The Pit of Incoherent Thoughts and Bizarro Ideas

3 of the Stupidest Jokes Ever -- If you answer them, you get a prize!!

2005-11-22T09:26:00.000-08:00

Hiya!...To counteract my excessive, painfully drawn-out blog posts from the past few umm...months...[clears throat]...Here's a short and fun one! Truthfully, there is nothing remotely interesting happening in my life, so I thought I would stage a contest:

Answer these 3 incredibly cheesy/silly/funny jokes, and you will get a prize:
(Note: These aren't my original jokes, although I kinda wish they were -- My brother came up with 2 of them, and a cherry Popsicle Stick gave me the other...)

(1: Where does a 3,000 pound gorilla sleep?

(2: What is a sniper's favorite toothpaste?

(3: What is the name of the high ranking military officer that is DIRECTLY mentioned in the Preamble to the Constitution??

Good luck :-)

Central Pennsylvania -- The Scariest Place In the World

2005-11-14T16:32:00.000-08:00

Hiya! It's been a while....First off, completely unrelated to the blog, here is a link to a free mp3 download from one of my favorite bands, Silverchair:

Silverchair - Across the Night

OK, now I must recount various vignettes collectively describing the horror and sheer isolation that is Central Pennsylvania.

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(1: Usually, a good indicator of the general activity of a certain area is the amount of variety on the local radio stations. So on my way back from Ohio (I visited my brother in Cleveland, a city that tries hard to be metro, but ends up being more like a slightly more rural/boring version of Central Jersey..I relate to experience to But the squirrels have brown tails and appeared slightly more playful, which was a lot of fun!!!) , there was an accident on I-80, a 2 lane road that cuts through the Central Pa. Mountains. Everything literally came to a dead stop with seemingly no explanation whatsoever.

Was their a horrific automobile accident? Was there a landslide from one of the several cliffs lining the roadside?

Perhaps the long-anticipated Yokel's Rebellion centered in the town of Hog's Feet FINALLY erupted, after years of false alarms!! (the newfound presence of 3-5 teenagers in Hog's Feet apparently enough to drive the townsfolk over the edge, especially after the 97th Annual Hog's Feet Jug Dancing Contest was disrupted by one of these wretched teenagers -- he allegedly held hands with a girl in public!! "The demon and Jezebel shall rot in Hell!" became a popular town rhyme during the tumult. The only casualty during the rebellion was a drunken chicken.)

Anyway, so we're stuck for about 30 minutes, and we didn't even move one inch on the road...So naturally, we figured that perhaps one of the local radio stations might give us some more information. So we flip it on and we turn the dial, and what we subsequently heard was unquestionably the most BORING radio program EVER!!! It appeared to be some sort of news station for the area, and at the time, the man was giving a weather forecast, first for that day, followed by a long range forecast for the week.

For 10 minutes, we listened to this very old sounding man (he must have been 100 years old.......there's no way he couldn't be......there's just.....no....way.....) ...and for all 10 minutes, he prattled on...and on....and on.....-- about just that day's forecast! It was like this:

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"And now......[5 second pause -- nothing but radio silence].......to.......day's..................fore........cast.............................[10 seconds of radio silence]...........to.....day's.................wea.......the........rrrr..........fore.......cast..............calls.......for........
...high...........temp................era..............tures...................ssssss.................[10 seconds of radio silence].......the..........hii......gghhhh.............temp..............era.............tur......[cough]....................[5 seconds of radio silence]...................[cough!]...................[cough!]..................tod...........ay's.............hi.... (a merciful etc...)
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And the scary part is that I'm barely exaggerating......And I'm telling the truth about the fact that for 10 minutes, our antediluvian radio DJ literally was still talking about that day's weather! Both my Dad and I just laughed in a disgusted way and punched the radio dial off.

After about 2 hours, we did start moving again....It turns out that the cause of traffic was that construction workers simply decided to block the road while doing repairs on a parallel road........of course, they worked........very................vvveeerrrrryyy...............sllowwwwwwwllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllyyyy.....

(2: OK, so what about the music on these local radio stations? I mean, I'm sure they didn't have a very wide selection like the good ol' tri-state area does, but at least they have the bare minimum, like classic rock standards, or some good folk music..........I'll even take John Denver for God's sake!! (and I say that while grinding my teeth in the most painful way imaginable) As long as it's something that represents a form of organized noise, functioning to keep my brain in the conscious state while passing through No Man's Land..

What I did hear, was not classic rock, was not folk....it wasn't even the horrors of John Denver......What I heard was POLKA! And you'll never, EVER believe the song I heard......

It was called "Who Stole the Kishka?" . There's no way I could make this up, it's just too stupid to be anything but the truth.

In fact, today, while at work, I remembered the song and looked up the lyrics on Google...and I found them!....So without further delay, here are the lyrics to "Who Stole the Kishka?"

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Someone stole the kishka
Someone stole the kishka
Who stole the kishka,
from the butcher's shop?
Who stole the kishka?
Who stole the kishka?
Who stole the kishka?
Someone call the cops!

Fat and round and firmly packed
It was hanging on the rack
Someone stole the kishka
When I turned my back
Who stole the kishka?
Who stole the kishka?
Who stole the kishka?
Someone bring it back!

Someone stole the kishka
Someone stole the kishka
Who stole the kishka,
from the butcher shop?
Who stole the kishka?
Who stole the kishka?
Who stole the kishka?
Someone call the cops!

Yusef found the kishka
Yusef found the kishka
Yusef found the kishka
And he hung it on the rack.
He found the kishka
He found the kishka
He found the kishka
Yusef brought it back
Heeeeeyyyyyyyy
Hey!
huh-huh-huh-huh

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(3: My last vignette is a short one -- it's about the diners in that area......So my parents and I were getting hungry, since the drive through Pennsylvania takes between 7-8 hours by car.....When going through Central Pennsylvania, there are gaps of between 40-70 miles between exits of off I-80. So when you come upon an exit with a potential main drag, you really tend to savor it.

So we were starving and we decided, "OK, the next exit we see, we'll go to a diner -- that is, if there is one".......So we reach an exit, and lo and behold! -- We see a sign indicating a diner...This was called "The Twilight Cafe".....We were all very happy, as we savored the mouth-watering delights of a country diner, chock full of scrambled eggs, endless pieces of toast, and a vast resorvoir of maple syrup...mmmmmmm..............I love breakfast food................

We get off on the exit, and get on the main drag.....we don't see a sign for the Twilight Cafe coming down the exit ramp, so we wondered, "Which way do we turn, right or left?...Does anyone see a cafe? Is there ANYTHING around here???"...

We searched up and down the "main drag" for five minutes......Nothing.....Absolutely nothing. Well...there was one possibility, but I always thought that to minimally qualify as a cafe meant boasting a shelter with a reasonably stable architecture, space for parking (not necessarily parking spaces), and an understanding of our present-day monetary system.

Now, it was possible that the scattered propane tanks I saw was indeed the Twilight Cafe, but it was more likely a 3-bedroom apartment for the area.

We were all discouraged.....So we continued driving, hoping that the next exit would provide us with our much needed sustenance. After another 60 miles or so, we finally approached the sign for the next exit, and yes! there was another cafe.....So in the distance, we couldn't quite see the name of the cafe.....we squinted, as we did our collective best to flex our lenses and irises....and when we got close enough at last to read the name of the diner, we saw this:

___________
Food - Exit 68
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Pitstop Cafe
___________

Even though each of us were starving, we continued past the exit without even a sliver of hestitation.

We did manage to catch a glimpse of the Pitstop Cafe as we passed by the exit ramp....It DID exist, so it's one-up on the Twilight Cafe....But from what we could see, it was basically someone's small trailer with the words "Pitstop Cafe" printed on it.......Again, I'm not kidding.

And that, my friends, was JUST A FEW highlights from my scary trip into the frightening Central Pennsylvania wilderness. My advice is to avoid it entirely and watch it from the comfort of your homes in the form of Survivor 10, coming soon to CBS.

I might as well be blunt: Shopping for Women's Panties At Walmart

2005-10-31T10:14:00.000-08:00

I consider myself an avid learner, an intrepid personality, someone not afraid to try something new or mingle with others who I know nothing about.....And in the case of last Wednesday night at Walmart, I'm also not afraid to delve headlong into a world of satin stretch panties, tiny pink thongs, and frighteningly gargantuan push-up bras -- even if that means getting some first hand experience along the way.....

No, I SWEAR this isn't a joke....So here's the story: the Beyfuss/Powells had their annual Halloween party, and this year, there was a theme -- Be naughty, and be creative!

So for two weeks, I tossed around various ideas:

(1: The naked/lustful Omar (from the South Plainfield Cafe)
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(2: The Bubble-gum mummy (not necessarily in keeping with the naughty theme, but just a wacky idea -- I was even thinking of buying some sort of cheap sarcophagus and paying 2 people to wheel me into the party, where I would rise in grandiose fashion from my coffin and start doing the watusi, for no apparent reason)
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(3: Jeff -- 100% pure (where I would just show up nude......lol)

So as you can tell, I wasn't quite satisfied with anything that I conjured up.......

But there's something that you should know about ol' Jeff: I think up my craziest/strangest/most creative ideas when (a: I'm in in the shower (b: I'm trying to go to sleep (c: I'm eating dinner with my parents.

Naturally, while eating dinner with my parents at Lone Star, I came to a stunning realization: instead of trying to take on another identity, why not work with my very own identity and alter it in a naughty way??...And that's when I thought of my naughty costume for Brooke's party:

I would be "The best of both worlds"

I started laughing uncontrollably at the table, and my parents asked me, "What's so funny Jeff?"...They wanted to join in the laughing....But I honestly didn't know how they would react to my dangerously lurid costume idea, so I answered, "Oh....just something that my brother told me the other day.............hahahaha!!!!!"...It worked; we all started laughing :-)

So last week, I set out to obtain all my parts of my transexual prostitute outfit. After I purchased some clip-on earrings, fishnet pantyhose, and a sexy wig at the Halloween store, I decided to get a crash-course in women's undergarments (AKA: Trekkie Kryptonite)

(SIDE STORY: While there, I met a girl I dubbed as "Halloween Girl"....she was very pretty and seemed somewhat vivacious AND down-to-earth, a fantastic combination -- but the fundamental problem was that she was a cashier at a seasonal store that would disappear in a week.....umm yeah....I kept buying more stuff during the week so that I could increase the number of 2 minute speaking opportunities I had with her...I talked to her 3 times, and we got along well, but alas, it was not to be....Just as statistics indicate, bars have the lowest percentage of succesful relationship opportunities, Halloween store checkout counters have the 2nd lowest)

So anyway, I went to Walmart...When I entered the store, I felt a bit like Indiana Jones, exploring untamed and dangerous lands...So I first asked myself, "OK....where could I find women's panties in a store this enormous??".....And then, a sign from above revealed itself to me!!!....

What, you mean from God? No, no, not THAT kind of sign!....I saw a big sign in front of me that read, "Women's Intimates"....My destination lay clearly before me...Initially, I had some hesitation about entering that section, but then I realized, "This may be the only time I do this, so I might as well do it with glee!"...and so I did...lol

As I began to search in a semi-confused/half-baked state for panties, bras, and thongs from one rack to the next, I noticed multiple people giving me different kinds of looks....For example, older ladies were looking at me slightly confused with a knitted brow, younger guys/girls were basically laughing at me, and a couple of tough guys with tatoos looked at me with slightly threatening looks....and for a while I enjoyed the attention. I took to my new quest with fervor, as I learned to make fine distinctions between 36D and 38D bra sizes, satin stretch panties and uhhhh...other panties, and more!....Slowly, and without my knowledge, I began to really enjoy panty shopping! I began whispering to myself, "Hey..this one's meshed...and look at that sleek black material!....Wow, my bf..I mean gf would love....that...............ummm..hey! what's that?!!!"

Eventually, I decided on a 38D white push-up bra, a tiny pink thong (which proved to be too tiny -- trying it out was equivalent to some sort of self-applied reverse transexual wedgie.....if ya know what I mean.......(cough)), XL black satin panties, and a black ummm...nighty? Well, it was something that prostitutes wear, I don't know what the hell it was....Hey! From this experience, I realized that perhaps the BEST part about being a guy is our simplified underwear. All we need to worry about is boxers or briefs, and THAT'S IT! (though some guys like to wear only pants, and THAT'S IT!)...I mean, sure, there's white T-shirts, but they're optional and are sometimes used as regular shirts, so I don't even view them as part of the men's undergarment canon.....all of this can be seen in my op/ed column in the Wall Street Journal, of course.

OK, so end of the story -- As more and more people started looking at me and responding in some extreme way, I began to get a little paranoid. So when I was finished, I anxiously started walking out of the Women's Intimates section and towards the checkout line...As I made my frantic journey, I simultaneously looked all around me and thought to myself, "Look, let's just buy this crap and get the hell out, OK?! In and out. Quick and easy."

As soon as I thought this, THE nightmare scenario happened:

I knocked over an entire rack of gray panties, and they ALL fell to the ground. A loud, destructive sound resounded throughout Walmart -- meaning that this could be heard for 2 miles all around me.

At this point, I literally looked like the typical 5 year old kid who's hand was in the cookie jar, and who accidentally knocked over the jar, causing it to crash on the ground, while both of his parents were staring at him. Replace both with 20, and replace parents with conventionally deformed Walmart customers, and there you go. There was no way out of this one -- I had to pick up each panty that I knocked over and put it back on the rack, one at a time.

I did this for 10 minutes, with my enormous bra slung over my right shoulder. I felt like a kinky contractor in a 70's porn flick, it was really, really strange.

I checked out without a problem -- until I dropped all of my credit cards, health insurance cards, frequent drink cards, etc... on the ground....but this lasted only 3 minutes.....Then I nearly ran out of the store...

And that, my bloggites, is my fantastic story. Lots of good came out of this experience: For one thing, I won a prize at Brooke's Halloween costume party, and was thus awarded a naked voodoo doll with an oversized penis. Woohoo! Thanks! Second, I'm now pretty damn good at strapping on/off a bra. And last but not least, these undergarments turned me into a hottie for a night! Maybe the best comment of the night for me was before I left for the party, when I first showed my parents what I looked like. My dad, who is a fairly conservative person, really surprised and delighted me by saying, "You know something Jeff? You're a pretty sexy gal. And you look better than lots of girls that I've seen, trust me!" ROTFL!....Awesome!

Check out pictures of my sexy costume on MySpace!

Jeff's hot costume!

A post that Inspires and Astounds!

2005-10-18T09:40:00.000-07:00

Yes! I'm in a exhuberant, almost violently whimsical mood, and being the altruistic individual that I am, I seek to share my joy with others with an amazing story I heard this weekend...OK, it involves baseball, but not to worry -- I'll explain all of the baseball stuff...Besides, it'll be worth hearing all 'dat baseball to get to the part that will Inspire and Astound!

OK, so this weekend, I was watching a baseball playoff game between the Houston Astros and the St. Louis Cardinals. There's a player on the Houston Astros named Roger Clemens, he's one of the greatest pitchers who ever played the game, literally. Now, earlier this year (July/August, not sure), his mother died. This happened about 3 hours before the game for that day, and it just so happened that for this particular game, Roger Clemens was pitching. (He pitches once every 5 days)

Some of her last words were the following: "You guys are going to win today by a score of 10-2...." She said something else after that, but I'll save that for later :-) Stay tuned!

Now for a little background: the Houston Astros at this point were the worst run scoring team in the league. In fact, they averaged not even 3 runs a game during the games in which Clemens pitched. So for Houston to score 10 runs this game seemed EXTREMELY unlikely.

So Clemens called his team up and told them what had happened. He mentioned, "now my mom said that we're going to win 10-2, and you guys haven't scored 10 runs total for me the entire season!"

During the game, a series of unlikely events occurred, such as Clemens getting a hit and driving in 2 of the runs for the Astros (up to that point, he had something like 3 hits and 1 run driven in the whole season), along with a couple of other flukey plays that helped the Astros get some runs.

In the 9th inning, Houston has a 10-1 lead.....with only one out left....the ball is hit, a ball that should easily be handled....but it's botched, and guess what??? A second run scores for the other team...

The final score ended up being 10-2....

OK, now here's what Clemens' mom said after 10-2: "Shoeless Joe Jackson....Shoeless Joe Jackson....Shoeless Joe Jackson..."

Who the hell is Shoeless Joe Jackson, you ask? He was a famous old time baseball player who played before, after and during 1917, and he played for the Chicago White Sox. He is the most famous player who ever played for the White Sox.

Here's the thing -- the Chicago White Sox just a couple of days ago advanced to the World Series and have a chance to win their 1st championship since 1917. And there's even signficance to the fact that the name was said 3 times -- there are 3 playoff series that must be won in order to win a championship. The White Sox have won 2 of the series, and have only one more to go.

And I've watched the 2 series that the White Sox have played....Particularly in the last series, an extraordinary number of freak calls and events have gone IN FAVOR OF the White Sox and in one case, was directly responsible for them winning a game in the series.

Now, sure, this could all be hogwash that a gullible fool such as myself would believe.....Besides, it probably has more to do with the fact that I WANT to believe, right?? Perhaps....But I have a feeling that I know the White Sox are going to win the world series....In fact, if I was a betting man, I would put down 10000 dollars right now on the White Sox, no questions asked. I think this is real, I don't know what it means, or what the ramifications are......But it's something that I find EXTREMELY INSPIRING and capable of restoring faith in things like higher powers and the afterlife....So I REALLY hope that the White Sox win now..lol...my faith might very well be on the line..

And that is my oddly wonderful story :-)

Classic Conversations With my Brothers, Part 1: Starring Dave and Jeff Partyka! (insert 80's sitcom programmed audience HERE)

2005-09-25T18:10:00.000-07:00

Hola!

As you may know, my brothers Dave and Chris have been sojourning at my house for the month of September..Today's blog focuses on Dave, while the next will focus on Chris...As Dave celebrated 6 of the most mentally grueling and emotional arduous years of life by watching WAY too many movies and eating WAY too much pizza in suburban central NJ, I had slowly come to realize something extremely enlightening...

What I had forgotten about during those 6 years when he was at school was just HOW COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS AND FRIGHTENINGLY ZANY most of our conversations truly are. In fact, this is the percentage breakdown of the content of our conversations:

(1: Zany out of control humor that expends a tremendous amount of cognitive energy, causes minimal destruction and loss of life around us, and serves absolutely ZERO practical value: 73.5%

(2: Serious, academic topics like sociology (macro AND micro), particle physics, long term trends in technology and business, and the occasional abstract math idea thrown into the mix: 13.1%

(3: Emotional Consolation and Personal Recovery Time Required After Engaging in #2 above (sometimes accompanied by Dianetics-approved Therapeutic Trust Spheres Sessions): 13.1%

(4: Bitching about what commercials we HATE: 0.3%

(For the record, Dave hates the CapitalOne Commercials with the Viking warriors trying to work regular jobs, while I currently loathe the Chrysler commercial with the little girl that tells her grandfather, Lee Iacocca, in her best grandpappy voice, "if you can find a better car, buy it!"...For me, I have come to despise this commercial based on (1: overplay (2: Jeff TV watching rule #2395678: "I HATE WHEN LITTLE KIDS, ESPECIALLY LITTLE GIRLS UNDER THE AGE OF 10, TRY TO ACT LIKE SOPHISTICATED GROWN-UPS"....I can't stand it....I just can't take it....uggghhh.. (the most horrific example of this since human recordkeeping began several thousands of years ago was the 4-year old Welch's grape juice girl who tried to act like a 30 year old woman..That just freaked me out.)

.......So.........................HERE WE ARE!.......Anyway, here is one of our funny trademark conversations we had during this month....In fact, this one happened yesterday, while we were watching Hurricane Rita coverage on the Weather Channel:

(the on-site hurricane reporter in Galveston, Texas, is wrapping up his report, decked out in heavy-duty raingear)

Dave: I wonder what exactly the job qualifications are for "the hurricane guy" on any news station...I guess they would have to be fearless and be willing to brave almost any situation.

Jeff: Yeah, they're probably required to be daredevil types, and I bet that during the job interview, they have to list on their resume all of the places they skydived and bungee jumped from -- and maybe even the distances too, so for example, if it came down to 2 equally qualified candidates, the person with the highest average bungee-jump distance would get the job.

Dave: Yeah, definitely......Also, an overlooked aspect of the hurricane guy is how he has to demonstratively "brave the elements", almost play it up in front of the camera, like when he gives his report, he has to yell while noticeably struggling against the wind. And the whole time, he has to emit an authoritative, newsworthy, but decidedly solemn facial expression, especially when he's signing off...

Jeff: Yeah! lol..And the way the sign off is handled between the newsroom and the hurricane guy is always the same, after the guy says his name, the newsroom shows a combination of macho respect, genuine concern for their colleague, and gloom when reflecting on the destruction of the storm.....the newsroom always says something like, "Keep the good work", or, "Hope you stay safe", or something..

Dave: Yeah!.... lol...it's always the same.....

Jeff: I also notice two more things...First, I would just like to point out that in the midst of this serious discussion, we have forgotten the obvious -- why aren't there any hurricane women? Why hasn't this been a hot button issue as of yet? Also, I'm surprised that news networks haven't sensationalized their hurricane coverage to maximize their ratings. I mean, they can't now because of the very real destruction and loss of life that happened with Katrina, but if Katrina DIDN'T happen, I think the goal of the hurricane reporter would be drastically different..

Dave: Right -- it would shift from reporting the damage caused by the hurricane to entertaining the viewers with a series of completely overblown stunts designed to convince us that the hurricane is UNBELIEABLY strong. For example...(lol)....yeah, it would be funny if the reporter was acting as if the wind was so ridiculously strong that in one moment, the camera would be knocked out of focus, and then when it came back on focus, the reporter was being blown into the distance in a similar manner to Samuel L. Jackson in Star Wars Episode III when Anakin light-sabers him through the window! LOL..

Jeff: Yeah!...LOL....(laughter for 10 seconds)......I was thinking that the newsroom would actually try to convince us that the hurricane reporter was killed or was missing in action....for me, instead of the Samuel L. Jackson blow away, I was just thinking that the camera would be knocked to the ground, then when it was picked back up, it would show what appeared to be the hurricane guy being blown away log-roll position on the ground at a high speed....but it might be his clothes too...The newsroom would play along and call out the guy's name like, "John...no!! John!!!!! ahhhhh!!!!!"........then they would proceed with a sensationalized 10 minute piece on how their colleague, "may be missing....but it's hard to tell from this particular vantage point whether that was him, or just some stray clothes that appeared similar to his outfit"......It would be like this show where you would want to watch just to see if he would be found, and of course, he always is found and does reporting the next day....

(Both Dave and Jeff laugh)......

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Yes, we have strange, but highly imaginative, senses of humor....Part 2, a conversation with Chris, will follow this blog sometime....

SWIMFAN!!

2005-09-21T09:30:00.000-07:00

OK, this one's a short post....Yesterday, I watched a movie -- but not just ANY ordinary movie.

No, this one is a bonafide cinematic CLASSIC....

The 60's had 2001: A Space Odyssey
The 70's had The Godfather
The 80's had Pee Wee's Big Adventure
The 90's had Pulp Fiction

and now...this decade has:

SWIMFAN

OK, here's a new little factoid about Jeff: I love teen movies involving psychotic girls chasing after guys, no matter how many people are killed in the process.

But what makes these movies even more fun is that you can ALWAYS immediately tell who the crazy girl is, just by looking at her face. She doesn't even have to say or do anything at all. Furthermore, you can always tell who the sweet, harmless girlfriend of the guy is, and you can always tell who the freaky person with all of the answers concerning the psycho girl's demonic past is.

To demonstrate, we will play a game! :-)

Below are 6 pictures....1 is a picture of the psychotic girl in the movie, another is a picture of the perfect, sweet girlfriend. However, INTERMIXED with these pictures are 3 others that do not belong!..

WHOEVER correctly identifies the psycho girl and the sweet harmless girlfriend will win a FREE SODA,courtesy of me!

Good luck! :-)

First Post In a Long, Long While....

2005-09-12T09:34:00.000-07:00

...but that doesn't mean that there's nothing happening in my life -- Actually, I would prefer that very little actually happens in my social life, as that has become my equilibrium, dictated, of course, by my lifestyle as a computer geek/general geek.

But NO, my life has been completely insane over the last few weeks, dotted with entertaining and occasionally life-threatening weekends, light-hearted family tumult (the good kind), and extreme amounts of pizza (In fact, we are approaching the lethal dosage amount of pizza for humans, which is something like: L.D. 97 -- I am currently at L.D. 91, but there are signs of slow down, which is good, since this means I shall extend my life span)

OK...where in blazes do I start?......All righty, I'll start with a rundown of the life-changing events that have occurred in the last 2 weeks:

(1: My brother Dave has graduated from Harvard and acquired his PhD in chemistry, after 6 grueling years...congrats to Dave!

(2: My Mom's friend from Brazil, Idessi (sp?), visited for 1 month during most of August.....It was her visit to this country in many years, and she enjoyed it very much..

(3: I flew on a plane to North Carolina to attend a Jazz festival during Labor Day Weekend...Why is this life-changing? Because it was the very first time I ever flew on a plane.....I have a great story about that first take-off too :-)

(4: Last but certainly not least, out of nowhere, my brother Chris, who coincidentally came home from Vermont the same time as Dave, has announced that he is going to settle down with a girl named Elise in Seattle....Does this mean marriage for Chris??? Possibly, I'll find out as soon as I get some details -- such as Elise's last name, basic identity (which will enable me to identify her on the street, which is sorta important), and other essential contact information.

OK, I also had a full-weekend, which included violently intense mini-golf, a 7-mile Kayak run in the Pine Barrens (along with 2 extremely sore forearms), and a trip to the Met for some fine art yesterday, and 2 near-death incidents in a 5 minute time span, thanks to my friend Dan, the WORLD'S WORST DRIVER.

Yep.....I have LOTS to discuss......

OK, I think I'll start with my first flight in an airplane:

So I flew on an American Eagle jet from Newark Int'l....Being ridiculously prepared as usual (which is an essential part of the "Way of the Jeff"....yeah, I fully understand that getting to a place 1 hour in advance is quite possibly the LEAST sexiest thing a guy can do, but oh well, my ways are fixed, for better of for worse), I arrive 2 and a half hours before boarding time, and I am waiting in the terminal gate almost 2 hours before my plane actually arrived....I decided to purchase some Altoids, the curiously strong mints. I continue my daze/first flight anxiety for the remaining 90 minutes....All the while, I imagine that the plane will at least be somewhat spacious, with enough room for me to maneuver around if I so choose, with a food cart rolled up and down the aisle by a flight attendant....Then I imagine that if we crashed, we could become a real life cast of "Lost"....I then started looking around, trying to match each passenger with a character on the show..Amazingly, I was able to match many of the major characters (I nailed down "Kate", "Sahid", "Hurley", and "Sawyer" for sure....there was even an Oriental couple that didn't speak English!....Or, I should say, it APPEARED that they couldn't speak English...)

So basically, during this waiting period, I oscillated from thinking positively and confidently, and thinking negatively and about which character from Lost I would end up being (I concluded I would be a blonde-haired Charlie -- but with an altoid addiction, rather than a heroin addiction :-)) -- but there REALLY should be someone like me on Lost, it would make the show much more interesting, but realistically, I would be swallowed up by the invisible security system during my 2nd episode, or something like that....WHAT DO YOU THINK MY FATE WOULD BE READERS?

OK, so the plane arrives, and as I approach the plane, I am terrified to learn how tiny it is....no coach and 1st class sections, just 20 seats in what looks like the inside of a crammed schoolbus....I start to develop claustrophobic tendencies, but I try to stave that off by noticing where this potential real-life cast of "Lost" will sit on the plane....I sit next to Kate on my right and Sahid to my left. Sahid noticed that I have never flown before, as he observed my slight fidgeting and sweating. He says, "Do not worry -- I have flown many times before, you won't feel a thing"....his voice was very smooth and reassuring, so I managed to calm down considerably....he then started babbilng about a French woman, but I stopped paying attention by then :-)

So as our plane is preparing to take its position on the runway by backing up, an unknown object SUDDENLY CRASHES against somewhere on the right side of the plane!...The plane shook violently, and everyone yelled out, "What the hell was that??!!" ......Sahid then chuckled and said to me, "Heh heh......In all my years of flying, THAT'S NEVER happened to me before.".....

I responded by putting my hands against my face, and quietly eeping out:

"Oh my God, I'm going to die."

I then began to pray - to God, to Allah, to Yahweh, to Vishnu, to the Great Spirit, to the Trees, to the Mountains, to the Animal Spirits, to America, to Canada, to Mexico, to Homer Simpson, to WHOEVER!!!! for the next 5 minutes.....

...As it turned out, it was a very nice and comfortable flight....Of course, every time there was even a slight movement in the air, I clutched my hands against the seat...But my flight was made much more pleasant by the slightly flirtactious Kate, who turned out to be very cute as well (that's why she was "Kate" :-)) ....we had a nice little talk, and when we both realized we had different return flights to Newark, she even let out a cute little feminine "Aww...that's too bad"....Once again, I proved that I am the Don Juan of zero-probability romantic situations....Doh!

..Anyway, so I landed, which was SOO COOOL!!...and I went on my merry way to grab my luggage....End of story..

I have far more to tell on my blog over the next few days, STAY TUNED!

And Now: My Impression of a Supa-Sized and Diva-ized NJL Sneeze

2005-08-11T15:36:00.000-07:00

Click the link for a video clip of my impression of a KF sneeze (his name shall not be mentioned within the inner confines of this holy blog):

My Best Fake Sneeze Causing Very Real Destruction Around Me

(PS: You need QuickTime to view this video)

The top 10 things that I would LOVE to do

2005-08-09T10:16:00.000-07:00

OK, Lynn inspired me with a "Top 10 things that I would like to do before I expire" blog, and now, I shall do a list of my own!:

TOP 10 THINGS JEFF PARTYKA MUST DO BEFORE EXPIRATION (in no particular order)

(1: Get a master's degree in computer science (BORING!!!)

(2: Complete 3 world-wide trips:

The first would be a trip to Europe that would include, in addition to the usual places (Italy, France, Britain, etc.) , a trip to Malta to check out the home of the mysterious "The Knights of Malta", and a trip to Ireland, where I would just calmly stroll in the fields and rolling hills during the sunset.

The second would be a trip to Antarctica, which I would arrive at via a cruise.

The third would be a trip across Canada, starting from New Foundland and ending on the border between Yukon and Alaska.

(3: Go hang-gliding!

(4: Build a robot that is mobile, has censors that tell it when it is about to encounter an obstacle of some kind, and be able to move around it accordingly. I may add some kind of voice command ability, I haven't decided yet.(Besides, what if I accidentally give the robot Gilbert Gottfried's voice?? I might end up destroying the freaking thing with a baseball bat within 10 seconds..LOL)

(5: Publish a novel and a few fairly long short stories...In particular, I want to publish this crazy sci-fi story that I am writing right now (but may not finish for years, it is very complicated), and I want to write a quirky and comical novel about my everyday life (especially the last 4-5 years) and the wonderfully bizarre/interesting people I've met in it.

(6: I want to finish this computer program that simulates the evolution of music over a period of 50-100 years...This is another unfinished project of mine...

(7: I want to learn 3-4 languages (Arabic, Chinese, and I'll throw in Spanish if there's time...if I have 2-3 weeks, that'll be enough..LOL..)

(8: I want to work for the U.S. Government to help in the fight against terrorism.

(9: I just want to have a loving/sometimes torrid relationship with a girl that I can connect with on a personal and emotional level....if possible, I would like to get married and even have a kid or two..

(10: I would love to have just one At-bat against Mariano Rivera in Yankee Stadium, at capacity crowd. That would be SOOOOO cool....

A peppery, passive, partially prepossessing potpourri of a post....pardon?

2005-07-14T19:44:00.000-07:00

....OK, I'll admit it, the entire reason why I'm even posting is because I felt like having fun with the letter 'p' in the title...That's it....There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENING in my life at the moment..Well, that's not entirely true, but at 10:45 PM EST, I am sleepy, dull and can envision only blank blackness in my mind.....IOW, there's nothing even happening in my head...Oh wait...For no particular reason, I just thought of riding a missle like a surfboard through our office....but it's MY missle, and I put it under my desk for safekeeping........The missle has an alternating blue/pink swill pattern........???

In any event, I've accumulated some random thoughts and ideas over the past few days:

(1: I've wondered if there is a correlation between one's popularity and their given "God Bless You" speed by other people after a sneeze session. This past weekend, I was at a jazz-rock festival in Pennsylvania and was chatting with some people I made contact with on a music message board....Ya know, getting to match the username with the face...everyone was so nice......until, that is, I sneezed....

Now, my sneeze was pretty freakin' audible....I was one of 5 talking within a circular clique, and after the sneeze, I only got one affirmative, authoritative "God Bless You!"......I received 2 half-hearted "God Blesss....", with the "You" being silent. I DID notice this, but I remained silent, giving people in the clique a benefit of the doubt....I figured that like fingerprints or one's genetic code, everyone has a unique way of delivering a "God Bless You" after a sneeze: Some prefer an extroverted, almost demonstrative "GOD BLESS YOU!"...as if not delivering it in time would be legitimate grounds for being penalized via flogging with a cat o' nine tails -- perhaps even executed on the spot a la Stalinist Russia. Others, I believe, have a more introverted, passive manner in their "God Bless You".....now, this could be for several reasons -- some are just quiet, others are atheist or non-religious, and still others are in la la land half the time anyway, so it doesn't matter what you say to them. ...

But there is a tangible segment of the populace that USES the occasion of the "God Bless You" response for subtle social communication. I sometimes think that people who are popular receive a higher number of total "God Bless You" responses, with a faster average response time versus people who are not nearly as popular....And if one doesn't like another person very much, they might give either disingenuous GBU's, or none at all, thereby creating a GBU snub! To get back to MY sneeze, 1 guy gave a sincere confirmation of a GBU, 2 gave a weak, potentially insincere GBU, and 2 others gave none at all, but they were deep in conversation about motorcycle helmets...or something...I dunno.......

However, what bothered me wasn't so much that I didn't receive 3 solid GBU's in the post-sneeze period, but a minute later, another guy in the group sneezed, and he received 4...count 'em....4! affirmative high-speed GBU's! I thought this was unfair, because it just so happened that everyone happened to be paying attention when this other guy sneezed......One of the affirmative GBU's came from me too...and I was sincere about it!.....See? I'm a team player! I believe in being unselfish and sacrificing for the sake of the unit....I get no respect, I tells ya...

Well, at first I was annoyed at the unlucky and unjust turn of events...but I realized that they might have known each other for a long time, and being the newcomer, I needed to prove myself to them somehow...?? maybe if I could jump really high, or built a robot from scratch, I would have received more GBU's??? But another way to look at it would be to welcome the guest into your social circle as if it was your own home -- therefore, give him/her first rate, high speed GBU's......That's what I would have done anyway..

But when all is said and done, this entire post was really about me being bored and needing to kill time....The truth is, I don't care whether I receive GBU's or not.....I DON'T NEED CRED FROM ANYONE DUDE......j/k...LOL.....Yeah, I always have fun dissecting social customs and potential meaning(s) behind them. In my next post -- I shall discuss average walking speed, and how this could be used as a tool to exclude people from a clique (this actually happened to me in college..I didn't walk fast enough for these 3 people, and EVERYTHING WENT DOWN THE TUBES from there) ....stay tuned for THAT thrilling post...LOL

(2: Oh yeah, I was supposed to have other thoughts.......ummm.......SAN DEMUS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!!

(If anyone can name the movie that quote came from "SAN DEMUS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!!"...I'll give you a honey nut kashi granola bar.)

OK, it's bedtime for Jejja...[snore].....

Arguably The Most Tense Moment of My Life: A Dinner at Charlie Brown's on 4th of July Weekend??? Huh??

2005-07-06T16:43:00.000-07:00

....OK, what the hell could THIS title possibly suggest?? And worse yet, what horrors have I yet to write about, that will leave you -- and me -- shaking your head, covering your face, while exhibiting an unhealthy, strange fascination??

Be warned, this blog entry is a novel, so it will take a long time to read....But I won't blog after this until next week, so you got time :-)

All right, well, this past weekend, I decided to fill my "good son" quota by taking my parents out to Charlie Brown's, a relaxing family restaurant with diverse, delicious cuisine, minus the stuffiness.

[The following is a ridiculous and weird tangent...to continue with the normal part of the post, scroll down and read below the red line....Thank you.]

(Coincidentally, right after typing my Charlie Brown's plug above, Charlie Brown's is considering hiring me as their next "young and hip" spokesperson....Subway may have Jared, but Charlie Brown's has J.P....I personally think Jared is full of himself, but that's just me...I saw a recent Subway commercial involving him peddling the over-roasted chicken breast sub, some might even say "Engaging in sandwich hucksterism", and he looked so goshdarn smug...grrr.....but I digress!...OK, nuff' useless typing)

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So everything started off normally -- we arrive at the front counter, we tell the guy "3 people, non-smoking", he sits us down at some seemingly random table, no big deal...To this point, I had no expectations at all about this dinner other than it would be a nice, peaceful, serene, relaxing, and loving dinner with Mommy and Daddy....

It was at this point that my Mom uttered a sentence that instantly turned this beautiful experience into a terrifying one.....but before I get to the sentence, let me dredge up a horrific specter from the past, since it allows my story to make sense...

A Rare Glimpse Into Jeff's Scary High School Daze (This is long):

When I was in high school, I knew this guy named Chris Canarelli. Now, a lot of people didn't like him very much, almost entirely because he was very overweight, so as you might expect, he bore the usual crass "fat jokes" from people....Being an outsider myself (because I was small, had a cheesy haircut, and was much smarter than the stupid, but much bigger jocks), I didn't like that very much, so I befriended him. But in truth, my friendship with him, from my perspective, was shallow -- I didn't have very much in common with him at all, other than the fact that we were both outsiders. Once high school was finished, I figured that I probably wouldn't talk to him again.

I couldn't have been more wrong....

Once college started (we attended different schools), Chris started calling me on the phone (dum dum dum!!!!!)...OK, that's fine, no big deal, right? Well, not so fast.....First off, these calls were like 2 hours long apiece, and in them, Chris would COMPLETELY dominate the conversation, as in Chris talks 98.5% of the time, and Jeff talks 0.6% of the time...(what happened to the other 0.9%, you ask? Oh, that's just wasted phone time from me acting out my veritably insane anger at the beginning of each conversation by banging my fist ferociously into a pillow or ripping a telephone book in half....of course, I couldn't make a peep with my voice while performing excessive violence, which presented quite a challenge)...

But it was SOOO much worse than just that...It was painfully obvious in these conversations that no matter WHAT I said, it just went into one of Chris's ears and out the other...I quickly realized that my role in the conversation could be substituted using a water bucket or any other stationary cleaning object. And these calls were FREQUENT maaan!!...I mean, I was FREAKIN' busy in college, I was ALWAYS studying, and for me to waste 2 hours on each of these calls was very, very deflating, to say the least..

But it was EVEN WORSE than just that.....I mean, these calls were genetically engineered to be as boring and irrelevant to my life and experiences as possible....Literally, every call ended up being about Chris's college friends that I never saw (well, that's my fault -- I never visited, big freakin' surprise) , the complex Web making up Chris's friendship network and its many, many individual links (and yes, there were many, because I was treated to a lengthy description of ALL of them), or about him learning how to be a better Republican, (which sometimes included reasons why liberals are destroying America).....Of course, if I told him that I was a liberal, then that might have been a quick and easy way of ending our friendship...But there was also the possibility that he would take that as a challenge and attempt to convert (AKA: save) me from liberalism (AKA: satanism, according to staunch conversatives like Chris) to conservative beliefs (almost like a religious conversion), which of course meant that he would INCREASE the number of calls he made to me....and I couldn't have that......no sir.......

So at this point, he was becoming my "annoying friend"...Everyone has one at some point in their life.....But amazingly, no one has EVER come up with a solution to cutting off the annoying friend with little to no drama....My plan was to stay distant and selectively ignore him...

No dice.

He eventually started inviting me to movies along with some of my other friends...so yes, he began to invade some of my other social spheres!! ahh!!!!....of course, I couldn't completely ignore him yet, and I thought, "Well, I AM going to see a movie, and he's not such bad company in person....Just give him a chance, c'mon! You can deal with a little Chris you baby!"...

The problem was, whenever we made plans, Chris would ALWAYS insist on driving, and with this, he felt he had the power to choose the movie to watch as well.....and as you might guess, we watched movies that were just NOT worth the ticket prices........I still remember the Jurassic Park III nightmare, although the Brokedown Palace viewing was perhaps the most egregious of these outings (The final still shot of the movie, which showed Claire Daines sporting an extremely stupid smile on her face as she looks to the side, is imprinted into my nightmares)......We would have to pay $10 per ticket for THOSE movies, because we could only go AT NIGHT, after the matinee, when the tickets were half price......And let me say that even if I saw Brokedown Palace for free, it would still have been a rip-off...

OK, despite all that I mentioned above, the core issue was that Chris and I were living COMPLETELY different lives, and I just felt like we had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in common.
So basically it got to the point where I just wasn't enjoying myself talking to Chris on the phone OR in person. The calls kept on coming, and I didn't know what to do......So I decided to enact: "Project DidntSeeYa" -- I decided to just not return any of his calls or emails...EVER....I wanted to avoid confrontation at all costs, and I hoped he would get the message that our friendship was over.

But guess what?? The calls STILL didn't stop!!! In fact, it started getting kinda scary...Chris kept calling and leaving messages on my answering machine, month after month after month...And with each message, the tone of his voice turned from disappointment, then to anger, then finally to a kind of sadistic taunting....I remember one particular message, where he said something like:

"Hey Jeff!!! I'M STILL WAITING for you to return MY CALLS NOW!!!!! I just wanted to see what you've BEEN DOING FOR ALL THESE WEEKS!!"

He was getting pretty close to harassment, so I had to make a tough decision -- I had to DIRECTLY tell him off (Using modern political lingo, I might call this: The Nuclear Option)
...So I took the quick and cowardly way out -- an email.

This worked..and I have yet to hear from him since then.....but his parents still live in my hometown, and because of this, there's ALWAYS the possibility of bumping into him around here..and this my readers, I DREAD!

BACK TO THE STORY

OK, so what did my Mom whisper to me in Charlie Browns' restaurant that turned my face into a pallid shade of gray???:

"Ummm...Jeff........I don't want to alarm you or anything, but sitting right behind us is Chris Cana--"

She didn't even have to finish the last name, I let out a gasp of intense fear......I felt my muscles tense up terribly, and suddenly, my once-serene dinner with my parents on a holiday weekend was now a severe trial. I DID not want any kind of showdown or incident, especially NOT NOW....I then remembered the harassing phone messages and realized that my fear was actually justified.

Apparently, Chris didn't see me or my parents either, so as long as I stayed extremely quiet and didn't make myself visible in their field of view, I would be fine....But this required some precautions on my part:

(1: My hopes for a salad bar extravaganza were OUT...I couldn't risk being in Chris's field of vision.

(2: When I talked with my parents, I HAD to keep my voice down..

Additionally, Chris would be able to recognize my Mom, so I urged her with every fiber in my being to get soup instead of salad...My mom steadfastly refused to take part in my childish game, and she proceeded to the salad bar..

Now, when the waitress came to take our order, I gave her an unusual order of Hibachi Chicken.....When she said, "And what will you being having sir?", I first whispered, hibachi chicken....She volubly asked me to repeat....I then pointed at the menu...she volubly asked, "Hibachi chicken sir!?"....I quickly nodded my head, as she gave me a perplexed look....I could have said that I had a sore throat and lost my voice, but at the time, I couldn't think up an excuse very quickly, so I just gave her this extremely sheepish and timid look....I believe she thought that I was socially inept, or worse yet, a tech guy.....Hmmm...

During the course of the meal, Chris ended up going to the salad bar 2 times, and each time, I had to move to the other side of the booth and pretend to study the ketchup and sugar.....At one point, when we reached the 45 minute mark in this madness, we saw Chris go up to the salad bar yet again, and frustration boiled over amongst us....My Dad exclaimed under his breath, "Again?! How many times has that guy went up to the salad bar already?!"...So ever so slowly, our serene holiday dinner was turning into an episode of "Rescue Me".

When all was said and done, our hideout lasted about an hour and a combined 6 salad bar trips among Chris and his family. All things considered, however, I was quite lucky -- the bathroom happened to be located closer to them than to us, meaning that they didn't have to pass by us to use the restroom. Also, we realized that they must have arrived only a couple of minutes before we did, so there was a very real possibility of bumping into Chris right in front of the restaurant.

But in the end, they left -- very, very slowly -- and I was able to finally take my first liberated bite in the whole meal...And I did, as I wolfed down my parsley....

And that, my fellow readers, is my story.....yes, I know that blog was WAYYY too long, but I needed to tell this story, for its comedic pettiness was a thing to behold.

Thank you, and good night!

How bout' a dating-disaster mini?

2005-06-15T16:58:00.000-07:00

It's about time for one, isnt' it? :-)

But first off, there's some big news:

I've been named VICE PRESIDENT of the Central New Jersey Hypoglycemic Local Piano Tuners Union 412! Woohoo!!

So while all of you are shaking your heads out of shame and pity for me (Pity is VERY UNDERRATED..I'll take it any day of the week! LOL), read the REALLY big news by clicking the link below:

the REALLY BIG NEWS!

(The first part of this blog is actually part of an elaborate trap set up by yours truly to test YOUR LOYALTY....If the last thing you read was the contents pointed to by the above link, then there WILL BE CONSEQUENCES!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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The tithe you must pay towards my blog will be increased dramatically! Now you must donate a box of Jujjifruits IN ADDITION TO a box of raisinets, once per DECADE!
)

...!!! Hey!..there you are!!!...OK, so I was discussing.....nothing...and I figured, what the hey, how bout' a dating disaster mini?? Sounds like fun, no? (Actually, I just answered my own question: Q: "Sounds like fun?" A: "No.")

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OK, so I was in my favorite setting for dating disaster stories -- BORDERS BOOKSTORE, of course. And as usual, I go there ostensibly to read about scholarly subjects, such as the new shape of the universe (the last I heard, the latest theory is that it has the shape of JLo's Ass -- and this is consistent with the fact that the universe is EXPANDING at an accelerating rate........this also goes to show you that despite centuries of advances in mathematics and quantum theory, scientists continue to base their theories mostly on pop culture's hottest babes)

yes, so I go there to read on the surface, but half of my brain is in cro-magnon mode, as I seek a sexy mate. But the same sequence of events always transpires: I see several hot girls, but they're always with these muscle-head guys that just DO NOT want to be there, so I give up and go talk to the girl behind the register at the coffee bar.

Now, the turnover rate at this place is very high, so I'm bound to meet a couple new girls a month behind the counter. Last week's girl was very cute: she's petite and full of energy and exceedingly happy. She laughed a lot too, and it was a feminine, bubbly laugh, so I liked the initial prospects. I started talking about something silly, and we hit it off -- for the first 10 minutes, that is....

OK, so how did I screw this one up????

Let me say that this time, I had nothing to do with it, I swear....My theory is that the same demon that possessed me while talking to agent bookslave years ago (when I talked unbelievably fast about the 70's grossout horror film "The Baby") returned to take control of my body and ruin this conversation for me....

But how was it done???

OK, so due to the fact that I continue to be in the throes of extended puberty, my voice tends to crack unexpectedly every once in a while. However, it can crack in one of 2 oblique directions -- either VERY HIGH or VERY LOW......

Keeping this in mind: so we're talking about our favorite foods to cook (anyone who knows me has already figured out that I was totally acting, since they also know that I can't cook a lick....LOL) , and the girl says, "You know what food I really like to make?".....And she says it with that glint in her eye, the glint that says, "Wow...I like this guy....hee hee!"

So I wanted to respond to her with an animated, "What's that?", with a cute smile on my face.......However, something else transpired.....something horrible...

My voice cracked in the VERY LOW direction, and I responded in a voice that sounded like a bad Satanic overdub....

(**Click HERE to hear Jeff's voice temporarily controlled by Satan for 1.12 seconds, for the sole purpose of ruining his chances with yet another girl)

As soon as this was uttered, the girl immediately assumed that I was angry or annoyed at her, or the line of conversation, so she responded with, "Well, you don't HAVE TO HEAR IT if you don't want to...but...." etc.....The glint in her eye disappeared, and now, I had merely become a talkative Borders customer taking up too much of her time -- while blocking the customer line....If memory serves me correctly, I think less than 10 seconds passed between me uttering my satanic phrase, and me returning to my table to read about science......yep...the dark side is very powerful indeed, stay away if you know what's good for ya!

And that is it.....whew, what a blog, now it's time for me to practice my Arabic lessons...."Arabic lessons you say? You're just being silly, right???"......Well....you'll have to read my next blog to find out, won't you? :-)

INTRODUCING THE SECOND WAVE OF THE PIT

2005-06-11T09:45:00.000-07:00

Hola!

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!..LOL...Yes, it's been almost 2 months since my previous exasperated post...Damn, did I need that break, but lots of stuff has happened over the past 2 months, and my cognitive/imaginative wackiness is beginning to return (or relapse, you decide:-))..

OK, first off, I hope you like the new template...Unfortunately, last night, I was planning to blog, and in the middle of the post, which, of course, was chock full of whimsical and slightly crazy jokes, a MASSIVE power failure hit!...At first, I thought it was just our house, but when I saw packs of flashlight gangs (along with their ravenous dobermans and family crowbar/metal pipe sacks...j/k.) hit the streets outside of my house, I knew that something in our area happened...

Now, whenever a power failure hits, my dad descends into survivalist mode. My mom and I had no doubt that the residents in our neighborhood most likely just used WAY too much power -- it was mid 80's and ridiculously humid, mind you. So we were just laying around in our living room lackadaisically, waiting for the TV to provide some color to our vacuous Friday night (and ONLY color: in watching a Stephen Segal movie, one does not expect anything remotely close to cognitive inspiration -- but what else were we to do? Read?? Spend some quality family time?? Improve our lives in any number of meaningful, ethical, spiritual ways??? HA! HA!!..and..HA!!!)

Sometimes, it is absolutely necessary and quite healthy to be as stupid as possible.

So anyway, my Dad started scrambling all over the house, assuming that Al Qaeda hit NYC, and quickly provided us with flashlights. He was ready to traverse the neighborhood to survey other people's power situation.

I got bored and went to Borders bookstore -- TO READ! (dum-dum-dum! ahhhh!!) Worse yet, I read about science -- specifically, how the photons that make up light have the bizarre and seemingly impossible (but confirmed) property of being in multiple places at the EXACT same time! Weird!

However, even after coming back, no power was restored to anyone in our neighborhood, so I spent last night listening to CD's in my car. When I woke up this morning, we had power again, and all was well once again with this particular universe (as for the universe where my lesbian pony that lives in the house continuously fails at her potty training -- that's another story.....??)

OK, and that's what happened last night....So much has happened the last 2 months, including a couple of BRAND SPANKIN' NEW dating disaster stories! These aren't quite as intricate as some past incidents, but nonetheless, they are guaranteed to spawn countless parties and good timez!!

For now, enjoy the template -- and I'm not finished with my decorative renovations...I may do something very funky with the background, if I can figure it out......

Ta Ta!

I need a blogger vacation!

2005-04-18T16:16:00.000-07:00

Hiya!

As you most likely have noticed -- or perhaps not..LOL -- I have not blogged in a week, which is highly unusual for an ostensible blog zealot like myself...

Well, lemme tell you the truth: I am temporarlily ALL BLOGGED OUT!!...You think it's easy writing a lengthly blog every day, especially entries that are loaded with jokes, content, witty jabs, irony, hidden sarcasm, an occasional secret message encoded in the text, whimsical unpredictability, AND multi-vitamin prizes?? Huh??? ..........I said HUH?????!!!!!

The fact is, although part of me loves writing these blogs, another part of me HATES IT, because I end up having no time for the rest of my life! Right now, there are several other of Jejjy boy that need to be tackled, such as the adult literacy program (which is basically a mini-teaching position, since I have to do things like write lesson plans, gather helpful materials and articles, study and plan in advance, etc.), my sci-fi/avant-garde/abstract/ultra-violent literature epic, taking on additonal responsibilities at my job (I received my first training in doing the layout of our newspaper, something in which I have no previous experience), continue my Jeopardy! training (yesterday, I learned about Art Noveau, Art Deco and Japanese wood block prints), prepare for the GRE (which I will take at some point in the next 25 years, I PROMISE!! LOL), and plan a plethora of summer activites, including hiking, letterboxing, kayaking, and a music festival in Pennsylvania called NEARFest, which I have been trying to get tickets to for the last 2 weeks...but that's a story unto itself..LOL..

And then I have to get back to Butterscotch with a new snail-mail!....Lots to do, so little time...

So until things settle down a bit, I ABSOLUTELY have to do cut down on blog time....As a result, my blogger vacation starts.............NOW!

One of Those Stubborn Xenophobic Stints...

2005-04-11T17:29:00.000-07:00

Howdy!

It's been a few days since I've blogged; in fact, I've been largely derelict in my blogging routine of late...Why? Am I losing my passion to blog? Am I losing my passion to write in general? Is my newfound social life (where Jeff's Friends >= 2, still a dizzying, rarified concept for me) interfering with my introverted paradise of uncorrupted, pristine nerdiness?

Well...not really...Actually, the explanation for my absence is rather simple: I just didn't feel like writing yet another 1000 word blog entry about yet another one my hopelessly weird, inaccessible and inscrutable tales involving angels composed of soy margarine, or Danny Glover's brother forcing a box cutter fight with Harvey, the invisible rabbit.

Speaking of which -- I must know: has anyone besides me heard of Harvey the Invisible rabbit? I thought that in the very least, Harvey was minimally known in underground pop culture circles as some type of silly underground 50's character. But during this past Saturday's adult literacy class, I made a joke about Harvey the Invisible Rabbit, thinking that my classmates, average age of 45 or so, would be suffocating from a giant LAUGH-BOMB!...........but no......in fact, the EXACT opposite occurred: utter, sublime, pure silence.....If there was EVER a time in which silence could be crystallized from life solution at 100% purity and yield, this would have been the time (a little joke for my chemistry cohorts....so Dave, if you're reading.....oh well [tear]...j/k) ...

I MEAN NOTHING! It was astounding, I've never heard such a dearth of noise for about 5 seconds!...The collective quizzical countenance on the faces of the rest of the class was nearly enough to psychically levitate me out the door, into the hallway, and onto the floor, face first -- no, make that teeth first...LOL....

But I won the hearts of the class shortly afterwards by making a sex change joke about myself....

No, I'm not kidding......You see, I am the only guy in the class -- It's all women, teachers included -- and then little ol' Jejji! (Disclaimer: NEVER CALL ME JEJJI....ever............ever....lol)

So anyway, as long as I make light of the fact that I'm the only guy through such self-denigrating jokes translating to: "I need a sex change", or "I'm a girly man", then I'll get along just dandy!......no pun intended...[cough]..

BTW, I've always found that whenever I've had the highest degree of success with women, it always somehow involved any or all of the following:
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(1: Jeff making fun of his chicken wing shoulder blades

(2: Jeff embarrassing himself by showing his massive collection of Norwegian Gods and Goddesses card and sticker collections.

(3: Jeff detailing the various times in which I've scampered away quickly from a physical confrontation...
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You would think that women would just LOVE to hear about their riveting eyes, or their perfectly chiseled features of pristine beauty, or whatever pretensious impromptu crap I could come up with....

But no, I've found that they prefer me just making fun of the myriad of inadequacies my body possesses..LOL

.......So, as you might have guessed, this blog was about why I've been so xenophobic over the past few days....LOL...I dunno...I think its a remnant from my antisocial Nintendo/ultra-competitive academic childhood. I was like the Diana DeGarmo of High School -- meaning that I was a giggly 16 year old high school girl, who subsequently got a sex change after getting my ass beat by --

Jeff blog reader says "Let me guess: Fantasia, right?"

Jeff says, "Wrong! It was her bigger, meaner, nastier cousin, Peachez! She got ghetto on me, and I realized that if I was ever to defend myself against the aggression of Peachez, I would need a sex change....Naturally, I became computer geek Jeff...Yah!...Real smart move....

Wow, I'm so sardonic today! Sorry!...OK, why I've been xenophobic the last few days:...Let's try it again....LOL.....all right, so every so often, whether it's unresolved depression, or intensely introverted feelings, or just prolonged weariness, I just don't want to do anything, talk to anyone, go out, or even move from the couch..It's not really intertwined with IBS, but it crops up now and again.....To be honest, I don't really know why I get like that sometimes..

I'm sorta still in the throes of it, but am showing some signs of digging myself out of it....I think a key turning point was this afternoon, when I overheard Lynn talking on the phone with a prospective salesperson at New Jersey Lawyer. Initially, the conversation was typical, Lynn talking about the job, what it requires, the kind of atmosphere in NJL on a day by day basis, etc...But after about 10 minutes, I noticed that the conversation became more informal, more friendly, more fluid, and less mechanical.

It was at this moment that I came up with a comical but nonetheless HORRIBLE idea for a new TV show. OK, here's the premise:

Our main character, whom we would never see and rarely hear, each episode, responds to a help wanted ad at a different company. One episode could be a response to a classified ad for a sales job, another could be a response to a help wanted ad for a computer programmer, etc...

Each episode would basically start off the same: a conversation about the job. And the viewer would only see it from the perspective of the person already working in the company. However, as the episode would go on, the call would get increasingly personal, until it got to the point where deeply emotional issues associated with past wrongs and childhood memories were discussed....A regular feature of the show (much like the "Angel Scene" in 'Touched By An Angel') would be the "Personal Revelation' scene, where the employer would have one of his/her most deeply traumatic issues resolved by this prospective employee. At the end, once the issue was resolved, the mystery caller would turn down the job, saying, "I don't need the job...My work there is already done."..

The show would be called:

Help Wanted

Notice the double meaning? Eh?.....Eh?!

OK, whatever..

So I'm showing signs......And now, I must eat my nighty-night peanut butter and jelly sandwich with multi-vitamin.....G'night!

I can't blog about the Ghosts of Pasha because.....

2005-04-07T19:02:00.000-07:00

I HAVE HOMEWORK!..I'm not kidding!.....It's for my adult literacy class, I have to read chapters 1-4 in one book, chapters 1 and 2 in another, and complete a ditto...omigod, I think I'm gonna throw up.....[Jeff vomits violently, as this turn of events reminds him of the dark, dark days of high school geometry....uggggghhh..]'

So just as back then, homework prevented me from doing anything with my friends (well, actually, back then, Nintendo prevented me from having a social life -- but man, NO ONE was better than me at Super Mario Brothers 3, or Castlevania...or Metal Gear....or....oh, never mind[tear]) , homework is now preventing me from SAYING anything to my small but loyal audience of witty shadowlings.

After I'm done with my homework, THEN, and only then, can I talk about the Ghosts of Pasha....awwww geeeeeee...

Jeff Steps Into Uncharted Territory: His VERY OWN Social Life

2005-04-06T18:48:00.000-07:00

Hello howdy hola wazzup!!

I'm baaack! Yeeeeeaaaaahhhh!!!!! YEEEEEEEEHAAAAAWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW YA DOIN'!!!!![my fans respond: alrightIguessss....]

[Jeff is fazed, but quickly summons his excitment for a second try]

I SAIIIIDDDD!!!!!!!

HOW YA DOIN'!!!!!!

[fans respond with annoyed, somewhat menacing glares in my direction]

Oh wait! [Jeff has an idea ]

OK, let's try this one more time.........

HOW YA DOIN!!!!

[Jeff quickly pulls out blown up picture and shows it to the crowd]:

Crowd responds: WOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There we are!!!!! That's what I THOUGHT I would hear....I'm so glad to see all of you too!! Haha..I SURE AM!! Yes indeed!! [Jeff mutters under his breath: I've got a little text message for you, you bunch o' lousy, ungrateful --] ! Oh...I didn't notice you there...[nervous laugh]....

Anyway, Yes!!!.....Believe it or not, I have been busy of late, and this time, I've been using BOTH hands!.........ahem.....so for the first time in a very long while, I can honestly say that I am on my way to creating for moi, my very own, genuine, authentic, veritable, tangible, palpable, perceptible, conceivable -- actually, I have been rubbing the top of my back for the last 5 minutes or so, and I've noticed that I am peeling off A LOT of dead skin. I believe that this is the result of standing with my back to the showerhead during many a hot shower in the morning. Does anyone else have this problem? What would happen if you took a shower that lasted 8 hours? Or 16? or 24? Would it be possible to make your entire skin coelom dead skin through an illimitable shower, in which case, you can peel yourself like string chese, thus revealing an inner core of raspberry preserves with a side of gourmet sausage? What's the longest shower on record? I think, if it were up to me, and given an unlimited amount of hot water -- I would live in the shower, 'cause I love it mutants and mutanttes, 'caus I love it!!!! -- actual, social life!!.........[Let's pause for 15 seconds to reflect on the mysteries and baffling behavior of Jeff...after 2 seconds, it is realized that the remaining seconds will serve no purpose, as it has been decided that Jeff was probably created in an experimental genetic laboratory that attempted to cross various kinds of marsupials, INCLUDING THE OPPOSSUM (which is often overlooked as a marsupial, but nonetheless, it IS ONE! DO NOT DISCRIMINATE AGAINST THE MARSUPIAL!!!) with a gila monster.]

......Really, what can I possibly say after that blurb?? Hey, cut me some slack, I'm still dealing with the exciting aftermath of the latest dramatic episode of 'Lost'....Oh well, what I do want to talk about was an extremely weird conversation I had with a semi-famous actress from the 70's: she was actually more famous for the role she played in one famous movie than for her anything else she did in her life, childbirth included. So with my co-worker "R", I attended a comic book convention this past Sunday, and I arrive there at 2:00PM. While waiting to meet up with "R", I was basically killing time, wandering aimlessly from exhibit to exhibit, looking at uninteresting comics and DVD cult movies that I've watched like 6 times already, thus confirming my hopelessly exclusive and snobbish movie tastes, when I look up for a moment. The first thing I see is:
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Take a Guess

(a: Carson Daly as a stylish robotic spider from the 23rd century.
(b: A Halloween costume of a multi-vitamin, with a cylindrical shape and granular exterior

(c: Over-extensive 45-year-old cleavage
(d: Over-extensive footage of Charles-in-Charge footage ("Hey it's me!!.......Buddy!!!"....Buddy Lembeck was the ORIGINAL Kramer, I don't care what anyone says...)
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And the answer is:

C: Over-extensive 45-year old clevage

Now look....I REALLY didn't want to see these breasts, OK (and I'll be the first one to admit -- being a guy, I love breasts...but when it comes to aging, sagging, or scientifically-grown-and-fertilized breasts, THAT'S an entirely different story)....I immediately looked away, looked down, to the right, to the left, any which direction I could just to get my eyes away -- and then I looked behind this woman, and I saw several blown up pictures from the movie "Saturday Night Fever" -- including pictures of John Travolta, of Olivia Newton John, and then many of John Travolta's dance partner -- then I looked at the woman in front of me..DING DING DING!! We have a winner!

So I was looking at Karen Lynn Gorney, but her real name is John Travolta's Dance Partner (initialed: JTDP) Now, the weird thing was that I had a pounding headache, even before I saw the sacriligeous protrusions, so I was not nearly in top social improv form. Besides, I don't know THAT MUCH about Saturday Night Fever, so when I started talking to her, I sounded like a gushing fan that was in awe of her...I was like, "Hey!..Umm...yeah...so....see, the thing is....umm...ya know...wait! yea....yes...........OK, so Yeah! I like..ummm..that movie...THIS!....um..movie...with you...YOU WERE GREAT!! REALLY!...REALLY...REALLY....GREAT....."

Needless to say, Karen Lynn Gorney was quite confused, so she relieved the tension by showcasing --- her CD's, of course!...heh heh.....What did you think I was going to say??..heh heh...--So, she peddled this CD she created in the late 70's, a CD of original songs, a CD of various types of songs -- dare I say, a prog CD? Wait! It gets better...The CD was dedicated to her dead cat, named El Gato, who lived from 1980-1998...She then autographed it with a little heart for me and asked if I wanted to buy it...I said yes....Why??? I honestly don't know....

But I will say this -- this CD has amazing comic potential. For instance, look at the front cover:

And now here's a fairly crappy picture of the back cover (I wanted to scan it into my computer, but my scanner broke! Doh! So I found this small, fairly inadequate picture from Yahoo! image search..You can't read the song titles, but you CAN see a gigantic white cat):

And there you have it.....Honestly, I can't possibly imagine what lies ahead of me in that CD..Who knows? Maybe it's really good, I wouldn't know right now.....

But maybe it's not really good......and that would be fine too, of course, from a Simon-Cowell mordant-musical-cynic perspective :-)

And yeah...the other 4 hours at the convention were fun...me and "R" looked at several ridiculous crossover comics, including "Spiderboy" (Spiderman and Superboy) and "Lobo The Duck" (Lobo and Howard the Duck)...we had fun, we talked, yada yada yada....whatever...

But yeah!!.....Karen Lynn Gorney will forever live in my mind for her surprisingly and mysteriously daring physical showing, as well as this bizarre artifact of a CD that will undoubtedly become a cult item amongst musical antique collectors in the near future, I'm sure....

What a weird conversation...

Tomorrow: More with the Ghosts of Pasha News Network!

Upcoming Blogs! Why am I yelling?!

2005-04-03T20:46:00.000-07:00

Hola!

I'm leaving tomorrow for a technology conference in Hershey, Pennsylvania called America East!..So I won't be able to blog until Wednesday...

But have no fear: I've got some utterly weird and random tales for YOU!...Some possible blogs you'll see in the near future include:

(1: A Dating Disaster story: Turning down a near perfect girl for one superficial reason...

(2: More Ghosts of Pasha news, including some astonishing injustices the band is suffering at the hands of some deadbeat club owners who won't shell out the cash they promised! -- AND I'M TAKING NAMES!!

(3: A Sunday evening at the comic book convention with my co-worker "R"....I had a good time, actually, but nonetheless, I experienced one of the stranger moments/conversations in my recent life (years from 2000-present), when I chatted with a 70's movie celebrity dame..Guess who? (If you guess right, I will give you -- not one...NOT TWO...BUT THREEE! multi-vitamins, containing RDA prescribed values of over 30 crucial vitamins and minerals -- including "badass" niacin and "bitchin" copper.

(4: A NEW dance, complete and replete with homemade costumes and imagination, depleted of personal pride :-)

OK, till then, happy..umm..whatever...I'm out of the office for a couple of days! Woohoo!...and I'm off to Hershey, the land of chocolate, to go to wonderfully geeky/enjoyable sessions about Web design/strategy/marketing, and to get a chocolate mud bath! (No, I'm not kidding -- add that to the list of blogs comin' up!)

Uh oh...

2005-03-31T17:15:00.000-08:00

In the last few days, my blog entries have been WAY TOO LONG...

So tonight, I just want to talk about how I'm going to be "The Bad Guy" tomorrow...

OK, here's the story: So at work, there's this guy, who I will refer to as "R". Now, he's a nice guy and very intelligent, but like anyone else, he's not without his faults -- his is that he's very, very uptight.

So we have a few things in common, such as semi-obscure movies and other geeky hobbies like comic books. Last month, he invited me to go to a comic book convention in NYC, right across from Penn Station. Because I am the type of person that is accessible to all (Jeff smiles, as several pictures are taken of me wearing a brown hooded robe, in a pose where I am handing out a fish to a starving man wearing tattered clothing -- that's my pompous hubris of the week) I figured that it might be fun to do something in the city with R, who shared some of my more underappreciated interests..

Remember, this was about a month ago...So in the next few weeks, it was very clear that R was excited about me going with him -- every day at work, he would approach my cubicle and add a detail or ask a question about the trip: "Hey Jeff, I thought we might meet at...", "Jeff, how about meeting at 2 p.m.?....", "Hey Jeff, what restaurants do you want to eat at, because if we.."...etc.....Now it did get fairly annoying after a while, especially in regards to setting up a meeting place. One day, R announced to me that he was going to NYC, and while there, he would scout for possible meeting locations in Penn Station. I thought this was a bit ridiculous and even a little comical, since we discussed the meeting place at least 7 different times previously.

Nonetheless, despite R's uptight and unnecessarily maddening preparations, I looked forward to going to this comic convention with him.....What was made MOST clear to me was the intense joy my arrival seemed to engender within him, which is flattering to me...

However, this is where the "Bad Guy" idea comes into play -- I found out today, while at work, that my literacy tutor training starts this Saturday -- THE VERY SAME DAY THAT I'M GOING INTO NYC WITH R. --....but still, I figured that if the class, which starts at 10am, was a couple of hours, then I could make it into NYC and meet R and the convention, allowing for a lengthy day of fun....

But I figured WRONG.....the class runs for 5 HOURS!!, and ends at 3PM!.....By the time I get to the city (at best, 5PM, since the train ride is about an hour to Penn Station from where I am), the convention will be over, and R will be very, very sad.....

I have no choice but to break the news to him tomorrow.....and the worst part is that it really SEEMS like a cop out on my part, even though it isn't..I mean, from R's perspective, I suddenly come up with an "excuse" that will just prevent me from getting to the convention on time....and of course, my training class issue just sprang up yesterday....to a social cynic, what I tell R tomorrow will seem like a very weak excuse, or a boldface lie...

OK, I'm no stranger to weak excuses or boldface lies, but this time, I'm telling the truth! I have nothing to feel guilty about, yet, I feel as if I did something wrong.....

This is one of those situations that will be a lot funnier to other people looking on than to the partipants......I mean, will R revert back to his antisocial cocoon and never look at me again? Will he break out of his impassive, somewhat aloof, extremely conservative shell?

I can imagine the following Monday morning:

********************************************************************************
Jeff: Hey...how are...umm...things?
R: [muttering something silently, looking away from me]
Jeff:....umm...well.....uhhh......how was your...uhhh..Sunda-
R: NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU #@$%#@!! You've crossed me Partyka, and anyone who crosses me finds out who I REALLY am in a hurry! I won't tell you HOW......I won't tell you WHEN, but you'll KNOW ALL TOO WELL when I have enacted my revenge on you:

You'll see your name sprawled upon the walls of New Jersey Lawyer:

IN A SEA OF BLOOD!!!!!RRROOOOAAARRRRR!!!!!!

I guess you're IBS will get a bit worse after that, eh buddy??!!

[R storms away angrily .....Jeff starts weeping like a baby, with Brooke and Lynn looking on]..

Jeff: [notices Lynn and Brooke staring at Jeff] -- Well!! You've got ads to sell people!! You've got ads to sell!! Get back to work!!! NOW!!!!
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.....most likely, I'm exaggerating horribly, and R will understand just fine....[cough]......[insert Jeff smiley]

I'll keep you posted......

Beseiged by Inspiration

2005-03-30T18:31:00.000-08:00

The virtually freaky amounts of creative and professional inspiration I've received in the past few days have nearly made up for the last few weeks of mentally destructive IT work I've had to deal with in the office -- in particular, dealing with a horrible company named Saxotech that makes it ABSOLUTELY clear to me that me and my company just aren't worth much to them -- well, at least not while the bong is being passed around amongst their tech support team...

But I won't use this blog to mouth off about Saxotech and the innumerable pains that clownish operation has caused me, for heavens sake no...Instead, I will focus on the many optimistic and positive occurrences that have uplifted my spirits and galvanized my after-work life with activities not related to Survivor and 3-hour ciestas (while wearing an authentic sombrero) ending at 10:00 PM -- "Well, I guess I better eat something, then it's off to bed for me at 11PM! [Jeff performs jug dance, then hits his head with a wooden spatula exactly 28 times].... uhhh...huhhuhuhuh.....huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh................huhuhu!!"

.....errrggguguugugugug

OK, what REALLY lifted my spirits and boosted my creative confidence was an unexpected windfall of very high praise that I received at Don Hills, where the Ghosts of Pasha, a soon-to-be juggernaut in the world of Post-Indie rock, performed to a clamoring and rowdy audience. Honestly, the last thing I expected when coming to the show was praise for my VERY OWN musical talents....lol

But that's what happened, and here's why: file this under the "Things You Never Knew About Jeff Partyka, and Probably Wish You Never Asked In The First Place", or as I like to call it for short, TYNKAJPAPWYNAITFP.....that acronym just ROLLS off the tongue, doesn't it?

Anyway, here it is:
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Jeff Factoid #2353353212-344-435b

About a year and a half ago, I finished creating an electronic music CD, the result of sporadic work completed over a period of about 2 years.

********************************************************************************

Yes, it's true! If you don't believe me, I'll order you a copy :-)

But to give a little background: it's an electronic music CD where I edited sound samples from my 7500 mp3s (about 30 GB worth) and pieced them together to form a song-like structure. Often times, great detail went into the planning of the songs, as I would draw "layer diagrams" that would dictate when certain sounds would start and others would stop, and all of the combinations of these sounds at any given time. The CD was basically intended to be a snapshot of my uncontrollably random brain at the age of 22 -- I saw my brain as a heaping, overflowing box of crap, and I spilled it onto my CD, in audio and visual forms. I'm proud to say that I did not just the songs, but the production for each song, and the artwork of the front and back covers.

Anyway, so here's the story behind the praise of my musical creation talent at Don Hills: I gave out a few of my CD's to people, and I found that I generally received 2 kinds of feedback: (1: Glowing, rave reviews attesting to the complexity of my songs, as well as their careful structuring. (2: Negative feedback, which always came in the form of silence........as in crickets silence......as in Montana 12:00 AM silence (or Montana 12:00 PM silence for that matter)....as in SNL punchline silence..........now THAT'S silence....LOL...(I always thought that SNL wasn't actually a sketch comedy show, but a sociology experiment cleverly designed to gauge discomfort and boredom amongs large groups of random people)

So one year ago, I ordered a copy of my CD for a guy named Aaron (part of the Sayreville contigent that attends GOP shows). Upon seeing the artwork, he was impressed and clearly showed some interest in listening to the songs. I was excited! I thought, "OK, now I'm going to get the opinion of someone who has been involved with music for his entire life"...These kinds of opinions I value the most, when it comes to reviewing my CD, because they are advanced enough to make keen observations regarding the production of the songs, their general design, and the layers of ambience in each track. My brother Chris really liked my CD, so I was 1/1 amongst the experts...Could I make it 2/2 with Aaron?

So for a few weeks, I eagerly checked my email, and.....no messages. Eventually, I lost hope in ever getting an email, and I wondered if possibly my CD got lost in the mail. After 6 months of hearing nothing, I figured that Aaron probably didn't like my CD -- not that my spirit was crushed or anything, or even that I was slighty disappointed -- I just figured that my CD wasn't for everyone (that much is definitely true; my CD, consisting of songs about intergalactic funerals for emperors and excerpts from extraterrestrial movies about bile extraction factories, is not what you would call top 40 material...LOL)

Fast forward one year to Don Hills, the site of last Saturday's GOP show. I'm chilling with my brothers, and suddenly, Aaron appears!...We shake hands, we exchange the usual greetings, but then he blurts out immediately:

"Jeff! I LOVED your CD! It was great! The way you melded together the songs...it was brilliant!"

Well, I don't know about you, but after weeks upon weeks of horrible winter weather, bullshit at work, and IBS-related problems, this was probably the best news I've received in a very, very long time. It really made me smile. And to call my CD brilliant??!! Wow!....That blows me away!...I was proud of my acheivement, but I thought that I could do a lot better. (and I will after I'm done with my sophomore effort, an exasperatingly detailed work at this point)

Again, that made me feel good; this has inspired me to work HARDER THAN EVER to create my unique brand of homemade electronic jaded-office-worker ambience, with a touch of sci-fi madness and sprinkles of wacky comedy throughout.

There is other stuff that has inspired me, like the 60 degree temperatures and driving golf balls over a hundred yards during my lunch hour....but that will be a story for another day!

The Ghosts of Pasha News Network: Monday and Tuesday, March 28-29, 2005

2005-03-29T16:15:00.001-08:00

Here is your host: from Washington -- Tim Russert....oh wait....he's interviewing that guy from the "other" GOP, the evil kind.......which one? (audience erupts in laughter, massive applause follows)

...Oh wait!....the REAL host of the Ghosts of Pasha News Network is Jeff Partyka!..
[Jeff stands up and applauds]...Wooo!!! Yeah!!!!!! [but all he hears is a slient, cavernous echo, followed by a howling wolf in the night]......[Jeff grumbles silently to himself, thinks up several plots to assassinate key hecklers in the audience]

Hello. My name is Jeff Partyka, and starting today, I am beginning an effort to spread the gospel to the world!...You mean, the Gospel of Christ??? Nope....Then, you mean the Gospel of the Holy Ghost?....Well....sorta........

What I mean is the Gospel of A Holy Ghost...or Holy Ghosts.......:

The Ghosts of Pasha!

And what better way for me to begin than by relaying my top story:

The Ghosts of Pasha NYC concert at Don Hills, in front of a Showtime Camera Crew!!

This will be from my very own unique personal perspective, the perspective of one who hadn't seen this band play live since the very early days, the perspective of one who is not exactly an indie rocker, the perspective of one who is becoming increasingly surfeited with monotonous enterntainment bombarding my consciousness at all times (thus producing a depressing effect that leads to massive doses of mint-chocolate chip ice cream...Hmmm...I wonder if that's really a bad thing..), the perspective of one who expects nothing less than top-notch, professional, original, and good ol' fashioned fun music..

I should note that this blog is very, very long...It's really 2-days worth of long blogs, so break out the Pepsi bottles and the Peanut Butter and Banana sandwiches, you'll be sitting on your ass for a long, long, LONG, time.....OK, after reading that sentence, half of you just left to watch American Idol....Fine......be that way.....hmph!....LOL/jk..

BUT FIRST!! -- I will steal an idea from that OTHER GOP news network...but it's for a beneficial, non-evil (or Non-Falwellian, either one is acceptable) cause. Now, I avoid that news channel like the plague, but I DO rather like their scrolling news ticker at the bottom of the screen that quickly reveals all the latest goings-on around the world in a fair and balanced way, such as:

"According to the latest study from the American Conservative Union, 87% of all Democrats are gay, and 95% will eventually cheat on their spouses, since they are aligned with Satan. "

You know, typical Fox News stories....

So without further ado, I will unveil my Ghosts of Pasha scrolling news ticker!:

Ghosts of Pasha concerts typically feature scores of several beautiful and hip 21 year-old-girls, none of whom are power bitches. So come on down you bored Central Jerseyans, take off those Iron Maiden and Overkill T-shirts and believe in the supernatural! Believe in the Ghosts of Pasha!

As my news campaign continues to burgeon into new lands and foreign territories -- we plan on penetrating Northeast Luxembourg by Mid-June, and have just launched a multi-pronged "Hum of the Grand Union" brainwashing front in patches of Bedouin Uzbekistan -- I will continue to use the ticker to provide valuable insight and factoids concerning the GOP scene, its geisty followers, and of course, the retinue of early 20's hotties that constantly surround the band and attend to their every whim: We will refer to them as the "Pasha Princess Procession"

Anyway, let me talk about the show this past Saturday night...So I drive with my brother Dave from Central Jersey, up the NJ Turnpike, through the Holland Tunnel, and into city. I don't often venture into the city nearly as much as I should, since I am usually immersed in a suburban cocoon consisting of a fluid-based matrix of 3rd rate realityTV and way too many grilled chicken subway sandwiches. Therefore, when I do go to the city, I am lambasted by the almost scary amount of energy and swirling activity happening all around me -- oh wait, those are just NYC taxi drivers....never mind...

Continuing with my story, we get to Don Hills, in anticipation of seeing our brother Chris....Let me say that the venue was actually very cool and very chill -- it was the type of place where you can freely mingle with anyone, regardless of age, initial social xenophobia, music tastes, what have you. And I can't forget the ubiquitous neon lighting that provide the place with an easy going, loungey, glo-flow vibe..

Of course, the main attraction was the Ghosts of Pasha -- as soon as Dave and I entered the venue, we see them on stage doing a sound check. After one of the songs, I motion to Chris, and he just lit up with excitement upon seeing us...

We all knew that it was going to be a fantastic show after this moment.

So in the next half-hour or so, everyone just kinda mingled, in accordance with the Don Hills genetic vibe -- we bantered with Nick, the lead singer of the GOP, then Ezra, the drummer, then Brad, the bassist -- then with their friends, then with random people associated with the band.
And then the family members of the band, including parents, showed up.

Now, at this point, Dave and I were at the height of our razor-edged sarcasm and cleverly raucous sense of humor, and we noticed that many parents of not just people in the band, but of many of the GOP's friend-network showed up...We were both disappointed that my parents didn't go, as they cited the age of the people in the audience as a major concern. So Dave and I both remarked that there are "lots of older people here at Don Hills"!....

This proves only one thing -- that the GOP is a young hip band loved by all audiences with a wide variety of tastes, from Sinatra to Slayer to Sunny Day Real Estate (BTW, I would pay $100 to see if Sinatra and Slayer could play on stage together and actually compliment one another musically....LOL)....Well, if you told a Sinatra fan that the GOP also has a song called "New York, New York", he/she might be interested.......But getting back to the audience of all ages theme -- one day, you may read how the GOP is stealing the audience once possessed by the Brian Setzer Orchestra....lol

Anyway, the show FINALLY starts -- and Jeff FINALLY gets to the freaking point!....Now, from my musical perspective, I sorta knew what to expect..I mean, I knew it would be indie-based rock of some kind....I know some of the songs, but as I would find out, the Ghosts are an innovative, hard-working and downright creative bunch that continually churn out new groove addictions and hypnotic hooks that will make you want to quit your dreadfully boring and stressful job.

It turned out that not only did the band do LOTS of new material, but that they remade some of their classics from the EP -- at one point, I noticed a song I deemed "progressive" and containing oodles of wacky guitar and quirky, dissonant, yet listener-friendly guitar and keyboard. I asked Chris what the hell was going on there, and he told me that it was a re-working of Paper Doll...I was impressed and delighted all at once -- impressed because it easily met the complex musical standards of jazz and 70's prog-rock that I find so endearing, and delighted because it sounded so whimsical and pasha-tudinally cool!....

Let's see, other notes from the show: I thought the Ghosts of Pasha as a whole have made enormous strides in their musicianship and stage presence. OK, let me say this -- with 95% of bands out there, you hear the music, you pay the cover, you have a drink, but it's clear that the band is just punching a clock. There's no true "feeling", there's not that much to get you excited, there's usually nothing original happening, and then when the band's done playing, they leave the stage, the lights dim, the audience half-heartedly chants the band's name, and then WALLAH!! they're back!!!! NO WAY, I didn't think THAT would happen!

Seen way too many shows like that? So have I.......

The GOP don't play that game maaan!! Unlike 98% of America, they're fun guys who love to perform on stage and have a freaking ball while doing it! Chris jumps around like a Mexican Jumping Bean crossed with a basketball mascot while playing his extraterrestrial-pop tinged guitar, Nick sings and flails in a hypnotic, undefined, neo-dadaistic manner that hacks into your brain and takes complete control, Ezra pounds out pulsating rhythms that bring out the groovin' monster in all of us, and Brad not only keeps it all together but actually drives this behemoth with his signature ear-candy bass lines...

Overall, I loved the show -- I recommend the Ghosts of Pasha for not just indie exclusionists, not just condescending jazz enthusiasts, not just youngins, not just jaded early thirty-somethings, not just scrawny and mellow underdogs, not just muscular and intense beefcakes, not just extroverted cards, not just introverted brooders, not just you, not just me -- but EVERYONE -- especially those beautiful 21 year old girls, who WE'RE NOT PAYING to be there, by the way -- they come cause they want to be part of the Pasha Princess Procession..

OK, more happened, including some unexpected praise in my direction for an electronic music CD I created (I'm absolutely serious -- I'll blog about that later this week), some travails the band experienced in regards to NOT GETTING PAID for their fantastic gigs, and of course, that trivial, insignificant detail concerning the SHOWTIME CAMERA CREW that came to film the Ghosts of Pasha's set.

This is Jeff Partyka, GOP correspondent, signing off....until tomorrow, have a good night..[jeff shuffles papers, pretends to talk in animated fashion with weatherman, performs staged laughter].....

Jeff's Friday Night Dance Party!

2005-03-25T17:00:00.000-08:00

So I didn't tell ya, did I?

I can dance maaan!!!

In fact, I won the 2004 New Jersey Hopeless Webguy Singles Dance Tournament (NJHWDT)...As far as the couples tournament, Baby and I finished in 2nd, unfortunately...

Anyway, I'm very kind...So kind!, in fact, that I have decided to reveal to the world some of my ummm..."unique" twists and contortions -- ABSOLUTLEY FREE!!

Click the links below to see videos of me dancing! I've come up with 2, so you come up with the names of the jigs if you like! It's fun!

Dance #1

Dance #2

A Blog JAM PACKED with lots of stuff!!

2005-03-23T18:37:00.000-08:00

WAZZZUPPP!!!

In keeping with this week's personal theme of Jumbles and 'Disconnected Occurrences Being Lumped Together For No Apparent Reason', I have decided to blog in the same manner...Now yesterday, I mentioned how I would talk about my mysterious newfound obsession with Pat Zajac..But in addition, as a Mind Pit Reader bonus (and no, this is ENTIRELY DIFFERENT from being a mere Mind Reader -- I showed quite clearly a few weeks ago that I am not a Mind Reader, although it appears that this is part of my job description at times :-) What I SHOULD do is watch as many tapes of Sylvia Browne as possible, and just mimic her entire act: the grossly excessive blue eyeshadow, the supernatural fingernail length, her dyed blonde hair, and of course, a list of tastefully exotic names for peoples' spirit guides. This way, I may actually escape my next meeting without being yelled at, mocked, or merely regarded as an alumnus of Georgia University (AKA: a stupidhead)............) , -- Oh c'mon, how could I continue this sentence after such a prolonged and schitzophrenic tangent? That's it, end of thought, I CHOOSE TO DEFY grammar, and in the process, am slightly more badass!

And guess what?? While I write this blog, I am wearing a black eyepatch, and a permanent tattoo of the band Poison!! Arrr!!...and Arrggggghhh!!!

???????

Jeff Factoid #2456543

My spirit guide's name is Yolonda :-) Yolonda was an 18th century hurohaota, or "Friend to the Ghost Shaman" amongst the Hopi Indian Tribes of the southwest. He was also an avid proponent of hallucinogenic mushrooms and peyote...........................[blinkblink]

For Butterscotch...

OK Butterscotch, this one's ESPECIALLY FOR YOU!..HEH HEH...

In remindng me multiple times about getting MSN Messenger and me taking too long to act on it (after I promised a weekend download, which I couldn't keep...doh), you say "Promises, Promises"...Do ya??? Do ya???? (BTW, you must be a stickler for tardiness....LOL...but you can't be nearly as bad as my High School English teacher, Mr. Vanderbeek, who actually used a stopwatch to time students as they entered class.....one time, this kid named Koffa was late to class by .07 seconds....Literally, we're talking the length between 1st and 2nd place in Track and Field World Championships here.....And if Koffa got one more late, he would have a week's worth of detention assigned to him....

So did Mr. Vanderbeek let up on him, being that the margin was so thin and tenuous???

Nope.....despite 5 minutes of Koffa pleading, even begging to Mr. Vanderbeek while on his knees, my teacher just WOULD NOT go easy on him...Come to think of it, that must have felt extremely unfair to Koffa, but at the time, I thought it was one of the funniest things I had ever seen, so I couldn't stop laughing.....In fact, now that I look back on that......HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!)

Well, I got MSN Messenger.....And when I add your email address to my contact list, what, pratell, do I see???

"Butterscotch is NOT online"

Again, let us repeat this crucial, all-important, pivotal moment in my social life, in MY PERSONAL HISTORY, in the history of HUMAN CIVILIZATION!!:

"Butterscotch is NOT online"

.........It's simply 4 words....yet it speaks volumes.....about the nature of friendship.....THE NATURE of human relations.....THE NATURE of fundamental, good old fashioned, intrinsic, genetically coded -- Ooh! We have a new bag of Tostitos tortilla chips...yummy!! -- Oh....ummm....yeah....don't worry about it, TTYL Ciao!

My Mysterious Newfound Obsession With Pat Zajac

All right, what's this about?? Well, I watch Jeopardy every day, and right after Jeopardy is Wheel of Fortune....I CAN'T WATCH THIS SHOW, and even if my life depended on it, I still don't believe I could force myself to watch this show.....

It's just TOO STUPID.....That's not to say that I hate all stupid television, because I watch some realityTV, and some of my all time favorite movies (like Dumb and Dumber) are legendary for their brilliant stupidity.....that's not a mistake....stupidity really can be brilliant, if arranged properly.......

Anyway, the transition between the intelligence levels in these 2 shows is beyond staggering. In fact, there have been times that my mind just cannot handle it without a minor seizure or a related cardiovascular incident. What always gets me, in particular, is the difference between Final Jeopardy and the first puzzle in Wheel of Fortune.

Perhaps the sharpest intelligence drop ever recorded took place about 2 months ago, when the Final Jeopardy answer concerned an obscure French folk tale about Gargantua and Pantagruel, which of course all3 contestants knew just as easily as their own names....After being impressed/intimidated by the immense breadth of knowledge these people had, I then went off to get a drink....I come back to my favorite rocking chair, and the first thing I hear/see is a woman saying:

"Pat, I would like to solve the puzzle:

CREAM -- OF-- MUSH-ROOM --- SOUP!!! WOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And related to this is why I am obsessed with Pat Zajac...it's quite simple actually -- I am amazed by how robotic and charmless this man is. He is devoid of any element of charisma....To even suggest that he is capable of individual thought is laughable.......EVERY SHOW, what he does and says is nearly identical -- and as far as banter with the contestants -- there's virtually none!..Even Alex Trebek, who is as uptight as most people are, at least TRIES in his own way to chat with people for about a minute or so....I mean, that's SOMETHING.....But as soon as Pat Zajac gets to the wheel podium, he IMMEDIATELY says, "Let's get right to it! blah blah blah"...

One day, I will dedicate an entire post to mapping out the EXACT physical movements and waveforms of his speech during this critical first minute of the show. Perhaps scientists can use the knowledge accrued from this experiment to advance the field of robotics and corporate sociology (AKA: how to seem engaging at work to others while living as a vapid drone)

And finally...CONFIRMATION THAT MY BROTHER'S BAND, THE GHOSTS OF PASHA, WILL BE PLAYING THIS SATURDAY, THE 26TH OF MARCH, IN NYC, WITH A SHOWTIME FILM CREW:..Here is an email from Nick Caporaso, AKA Milo Finch, the lead singer:
**************************************************************************

GHOSTS OF PASHA TISWAS SHOWCASE 9:30 http://www.tiswasnyc.com/ Don Hill's 511 Greenwich St. at Spring St. NYC Directions : http://www.donhills.com/pages/frameset.htm * Besides the HOT ROCK there will be a film crew filming the show for a new TV program on SHOWTIME based on the hit NPR radio show THIS AMERICAN LIFE!!! Thanks For Supporting Ghosts of Pasha in the last few months!!! Things have been going great. We have been playing shows and recording. We should have a new EP out soon and are planning some new recording sessions in NYC, NC, and VT... Come check us out at our other shows March 26th TISWAS NYC April 1st MONKEY HOUSE , Burlington April 6th METRONOME, Burlington April 8th KENNY'S CASTAWAYS , NYC April 21st THE LONG TRAIL , JOHNSON VT THANKS MILO FINCH www.ghostsofpasha.com

Because I Am So Boring Today, I Need to Write Some Stream of Consciousness Poetry

2005-03-22T17:20:00.001-08:00

Hola!

OK, I'll admit it right up front -- I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT TODAY!

Today is my turn to officially don the cloak of "The Most Boring Person In North America" (Or, as I learned in Jeopardy today, I might be the most boring person in the Continental United States, otherwise known as Conus.......Now there's one factoid for my next 1920's comic strip collectors party.........cough....). People in my life can attest to just how frigteningly boring I was today -- I exhibited all of the signs, ranging from a robotic and monotonous voice to long and awkward gaps of quietude in conversation. Here's an example conversational snippet from today:
*******************************************************************************

Brooke and Lynn: So Jeff, we're going out to lunch right now, and we're not supposed to tell anyone where we're going! (expecting a playful answer)

Jeff:..............................Yes...................................................................wait...........
.......................wait.................one......................moment............................!........ah....
let us resume......................................[Brooke and Lynn have disappeared from view]..........................................................................
..........Yes.......................Well...................................food...................yes.........is..and CAN!......................................make...........one's.........................................................
day...............................................................food........................................................bye
..................byeeeeeee..........................................................................

[Muddled and Mentally Murky Montana Mike says, "Gol...leey!..........Jeff is Duh!"]

And the weird thing is that there's really nothing wrong with my mood or anything..I'm not angry at anyone, I just possess this incredibly overpowering feeling of numbness. While I was driving, there were times when I was so relaxed that I almost consciously decided to veer off into someone's lawn and screech donuts into the grass with my tires. No angst would be attached to my actions; I would literally feel as if I was playing a text-based computer game, like
Oregon Trail, in the most detached way possible......The events in my life would play out as follows:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Jeff is driving car
-Jeff has eaten bologna sandwich
-Jeff feels good.
.....waiting for command.................waiting for command....................
-Jeff acquires hang glider.
-Jeff drives car off cliff.
-Jeff flies using hang glider.
-Jeff is flying.....Jeff is flying.........Jeff is flying.............Jeff is flying.........Jeff is flying.............Jeff is. -- Jeff has landed in river.
-Jeff jumps out of car.
-Jeff swims to shore.
-Jeff hangs out with Def Leppard hobos.
-Jeff dances for nickles.
-Jeff acquires ravioli smeared sleeping sack.
-Jeff falls asleep to Pour Some Sugar On Me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyway, in order to cure myself of my newfound intense boredom, I must write some totally random poetry, consisting of exactly 11 lines:

Bilious Yet Smaltzy: The Joan Kwaz-Bugs-Tudinaaal Storie...zzzzz.?!

Grape penguin fire talks in whittling Canterbury flint dust,
For it negates Amon Amarth's wunderkind, AKA: The Jejji Eskimos
And doth it not create dragons, or demons, or werewolves or Knife-Boy McFadden?
Ho! Christmas calligraphy shan't be worthwhile, if Eric Slimebutt (along with 3 or 4 close, personal friends and their respective digitally signed tofu tridents) eats cake!!
HE EATS CAKE!!! EAST of Morpheus Town, West of Moonshine Land,
But always North of your best friend's dog -- al-vays!

In devouring as many chickens as possible, remember that vile chorals
cordon the temporal mindcatz diagonal Jeffer cream -- sour Stevie hasn't
yet quite ain't not stated the pro bono medication alleging soulvaki assitude,
Thereby harboring horned rabbits, dartboards of all ages and sizes (bricks and organs!)!
**************************************************************************

I promise I won't be this weird tomorrow, but I need to satisfy my ultra-random urges every so often :-) I'll be back tomorrow to talk about my new obsession with Pat Zajac!

A Chris Weekend Described -- With ZERO Hyperbole

2005-03-21T16:57:00.000-08:00

Hola!

OK, so this past weekend, my brother Chris, of Ghosts of Pasha fame, made a surprise visit...

This means only 2 things:

(1:Impossible Occurrences Being Made Possible In The Most Casual Way Imaginable (often between heaping spoonfuls of canned ravioli)

(2: Hours Upon Hours of Watching Absolutely Horrendous/Cheeseball Television -- and loving it!

So you may be thinking, "Oh geez, now I have to listen to Jeff ramble on for page after page while he aggrandizes a relatively normal suburban weekend by comparing the experience to the discovery of the Ark of the Covenant"....Doh! You ruined my blog!....Grrrr...........

But I'm exhausted anyway from "soap.........POISONING!"....(I just read an article about the movie "A Christmas Story".....this quote has no bearing on anything, it is totally random...you may resume your life starting.............NOW!)...But I figure that now would be the perfect time to prove once and for all that Chris's presence causes spontaneous and routine insanity, whether I want it to happen or not..

Therefore, what I'll do is relay the events that occurred this weekend in a THIRD PERSON PASSIVE voice. This is the voice adopted by scientists in keeping logs that make for such thrilling reading, such as Manganese-based inorganic chemistry journals and Markov Chain Application scrapbooks.

Now, if this blog remains exciting, despite my most mentally sterile efforts, then I have PROVED, BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT, that Chris's mere presence causes universal imbalance and grossly tilts the laws of natural probability.

*************************************************************************************

On Friday night, I sleep in bed. After thinking how the peace of the night, Jeff hears a loud and disruptive banging on his bedroom window.
Jeff nearly has fatal heart attack, but survives.
Jeff lifts up blinds to see Chris at the front door, paying surprise visit. Jeff also sees blinding headlights from a car (Nick's car -- he's Chris's friend and bandmate)
Jeff instinctively shouts out name and rank: Jeff Partyka!!, Webmaster, New Jersey Lawyer!! before realizing that he is only experiencing chronic hallucinations from his 27-day detainment at Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay after purchasing AND consuming a Bean Burrito at Taco Bell...
Jeff fights off hallucinations, cardiac arrest, blindness, and drowsiness to open the front door. Jeff and Chris hug each other, retire to separate rooms, fall asleep for 10 hours.
On Saturday morning, while Chris is devouring a prodigious ham and cheese sandwich, he manages to squeeze in a few words about his band appearing on Showtime. Yes, Showtime as in the cable channel known as Showtime. Yep...THAT Showtime....THAT'S RIGHT!!! Show --- Time.......!!!!!!!!...............SHOWTIME!!!!!

(OK, lab journal break -- It's true!!! -- The Ghosts of Pasha are going to be on Showtime!!! What the hell is going on??!!!! Who the hell cares???!!!! The Ghosts of Pasha, my brother Chris -- and...umm...the other guys that stand next to him while he plays...ahem!-- ARE GOING TO BE ON CABLE F%&$&# TV!! HOLY SHIPPEROOO MAAAN!!!!!!

OK, what I know is this: The Ghosts of Pasha are playing in NYC this weekend, at a place called Don Hills. From what I know, the show will be taped, and I believe it will be shown on Showtime!...

Now, how in God's name did this happen? Let's resume the lab journal voice and find out!)

Chris discussed meeting intelligent, connected film crew associated with Showtime.
These people had heard about what happened to the Ghosts of Pasha at the Mercury Lounge several months ago, when Improv Group staged the "Best Gig Ever", in which comedy team pretended to be crazed audience supporting band.
Newspapers picked up on story and made out GOP to be a struggling, pathetic band.
More newspapers picked up on story, and interviewed band members -- but same article was always used.
Showtime people heard about this, got upset, wanted to give GOP a chance to show the world their talents.
Interviewed band members, were moved to tears.
GOP will now get last laugh :-)
On the other hand, Improv Everywhere will go nowhere.
Chris finished breakfast. Jeff drank glass of water.
Jeff thought about eating a single pancake, but decided that a scramble egg, perhaps with a touch of cheddar cheese, would hit the spot. It did -- but Jeff did not use cheese.
At 11am, Jeff tries to buy ticket for a show in Pennsylvania called NEARFest.
The show, which boasts a capacity of 1000, is sold out -- in 3 minutes.
Jeff did not procure ticket. Jeff got pissed and whipped a chocolate chip cookie against the wall. The cookie was smashed.
Jeff drowns himself in misery by watching movie called "Far From Heaven", about gay people living in the 50's who pretended to be straight.
Julianne Moore is a great actress. Her fake smile was spot on. Never trust Julianne Moore.
Dad hated the movie, because men were giving open mouth kisses to each other.
Jeff went off to Borders to read. Jeff gets bored after seeing 0 hot girls. Jeff leaves.
In the meantime, Chris takes nap while listening to Norwegian death metal. The music soothes him.
At night, we consumed food, drink, and supplements.
We watched another movie called "Repulsion", a horror movie made in 1965 by Roman Polanski.
The movie was about a beautiful French girl who loses her mind after being left alone for the weekend. She murders 2 people using household tools. The movie was extremely quiet and quite creepy.
We fell asleep.
Sunday morning, we waited for Chris's friend and bandmate, Nick, to call.
I do laundry -- I use Dynamo with Brillo fabric softener. Sunday morning laundry is very relaxing. When I think of Sunday morning, I think of a large, happy Sun that wants to be my friend.
While waiting for Nick to call, Chris watches a Rocky marathon (Rocky 2 and 3) while Jeff reads Watership Down, a novel about verbally eloquent rabbits, using the British vernacular, escaping the destruction of their warren and attempting to find a new home, and a new way of life.
I get sucked into the Rocky marathon -- I watch most of Rocky 2 and all of Rocky 3. I was amazed to see how similar those two movies are.
Nick continues not to call. Me and Chris get bored and listen to our favorite tunes together.
Nick calls, says he won't stop by until early Monday morning.
Chris and Jeff have one final music party, Jeff eats a 2 pound bowl of spinach, then goes to sleep.
Jeff struggles to sleep, because of discomfort caused by IBS reacting to huge bowl of spinach.
Nick arrives, rings doorbell, just as I started to get a little sleep. Chris and Nick leave for Vermont.
I get up 30 minutes later, totally exhausted, with a full day ahead of me at the office. Uh oh.

And that was my weekend, with no hyperbole........I know what you're thinking, "Why did I even read this blog?"...OK, here's the deal -- forget my attempts to be funny, forget almost everything else, but remember one thing, and one thing only -- THE GHOSTS OF PASHA ARE PLAYING AT DON HILLS, IN NYC, THIS SATURDAY, AND IT WILL BE TAPED, AND ON SHOWTIME!

Any questions??

If Only I Could Meet Women During Microsoft Access Training Classes.....shame shame shame

2005-03-17T18:38:00.001-08:00

Hola Hello Howdy!

First off, a couple of announcements:

(1: Regarding my snail mail package to you Butterscotch: It did NOT come with pictures...I wrote the typed letter to you, but during the next week, I fiddled and faltered when it came to adding other package ingredients and sending out the package to begin with....plus, I was too busy trying to come up incredibly weak and ramshackle excuses to tell you if you asked why I didn't send the package sooner (and the best I came up with was that the weather was really cold, thereby preventing me from sending the package....(commence endless Jeff derision until the end of time start-inggggg..........NOW!!) So in short, ME FORGOT..:-)...I'm sorry -- I'll send pictures in my next snail mail package...along other, more lurid items associated with my life, including my nude Vaudeville photo collection of Einstein and my Illuminati Dark Master robe..

(2: Be sure to read Brooke's Mind Pit blog entry right below mine -- (Actually, I just finished my blog and am inserting this sentence -- as soon as I published this originally, I noticed the "Eh" entry.....Besides, my blog needs comments anyway I can get them...my new method will be to feed off the popularity of others by giving them administrative access to my blog...LOL)

Wow, so today, I had a blast! What was I doing, you ask? What clever schemes did I hatch? What scurrilous, underhanded activities did I engage in, unbeknownst to local or federal law enforcement??

*****************************************************************************
- Nope, I wasn't at work typing my life away....and later at home drinking my life away...

- Nope, I wasn't operating a counterfeit shoddy blue jeans ring from my garage (OK, so I stole this idea from the Simpsons -- who hasn't? I'm allowed 3 per week..)

- ....No! No!....I wasn't doing...THAT!!!!.....uggggghhhh.....I already have a regular schedule, thank you. [hmph!]
*****************************************************************************

No, what I did today was attend a Microsoft Access 2002 Training Class in CompUSA...Now, I'm not sure how pathetic the following statement is, but it is absolutely true: Today was some of the most fun I've had, EVER!!

OK, what in God's name are you talking about Jeff? I believe it's time for your 10:00PM subcutaneous injection...

Perhaps it is time....ahhhh....there it is.........!! Ummm yeah!...But CompUSA...I had a blast, not really learning -- I already knew about 98% of the material taught in that class (hey if the company wants to pay for me to take classes that won't really help me become more efficient at work, so be it...Today was basically a holiday for me :-)) ..But I had a blast just chatting up a storm with my instructor.

We talked about EVERYTHING, and had such fun simultaneously! It turned out that we had all sorts of interests in common -- Jeopardy!, an obsession with Ken Jennings, reading and watching sci-fi (including the Dune books), a dislike for the business practices of gigantic corporations, and various stories about some customers' technological follies (not that I am a master techie by any means -- but still, when techie people get together, they like to talk about particularly nasty and abusive customers who are completely incompetent when using a computer. Well, I don't know about anyone else, but I don't (or at least I try not to) make fun of the tech follies of the sweet, nice customers -- they're as rare as dodo eggs, and deserve to be treasured) ...

Before I continue, let me say that there was no romantic possibility, being that my instructor was 48 and married, I believe. Nonetheless, we got along so incredibly well together -- it was A+ conversational material, without a doubt.

So why am I making such a fuss about this conversation? Because this is not the first Microsoft Access Training Class I've had. I had one back in the summer of 2000, when I was an intern at Merck. And in THIS training class, my instructor was a very cute 24 year old girl wearing a short skirt, and sporting a fantastic set of legs......And this training session was EERILY similar to the one I had today -- we had this incredible 2 day conversation, where our jokes were perfectly timed and in-sync, my bizarre and illogical tangents relating to my favorite Dr. Who episodes were held under control, and we both shamelessly flirted with each other the whole time!....It was awesome!!!

Of course, being the incredibly shy and code-crazy Web guy that I was back then, I didn't talk to her again -- even though she told me to give her a call........Arggghhh..yet another lost opportunity....But the point is, I believe that there is something going on with Microsoft Access Training Classes that is irrepressibly SEXY...

Yes...you heard me right.....I truly believe this...What could it be??? What exactly is it about Microsoft Access training that makes it such a perfect aphrodisiac??

--Perhaps it's all of the subliminally lascivious terminology associated with tabular relationships, like the "one-to-one" relationship, or even better, the "one-to-many" relationship..

--Perhaps it's the fact that the program has so many weird quirks and shockingly useless parts (as in anything associated with "Reports"....Why??) that it allows for high levels of humor, thereby inducing male-female bonding..

--Perhaps it's simply because the program is so unbelievably boring that a sexual desire is fostered as a symbiotic means to stave off brain death...

In any case, I've noticed that these training classes CAUSE SPARKS!! And thus, I can't wait for my next class, on April 13!...Woohoo! Maybe third time's the charm!

My Brother Dave

2005-03-16T20:27:00.000-08:00

This is not a blog...It is a statement:

My Brother Dave is Awesome!!!

Whenever I'm feeling down or discouraged, whether it's personal problems, my IBS, or more bullshit at work, he's ALWAYS there for me....It's unbelievable, since he has to deal with so much more crap than I do on a daily basis....He's amazing, and I'm lucky to be his younger brother...

Dave is irreplaceable. That's all there is to it.

Corporate Computer Craziness Creates Caustic Commotion -- FOR MOI!

2005-03-15T17:24:00.000-08:00

Uggggghhhh...no pre-programmed 'hola!' today folks....although I'm feeling galvanized and upbeat~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~! (~! symbolizes being galvanized and upbeat -- as opposed to ^%^%^%^%^%^%^%^: which means -- Although I have the ability to enjoy an occasional cup of camomil tea, I prefer to abstain, since it tends to taste a bit too flowery for me..)

...You know what would be nice? How about a boring, normal, comatose day where virtually nothing noteworthy or the least bit significant occurs??..Ahhh yes.............ahhhhh..................

I figure that the law of averages will allow me to experience one of these alleged days, glorified and passed down through the generations in song and dance.....Today was perhaps the most insane work day I have ever experienced...

So what happened? Another fight with an angry co-worker? Or how about another run-in with the boss? Maybe an errant, flailing electrical wire electrocuted me, but unexpectedly produced a side effect in which I never, ever feel cold again (that was a real story, BTW: A man who got struck by lightning survived and found that he never felt cold, even when walking bare foot in the snow with Bermuda shorts on a 0 degree day)

Nope, none of those...This time, humans were not my problem -- machines and technology played the role of the evil villain -- and ironically enough, at times they seemed more human than most human villains I have ever encountered...

OK, what the hell am I talking about?

All right, here's the first incident: I'm editing a page on our Web site called the Attorney Directory.....This page gets more hits than any other page on our site and consequently is thought to generate the most interest among our Web users.

Now, I'm just editing a small bit of text, I think it was "Unemployment Compensation Appeals " (this post will contain technical details -- and that is partially the point -- to show the insane nature of my job on days like these). I am using a program called "Core FTP Lite" to do the edit...I save the page, and all of a sudden, in the program's log file, I see an error message, in bright red letters that says the following:

Error 423: Server Write Stream Error

OK, even if you don't know anything about computers, I believe you would agree that this looks REAL bad....So I decide to load the page in Internet Explorer to see if there was a problem in saving the file....

...and I get a blank screen......OK then..

So then I figure -- OK, perhaps the backend cache for our Web site hasn't refreshed -- it often takes multiple re-loads and at most, 15 minutes for a change to be reflected in the live site. So I tried re-loading a few more times.....

...and I get a blank screen......All righty then..

So then I figure -- Hmm.....maybe I should check out the code for the Attorney Directory page and see what's going on......So I open the file in Core FTP Lite.....

....and I get a blank file........Holy shit, I'm in trouble...

....I panicked for about a minute or so...How could this have happened? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! I was just editing 3 words of text in this file, I save it, and the whole file disappears? What the hell is that?

It gets weirder....Luckily, I still had an IE window open containing a loaded cached copy of the Attorney Directory, so I saved the Web page as an HTML document. I figured that I could just use this saved copy of the file to replace the deleted Attorney Directory page, even though I didn't know how the heck it got erased in the first place....So I try to transfer the file to the server side...

......and I get an error that says "Transfer aborted; Connection closed"

I tried this countless times, and each time, I got the same exact error message! I tried creating the same file with different names (I came up with at least 20 alternative names -- there's a logical reason for this, but it's just too damn long and boring to go into, like this blog :-))....Same thing!..It was almost as if the Internet became a living entity whose sole purpose was to end my employment TODAY....At this point, I was dumbfounded, stupified, stultified, agape, maddened, mad, and madmadmadmadmad, and was living in a mad, mad, mad, mad world. I asked myself:

What the hell is going on?

I was able to come up with a temporary solution when I successfully moved the Web page to my own personal Web space and linked to it from the company Web site...But I knew it was a matter of time before someone looked at the Attorney Directory URL and noticed that it was: http://www.jpartyka.com/attDirectory.htm.....

Based on this URL, a Web user might have suspected that I rose very quickly within the ranks of the company -- at the same time, if any of my impatient bosses noticed what was happening, I might have been EJECTED from the ranks of my company, before I even got a chance to explain that I was only trying to do good and save the Web site, rather than sabotage the Web site or cause ignorant logical destruction.

I tried calling the company that maintains the server (Saxotech) to see if there were having any problems....No one responded for hours to my calls --- and yes, this is typical of the level of tech support that I get from this company, and for which our company shells out thousands of dollars per year for.....

And the best part is, today is my busiest day of the week, where I have to prepare 4 newsletters, solve various technical issues associated with our FAX and email services, and cut into an Alaskan permafrost-like backlog of work from every department. ayayayayayaya!!!! (that's my new "Jeff is stressed out dude!" primal yell)....I dunno....I didn't even have 5 seconds for fun today -- until maybe 4:50PM, quittin' time...

So for the 1 millionth time in my life, it was all up to me -- I won a prize, a Vermont Teddy Bear (I won the discontinued "Crazy" Bear, now an underground cult item found in the darkest and most suspicious corners of eBay).....I ditched Core FTP Lite and downloaded another FTP client, Cute FTP (even though I had to put up some money to buy it), and I tried to once again overwrite the blank, corrupted Attorney Directory file...This time, it worked!..Woohoo!...

Now, I was thinking that perhaps CoreFTP lite was to blame....but then I get a call from Saxotech support explaining that they had some difficulties with their servers, and these 'difficulties' may have been to blame....So as of now, I'm not entirely sure why the Attorney Directory was deleted this morning -- was it CoreFTP Lite, or was it a malicious server command???

These kinds of questions, insignficant and trivial to the outsider, vex the computer guy/gal to no end. TO NO END, I TELLS YA!.....

The odds of hard disk memory error is literally one in several billion....SO OF COURSE, after a couple of extremely unsettling professional confrontations, when I most need to show that I am a very productive worker who gets things done, the most important page on the entire Web site is mysteriously deleted. And if I was asked why, I wouldn't be able to say for certain.

And unrelated to this situation was another EXTREMELY BIZARRE technical problem....For no apparent reason, when editing a file in CuteFTP (the good FTP program), I was unable to type out a capital letter T.....

And that's it....That was the whole problem...I swear......

Why was this a problem?? Because on the 4 newsletters I had to prepare, I needed to type about 50 capital T's....So I had to copy and paste capital T's from other files into this one....It took about an hour to do this.......And no, SHIFT+T is NOT keyboard shortcut in CuteFTP, I checked.....So once again, I asked myself:

What the hell is going on?

These are the typical horror stories of a Web guy, involving convoluted technological knots, inexplicable errors, disasterous consequences, hopelessly confused looks from outsiders who you try unsuccessfully to relate to your problems, endless paranoia, and a solution to it all which makes you realize that:

(1: You've learned NOTHING from the experience, other than the fragility of your career.

(2: Despite averting disaster and saving thousands for the company, you will NEVER get any credit for it, because you have NOTHING to show for it.

(3: You should have majored in Geology in college for maximum adult relaxation time.

(4: Because you will always be at the mercy of technology, a situation like this WILL happen again...guaranteed...

Uggggghhhh.....................OK, repeat after me: the law of averages states that my boring day is coming........the law of averages states that my boring day is coming...................etc...

Updates, Factoids, Assorted Nonsense -- Tomorrow, I will discuss why I no longer attend church!

2005-03-14T10:07:00.000-08:00

Hola!

This weekend, while decently high in regards to the fun factor, did NOT possess a theme!

Nope, it wasn't the "Unexpected Taco Party" weekend.

Nope, it wasn't the "West Side Story Sassafrass Diarama Symposium" weekend.

Nope, it wasn't the "IEEE-Sponsored Deviant Electrical Engineers and Unorthodox Computer Architecture" weekend.

It wasn't even a boring weekend!...It was just.......a weekend....and it was fun...!!!

Wow, what's happened to my vivacious, bursty, kaleidoscopic personality? I used to have good ideas maaan!...But now, the wintry monotony of Central NJ has finally penetrated the core of my brain and ingenuity, rendering it almost normal...ugghh! I HATE that word..

So what I'll do is provide a snapshot of my life, at this exact moment in time. I'll describe the kinds of things I am doing, my goals at the moment, my annoyances, my hopes in the next month, and some of my most recent accomplishments...

(1:

Every day, I try to learn about one or two new topics (or more, if I feel like it), and I store this information in a file on my computer called "New Knowledge". I am doing this for 2 reasons: (1: To challenge myself, since I find that in my recent life, I find challenges are lacking (2: I am preparing to make an appearance on Jeopardy! in the future, sometime in my early 30's. No, I will never be like a Ken Jennings, because that is impossible. But I do hope to know enough to at least win a game or two.....Yesterday, I learned about Sinn Fein, a political organization associated with the IRA..

(2:

I have created an Internet Radio Station that broadcasts directly from my home computer. Since I possess nearly 8000 mp3s (that's almost 40 GB of music) one would think I could play just about anything -- but there's a little something called copyright infringement, and if I REALLY wanted to become a full-fledged Internet Radio Station, I would need some money, a lot more CD's, and legal counsel...Oh welll.....But you can hear my brother's band, The Ghosts of Pasha, on my radio station...Here's what you do:

(a: Go to http://www.shoutcast.com

(b: You will see a list of radio stations using the Shoutcast Server (like mine does!).....you will also see a little search field...type in "Sayreville"

(c: My radio station will pop up, since it's called "The Sayreville Post-Indie Underground"...a perfect gratuitous art-house name, don't you think? Anyway, I'm not on that often -- I'm usually on Mondays between 7:00 - 9:30PM EST only, but I am still in the experiemental phases with this, and I am attempting to incorporate the microphone into this, so that I could actually do a radio program, with me yapping on intermittently between the music.

(3: I miss KFC so much! I can't eat any of their chicken, since it would induce horrible intestinal pain for hours. But I still go there for their creamy mashed potatoes, and delicious, delicious corn!...MMMMM...it's so sweet and soft........but then I smell the chicken -- ALL THE CHICKEN - the BBQ wings, the crispy chicken strips, the chicken sandwiches, the legs, the thigs, the breasts, the white meat, the dark meat, the popcorn chicken, their sauces -- OK, if I continue, I may resort to cutting my arm with a knife as a form of psychological relief. So...

(4: I had my FantasyBaseball Draft this past Saturday -- I already had an amazing pitching staff (I have the three top-rated pitchers in the entire Major Leagues, and this has never happened in the 30-year history of the fantasy league), but now, after landing a couple more fantastic pitchers, my team is officially unfair...I am going to win a mind-blowing number of games - I may win 120 games..I'm excited! hee hee..

(5: My parents are developing expert-level abilities when it comes to disrupting my favorite TV shows...Look, I only watch 4 shows on a semi-regular basis: (1: The Amazing Race (2: Lost (3: Boston Legal (4: The McLaughlin Group....but it seems that it is during these specific time slots, totalling 3 and a half hours, that my parents' lives become unquestionably more exciting than Michael Jackson's....Actually, when commercials are showing, their lives are once again low-key and light on activity...But at the exact instances my shows start --

"Jeff! Do you want 2 pork chops? You only had one earlier today."

"So Jeff.....let me tell you about the importance of opening up a Roth IRA account"

"Consumer reports came out today with the 10 most well-protected cars for accidents...They are:"

"Yeah....so Uncle Frank.....no....wait..........Yeah! It was Uncle Frank!....Wasn't it????....No...Well, he used to live in Colonia, and.......wait......................something's telling me that it's not Uncle Frank.......was it Uncle Stevie???????..........................What?? Stevie's the one who severed his big toe in the tractor accident??.......No! No!...That wasn't Stevie!......That was my cousin Mark!....yeah! the one who thought he was crazy, so he checked into a mental hospital, but left the next day because that 450 lb man was giving him the eye the whole night....Yeah! That was Mark!.....Stevie was....."

....yep........that's really not that much different from the average conversation that takes place while I'm watching my favorite shows.......eerrrrrmmmmmmm..eerrrgegeeegegegeeerrggg

till tomorrow!

And now...THE GRAND FINALE of Horrible Jeff Pictures Week

2005-03-11T12:31:00.000-08:00

OK.....so you've seen me at my worst this week, in a nightmarish montage of silver, black and bromide...

Now, you will see what is perhaps my ABSOLUTE WORST picture in my entire arsenal!..In fact, this picture was SO BAD -- SO GHOULISH -- SO TRAUMATIZING -- that I had successfully repressed it permanently from my mind. I had become my very own Manchurian Candidate...

--Until yesterday, that is!....As I flipped through my frighteningly obese photo album, I realized that while I have many pictures that are indeed worthy candidates for a Wednesday or even a Thursday, none truly had "IT", that special, uniquely penetrating quality worthy of a finale, that would make indiscriminate strangers with no connection to me whatsoever CRINGE in sympathy and pulsating chest pain...

And then I took out my college yearbook...It is often said that smell is the sense tied most closely to memory...Well, it's true, because as soon as I opened my senior class yearbook and took a whiff of the semi-stale paper, the picture I deem simply as "The One" SCRREEEEEEAAAAAMMMMMEEEEEEDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! into my brain..

I may never forget it again.

OK, the story...Now, I was a senior in college during the spring semester. At this point, I had made the decision to graduate not that spring, but the subsequent fall, as I would be a 5th year senior for one semester. So I didn't quite think of my senior class as those that were the same age as me -- those that were one year younger than me were my classmates, in my mind.

So this particular spring semester, I was INSANELY BUSY...Without hyperbole, I would estimate that I spent about 16 hours a day in the computer lab working on multiple giga-projects for my classes. I would also say that I spent about 2/3 of my time in April in the Holman Hall computer lab. So with this busy a schedule, I had a tendency to forget about the rest of my life, even down to basic hygiene, such as showering, for instance...

Now, senior pictures took place during April, and of course, I completely forgot about it -- that is, until about 20 minutes before my allotted time slot came up. At this point, I hadn't showered in nearly 3 days, and I smelled really, really bad. When I remembered the pictures, I RAN back to my car to wear something "nice" for Mom to see.

This turned out to be a unwashed wrinkled buttoned shirt.

When I finally made it to the picture room, I had about 3 minutes to fix my hair, which I promptly did by soaking my hair in a ferocious stream of cold faucet water. Not having a comb at my disposal, I used "nature' comb": my right hand, and sorta threw my hair all to one side.

With precious few seconds to spare, I ran towards the photo room, and just as I got there, I heard the man come out from the black backdrop and say, "Jeff Partyka?"...I'm most proud of the fact that I was able to run from the computer lab, to my car, change, then run to a building situated far away from both the lab and my car in about 20 minutes.

Any pride that might be generated from that moment, however, was wiped away in a SEA OF SLIME....This is the picture that appears in my college senior yearbook....As one looks at picture after picture of touched up beauty and cleanliness, the picture below stands out like a sore thumb:

Horrible Jeff Pictures Week Continues!

2005-03-10T18:05:00.000-08:00

...And you THINK you've seen the worst of it, have you?

...And you THINK you've experienced all corners of the vast spectrum of Jeff's "Anti-National Geographic Magazine Cover"-style pictures?

...And you THINK you've witnessed the gamut of Jeff's astonishing array of atrocious haircuts though the years?

WELL THINK AGAIN!!!

I have many, many, MANY, MANY!!,.........many(whimper)...more horrific pictures of myself to share with the world. Since Brooke will jab my eye out tomorrow using her hundreds of Snapple bottles all melted together to form a gigantic Pinocchio (alternatively, she could purchase 'Diet Lime Green Tea' Snapple and cram it down my throat -- it would produce the same effect, with me perishing and all....yyyyyyaah!) for my 2nd unjustified insult of the week against her (just a few minutes ago), I figured that I should post the GOOD stuff...heh heh...

(Another aside: I just typed 'Worst snapple flavors' into Yahoo!, and I actually got several Web sites deemed 'Beverage review Web sites'...they're quite detailed too!! -- you can tell that one of the many Snapple addicts in the world built this Web site with punctilious care and exacting detail...Here's one of those sites:

http://www.thebevnet.com/reviews/snapple/
)

Anyway, the picture...Now this picture is actually my High School Senior yearbook picture for being in the top 10 of my graduating class. (I was #6 of 293 hee hee! I would have been #1 if I became the homicidal maniac I was SUPPOSED TO BE!......[insecure genius Jeff says: I knew it all! I KNEW MORE THAN THEM! I KNEW MORE THAN ALL OF THOSE INSIGNIFICANT LILLIPUTIANS!! 'Tis a shame to live as an insignificant paramecium, eternally struggling through petty human emotions.. Oh well, back to studying for me -- EXCELSIOR![/insecure genius Jeff]....)..................................................
...................................as Butterscotch once said after a ridiculous Wednesday night character blog: "There are no words".

Anyway, the top 10 students, including good ol' me, were invited to the school library...This one jock/future fratboy kid, named Matt, who of course was popular with the booksmart, beautiful, but painfully guileless girls that dotted the top 10, made the pretensious and gratuitously opulent decision to wear a suit and tie for these pictures. So of course, nearly everyone else followed his lead and wore their own overpriced clothes for these pictures -- so that they could be Matt's buddies, or be more popular, or reduce their weekly beating number, or what have you....

Except for me, of course!....As usual, I chose to go against the grain, 'cause dat's what I do folks! Otherwise, I woulda became an 1-D IT consultant working at Pfizer, discussing internal technology implementation strategies with other dull, bald 45 year olds who wasted their mental gifts years ago...

So for this picture, I just wore some whatever shirt, while advancing an avant-garde motif, which I chose to express by holding up an LBJ-era library book about weightlifting, called "Ironman" (which happened to sit in-between the only other books in the library -- those NOT funded by the state: on the left was "Steal This Book", and on the right was "The Satanic Verses")

Also, I had a nasty acne problem, and failed to shower that morning. Lastly, for no apparent reason my skin took on an strong orange color:

[

Horrible Jeff Pictures Week: Wednesday

2005-03-09T09:50:00.000-08:00

Howdy!

OK, in deciding the raucously hysterical and ghastly picture that I was going to post today, I came across 2 finalists. And for about an hour yesterday, on and off, while watching one of my most cherished, loved shows: The Amazing Race, I tried to choose one over the other..

But alas, I could not make a decision. So I have decided to post BOTH today, as a free bonus, courtesy of yours truly. OK, there, I've done my one selfless deed of the week, and I've done my one unprovoked insult of the week (when I asked if Brooke would take up Canasta, upon seeing her new glasses).....

As an aside: This 'One Totally Unjustified Insult of the Week Program' has been very, very benefical for me psychologically. I find that by releasing my masculine aggression in minute, but controlled doses, I tend to enjoy a more pristine and optimistic average quality of life, AS WELL AS slaying my geeky demons from my high school years...ahhhhhhh..

....Oh yes! So anyway, here are the pictures.......Now the first one I am posting ESPECIALLY for Butterscotch and her OVERPOWERING need to know if I have ever smiled while showing my teeth....This picture is my VERY first attempt at doing this, back when I was in 9th grade, I believe. You see, I realized this fact myself, and I made a bold decision to CHANGE MY SMILE. (Back in middle-high school days, a decision to change one's smile is HUGE!, bordering on life changing) .....However, I didn't look quite the way I wanted to, and I end up displaying something resembling softened maniacal laughter.

The second picture I honestly don't even remember...But I look like I am in 6th grade or so, and for no apparent reason, I am standing on the arms of a couch, with this putrid facial expression. I don't know what was going on, or what I was trying to do...but it is such a horrendous look that I just HAD to post it.

Enjoy!

Onward With Horrible Jeff Pictures Week!: Day 2

2005-03-08T09:42:00.000-08:00

Hola!!

Welcome to:

Horrible Jeff Pictures Week, Day 2!!

Now today's picture is very, very special to me, as it holds a very poignant and dear place in my heart...Why? Well, for a couple of reasons; First, this is a Christmas picture from 2 years ago that my Mom cherishes very much, and is attempting to place into our grossly obese Family Album.

Second, and more importantly, this is the only picture on record where I DON'T possess a tragically chicken-like frame. The amazing thing is that I was trying to pose in my very best "Jeff is a good son, and I love my Mom very much" stance. However, I knew that I BADLY missed the mark when my brother Chris took a brief glance at the picture and said:

"Jeff, man, you're so New York Hardcore dude!"

I literally look like a reformed NYC gang member that has shed the tattoos and heroin habits of my former brutally uncompromising street life, and am trying to live the best way I can.

So without further delay, here it is: My 2nd ABSOLUTELY HORRENDOUS picture of the week:

Celebrate Horrible Jeff Pictures Week!

2005-03-07T09:47:00.000-08:00

Hola! This week, I have decided to adopt a theme, partly due to promises made to Brooke and Lynn about some amazingly bad (but funny) pictures I wanted to show them, partly due to my own laziness, and partly due to the realization I made this weekend that I photograph TERRIBLY!.....but always in a laughably hilarious way..

So our first picture this week was taken when I was in 5th grade. It's a class picture that I still remember vividly -- It is evident that my signature wackiness was already taking form. Right before the photograph was shot, I recall saying to myself, "Oh man, another boring class picture, and EVERYONE'S GONNA BE SMILING, AND BLAH BLAH BLAH, AND YADA YADA YADA..ETC....[yawn]" So about a half-second before the photo was shot, I decided right on the spot, "Yeah! Let's do something different! Let's spice things up a bit!"....

And the picture below is the result -- So where am I??....You'll know it when you see it...lol..:

Ghosts of Pasha Article

2005-03-04T17:38:00.000-08:00

Here is a copy of a music review newpaper article of the Ghosts of Pasha's self-titled EP..I don't know the paper it's from: it's probably a Vermont paper, possibly Burlington's newspaper.

You may not know about a lot of the bands the article mentions, but it doesn't matter..What matters is that the reviewer really liked it! Anyway, without further delay:

Dingy Trouble

2005-03-04T11:17:00.000-08:00

...................Yep..............now THERE'S a title that will make you forget about Wednesday night's animalistic tirade....

OK, Brooke talked about peeing on her leg while missing the toilet entirely (in a punchy mood), and this inspired me to blog about my current problem using the urinal.

I call this problem:

The Post-Piss Leg Trickle

The following is the conventional, tried and tested 6 step process for executing a successful linear urination procedure. During the description of this process, I will mention where I may be having my problems, and why:

(1: A Complete and Thorough Unzipping or Unbuttoning of the Pants

Although overlooked, half the battle is providing enough breathing and targeting room for your dingy to unload the cargo.

(2: Coarse and Fine Adjustment Dingy Targeting

Next, the dingy must be properly positioned using a 2 part strategy: The first part, called the coarse adjustment phase, involves clasping the dingy and directing it AWAY from the waist at a 180 degree angle. Overcoming Dingy-waist fusion may be required. The second part, called the fine adjustment phase, involves finessing and nudging the dingy's targeting towards the correct downward angle, most likely between 220 and 230 degrees.

(3: Preparations For Unloading the Cargo

This may be the most difficult phase of the process to complete, especially when at a urinal, and the force of gravity isn't really on your side. Also inexorably tied in with this phase is a mental aspect that wills you to bring the cargo to the foot of the dock. Mastering this mental phase is the key to urinal success. Don't be fooled: there are MANY men who have NOT mastered the mental phase, and they often have difficulty bring the cargo to the foot of the dock when faced with an obstacle, such as a crowd of people or claustrophobic conditions in general.

(4: Unloading the Cargo

This is the easiest and most enjoyable phase of the process by far. When reaching this phase, you know you have conquered the mental aspect, and now you can literally FEEL the reward. I would describe it as a warm, fuzzy feeling...But don't get cocky:....(lol)........be sure to direct ALL of the cargo to the proper storage rooms.

(5: The Final Packages

Here's another tricky step. If it is not executed properly and thoroughly, it can lead to post-piss leg trickle, which I experience from time to time at Phase 6. Proper execution of this phase requires following this 3 step sub-procedure:

(a: Ensuring Proper Vertical Drip Positioning (VDP): Since the last of the cargo to be delivered must be delivered to a specific storage area (since all of the rest of the space has been taken), direct vertical drip ensues, and targeting no longer becomes necessary. The dingy must be positioned forward using broad adjustment mechanisms to compensate, lest you lose some of the cargo.

(b: The Final Set of Boxes...This last set of boxes tends to come as 1 package. Also, it cannot be 'pushed' into the storage area, but 'pulled' in....

(c: The Final Run-ThroughError is always possible, and as a result, one or more scattered boxes may still remain undelivered. NOT DELIVERING THESE BOXES RESULTS IN POST-PISS TRICKLE. If any of the cargo is found, it must be manually transferred to the foot of the dock using pressure mechanisms....

(6: A Complete and Thorough Zipping Or Buttoning Back Up of the Pants

A mistake here, and you'll pay the price...But even if you successfully zip/button back up (which is just a reversal of the steps in phase 1 of this procedure) post-piss trickle can occur when the forgotten cargo from step 5 finds its way out, traveling down the leg. It is never that much, maybe a drop or two at the most, but it is still enough to feel. This, it needs to be snuffed out. How? Just press it against your pants -- it never shows up in the pants as a wet stain, because the drop is too small.

......And that is how a guy successfully pees at a urinal.

Next week: Thumb Wrestling!

My Bullshit In The Workplace

2005-03-02T18:15:00.000-08:00

Hello!

I am about to break the rule that I set down yesterday, which was not to talk about why I get yelled at and humiliated yesterday at work for no good reason. However, after the way in which the fiasco was resolved, I got really, REALLY upset. So in an effort to achieve a kind of emotional catharsis, I am going to explain, in full detail, EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY AND TODAY, and why it is a

COMPLETE INJUSTICE

..

I was going to initially write a nasty blog where I would come up with all kinds of psychotic insults against the man who yelled at me, but on reflection, I have decided that (a: My health is my top priority, and due to IBS, any time I get excited or angry affects me for days. So I choose to get better and cast off IBS by dropping my anger (b: Fair play and good conduct towards others in public DOES matter and score a lot of points, especially in an office environment, so if I merely tell my story to others in the office (well, the RIGHT people, that is...I can't tell everyone), I will gain the required sympathy points that will gain me intraoffice respect. (c: In my heart, I feel that I am a good person, and I believe that I am above holding a long term grudge against someone for a single incident. (d: I wish to be a happy person.

So let me tell my story....I won't use real names, instead, I will use appropriate pseudonyms....
**************************************************************
- OK, using my Web skills, I am responsible for putting together 2 legal newsletters: (1: The NJL Insurance Law Newsletter (2: The NJL Municipal Law Newsletter

Now, I had a meeting 2 weeks ago involving myself, 'Look Who's Talking'(the man who screamed at me) and Mr. P. Another guy, Mr. F., was supposed to meet with his, but he didn't make it for reasons unknown..but he did show up at the end of it with a bag of celery sticks.....Anyway, we were discussing changes to be made to the newsletters, in particular, the introductory language that appears at the top of the newsletters. During the meeting, Mr. P. suggested that we remove this language. He said, "OK, so we're going to scrap this language, right?"....

NO ONE OBJECTED..I said, "fine.", since I am merely a webmaster with no legal background. 'Look Who's Talking' SHOOK HIS HEAD IN AGREEMENT....Remember this kiddies...

So this week, I am putting together these 2 newsletters, and I remember what was stated at the meeting. But I wanted to make sure, so I talked to Mr. P...I confirmed with him, "So we're going to get rid of the introductory language, right?"...he said, "yes"...

A few minutes later, Mr. F. shows up and tells me to add this other introductory language to the top of each newsletter. I tried to explain that we decided not to do that at the meeting, but he didn't understand me, so I just shook my head in agreement and didn't do as he said after leaving, because he was wrong, and because it would be quicker this way. I figured that if he had any questions afterward, I would explain everything....REMEMBER THIS EPISODE...IT'S THE FIRST OF SEVERAL CONFUSING EPISODES LEFT IN MY LAP, of course..

So after I finished the newsletters, I needed to get 'Look Who's Talking' to look over them to make sure that they were approved and fit to be sent out to our customers. I figured that I should remind him in my email to him that per the meeting, where WE ALL SHOOK OUR HEADS IN AGREEMENT, I removed the introductory language...

Now, I should also note that any changes I make as a web guy to a Wb page or a newsletter can EASILY be undone.....It'll literally take a few minutes to reverse a change....so it's like the furthest thing from being 'set in stone' as there is..

OK, so I sent "Look Who's Talking" the email....I go to the bathroom, come back, and as I am sitting down working, "Look Who's Talking" comes to my cube and starts ranting and raving in public view, in front of everyone, like a...umm....you know...LOL...and saying stuff like, "I DID NOT APPROVE THIS CHANGE!!"...I then told him that Mr. P. suggested this change, and he said, "WELL WHO ARE YOU GOING TO LISTEN TO, ME OR MR P.?"....He then screamed out to Mr. F., saying, "HERE HE IS, YOU WANT TO TALK TO HIM NOW, HE'S RIGHT HERE! GO AHEAD AND DO IT!!!"....

I go to talk to my boss...Now, he's a nice guy and a good boss to work for because he clearly doesn't give a shit what I do.....but in this particular situation, he didn't have a clue what was happening...I tried to explain myself, and that we ALL agreed on the change to the introductory language at a meeting a couple of weeks ago, but he told me to apologize to 'Look Who's Talking' and reverse all the changes.....REAL FAIR, HUH??

So I write this lengthy, effusive, maudlin email (but it's such bullshit; I was laughing sarcastically the whole time while writing it) to 'Look Who's Talking', and I had to essentially soothe his bottom by saying stuff like, "I didn't intend on encroaching or undermining your jurisdiction"...bureaucratic shit like that...I send him the email...

"Look Who's Talking' then sends me an email back, and it says:

"Jeff, it is no longer fruitful to discuss this with just you. I will discuss this with you and Mr.F. or you and our publisher" (the big boss)

So basically, he wants to get me in trouble because I am a deviant little child that MUST BE DISCIPLINED IMMEDIATELY!...Right then and there, I knew what kind of man I was dealing with: A man so sexually unsatisfied that his masturbation experiments now involve him jerking off into a shot glass while watching Nature specials on the Komodo Dragon, and adding the remaining ingredients necessary for a White Russian, of sorts, while repatching his hairpiece using loose clumps of hair from his golden retriever and his nursing home lover's vaginal area.

OK, that was my one insult I will allow myself for this man...onward:

I undo the changes within about 10 minutes, and he approves it in a reproachful way. For the rest of the day, I am attempting to explain myself to Mr. F. and Mr. P....Mr. P. understands what I am saying, Mr. F. sorta does....I didn't know exactly what happened, why "Look Who's Talking" got so angry about a change in the newsletters that we all agreed upon. In talking with Mr. F.,I SPECULATED that PERHAPS 'Look Who's Talking" misinterpreted what I meant by 'introductory language'....This was only a guess, NOT A STATEMENT!...remember this kiddies..

Later on in the day, I hear Mr. F. and 'Look Who's Talking' get into a shouting match...'Look Who's Talking' scampers away in childlike fashion....I hear at the end of the day that Mr. F. said that me and Mr. P. implied that the whole situation was 'Look Who's Talking's' fault....

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT????!!!!??? So I make a 5 second speculative guess starting with the word "Perhaps", and this gets turned into an affirmative declaration of blame?!! I don't play stupid games like that, I just want to do my work!!!!! For the love of God, give me a fucking break!!!

I don't know about any of you, but I think that is called 'twisting one's words'...

Now today, I hear that there's going to be a big "Meeting of the Minds"....I called it 'NJL Comedy and Variety Hour'.....but after waiting hour after hour after hour.....IT NEVER HAPPENED! Well, that's a good thing for 'Look Who's Talking' because I was ready to beat his ass to a pulp verbally beyond comprehension...You thought some people in 'The Apprentice' were tough? I WISH I could have shown what I would do in there....

I found out at about 2:15PM today in an email from Mr. P that "Everything has been resolved."...behind closed doors, away from me, of course..

And what was the cause of this problem? According to the email, "I, along with Mr. P., were confused on what happened at the meeting"..

YEP...YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT.....LET ME PUT IT IN THESE WORDS:

I GOT YELLED AT BECAUSE I COULDN'T READ SOMEONE'S MIND!

You see, even though I saw a head shaking indicating "Yes", that REALLY MEANT "No."......Obviously, my psychic abilities were NOT up to business standards during that meeting, so I had to take the blame for the whole situation...

Additionally, because I am suffering from IBS, anytime I get excited or angry, it takes it toll on me physically..Today, I felt exhausted and just weak, so I had to leave early from work and rest up..If past episodes are any indicators, I will probably feel this way until about Saturday..

So what did this episode teach me? Well, maybe a lot of things.....

--Maybe it's that I re-start my GRE studying...
--Maybe it's that I should learn to forgive and forget

--Maybe it's that I should build up my Web skills to the point where I get a new job.

--Maybe it's that bullshit happens to everyone, I need to deal with it and move on...

Well, whatever came of this, I will do one thing differently from now on while I am at NJL: I will NOT look 'Look Who's Talking' in the eye UNLESS I AM PROFESSIONALLY OBLIGATED TO...ever...I am going to let him know, with scary amounts of passive aggression, how much I despise him. And it will be STRAIGHT FROM MY HEART.

....whew...this has been one hell of a blog, and I'm quite sure almost no one will read it, but this has been a cathartic experience...I feel so much better!......See you tomorrow in a much cheerier mood!

Getting Screamed At During Work As A Neglected Rite of Passage

2005-03-01T16:04:00.000-08:00

Hola!

So remember when I wrote those blogs where I was whining incessantly about how no one wants to do anything with me, and my friends have no energy, and my life is boring, and..yada yada yada, and [insert excessively whiny face here]?

Well, today, some unexpected drama has entered my life --

I got yelled at for a very stupid and almost entirely unjustifiable reason at work today!

My life isn't dreadfully boring today, and it likely won't be tomorrow either! Woohoo!!

Now, I will not discuss the incident any further, since I have heard stories about people who write blogs actually getting fired over mocking other co-workers or their workplace, no matter how justified they might have been. For my own protection, I am installing a gag order on myself...But for your own knowledge, know that this incident pretty much has NOTHING to do with me at all.

But for me, the important part happened DURING the hellacious infant screaming hurled in my direction!....

You see, in the past, I was a very pliable, submissive, timid, and scared kid who would crumble during even the slightest hint of confrontation. For all of you who have read the book, "Watership Down", I played the role of Fiver, the rabbit constantly terrified and supernaturally aware of impending danger. Well, even if you HAVEN'T read the book, just know that I have always been the gazelle on the Serengetti plain amongst swarms of lions and hyenas.

And NOW!!!:...........I'm still fairly pliable -- I've even talked with Lynn and Brooke about implanting a chip inside of me that will force me to respond to preprogrammed commands that allow them to get tasks done and to satisfy their entertainment whims...(At this point, the command list is as follows: (1: JEFF COME (2: JEFF WEB HELP (3: JEFF MANICURE (4: JEFF FUNNY STORY (I have enough memory for 2^8 funny stories, which comes out 256 comical anecdotes. (5: JEFF SIT (6:(and our newest addition) JEFF ASS SHAKE)).....j/k..LOL

But anyway, though I may still be pliable, today proved that I am no longer timid or scared, and not really that submissive anymore. All my life, I was intimidated by bigger kids, or more aggressive kids into doing whatever they wanted, or else, I GET MY ASS KICKED....But now, that's just not enough to scare me even a little. I say, "Fine, bring it on!"......During the shouting incident, though I was shocked for sure, since it was sprung upon me so suddenly, I wasn't intimidated in the slightest -- in fact, I had to contain my laughter, because the level of immaturity being exhibited by this older (actually..... let's drop the '-er', shall we?) man was thoroughly amusing. But the reason why I am not scared anymore is because I know that I am more mature than most men and freely eschew things like 'MY JURISDICTION', or 'MY POWER', or 'MY STATUS', and related nonsense.

Now tomorrow, apparently I am going to have some BIG, SPOOKY meeting with 3 other people, including 'The Big Scary Guy Who Yelled At Me' to 'discuss' what happened. Now, what is my biggest concern?

Is it getting yelled at again? Oh my goodness!....Actually, not by a long shot.

Is it getting in trouble?? Heck no, I already explained myself to everyone and apologized (unnecessarily, IMO) to BabyMan, so if he tries to get the whipper-snapper in trouble, he's in for a wee bit of a surprise...Heh heh..

Actually: My biggest concern is not bursting into laughter during the next toddler ranting by this man. Furthermore, I have to contain my silliness, which is my natural reaction these days whenever someone tries to intimidate me....I have to fight the will to respond to an insult with a 50's Brooklyn voice by saying, "Well!...Well!....You're just a big toe, aren't ya!..AREN'T YA!!!!! " or get up on the meeting table and start singing 'I'm Walking on Sunshine' while dazzling the rest of the 'audience' with fanciful yo-yo maneuvers and wearing a chain mail/cloak constructed entirely of colored ostrich egg shells, licorice, and space-station edition legos..

Well, if worse comes to worse, I'll fight my uncontrollable silliness with intense boredom...and how can I do that? Simple enough: I can actually pay attention at the meeting. 'Nuff said..

My brother Chris, of Ghosts of Pasha fame, once said something very insightful to me regarding incidents like the one I experienced today....He said:

"You have to get to the point where someone could yell at you until you're blue in the face, and you just don't care"

Today was about as close as I have ever come to that...Perhaps I will achieve this goal tomorrow, with any luck!...I say, BRING IT ON!!

The 1st Annual Bizarr-oscars Awards

2005-02-28T16:04:00.000-08:00

Aloha!

Well, before I set off on my psychadelic blog sojourn into a netherworld of hopeless silliness, I do have 2 quick comments to make:

First, ANOTHER SNOWSTORM!?? Arrggh!!!.....Tomorrow is March 1, and there are about 5-6 inches of snow on the ground, with little sign of letting up.....So what is my point?? arggghh!!!!!
Winter sucketh! Spring must cometh!

Second, I would like to quite randomly state that I LOVE Japanese culture -- in my opinion, it is decades ahead of American culture in regards to intelligent pop trends and just good plain ol' wackiness. Check this out: it's about this actor who played a serious role as a samurai for 30 years suddenly causing quite a stir in Japan because he now dances the samba and is known as the Samba Samurai....Wh..Wha...What???...LOL:

Clickhere to Read Samurai Samba Story!

OK, now on to my blog...As you all know, last night was the Academy Awards. This brings out the usual suspects -- beautiful actresses wearing exorbitantly priced dresses (what I want to know is: How many more movies involving Halle Berry will contain a line glorifying her unsurpassable beauty and Goddess-like features? I believe the current number is at 6, and her contract states that this is to continue for at least her next 2 movies..), suave, urbane actors looking intelligent and hip all at once, a forced Mike Meyers comedy bit accompanied by forced laughter, and, most conspicuously of all,

THE SAME 5 MOVIES APPEARING OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN NEARLY EVERY CATEGORY

For this reason, shows such as these, while glamorous and easy on the eyes, are often predictable and do not show anything close to the true scope and breadth of Hollywood movies released in a given year. Additionally, other facets of moviemaking that often generate less fanfare are overlooked, as they regularly do not even have a category made for them at a ceremony like the Oscars...

Which is why tonight, I want to focus on these less heralded categories in a ceremony called "The 1st Annual Bizarr-oscars Awards!"

Let's get started!!!

Our first category is for:

Best Supporting Lemur

The nominees are.....

Sideways:

Million Dollar Baby:

The Aviator:

And the oscar goes to.......You Decide!
_____________________________________________________________

Our second and last category for today is for:

Best Adapted Subliminal Vin Diesel Appearance

The nominees are.....

Sideways: (Frames # 236454-236461)

Million Dollar Baby: (Frames # 400123-400130)

Vera Drake: (Frames # 78903-78906)

And the oscar goes to.......You Decide!

The New Jersey Lawyer Sticker Project (NJLSP)

2005-02-27T19:19:00.000-08:00

Hola!

I just wanted to let you know about my newest endeavor: the creation of a series of stickers displaying the major playaz at NJL and the blogger community! I've already found a Web site that creates the sticker given a design (which I am working on :-)), and I have the pictures below...

Now all I need is a title for each sticker and a signature quote that defines the picture from each subject..

The playaz are as follows:

(1: 'Lynn':

(2: 'Babs':

(3: 'Brooke':

(4: 'Jeff':

Well, I know what my title and quote will be:

Title: "My Makeout Face -- In The Red States"

Quote: "Look hun! No mutt-snot on my tongue...now gimme yo grits and lets have oursels a hunk'o kids!"

My psychotic 6th grade art teacher Mr. Wallace - "The Second Story"

2005-02-25T09:13:00.000-08:00

Hola!

Over the past few days, partly due to conversations with Brooke, partly due to my own pop-rox-in-fizzy-soda brain, and partly due to my correspondence with Butterscotch via my wacky inaugural pen-pal letter, I thought I would tell another story about my legendary psychotic Vietnam-Vet 6th grade art teacher known as:

Mr. Wallace

OK, now this particular anecdote does NOT involve me; it involves my brother Dave and the troublemaker in his class named "Richard Chaplinksy"..

Now Richard Chaplinsky was your classic rabblerousing 6th grade terror --

I'm talkin' throwing paper, scissors, objects, glue, rulers, crayons, and markers at people.

I'm talkin' random interjections and shouting of typical astonishingly immature and stupidly funny 6th grade phrases like, "Holy tacos Batman!! POW!!!!!!" etc....

I'm talkin' snatching at girls' legs, shooting wasps (rubber bands with a pointed piece of paper in the shape of a bug) -- at people's legs (BTW, getting struck with a wasp REALLY hurts --

[Southern Jeff]I say! I say! I had a bruise on my knee the size of General Sherman's Cornish Gamehen on the Fourth of July!!!Yeeee haawww!!!![/Southern Jeff])

Anyway, as you might guess, Ricky's antics were not appreciated by the death-hardened, and possibly tortured Mr. Wallace.........

No.....they certainly weren't..........Oh my God, no!.....

So here's the story: One day, in my brother Dave's 6th grade art class, Ricky was being his usual tantalizing self, grabbing girls' legs, screaming randomly, crawling and throwing and pillaging and destroying....Now, in the past, Mr. Wallace had screamed at Ricky at the top of his lungs using his most raspy drill sergeant tone, he threatened to expel him, he threatened to "educate" him...

In fact, during one particular clambering episode a couple months previous, Mr. Wallace took a stack of about 10 plastic and metal chairs and shoved the entire stack at about 50 m.p.h. (as estimated by Dave) right at Richard, but only when he was out in the open away from innocent civilians/students. The stack of chairs came blazing at Ricky like a off-track hurtling freight train carrying explosives and caustic chemicals....AND THE ENTIRE STACK NAILED RICHARD!...He was sent flying back about 3 feet, he crashed on the crowd, and THEN!.....there was a brief pause of about 3 seconds..

Afterwards, he silently wimpered, while laying physically mangled.

But THAT was then, this is now!...Anyway, even after that incident, Richard Chaplinsky continued his disruptive tactics. So FINALLY, Mr. Wallace decided to give him his "final" lesson...He went up to Richard, grabbed his shirt, picked him up from under the table with one arm, and dragged him across the floor towards the classroom door. Mr. Wallace then yelled, "THAT'S IT!!!!I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT!!! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT!!!"

They went outside, the door slammed shut behind them, and a 1 minute scuffle ensued...

No one saw anything, including Dave, except shadows flailing wildly and chaotically..

No one heard anything, including Dave, except for muffled grunts of bestial rage, threatning thumps, and desperate scratching and clawing on the outside of the door.

Suddenly, the door opened...What happened next is still considered an absolute CLASSIC QUOTE AMONGST THE BROTHERS PARTYKA, which is brought up now and again during the Holidays:

Mr. Wallace came back into class, holding Richard up in the air by a tuft of shirt in his chest -- with one hand mind you, and he said:

"I WAS THIS CLOSE!!! THIS CLOSE!!!"

This really happened...I am not making this up....This is an actual story as recounted by my brother Dave...I experienced this for myself, and I know -- I UNDERSTAND the horror.

It's all true, and these are my stories...

Word Find Fun (AKA: I Am a Stay-At-Home Dad In Training)

2005-02-23T16:25:00.000-08:00

I needed a break from my verbally voluminous Wednesday night character blog, so this week, I have decided to do something very much inconsequential and just PLAIN FUN!

When I was a kid, I LOVED doing word find games -- I would even say it was among my very first unproductive, time-consuming vices...Speaking of which:

**********************************************************************************
RANDOM JEFF FACTOID #453434: When I was 6 years old, I forced myself to memorize reciting the 50 US States in alphabetical order. So I told someone in my second grade class this, and he didn't believe me...I was told to stand up in front of the class and do it -- and I did, to an uninspired applause -- by my teacher LOVED ME for it. This may have been a seminal event in the development of my full-blown geekdom..

BTW, I can still do it!..Don't believe me??? Test me! I dare ya!
**********************************************************************************

Anyway, I have decided to create my own word find list...The word box is below, followed by the letter grid itself...The words can be horizontal, vertical, diagonal, even backwards..Now, for a little more fun...one of the words is not actually in there!...If you guess correctly, you win a mystery prize!! Also, see how many 'Lost' characters you can find...Enjoy! (I couldn't embed this directly into Blogger because Blogger SUCKS!!!)

Click Here To Play Jeff's Word Game!

My Irrepressibly antisocial weekend: part 2 - Sunday

2005-02-22T19:41:00.000-08:00

OK, I planned on blogging earlier tonight, as I described in detail how drastically short of expectations my weekend fell...However, good ol' Saxotech (the company that I depend on to do deliver much of the work that I do to customers) SCREWED UP YET AGAIN (I can write several blogs detailing their astonishing incompetence -- actually, not incompetence, but sheer laziness...and of course, I get blamed for anything they do wrong -- Oh well, the eternally unjust, yet surprisingly humorous life of a paranoid mid-20's computer guy goes on: if you watch the movie "Office Space", you'll understand :-))

I had to call Saxotech several times before I could get through, and once I did, I was given this barely repressed attitude -- I must have been disrupting their dope party (Come to think of it, I DID hear a lot of laughing in the background...hmmm...)

So I have little time to write my blog before I say nighty-night. But I will detail this past Sunday, both the ridiculously happy and exaggerated version I had planned in my mind, and the COLD, BLUNT, UNIMAGINATIVE, LANGUID, COMATOSE...yet HIGHLY ENJOYABLE Sunday that I actually experienced...

What I thought I would do on Sunday

was travel with my parents to see my brother Dave in Boston via our new van (after a solid 8 hours of beauty rest, of course). The drive would be speedy and filled with father/son quips, mother/son silliness, mutually beneficial conversations about faster routes, a hot, delicious breakfast at Denny's...served in a reasonable amount of time...[cough]... (OK...now it's OBVIOUS that I expected WAY TOO MUCH on this trip), listening to beautiful CD's by classic composers like Mozart and Beethoven (classical music is probably the ONLY music that both my parents and I can listen to in harmonious enjoyment) and most importantly, perfect, uninterrupted camaraderie...Ahhh...Then we would see my brother, and more of the same would take place -- only then, it would be EVEN MORE ENJOYABLE, since Dave's evenhanded fraternal wisdom and special personality would be added to the mix....

What I actually did was the following:

After 1 hour of beauty rest, my brother Chris, who came back from NYC after the show, knocked on my window so that he could get into the house. Now, I know he needed to do this, but nonetheless, he SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME!...I was having a beautiful, peaceful dream about these undersized robotic spiders that I created in a lush, dewy meadow for the benefit of my giant yellow friend (who I suspected was a squash, but I didn't want to be rude...no, I'm not kidding.)...the banging startled me from my elysium, my paradise. Furthermore, because of the vast amounts of extremely salty chicken soup I ate from the can without any water just a couple of hours earlier, I realized how nauseated I was...

So when he knocked on the window, I was startled, then nearly threw up. I then let Chris in and gave him a hug...

I felt bad about not attending his show, he said it was OK, but I think he may have been a bit disappointed...We talked for a few minutes, I then drank several glasses of water to relieve my nausea, and I subsequently attempted to salvage some rest...

I was able to get maybe 1 hour of sleep -- the hour before the alarm clock would blare in my ear of course..I woke up at 6:30AM, thinking I had maybe an hour to get ready. But no, my Dad was all set to go already, scampering madly across the house...(he tries to offset this by saying, "TAKE YOUR TIME!!!! TAKE YOUR TIME!!!! NO RUSH!! But he continues to scamper madly and look at his watch every 3 seconds..My Dad is funny :-))...

I then looked at where I was supposed to be sleeping in the van: on the floor, surrounded by nameless boxes and bewildering arrangements of blankets, plastic-ware, and cereal boxes. I then realized that on the way up to Boston, no, I wouldn't be listening to classical music, but instead, to my Dad's VERY FAVORITE mix CD: classic 80's hit like "Man Eater", "Roxanna", "You Can Do Magic", etc.....Now, I've heard this CD at least 100 times already, and [Jeff is crying in a distrubed manner] I just can't...take...it.....anymore!![/jeff crying disturbed]...

I then made the decision not to go to Boston...My parents and brother Dave were very disappointed in me...I didn't give a shit and I got the beauty rest to prove it :-)

I spent the day watching 3 movies with Chris: (1: A very disturbing suburban black comedy called "Happiness" (2: Saving Silverman (3: Hard Rock Zombies (a 2nd viewing, first for my brother Chris

But before I watched any of those, I was -- you guessed it -- eating a Rome Apple while watching "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom"...yet AGAIN!...on the same channel (Sci-Fi channel) -- at the same time!....and it was the EXACT same part ("No Indy, don't drink the blood, it's baad!")....

I hate that kid..

And that was Sunday...I'm tired, and must ingest my nighty-night raisin bread, along with my 2 tablespoons of olive oil -- Ta Ta!!

My Incomprehensibly Weird, Irrepressibly Anti-Social Holiday Weekend (part 1: Saturday)

2005-02-22T10:01:00.000-08:00

I learned a valuable lesson this past weekend:

Never set the bar too high when it comes to weekend fun -- at best, you can only fulfill the weekend as expected (an attitude that is largely absent of joy to begin with), and at worst, you will be horribly disappointed (an attitude that is wholly abundant in anguish and superficial despair).

OK, I will describe my weekend in the following manner: First, I will recount my intended plans, along with some imaginative, baroque-style supplementary dialogue that would further describe a distorted, exaggerated amount of joy that the event was supposed to bring. Right below it, I will bluntly mention what I ACTUALLY did..in all of its uninspired and listless glory.

(1: Saturday, February 19, 2005

I was supposed to:

start by taking care of some pesky errands, like depositing my check in the bank and purchasing the ER contest of death walking stick. As I mentioned in my frustration-laced blog on Saturday night, I purchased the walking stick at Walmart for around 8 dollars, incredibly. (I must say that I had NO clue how much something like that would have cost beforehand)...And for the record, while at Walmart, I also purchased a Dean Koontz novel and a battery for my Nikon digital camera....Ahhh....Walmart - I love you, despite years of exploiting high school kids and illegal immigrants...Ahhhh....

And then that night, I was to see my brother's band, the Ghosts of Pasha, at a packed Mercury Lounge!....The place would be rockin'! I would be flailing up and down with my friends Brian and Rita to the song "Power Bitch"....and then at the end, the band would invite ME on stage. Of course, it would be a total act where I would pretend to be surprised: I would point to myself in an grossly exaggerated way, saying: "Who???...Me?????? you want ME??? to go on stage with YOOOUUUUU????"

Then I would experience Linda Blair contortions while on stage while dancing and singing the lyrics to "Power Bitch"....I would become a hit with the crowd, and I would even have a brief blurb written about me in Spin magazine, something like:

"...but the surprise of the night was the sudden emergence of an psychotic GOP fan known only as 'Jeff'...His supernatural shifting of his body weight at impossible angles, fueled by his immeasurable fervor for the music of GOP has made him a cult act overnight!

'Jeff' will be performing in the Hoobastank Stanky Spectacular at the Roseland Ballroom on May 18-20 at 8:30p.m."

What I actually did was:

first sit at home and eat a large Rome apple while watching Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (specifically, the part where Indy is being forced to drink the evil blood, but he spits it out after that kid says, "Don't drink Indy, it's baaad!!")

Also, I had a cold, because my Mom has had bronchitis for 2 weeks, and after a heroic effort on the part of my immune system, it finally collapsed and let Mr. Coldy into my cells. I ate lots of zinc tablets...they helped a bit.

Brian and Rita, the people I was supposed to go with, then bailed on me because they were tired.

I tried going to the show anyway, but I missed the train that would have got me to the show right on time by about 5 seconds (recounted on my Saturday blog), and I had to stand in the freezing cold for a long time before a friendly yuppie convinced me not to go, because it would be a waste of money, and I would probably miss my brother's set altogether.

I went home, ate lots of salty chicken soup (while not drinking any water) wrote a disgruntled blog entry, and went to sleep, in hopes of seeing my other brother, Dave, in Boston. Little did I know that the craziness was just beginning..

(2: Sunday, February 20, 2005

will do later tonight....

DISGRUNTLED!!

2005-02-19T19:06:00.000-08:00

Ack!!!! AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry, but that's how I feel right now..I was supposed to see my brother Chris play at the Mercury Lounge tonight...

But instead, I am eating Pathmark brand chicken noodle soup from the can in my room (which contains an astonishing amount of sodium, per serving, might I add: In the entire can, there are well over 600mg of sodium...which is about 70% of the required value), angrily playing Minesweeper(Expert mode: I've become disturbingly good at this game), and listening to classics from the Little River Band (...and if you must know, I am listening to "Lady" right now.....I realize that last sentence may potentially ruin any hippitude that I so industriously and desperately latched onto over the past several months....So now, there's nothing left -- I used to be a geek with a "Twist of Lemon and Alt-Cred", or "Whimsical Pizzazz".....Now, I am JUST a geek that likes salty chicken soup and is thinking ahead to the coming workweek, in an effort to expedite work tasks using DOS programming......uggghhh..

Anyway, let me explain what happened.....First off, I'm not entirely sure the Ghosts are actually playing in Mercury Lounge now..It says on their site that they were playing tonight, and it's on the Mercury Lounge site as well...But every time he is playing in NYC, Chris calls and lets us know, and there's emails that go around amongs the "Sayreville Contigent". (It's a group of about 15 people who knew Chris in high school, and somehow, through thick and thin, through life and near-Death, stick together with genuinely perplexing, sometimes enormous, and altogether baffling loyalty.)

But today, there were no emails....no calls from Chris....

I assumed there was a show going on anyway, and I was going to go with a couple of friends of mine. But they cancelled at 7:30PM, and I was left with no one to go with. Lynn, if you went, I apologize....

This leads to the bigger problem of many people around my age (give or take 5 years or so) who just have NO ENERGY, NO DESIRES, NO INTENTIONS OF ACTUALLY DOING ANYTHING ON A 3-DAY WEEKEND!!......OK, 20 something youth of America, I give up...I don't get it....Why am I the only one that wants to do stuff on a holiday weekend that doesn't involve TV or sitting around on your ass? I mean, c'mon, I don't have an OVERABUNDANCE of energy -- I'm still dealing with the effects of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, for God's sake! But even then, I have more intent and energy than most people my age.

....OK, I'm just spouting off some steam here, I'm not mad at anyone in particular, but still, it's very maddening in itself!! That's why many times, I enjoy going to places BY MYSELF!...It's just easier that way...I can control ME, I know MY desires, my WHIMS, my PLAN.....More people just means more complications, I've found. When there's more people, the following are introduced:

- Waiting on people for confirmation of attendance (in my experiences, 75% of the time, half the people or more back out of whatever the event is -- without calling)
- Deciding who should drive
- Deciding IF we should drive, or take the train.
- Deciding where to eat
- Deciding where to get drinks (not for me, but for my friends)
- EVERYONE ELSE'S WHIMS, which don't match your whims, and that usually means that you will do stuff you ABSOLUTELY DON'T WANT TO DO, like stop at the Mom and Pop Mozambique pottery store or eat tons of Soulvaki for like...2 hours..or someone must STOP EVERYTHING and have their 11:05PM raspberry ice cream cone (because they're really loud and need to 'beefcake' every situation to feel tough or important, or something) , or whatever...People...they're the worst..

OK..what else....I also feel like crap today physically, because my Mom has had bronchitis for 2 weeks, and while I have managed to avoid it through yesterday, it appears that it has finally caught me, in some form, today. I may become horribly sick for the rest of this month and beyond, or I may have a minor cold that is gone by Monday..We'll see....

And it's FREEZING outside!! Holy guacamole maaaan!!!!...It's SOOOOOO COOOOLLLLLLDDDD!!!..OK, so I get to the train station in South Amboy and as I am about to buy a ticket, the train makes its stop..But I am buying my ticket from a machine, and the buttons don't work well at all..I'm trying to enter the destination code for NY Penn Station (000) but I have to press each "0" 8 times or so for it to register on the screen......then it asks for method of payment...I press "Credit"....3 times!, that is, before it acknowledges that I pressed the button once.....then I insert my credit card....The banking authorization and transaction is occurring......still occurring.............still occurring.........still occurring.....................CMON MAAN!!............................................................[cough].................................................[sniffle].................................still occurring.................................then finally, DONE!..so I snatch my ticket from the dispenser, but as I'm doing that, the conductors have gone back on the train..I yell out!..WAIT!!!WAIT!!!!.........

But it's too late......I would say that I missed that train by about 5 seconds.....

I look at the schedule, and the next train doesn't arrive until 9:40PM.....And it takes about an hour to get to NY Penn Station........and then there's the taxi ride to Mercury Lounge...at this point, it would be near 11:00PM.....I would likely have missed Chris's show -- and subsequently paid another 30 bucks or so to get back home......I was standing outside in the freezing cold for about 30 minutes trying to decide whether I should actually go or not....A friendly yuppee convinced me not to go...

This has been a very weird day, I must say....and I remain disgruntled....however, one good thing came out of today:

I bought the walking stick that I will give Brooke for her victory in the ER contest of death....Guess where I bought it from?? (Whoever guesses the right store will win a funny picture from me! :-) )

I see the light!!! (A little more about Jeff Partyka: The IBS days)

2005-02-18T10:56:00.000-08:00

Hola!

After my ridiculously compact Wednesday night character blog where you literally could read my descent into chaotic madness, as well as the exploits of racist taco sheriffs from the Deep South (I don't care what anyone thinks; I thought the hippie taco was HILARIOUS!! HAHAHAHA!!!!), I thought today, I would once again ground myself in the affairs of semi-normal humans and talk about the rise and fall of my digestive problems over the last 13 months.....

Or maybe it's just that I didn't get enough sleep last night, due to my passionate "Watership Down" reading...In any case, although I'm ecstatic about the fact that it's Friday, and that I have this incredibly bizarre and fun-filled weekend ahead of me that may involve my brother getting signed by Epic records and me getting in trouble with the law at a Star Trek: Enterprise protest outside of CBS studios (no, I'm not kidding)...I have a diminished imagination and vivacity today, so I will recount what I finally believe to be the causes of my Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)

As you very well may know, I have been dealing with this for about a year, and to this day, I'm not quite sure how I even got this...I do tend to believe that a combination of factors was at work, however, and they are as follows:

(1: Bad Eating Habits

I would often go long periods of time without eating at all (I often worked for 10 hours of more in a computer lab while in college),except for maybe a 10oz. Dole Orange Juice at noon, and then all at once, splurge at the Olive Garden on the never-ending pasta bowl at around 6PM...One square meal a day is NOT the way to go, no sir.....Yeah, you might be able to get away with this for a time, but I learned that your body REALLY DOES catch up with you...Eventually, you WILL pay the price..

(2: STRESS!!

I'm a hyper person, by nature...I'm also a perfectionist...And as you might guess, this is an abdominally destructive combination. Experiencing constant stress radically increases stomach acid production, which in turn aggravates the mucus lining in the stomach wall, leading to ulcers....Again, my body caught up with me, and I paid the price...

Besides, I've learned that NOTHING on the face of the earth, whether it's another massive and dull spreadsheet that needs to be completed, or a huge presentation, or [insert time-consuming, dull work activity -- and there are literally billions in the Web programming world], is important enough to stress you out to the point of internal injury....That's the one thing I learned from Punk Rock: FUCK EVERYTHING MAAAAN!!

And trust me, you don't want an ulcer, or irritable bowel syndrome...If you enjoy sitting down and doing nothing without being in excrutiating pain, or if you enjoy eating a slice of tomato or 5 nacho cheese doritos -- without being in excrutiating pain, then you don't want an ulcer..And it's not a pain that is necessarily localized in the stomach -- it's all over the body...It doesn't seem intuitive, but that's what it's like...

(3: The Effluvium of the Old NJL Office

...Like that word?? 'Effluvium'?...It means noxious, or poisonous....That's my gold star GRE mind pit word of the day! [audience cheers]...Anyway, I still believe that the air in our old office triggered some kind of underlying allergic reaction -- after the very 1st day I worked there, I felt a weird sensation blanketing my body....This sensation continued to intensify throughout last year until it started to manifest itself in regular bouts of nausea...first it was monthly, then bi-weekly, then weekly, then finally in July of last year, daily.

The worst part about it was that I couldn't really have a social life. I had to leave several parties very early (I mean, after 20 minutes or so) -- In fact, in the Irritable Bowel Syndrome community, into which I was inducted (I wear an honorary badge that says "IBS Survivor", and it shows our symbol - Jeff Probst sitting on a toilet bowl, wincing in a futile effort to take a shit, but only expelling scintillas of gas pockets...no, just kidding :-))...Anyway -- and this is true -- many people who suffer through this for years actually need counseling after it's all over just to be convinced that they can go outside and do normal stuff without feeling horrible pain.

Now, however, since we moved to our new office in late December 2004, I am feeling MUCH better.....

(4: Lack of vitamins and minerals

I used to be an anti-health nut. I would see people all around me buying into the latest health crazes espoused by reputable doctors and hilarious charlatans alike -- I'll never forget my uncle's famous "Chicken is Deadly!!!" speech that he gave our family years ago. -- I was always a rebellious, iconoclastic youth, which is part of the reason why I became a computer science major in college, so I defied conventional wisdom and ate nothing but CRAP in college.

On one particular lunch in college, I ate the following:

(1: An enormous, greasy philly cheesesteak sandwich
(2: 2 pieces of oily garlic bread
(3: Fried chicken
(4: A slice of pepperoni pizza
(5: 2 Snickers bars
(6: and a diet coke! hah!...j/k...I had a regular coke...

But now, I eat NONE of the above, and guess what? I CAN'T eat any of those, because if I do, the IBS horrors WILL COME BACK...All it takes is one mistake....Now, I take multi-vitamins, aloe vera, acidopholis, garlic pills, Cod-liver oil, canola oil, and I eat an apple a day.....I strongly believe that becaus of this radical change in diet, I am once again OK.

Another day, I will talk about how doctors basically thought I was imagining my symptoms because they couldn't find anything wrong with me...Ta ta!

Wednesday Night Characters: Audition #3

2005-02-16T18:12:00.000-08:00

Hello Hello! And welcome to our third audition of my blog's wholly unique (perhaps for a damn good reason)installment:

Wednesday Night Characters!

Tonight, we will take a look at 2 new participants, as they enter the competitive
fray for a chance to be my blog sidekick! [applause sign flashes]

.....ahem!!....... I said!: [applause sign flashes]......Aw shit, I forgot, everyone's still discussing "Lost"....Oh big deal, another classic episode of your precious "Lost"...Oh c'mon, it's the same thing over and over again!!..Charlie goes blah blah blah mate!...Kate goes up to Sawyer and goes kissy kissy kissy..oh you're mean! fooey!......and Locke plays a cross between God and Dr. Phil with yet another magical, yet homespun tale of freaky fate -- while sporting a mysterious omniscient smile :-)

[Sensing that "Lost" is being bashed by me (via Claire's patented clairvoyance), the "Lost" throng appears out of nowhere!! -- to throw tomatoes at me!]

OK! OK! I take it all back! I apologize for all of my insolence and cynicism! I'll tell you what: if you don't laugh at my characters, then you will be free to throw as many tomatoes as you want at me..But if you laugh --- you can only throw onions....Deal? Yes? OK, good..

All right, my first character is just like your typical, ordinary guy in almost every way -- he played sports in high school, he went to college and had one too many beers, got a job after college in a megalithic corporation, rose up to middle management after years of obscurity and toil, got married, had kids, and eventually retired..

So it's clear that based on this description, he's your typical "mature" man....But that's where things get weird....You see, he became obsessed with the concept of maturity, as he learned life lessons and garnered valuable wisdom at an accelerated, almost superhuman pace thanks to an ABSOLUTELY HORRENDOUS run of luck that regularly involved him in dire, life threatening, and completely unfair circumstances that always seemed to take place entirely by coincidence. Because of this he eventually learned every possible lesson available in the human experience....while holding no grudges!

So please welcome our first contestant:

Mr. John Duncan, the most mature person....EVER!!!

Jeff: Wait..Hold on....Is there a photo of this guy????.....There's no photo?.....What happened here?

Mr. John Duncan: There is no mistake..Heh Heh...You see, I learned a valuable lesson several years ago when I distributed my picture on the Internet to several of my online friends.....I can laugh about this now...heh heh.....I assumed that they would only post my picture for use in their personal Web sites, or for other innocent purposes unbeknownst to myself. However, I would soon be exposed to the harsh truth of the matter: that my supposed online friends were actually part of a massive covert rogue EarthFirst! operation that was tracking me down for months because they believed that I did not fully appreciate the Phish album "Billy Breathes" during my freshman year of college.....In truth, it was my roommate that didn't like the album, but what the hey? They were close enough, I suppose.....heh heh....During that beautiful July evening, while taking a lovely walk on the beach with my girlfriend, who I was about to propose to under a 1 hour fireworks display arranged and prepaid by myself, along with a 500x500 electronic display of the big "question" for my girlfriend that would display on a passing cruise-ship -- the QE2, actually -- these operatives abducted me at gunpoint, put me in their van, drove me hundreds of miles into the wilderness until we arrived at an undisclosed location, and chained me to an oak tree so that I could better understand the value of Phish's music through "arboreal mana transfer", they claimed. Don't feel sorry for me; they were nice guys, and I wish each of them the absolute best in life, including unconditional happiness, health, and great wealth! For example, when I was chained, I was only lightly nudged against the oak tree, rather than slammed. And who knows? Perhaps I was a bit of an ogre myself..I shouldn't have let this surprise trip at gunpoint get under my skin. I could have been more compliant and gosh darnit!, just more relaxed with the fact that I was being chained against my will to an oak tree, being left to die. And so what if I never saw my girlfriend ever again after this? I'm sure she found happiness with someone else in time....maybe even a few days afterward, God willing......There's plenty of fish in the sea, as I like to say!

For the next 2 years, I was not able to take a bath or brush my teeth, I eventually lost the feeling in my limbs and my...ummm....my.......ah yes!..the aforementioned teeth of course!..a senior moment..that's Alzheimer's for ya...heh heh.....,and I lost the ability to urinate without excrutiating pain. I subsisted by eating the urine-laced leather of my shoes, crab grass, mudskippers, and 3 kinds of swamp reeds.....I've spent years looking for this exact combination of sustinence in supermarkets throughout the country, but I have had no luck. Like I say all the time, tomorrow's another day, another A&P, and another day spent in my 250,000 mile Geo Prism!..heh heh..

Eventually, I was rescued by a wandering hunter, and while I forever lost my ability to urinate without a catheter tube, I treasure the experience, for its many peaks and its few valleys. But what's life without a little action??

Jeff[an eerie silence is felt throughout the crowd, and within Jeff]......Ok....ay....thank you....Ummm..Mr. Duncan......

Our next contestant was actually purchased by none other than me, while returning from a trip to Georgia...

But this is a very special taco: you see, not only does he talk...with all Southern expressions and slang included -- but he is a sheriff!...But being a Southern sheriff, of course, his actions are often described as being discriminatory, even a little racist at times -- towards his fellow tacos, that is.

So please welcome contestant #2,

Sheriff Billy Bob "Casey" Dilla, the Taco Sheriff from the South

Jeff: Welcome Sheriff! How are things on the beat?

Sheriff:Well, lemme tell y'all about law 'n order heah in da Deep South!...Ya gotta be tough, ya see, on dem tacos that are dif'rint from ya!. Dey cause trouba in dese here parts! Ya gotta look dem over REAL good, ya hear?..Look at de color of der cheese and lettuce...an' espech'ly der out'r shell, ya hear? If it ain't yeller, he ain't a feller, und'rstan?

Jeff:Yes sir, I suppose I do...Have you arrested anyone lately?

Sheriff: As'a matta of fact, I hav' indeed!...He was one o' dem free love folks, yes he was...ain't from deese parts.....Her's his pictr:

But ya wanna know how we got'em??...He got de muncheese...so he ate hi'sown shell, son! Hahaha!!!

Jeff::...Hmmm.....that'll do it every time....Well, that about does it for this edition of Wednesday Night Characters. Drop in next week for more reliable zaniness!

The Law of the Tension of Opposites

2005-02-15T10:20:00.000-08:00

Hola!

OK, what the hell is this pretensiously-titled post about?? (Well, for those who read "Tuesdays with Morrie", the title will seem familiar.....and if you haven't read it.....watch for the twist ending!!...sorry, that was horrible....really, really horrible...no but really, I liked the book, even though it was sad.)

Actually, this post is about the various ways in which I am hopelessly confused in my daily life, especially in regards to long-term goals and dreams. You see, I have way too many interests and way too many impulsive ambitions, but far too little time to carry them all out. It's embedded in my personality - there's a psychological profile test called the Myers-Briggs personality test, which measures various personal behaviors, such as introversion/extroversion, how judgmental someone is, the degree to which people sense, think, feel, use intuition, etc....Anyway, my personality type is INTJ, which exists in a very small percentage of the population. (something like 1.x percent) One of the defining traits of this personality type is that the INTJ-ite continually comes up with creative and interesting ideas, but eventually overloads himself/herself and subsequently become intimidated by the overall quantity of these ideas. And what often happens is that few or none of these ideas actually get executed.

Although I have enough discipline to actually get stuff done at least part of the time, I feel this very same impulse/idea overload daily. Much of it has to do with the people that I talk to on a fairly regular basis, and some has to do with the fact that I have a tendency to be too easily influenced and inspired. And a lot of it has to do with my random, vividly descriptive imagination.

For example, take yesterday. I start off in a very ambitious technical Web geek mood; I'm thinking, "OK, I'm gonna complete the redesign of the NJL Web site Home Page, then I'm going to get started on an XHTML conversion of the page that conforms to W3C standards, THEN...etc.."....

When I get to work, however, I get 2 rage-laced calls, and my focus suddenly turns to REVENGE against the nameless asshole callers that have tormented me for over a year...For about 5 minutes, I thought up a scenario taking place during the Salem Witch Trials, where one of the callers (a lawyer dressed in a suit and tie, anacronisms notwithstanding, and is tied to a wooden post, with wood and brush surrounding him) is calling out, "Please Mr. Partyka! I didn't mean to be rude to you! I...I was under a lot of pressure! I needed my case THAT DAY...[nervous laugh]...you understand, right Jeff!"...Me, being the town's high priest/mayor, loudly and uncomprimisingly reads from a scroll:

"The Good Town of Salem in thy Treasured Commonwealth of Massachusetts Bay hereby declares the immediate and God-fearing execution of MR. ANGRY CALLER, as sanctioned by the majority town mandate of the Wytch Identification Counsel....May God have mercy on your soul......Commence the Conflagration of God's Glory!

......Anyway, I do calm down after this imaginary scenario, but I no longer want to accomplish tech-oriented tasks at light speed -- now I want to go to a Salem Witch Trials Museum...

Later, as I begin to write my blog about Valentine's Day, my creative/comedic urges are extirpated from my brain, and I envision myself as a semi-famous writer doing a book signing at Borders in East Brunswick (OK Butterscotch, there's your bookstore reference...LOL)......Of course, I am wearing designer eyeglasses and chatting with other intellectuals/dilettantes (the very same people who become Borders employees, BTW)....To a fan, I spout off literary drivel, such as:

"..well...yes, I would have to say, most certainly, that the motivations of Murray, while not entirely removed from a Faulkner protagonist, do, however, exhibit the very same underlying exhuberance and...dare I say...girth??"

Later that night, I work on my Internet Radio Station (more details to follow later this week), and I think about the possibility of doing a radio show once a week....I think about various angles and witty one-liners I can dish out during my broadcast...I even think of a nifty way to open up the show.....I then get the impulse to watch "Good Morning Vietnam", and I dream about becoming an underground Internet radio DJ.

Finally, I talk to my brother Dave, and as always, we engage in intellectual, socio-philosophical conversation about....whatever....this motivates me to become a sociology professor, where I speak slowly and carefully, with a commanding, didactic voice, and spout off something like:

"Sympathy in any given social interaction system...like anything else...has a LIMITED NUMBER....OF .....CREDITS...write that down....If one uses all of their credit.......THEY LOSE GROUP CREDIBILITY..."

And that's all I have time to blog about today...Tomorrow: WEDNESDAY NIGHT CHARACTERS!!!

Valentine's Day: A Singularly Single Perspective

2005-02-14T10:01:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the Valentine's Day edition of the mind pit!

Now, I am single. And on Valentine's Day, the day intended for and targeted as "the celebration of relationships, mass-produced heartfelt thoughts in the form of a gift card template, and inferior gourmet chocolate (well, compared to European chocolate anyway)", one might think that for me, I would be very depressed....I would look around, see happy couples trading sweet pecks, holding hands, needing each other in a quiet, understated way...

And while I do see that, I also recognize the various pleasures and freedoms that I have BECAUSE I am single. That's not to say that I prefer to be single, because this certainly isn't true. Nonetheless, there are advantages to my current situation that I treasure dearly..

As a result, I have decided to write a blog comparing and contrasting how today would go, first as a boyfriend, and second, like the single guy that I am now. So what's better, being single or being in a relationship???? You decide...

(1: Dinner

Jeff the Boyfriend: "Ahh...yes, I believe today, I will try the Filet Mignon, coated in promodoro sauce with mozzarella cheese au gratin. And for a drink, bring me, if you please, your finest Bordeaux."

Jeff's girlfriend: "Oh my, excellent choice dahling! But can we afford it?"

Jeff the Boyfriend: "Now Now, dahling, remember that I am a Web developer, money is not an issue.......I'll just increase my weekly hours from 40 to 100.."
(both start laughing in unison)
********************************************************************************
Jeff the Single Guy: : "Ummm....yeah..I would like the #4....Yeah....Umm...but I don't wany any cole slaw"

KFC cashier: "It doesn't come with cole slaw"

Jeff the Single Guy: "But the picture up there shows cole slaw"

KFC cashier: "We changed the side dishes a few months ago...There's no cole slaw with the #4"

Jeff the Single Guy: "OK then...as for my drink......mmmmm.....is there anything besides soda?"

KFC cashier: "There's Fruit Works"

Jeff the Single Guy: "Fruit Works is horrible..Is there any water?"

KFC cashier: "We don't carry water"

Jeff the Single Guy: "How could you not carry water? Water is everywhere."

KFC cashier: "I'm sorry sir, we don't have water"

Random KFC person next to me in line: "Water is too cold for my teeth....Sometimes....I like to drink water.......but only when it's warm...not cold.................I like tap water......."
********************************************************************************

(2: Reading From the Heart...

Jeff the Boyfriend: "...the eternal glow of your kiss, her smile etched into my soul, releasing love from new lands, new plateaus of my heart, it is too much for the body to bare!"
********************************************************************************

Jeff the Single Guy: "...OK.....Here's something: 8:30, we got 'Wife Swap' on ABC, and at 9:00, we got 'Trading Spouses'...And then at 10, we have Law and Order: SVU!...So Dad, we can watch all of our favorite shows without any overlap!...I love TV!"
********************************************************************************

(3: Chocolate...

Jeff the Boyfriend: "...Hey!....What kind of chocolate is this??? Is this...boysenberry? This is just way too exotic!...What else is left??......!What the hell is this crap??....This is horrible too!....is this Lime-Kiwi-Banana??.....Hey sweetheart, what happened to all of the classic chocolates that everyone loves, like caramel??"

Jeff's Girlfriend: [mouth stuffed with a huge ball of caramel] "Idawno[slurp][bite]"
********************************************************************************
Jeff the Single Guy: "MMM.....those caramel chocolates were AMAZING....mmmm......No more caramel??......OK then, it's time to visit the homeless shelter.."

My High School Prom Disasters - Actually, these are the reasons why I hated my likely prom date

2005-02-11T09:54:00.000-08:00

Actually, the imagination vaccum cloud that has blanketed our local blogger community was in the process of converting my brain into a heap of vacuum bag dust and dark, opaque fuzz....

Until that is!....Brooke and I started talking about our respective high school prom experiences....and I realized, "Do I have a story for you..heh heh.."

Yes, my high school prom experiences are nothing short of being intensely embarrassing yet hilarious -- at least from an objective 3rd person perspective. From MY perspective, however, it was a horrific social nightmare, full of people pointing fingers, while laughing uncontrollably at me....

OK, so what happened? Well, for both my Junior AND my Senior proms, I could have EASILY WENT. No doubt about it. However, the problem was that in both years, I ABSOLULTEY LOATHED the girl who wanted to go with me to the point where I made up reasons not to go....No, I'm not kidding...

Her name was Bonnie Huang, and specifically, she possessed 3 qualities that just repulsed and revolted me beyond belief:
*********************************************************************************

(1: She was ridiculously competitive from an academic standpoint to the point where I just wanted to slap her.....Now, I have never, ever advocated or even thought of violence against ANYONE, especially women, for even a second -- Except when it came to Bonnie.....You see, we were both fighting for class valedictorian (along with 5 others) in 11th and 12th grade, and while I tried my absolutely best not to get chippy with anyone (ie: "You can't even convert 100 hectoliters to deciliters??!! Hahaha!!!!....") Bonnie would go out of her way to best me or "put me in my place", and she just refused to stop -- for 2 years....(I could do an entire blog on the incredibly petty arguments we would get into, which were merely manifestations of the academic testiness between us)

(2: She eternally maintained this obviously fake smile on her face AT ALL TIMES! It was as if she secretly underwent facial reconstruction surgery to look like The Joker in the movie "Batman"...But c'mon -- who smiles with all their might AT ALL TIMES OF THE DAY AND NIGHT?! No one in their right mind is like that!....And that's what I thought at the time too -- Bonnie was either being incredibly fake or was bonkers.

(3: Of course, with my checkered romantic history, the one girl that I absolutely HATED WITH A PASSION was head over heels in love with me. She would write me long letters compact with text, jokes, innermost thoughts, etc..., she would consistently talk to me with this insane fervor, as if conversing with me was a Fatima moment, and whenever I would try to lose her in the hallway, she would always track me down -- and surprise me from behind in the process.

I have no doubt in my mind that if I showed even a slight romantic interest in her, she would have called me every day for years up to the present, no matter where she was located on this planet. And if I kissed her just one time, she would have started planning the wedding right on the spot.
*********************************************************************************

OK, so that's why I hated her.

Now, around prom time of Junior Year, -- wait, I thought of another reason why I hated her!

(4: Now, as you might guess by her name, she was Oriental. (Chinese, to be exact). Now, this doesn't matter to me at all...Ethnicity means nothing to me. In fact, my Polish and Brazilian heritage means squat to me...I'm not ashamed at all of my heritage; I just don't give a damn. If I were Indonesian and German, I would care just as little.

But Bonnie DID care about her ethnicity -- OK, fine. That doesn't bother me. What DID bother me, however, was Bonnie's haughty, brazenly superior attitude she had about her own ethnicity..She really looked down on the fact that I was white and Polish. She acknowledged my Brazilian heritage and constantly encouraged me to speak Portuguese. But she NEVER acknowledged my Polish background, ever.

But worse than that was Bonnie's categorical insistence on EVERYTHING in her life being Chinese or associated with the Far East. EVERYTHING! And if it wasn't Chinese or of the Far East, she had little to no interest.

If we talked food, she HAD to only talk about Chinese dishes. If we talked about books, she HAD to talk about Chinese books.....And if we talked about something by a white person, then she automatically held some intrinsic disdain for it.

Basically, she irked me because she was incredibly ignorant and close-minded in this regard. And I have no respect for that.

...OK, now, in regards to my Junior prom -- wait! I've thought of a 5th reason why I hated her!!....(This blog will now be retitled: "My High School Prom Disasters -- Actually, these are the reasons why I hated my likely prom date"

(5: I COULD NOT STAND her laugh....It was this horrific high-pitched laugh/squeak/shriek that sounded like a mutant female guinea pig having an orgasm....That's it...I just HATED her laugh....it bothered me to no end....and she laughed A LOT....uggggghhh

OK, that is all...some other time, I will talk about my prom experiences...

Wednesday Night Characters: Audition #2

2005-02-09T18:25:00.000-08:00

Hola! And welcome to our second edition of Wednesday night characters, as we continue our search to find

Jeff's blog sidekick!

Last week, you were introduced to our first 2 candidates: (1: The Guy Who Loves Star Trek With All Of His Heart, But Does a Really Bad Job of Hiding It (2: Cool Blanche and the Naked Supermodel 3-D-cup Doritos..Personally, I am down with Cool Blanche...or at least I was...that is....until I unintentionally killed her.....cough....and soon afterwards....in[cough]gested her!....Mmmmmm...cool blanche.......

So today we will show you 2 more candidates. Let's get this party started!!!

OK, our first contestant is actually a very popular and red hot Hollywood action star who's done it all: He's made the rounds on the Silver Screen, he's currently the star of arguably the most action packed show on television, 24!!!....

But there's a problem.....Let's face it: How long can the show 24 keep its viewing audience interested while simultaneously remaining believable? Maybe for one season, the plot would be feasible, but at this point, what more can be done to keep the show fresh and full of innovation??? Some might say, "Raise the number of possible nuclear holocausts per show up to 7, from its current ceiling of 4!"....OK, that may seem sensible at first, but what happens when the audience simply isn't fazed by 7 parallel nuclear disasters that can wipe out billions?...That's right!....Then what??

Well, a progressive new generation of TV drama writers has surmised that conventions shouldn't be merely pushed to their limits, but thrown out all together, even at the expense of commercialism...So in the upcoming season of 24, Jack Bauer, played by Kiefer Sutherland, will quit his high-stress, explosion and death packed job for a low profile office position at New Jersey Lawyer, Inc....

So naturally the question is, "Will Jack be able to make a smooth transition from nuclear terrorism aversion to expense report completion?"

Let's find out by following his first day on the job!! Welcome:

Jack Bauer: Our Newest NJL Advertising Salesman

9:30AM: At my desk

I'm federal agent....I mean New Jersey Lawyer advertising salesman Jack Bauer...and today is the longest day of my life. I must admit that I don't see how I won't bash in at least one skull today...No one better mess with my daughter, or I'll KILL 'EM!!!

11:00AM: At my desk....still

[Lynn makes an announcement over the loudspeaker, as another office birthday is going to be celebrated..but Jack reacts immediately and takes action!]

1:30PM: At Jeff Partyka's desk

[Jack has a computer question for Jeff]

Jack: I was told you're the guy around here for computer problems?
Jeff:: I guess you could say that..[Jeff chuckles with a corporate, vapid smile]
Jack:: Why are you laughing? What the HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! TELL ME NOW!!
Jeff:: Relax Jack!
Jack:: Look, I have killed two people since midnight. I haven't slept in over 24 hours. So maybe you should be a little more afraid of me than you are now.

5:00PM: Day 1: A Success

I believe I'm off to a fast start here...I think I'm starting to fit in here..Sure, there were some minor disagreements, but I handled them the only way I know how.

...........OK then...

Our second contestant is quite unusual...A few months ago, marine biologists off the coast of Bimini in the Caribbean Sea discovered a very special octopus...First off, he's a Republican. Second, he's the first and only Republican that actually tells the whole truth, and nothing but the truth...And third, he's a Bush!..

But being an octopus...and a Bush..he has some trouble speaking...

So from the floor of Congress, giving a state of the Union address, please welcome,

Octopus Bubba Bush

"....agugd...let's....take away....social security.....so that old...people...can die sooner.....and take less...of OUR MONEY!"...

[Republicans stand and cheer in unison]

"....agugdddduggh!!!!!...let's.....make it ....impossible....for people to sue.....doctors.....by limiting...the jury award...they receive....Besides....if you lose your limbs....agguguggg....you can....get by...without...money!...LOOK AT ME!! HAHAHA!!!! agugghgg!!!"

[Republicans stand and cheer -- and laugh -- in unison]

"....agugugg...it's not your...fault...if...you are...non-white...or have long hair...or are Jewish.....You'll go to Heaven....as long....as you are...not gay... or a Democrat....aguguggduggh!!!...But I'm being.....REDUNDANT NOW!...HAHAHA!!!! agugugddugggh!!"

[Republicans stand and cheer...John Ashcroft and Dick Cheney have tears in their eyes]

..OK, and those are our 2 contestants for today!...What will next week bring?? There's only one way to find out!: Remote Viewing Monkeys!!

And Now: An Incredibly Cynical Post About Movies Deemed "Oscar-Contenders"

2005-02-08T17:06:00.000-08:00

Hola!

OK, so now that I have unlimited access to all movies ever made due to my computer-glitch enabled permanent Hollywood Video MVP, I have finally caught up on many of the most recent movies that either won the oscar for best picture or were considered contenders. And after far too many hours of unidirectional movie flow that nearly impaired my ability to communicate (and strangely enough, these same brain-debilitating symptoms cropped again during Sunday between 6:30PM and 10:00PM...I wonder why??...ummmm....uggg.) , the cynical side of my personality exploded to the forefront of my brain in a hurry!

Why? I realized that an Oscar winning movie actually abides by a fairly simple formula. What, you mean a beautiful story, with a pristine setting, heartfelt characters that forever imprint the soul with their beauty and anguish, set and costume design that collectively bring th entire screen to life, etc..??

Nope...that's not what I mean at all, JACK!! (???)....I have identified a very specific set of characteristics that Oscar-contenders must follow in order to qualify for the award of Best Picture...In fact, I heard that these rules were secretly approved by the Motion Picture Association of America, so they clearly possess a lot of weight. They are as follows:

(1: Hillary Swank must be cast in a non-traditional gender role

(2: Morgan Freeman must do the voice-over/narration for the movie, while occasionally inserting wholesome tidbits of wisdom such as, "Some say that the most important thing is for one's living to be filled with joy and hope...I never thought that made much sense...Because if one's joy and hope isn't filled with life, then what's the point of living? (enter crescendoing orchestral music)"

(3: The movie must be set in a snowy, cold, and simple place with simple folk who get by. (I'm referring to "The Cider House Rules here, among others")

(4: The movie must take place in the 1940's OR involve old people who lived the prime of their lives during the 40's.

(5: Toby MacGuire, at least 1 precocious and cute child (preferably a little girl) or a mentally challenged individual with a heart as pure as snow MUST be involved.

that is all, as I have typed more today than at any other time in my entire life...Good bye!

Update: Gifts For My Brother Dave

2005-02-07T16:54:00.000-08:00

Hola!

This weekend, I kicked off what is being nationally and rapidly regarded as:

"Jeff's Mindless, Fiscally Irresponsible, Yet Highly Thoughtful Venture Into Fraternal Togetherness and Base, Raucous Guffaws"

Why isn't this the title of my blog????

Anyway, after several hours of disciplined cogitation (made possible due to Singapore-style caning with a bamboo pole that would ensue if I stopped thinking intensely for more than 1 second at a time) , followed by a tantric meditation session designed to enhance to the ulitmate fullest BOTH the decision making process of the humanoid mind along with my foundational instincts for fraternal obligation, I decided on gifts to cheer up my bro Dave.

Now, after these rigorous processes, I was in an overly ambitious state of mind, so keep this in mind. The first gift that came to mind arose from my brother's desire to see some exotic, far away places totally removed from American corporate and capitalist culture:

For the next gift, I decided to expand upon this idea...Why not get bigger -- and higher!:

The final gift would be the capper, I said to myself...Let's get a gift that not only keeps on giving, but gives access to all US miltary strategy and finally reveals the highly classified info about the biggest secret of all: That our government is secretly working with aliens possessing IQs exceeding 200 to make the vanilla and strawberry flavors in Neapolitan Ice Cream just as desireable as the chocolate:

.....Afterwards, a empty paint bucket fell from the top shelf of my basement and knocked me on the head....I then realized that the shipping charges on those gifts would be outrageous, so unfortunately, I had to abandon the plan..

Or so I thought..I re-thought my strategy and decided to appeal to Dave's anger and frustration -- basically, I wanted to make him laugh by purchasing downright tasteless merchandise.

So these are the first few gifts that I ended up purchasing for Dave:

(1: H.E. Fartsalot, The Farting Musical Hand Puppet:

(2: Filthy Phrases Player:

(3: Menage a Trois Love Doll:

..I don't know about you, but I think I'm off to a hell of a start!...heh heh...(and I bought all of these at Spencer's...Who says you have to go NYC to buy anything interesting??)

A little bit more about yours truly

2005-02-03T18:02:00.000-08:00

Hello!

First off, I just want to thank everyone for giving me fantastically crazy ideas of gifts for my brother Dave! I will absolutely take up many of those suggestions -- amongst the gifts I will purchase are: 1 enormous face, 1 plastic blow up doll of some plastic hottie, something to do with the gameshow "Press Your Luck"

(actually Brooke's comment where she tried to jumpstart the other comments reminded me of "No Whammies, No Whammies, No Whammies!"....(Did you know that on one particular episode of Press Your Luck, the host read a poem that a viewer wrote and mailed in about how Whammies will..like...ruin your life and take your money??? Apparently, this viewer really was serious in his tone too....I'M ABSOLUTELY SERIOUS...I could't make that up, I'm just not creative enough)

Anyway, thank you all for your fantabulous ideas..

Now today, believe it or not, I am going to be serious...I realized while writing this blog that despite the weirdness and incessant wackiness, I come across as being very impersonal...When do I really talk about my life? For example, who are some of my friends? What do I do when I get home? What are my goals? What are my fantasies like? What am I proud of? What am I ashamed of? What are some idiosynchracies of mine?

I'll answer a couple of these questions!

(1: What are some of my goals?

OK, this one's easy. First off, I'll start with some secular, short-term goals. I would first want to get a place of my own, which I'm working on: I've contacted a realtor and specified that I want to buy a 2 bedroom condo for around 150-175K, preferably with a maintenance fee of less than $150. So far, nothing in the immediate area near my job (South Plainfield, Edison, etc.) has popped up, though I've heard that opporunities will leap out come springtime. So in the meantime, I make preparations to move by learning how to cook (I had no skills last year, but now, I can cook a lean and mean breakfast consisting of french toast, scrambled eggs, and some turkey sausages...well, it's not that lean), by transferring my gigantic mp3 collection consisting of 7500 songs to my new 120 GB external hard drive, and by savin', savin', SAVIN'!..Nothing special.

Second, pretty soon, I think I want to get back into the relationship game...I took some time off after a pretty nasty conclusion with a girl named Michel....Ultimately, it was an educational experience for me, as I became familiar with many of the advanced and often unnecessarily cruel manipulation tactics of many girls.

Now, in my time off (it's been 1 year, almost exactly), I've discovered 2 critical facts about myself in regards to my personal life: (1: Being alone can be quite fun...It's surprising how well education and creativity can effectively mask romantic yearnings. (2: Nonetheless, it's difficult not being able to share your experiences with a companion. Even if your experiences are recorded and documented with literary flair and intricate detail, in the end, the experience just seems second-rate and empty without someone else to share it with. I miss that. I want to have lunch with someone and talk about a really crappy movie with someone else....Reflection is so important.

Now, as far as some other goals of mine: professionally -- I'm confused on this one -- for now, I want to live sorta like Einstein did for a time -- by day, he was a patent clerk; in his free time, however, he solved the physical mysteries of the universe. Now, I'm not particulary interested in solving the physical mysteries of the universe, but I have creative goals that I want to accomplish. In particular, I want to write strange literature..I've written a few things I'm proud of, but am working on a master work: a sci-fi like alien psycho/tech book/art thing....It's very weird, and perhaps one day, I'll post some scraps of it on this blog :-)

I also want to write a book about my life in college. I don't talk about it much, but that's because it was a rather dark and lonely time for me, and people don't want to hear about anything like that. I suffered from bouts of depression and a destructive fear of the social arena at large, especially my first 2 years of school. I also developed a neurological disorder called dysgraphia that I still deal with today -- basically, in pressure situations, I cannot perform the physical act of writing. One day, it is my hope that I can overcome dysgraphia and write neatly and without any fear or psychosis attached to it.

So much more happened in college that I truly believe resulted in me becoming slightly insane. But I'll save it for another time. Darkness should be adminstered in small doses :-)

But ultimately, I think I would like to become an English teacher one day. My mind has changed considerably over the last few years, from one of logic and analytical problem solving to one of creativity and imperfect cogitation.

(2: What am I most proud of?

Although I am proud of several accomplishments in my recent life, 3 stand out in my mind:

- I became a happy person that is striving for a better life. I once believed that I would never acheive this.

- Making the Phi Kappa Phi honors society in college (after 7 Dean's Lists), despite all of the obstacles that I needed to overcome, including dysgraphia (which made it difficult to write on tests and finish on time -- think about that..That also doesn't include the psychological bitterness and trauma that accompanies it), various social dysfunctions that made it nearly impossible for me to make friends, 2 different run-ins with cults, and being totally ostracized and mocked by my freshman year floormates simply because I didn't want to get drunk.

- Writing "The Struggle of Micheal Ambrosiak"...it's the best thing I've ever written, and I think it's great, even by my strict standards.

Now, this blog isn't intended to be a self-pity session. I've done my self-pity time long ago, so I have no use for that anymore. But I remain proud of the fact that I've turned my life around for the better despite all that happened, and that when I look towards the future, I tend to see opportunity and wonders, rather than loss and disappointment.

OK, that's enough for one day....I'll reveal some more about myself some other day...Maybe I'll even talk about my cult experiences...

The Inaugural Edition of the Mind Pit's New Character Auditions!

2005-02-02T16:35:00.000-08:00

Welcome all! Welcome all!

After weeks of mental languishing due to the cabin-fever inducing blizzaaad(?) and [with a foreboding voice..] 2 consecutive John Wayne movies (I just saw "Big Jake"...Omigod, I just can't consciously comprehend how HORRIBLE AND MIND-BOGGLINGLY EMBARRASSING that movie was...Holy shit!!...whhheeww!!!!) today I am debuting an entirely new regular feature on the Mind Pit that is ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEED to send shockwaves throughout the Blogging Community -- and perhaps the rest of human civilization (Addis Ababa won't know what hit 'em!)

Once a week, preferably on Wednesday nights, 2 new characters will try out for the most coveted position mankind has ever known:

to be Jeff's blog sidekick!!!

Now, as you can imagine, the audition demands a character that is NOT JUST eye-catching....it demands a character that is NOT JUST unique and original to the collective mind of human consciousness for all time...(well duh!)....but it will ABSOLUTELY, UNEQUIVOCALLY, UNCONDITIONALLY demand a character that can attend to Jeff's Wednesday night passion fruit scented butt paste application sessions..so I need someone with soft hands, and a perpetually moist tongue....Of course, all of this: the contest, the logistics, the ass-licking and emollience, etc.. is subject to the rigorous and downright infernal schedule that Jeff Partyka-Terwilliger must somehow keep up with -- you know, with all of those ummm...uhh....! photoshoots!!......yeah! That's right!

[audience member shouts out: "Yeah! With his Gilmore Girls cardboard cutout, complete with a free complimentary wee-wee hole! Ha ha ha!!"....A single gunshot is heard from the catwalks.....the distraction has been terminated..]

[clearing throat]..yes, so this is it, the contest!...And now, without further delay, let us introduce our FIRST 2 CANDIDATES!!

(1: John Luke Picard, The Guy That Secretly LOVES Star Trek With All of His Heart, But Does A Terrible Job of Trying to Hide It

Jeff: ...Hey There John Luke Picard!....That's some coincidence about your name: It's almost identical to Jean Luc Picard, the legendary captain from the Star Trek: The Next Generation.

John Luke:...What are you talking about?...I never watched that show...Me? Never...Never indeed!...Sure I've done some crazy and silly things that I'm a bit embarrassed about: trying to build a warp engine out of honey nut cheerios and Juicy Fruit, having an imaginary robotic friend named Data that wanted to be human but wasn't built to experience emotion, and once I even forgot my com badge and tri-quarter at school..but I've NEVER, EVER watched even one episode of that sci-fi knee-deep-in-nerd crap!! NOT ONE, YOU HEAR ME!!! NOT ONE!!!!

Jeff: OK! OK!......but...still................you've gotta admit.....everything you said is right out of the show!...The android Data, the warp drive, the Starfleet com badge and triquarter!....C'mon, just admit it: you watch the show!..You love the show!! C'MON DAMMIT!!

John Luke:Computer, energize!! (John Luke teleports into the sky, and he disappears into thin air).....

...Well, let's move onto our second character!..Well, actually, it's a whole troupe of contestants, and they've made it very clear to me that they are about one thing, and one thing only: SEX, SEX SEX!!!......but there's a catch.

Please welcome Cool Blanche and the Naked Supermodel 3-D-cup Doritos!

Jeff:Well hello gals!..I must admit...I'm blushing a bit watching all of you beauties prance around like that...

Cool Blanche: ....Don't be shy!...Why don't you come a little closer?....Is that the best you can do Jeffy boy?? Be a man Jeff! Closer Jeff! Closer! I want a man to lick the flavor from my oily..HOT...tortilla skin!

Jeff: ...Well OK then Blanche! Here I come!! Yeehaw!!!

(But Jeff rushes into too hard for the fragile, crispy beauty of Cool Blanche..She yells out in pain!)...

Jeff: ...Ooo.....kay........I guess this brings everything to a close!...We'll be back next week with 2 more tryouts! Until then, so long!

Help my brother Dave!

2005-02-01T10:40:00.000-08:00

Hola folks!

I am dedicating today's blog to my brother Dave.....He is my older brother by 2 years, and is currently wrangling with the Harvard graduate program in chemistry.

Now here's the deal: his life is uncomprimising and brutal:

- His advisor, Dr. Holm, is a complete asshole who motivates his students solely through insults, fear, and the threat of being fired. He's yelled at Dave in this manner for about 5 years, and now that my brother is nearly finished with the program, he's trying to suck up to him: not out of forgiveness, but because he knows that he can't intimidate my brother anymore.

- Furthermore, Dr. Holm pennypinches to the point where the equipment in the lab is constantly breaking down (remember, we're talking about Harvard, which has almost as much money as the Vatican, and that's saying something), chemicals don't work as they should, and the glovebox nearly exploded from the pressure of nitrogen gas within it a couple of weeks ago. If it exploded, it would have likely destroyed a significant chunk of the building, and many of its inhabitants. No, I'm not kidding.

- Dave's roommate, Jeff, is simply cold and aloof...Dave's tried everything to make him warm up and be more sociable, but alas, Jeff cannot change his isolated ways.

- Back to lab -- Because of the lab conditions, the odds that Dave actually runs a successful reaction (based on Dr. Holm's outdated research, BTW) is about 1 in 1000. And this is if the reaction is thermodynamically possible to begin with. (in which case, the reaction would be TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE -- this happens about half the time) ..Dave needs one more paper to work on his thesis, get his pHd, and get out of there.

The other day, things looked up for Dave, finally....He performed a reaction that actually worked! He got tangible results!....He was happy for the first time in a while; he even talked about getting another paper done beyond this one, if time allowed for it.

But last night, I found out that Dave performed this same reaction one last time to verify his results...And it didn't work....Now Dave has been acting in an increasingly distraught and hyper-aggressive manner, and yesterday, in acting out his anger, he strained his neck pretty badly.
I also notice that his behavior is becoming more desperate and extreme, and honestly, I'm getting very worried and concerned for him.

So I have decided to buy him 200 dollars worth of stuff that will serve one purpose, and one purpose only: to make him laugh a little, to make him realize that despite his troubles and pressurized circumstances, life should be enjoyable, not insufferable.

So I need your help: I want to buy stuff that is wacked out, stuff that will make him laugh -- this could be anything:

-Maybe a crazy movie
-Perhaps a blow up plastic doll of Carmen Electra
-How about a picture of his advisor getting his butt slapped by a paddle in a Secret Freemasonry Ritual?

I need ideas, I need your help! Please help my brother be happy, just for a little while...

Thanks!

A Post About Nothing...

2005-01-31T11:36:00.000-08:00

So the Central New Jersey blizzard-induced cabin fever is now in its 2nd week!

Although I have fought valiantly and rigorously to ward off the "Demons of Diminshing Thought and Creativity", alas, I am human, and even the bizarro Jeff "Ludricous Lee" Partyka Terwilliger Tzu-Kamaki Harlowe Thromby McTwittleBottom (this is my real name; for convenience purposes, I cut it off after Partyka....or sometimes Terwilliger...) has run out of ideas...

Yep...there's nothing left....Nada....Nothing at all.....Nothing as in 'zilch'.......the tank is empty....the well has run dry......I've scraped all that there is to scrape from the bottom of the barrel.......

Have I officially become to stereotypical vapid computer guy at the office? Have I turned into "Jeff Average", or "Jeff Bloggs"? (for you GRE enthusiasts out there)...or Jeff Vegetable Lasagna??.........or Jeff Brimley, son of Wilford Brimley, the most boring actor humanly possible?

Well, here are the most exciting things that happened to me this weekend..Judge for yourself: (BTW, I'm not kidding about these):

(1: On Saturday morning, I decided to gamble and eat 2 scrambled eggs instead of my usual one. Remembering that I often don't spray enough Pam into my scrambled egg skillet, I overcompensated violently and emptied maybe 1/6 of the entire can onto the pan. What resulted was an enormous Pam cloud that seemed to grow in intensity over time, rather than diminish. I started coughing while breathing in the healthy Canola Oil fumes......I dumped my eggs into the skillet, and they were afloat in this wash of oil and....umm.....eggs.....yep.....they did cook, yes they did....umm.....but it sure was messy!

(2: I took my parents out to see the movie "Phantom of the Opera" (which was amazing BTW)....My Dad was in rare form as a pissed off NJ driver who just doesn't give a damn anymore....Here's what he said in his first few minutes of driving to the theater (When we all go out, I just let him drive, because he is IMPOSSIBLE as a backseat driver....uggghh):

Situation 1: There's a guy in front of him who is taking his time in making a right turn: "Cmon!! Cmon!!!! Damn New Yorker, doesn't even know what the hell she's doing!!Look at her, she's looking down, up, left, right, she's looking everywhere but straight in front of her....Idiots!...Idiots!" (It should be noted that this girl turned about maybe 2 seconds more slowly than my Dad wanted...but that didn't stop his tirade)

Situation 2: A minute later, we're driving past a woman who is just coming out of Quick Chek...She starts to walk on the street, much to my Dad's dismay:

Mom: "Why is she walking onto the street?"

Dad: "Because she's a fat pig, that's why!"

(At this point, I started laughing at the showcase my Dad was putting on)

(3: I went to Borders book store yesterday in an attempt to wait out Agent Bookslave....She didn't show up...Worse yet, the hairy Russian guys were everywhere..But that was only the beginning:

- There was no soap in the men's bathroom
- There was no bottled water in the refrigerator
- I couldn't read, because this 'slick' guy was trying to impress some girl by talking constantly and in an annoying manner...And this girl just had no mind of her own, she couldn't respond to ANYTHING this guy was saying...it was like some public mating ritual.....

....With all of these factors in play...I left to store my massive 35 GB mp3 collection into my new hard drive...

That's it.....I promise, when my life becomes populated with new, cool stories, entertainment, people, and green grass, I will be wacky once more!

Caught on Camera! The REAL Jeff Partyka: Episode 2

2005-01-28T10:04:00.000-08:00

Part 1

...(It's another typical day at New Jersey Lawyer, phones ringing off the hook, copies of ads and graphics being rushed from one department to another, etc.....Jeff is in the server room ferociously performing some kind of technical work; nuts and bolts are scattered throughout the floor, several long, twisted wires are emanating out of the door ...but it is all shrouded in secrecy.....suddenly, Brooke and Lynn pop in!)

Lynn: Hey Partyka!....Whatcha working on?? You've been here for over 3 hours! Hey, what's that under the tarp?

Jeff: NOTHING!!...(nervous laugh)....I mean...it is NOT...your concern!! hahaha!!...(clears throat) ....I mean......you wouldn't understand...it...anyway..It's very technical, and I just don't want to bore you with all of these niggling details!....I'm weird, remember! Ha!.....I like to do weird stuff, cause that's me!...Yes....sir.......ree.........Jack.......

Brooke: (sees a hand sticking out of an opening in the tarp)...Is that a hand? Whatever is it that you are up to?

Jeff: Oh!..(violently thrusts the hand under the tarp)....Oh, that's my...umm....nephew's ...toy hand!....Yeah, he loves this hand...he ADORES it, in fact!....You might as well say that he has 3 HANDS!...hahaha!!!!

Brooke: Since when do you have a nephew??

Jeff: Yesterday!.......Yep........My brother adopted some....uhhh..kid.....from Norway...or maybe it's the Ukraine....I don't know yet...

Lynn: You're weird Partyka..

(Lynn and Brooke walk away....Jeff then begins a soap-opera like soliloquy)

Jeff: Yes, I hear the whispering of "The Others"...they want me gone, they want me out of NJL!....I can hear the whispering at all times!! Whether it's 9AM, or 9PM, when no one's actually here! Or so you think! They're always here!!: whispering...LAUGHING!....mocking!....waiting for the right time to jettison me!....Well, it's not going to work, I tell ya!...(Jeff pulls away the tarp).....My new android will make sure of that! NJL: Meet your new Full Time Publisher!!Mwahahaha!!!!!

Part 2

(It is Monday morning, and the buzz around the office is that we suddenly hired a new Publisher....However, no one has actually seen him..or her...Suddenly, walking through the door is him! ...He is moving in a very mechanical, deliberate motion. The office is puzzled....Then he speaks, as everyone gathers around the News department)

Android Publisher:
He-llo...My....name....is.....Jeff...Ter...will...i....ger......Let...us....have...a.....man....ag....er....'s.....mee
....ting..right...away.....By....the.....way.....Jeff.....Par.....ty....ka......is....the....best....comp.....ut....er......sup..port...guy
that...the...wor....ld...has....ever....seen....[static noises]......

Jeff: Why thank you Mr. Terwilliger!..[blushing]....I try hard!

[Some people in the office give suspicious looks at Jeff and Mr. Terwilliger...Lynn notices that I am typing into a keyboard at roughly the same time as Jeff Terwilliger is talking]

Lynn: Why did you bring a keyboard with you to this meeting?

Jeff: Oh...well......this is one of them...wireless keyboards...that...don't....have to be...directed...at my computer.....to ...reach!...my computer.....

Lynn: .....You're weird Partyka

Part 3

(It is Monday morning, and a manager's meeting is happening in the conference room...Lots and lots of yelling is emanating from the room, while Jeff stands outside, trying to listen in and respond to questions directed at the android publisher haphazardly using his keyboard)

Terwilliger: No....I....be....lieve....that....we...should......low...er......dis...play.....ad....ver....tis...ing....rates....

[Jeff begins to type the word "assuming", but sneezes...he only types "ass"...Instantaneously, the conference room runs amok with wails and accusations and yells]

"I'm not an ass! You are !!"
"Don't you talk to me like that!"
........
*************************************************************************

To be continued....(due to time constraints)

This email could ONLY come from Chris

2005-01-27T09:55:00.000-08:00

Yes....today we shall take another harrowing and wondrous glimpse into the mind of my brother, Chris Partyka.

....normally, I would say more in my preface and talk about something offbeat and wacky and fanciful, such as glo-in-the-dark snail paste, but after reading this email, I realize that I should just shut up and let the enigmatically psychotic power of Chris take over..So, without further interruption, let the zazziness begin!: (Let me say however that I do not understand how Chris could say he is shy around girls......)
******************************************************************************

so i wanted to wait until i actually HAD the spin featuring ghosts of pasha physically in my hands to start talking about it..
and its next to me now at the computer in the library..
quite honestly,its more of a novelty than anything; something to hang up or put on a shelf, like a funny picture your friend drew in crayon while drunk, or a soccer trophy from when you were a kid..
yes,it is good press..its also a great icebreaker socially, especially for a guy like me who has trouble talking to people
(girls)
something ive noticed about writers
which i can now say accurately since
we have been written about ALOT since oct 24th
is that it must be hard to be a writer,
because the articles weve gotten about this happening in the universe,this occurance, have almost all been pretty much exactly the same.really.
its almost like ive read 20 versions of the same artcile, like "best gig ever the directors cut"
or "best gig ever widescreen"
im waiting for "best gig ever II:prankster pig strikes again"
the other part of this that is so SO weird is that it literally means nothing at all.
and i say this without a trace of bitterness,resentment etc etc anything bad a person can feel..
sitting next to my bands "name in lights"
in the library my thoughts are this:
im very hungry and i should go to the store, i cant wait to go back to work tomorrow, i miss my family, id like to be hanging out with a cute girl today but my desire to do so is outweighed slightly by my desire to geek out on the original final fantasy adapted for playstation, and that i found out theres a new mogwai release but its live sessions or some shit and this pretty much puts a nail in the coffin on my interest in that band, because they havent released a studio recording in too long for my taste and also ive heard about nine bands in burlington who sound like that which means there are probably a hundred thousand mogwai bands in the usa alone.
so i guess im glad that my band
moved away from that sound like a year ago and instead moved toward something of a cross between the little river band and this heat.
also a thought im having is that im glad "hipsters"
are no longer "bitchy"
but now
"demographically agreeable"
and
"nice"
anyway,
like i said im "very hungry"
and id like to get some
"foo foo burritos"
from the
"yuppie veggie mart"
so i bid y'all adieu.
so long,
"writer"

Please support the B.E.R.T. fund!

2005-01-26T10:01:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone. I just wanted to take this opportunity to discuss a very serious and critical matter with all of you.

In the past year, the sightings of a mysterious, unusually tall and black-clad figure have increased tenfold. These sightings are not localized; it has been identified in miscellaneous sightings around the world: the Laplanders call it "Saam Ki Alaant", which is translated into English roughly as "The Night Wisp"; the Chinese Bedouins refer to this figure as "xuang 'al xieouxsoin oue", or 'Ming's Lonely Soldier'...Some Native American Tribes in the Northwest United States refer to it as "umsaaledad", or the "Banished Harbinger of the Spirit World"

But in Central New Jersey, this mystical figure is referred to simply as "Bert".

What do we know of this figure? Is it human? Is it a machine? Is it a figment of the human psyche that has arisen due to increased electronic interference?

We do know that various sightings of this mysterious "Bert" have seemingly existed for millenia; there is even a growing archive of cave paintings for the cro-Magnon/Australopithecus period of human development.

The following are 3 cave paintings that most clearly verify the physical existence of Bert:

Figure 1: Found in Carlsbad Caverns, New Mexico:

Figure 2: Found in the Lascaux caves in France:

Figure 3: Found underneath Rt35, near Woodbridge Center

So what does this all mean? No one can say for sure. However, efforts are underway to resolve this tantalizing mystery once and for all!

2 aspiring Bert-tectives, Jeff Partyka and Brooke Powell, have taken it upon themselves to delve into the deepest, most horrible depths of this riddle. The following is a list of "Bert-acronyms" that have been compiled by Jeff and Brooke thus far: (alternatively, you can refer to Raunchy Talk with Brooke and Patrick for this crucial list)

Bioengineered Endomorphic Robotic Troubadour
Benign Eccentric Robot Trainer
Bad Egg-nog Results in Tetanus
Bind Entrails ReallyTight
Bloody Enzymes Ruined Thursday
Build Ergonomic Reclining Televisions
Blast! Every Ravioli is Trouble
Billowy Entity Referred to as Tobias
Bovine Earwigs Reinvent Trampolining
Buckminster Everfrost Raises Toads
Bastille Emperors Revel in Trout
Belligerent Eels Reward Toughness
Burly Environmentalists Repel Trepidation
Brian E-Town’s ‘Regano Tortellini
Bring Eggs ‘Round Tonight
Burgundy Elf Rekindling Terror
Bludgeoning Entire Reindeer Troops
Blind Eewoks Riding in Trucks
Benedict Eggfizzle is Really Tired

Yes, this is an impressive compilation indeed...but we need YOUR help...we are constantly in search of new leads, new ideas! Send your B.E.R.T. acronym suggestions to bisobert@aol.com (Brooke maintains the master list) or jpartyka@att.net ...Your donation will be greatly appreciated!

Thank you.

My Football and B-movie induced cabin-fever brain death weekend

2005-01-24T10:41:00.000-08:00

Hola!

My foundational thought processes and cognitive organs are severely impaired, as I have endured a weekend where I was snowed in due to an intense blizzard bringing life-threatning chills and panic-ridden media noise. The snow started early Saturday morning and didn't let up until Sunday afternoon, and all the while, I contracted/experienced a perfectly timed cold while being subjected to the horrors of mind-numbingly stupid television. In the end, however, this might be one of the most enjoyable weekends I have ever experienced in my life.

On Friday night, knowing that it would snow heavily during the weekend, I ran to Hollywood video to reap the benefits of my computer-glitch aided MVP. I picked up 3 movies, thus incrementing my free movie total to about 60. I rented the following: (1: One-Eyed Jacks (a western from 1960, I'm starting to get into old movies these days) (2: Barry Lyndon (A Stanley Kubrick classic) (3: Buffalo '66 (a surreal comedy from the late 90's)

The previous weekend, I had purchased a cult classic from Borders bookstore, a DVD entitled 'Hard Rock Zombies'....Now, I have been salivating over the possibility of watching this movie for months -- supposedly, it's a rare movie, and those who have watched it all seemed to agree (based on the IMDB reviews) that it's the ultimate 'so bad it's good' movie......

In situations where I'm about to experience what I feel is an brilliantly unprecedented art form, I will become EXTREMELY IRASCIBLE. Any talking, couch movement, TV tray rustling, unfavorable sunbeam glare, mission-impossible plumb line spider falling from the ceiling, peripherally visual disturbances due to houselights or misplaced digital clocks, etc...MUST be eliminated before I can watch the movie that should (but never does) change my life.

In addition, I was very sick from a cold, so my mission for Saturday was to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. And this mission was widely accepted by all in the house. And I thought to myself, "That's pretty damn cool"...

OK now for the movie: I won't go into the details.....trust me, you would be the one to regret it, not I. For the first 50 minutes, it really does live up to its billing as one of the most ridiculous movies ever...Why? The jokes are terrible, the attempted humor is a disgrace, yet there's this vibe in the movie that's just so addictively silly and fun such that you can't help but loving it. However, this movie WILL indiscriminately slay several million brain cells, with or without alcohol, so you have been warned. You may find yourself twitching and winking uncontrollably afterwards for several hours.

I tried to watch normal television afterwards, but the news networks were absolutely ablaze with blizzard-related panic!....I'm talkin' news updates every 3 minutes for coastal flood warnings, black-ice hysteria, NJ governor soundbytes, etc. Needless to say, there was nothing on television! So I watched 5 more hours worth of movies, in 'One-Eyed Jacks' and 'Barry Lyndon'...Both excellent movies, especially the latter...Stanley Kubrick is a genius.

Sunday brought football to the television screen, and with that brought endless television ads about beer, low brow masculine humor, and plastic women. I've tired of watching sports in recent years because these commercials just shove the values of the viewing demographic down your throat (In this case, 20-45 beer guzzling guys with huge pot bellies)...It makes me depressed. But my masculine side needs to be satisfied occasionally, so I watched the games anyway. Yep, 6 hours of football......In retrospect, maybe this is why I am nauseated..

What is even more damaging to a guy's creative and intellectual faculties than alcohol, drugs, sports, or Fear Factor is football commentary. If you want to hear the essence of brute, cro-magnon masculinity, just listen to football announcers...You will hear sentences that I once thought were too simplistic to be uttered, such as, "Now, the Giants are losing by 10 points. If the Giants can score 10 points in the second half, WHILE holding their opponent scoreless, they won't be losing this game anymore."

....And that was my weekend....I did ABSOULTELY nothing but watching TV, and because of my cold, I was limited to JUST that. I was forced to be happy and stupid for 2 days, and I must say that it was quite a guilty pleasure.

The Secret Baby Party

2005-01-21T10:12:00.000-08:00

Hello..

Today, I'm not in the mood to write a lengthy, verbose post.

However, yesterday, one of my NJL partners-in-crime, Lynn, showed me pictures of increasingly extravagant birthday cakes/parties thrown for her boyfriend's sister's baby that occur monthly. The last of these parties took place celebrating the baby reaching the magical age of 6-months.......................??..

What she didn't tell us, which I learned late last night through clandestine means, was that the extravagance didn't end simply with an overly pricey cake....No, not by a long shot.......I happened to catch a sneak preview of the secret 6-month anniversary party that no one else outside of the Lynn Clan has seen or heard about....yes, in my free time, I go around stalking people at private parties....unless I have a movie to watch....or if there's absolutely nothing on TV.....So I figured, I should post this on my blog for the world to see!

.....Let me just say -- these parties are simply WAY out of hand. There's an arena-sized turnout, the venue just seems way too expensive, and there's even a banner of the baby...Here's a snapshot I took of some ancy revelers waiting to get a sneak peek of the baby:

A Snapshot of My Typical Day

2005-01-20T10:22:00.000-08:00

Hello!

I promise, this post will be a structured one with a real point and tangible direction. However, this may actually turn out to be one of the most unusual posts I have ever written, because of the trite old adage: Truth is stranger than fiction. Yes, this post is dedicated to my daily life, the life of Jeff Partyka and his new haircut. I will focus on the events of yesterday:

7:25 a.m.: Jeff is waking up, feeling violently ill as a result of my Irritable Bowel Syndrome. However, I remain calm, knowing that my physical condition often changes radically within minutes. In fact, I remember a joke on Late Night with Conan O' Brien that almost makes me laugh and throw up at the same time....a very strange sensation....

7:28 a.m.: Jeff drinks some water, takes various vitamin supplements with Witch-Cauldron like names like Aloe Vera, Acidopholis and Flax Seed Extract.....I pick up the bottle labeled 'Oil of Millipede', but decide to take that the following day....Like magic, I feel better and am suddenly ready to tackle the world!

8:20 a.m.: After breakfast, I must now work with -- "The Hair" . This is a delicate an arduous procedure that requires critically high levels of finesse. During the gel and hair drying process, I have begun a ritual in which I start imitating a Barry White voice and saying, "Bring out the love babay...Bring out the love"....but I only sing this if I arrange my hair in the direction that I intend. My hair is quite unruly, so like 2 identical snowflakes being an impossibility, 2 identical rad Jeff hairstyles are also an impossibility. When I'm finished, I complete the ritual by saying, "Ohhhh......yeeeeaaaaahhhhhh"...in my Barry White tone of voice...

8:25 - 9:00 p.m. I drive to work...In the morning, I tend to listen to hard rock/metal CD's, and as of now it all depends upon the day of the week and the level of my morning sourness: These days I stick to hard rock because I generally like my job. However, when I was working in my old job at Merck (which I loathed), I often listened to violent death metal as a form of anger management (which works beautifully, by the way -- metal is very much misunderstood). My favorite bands at the time were: Suffocation, Dark Throne, and Napalm Death. (I can't even describe to you how strange it was to transition between death metal and supreme corporate boredom within a minute or two.)

In the afternoons, I always listen to happy music, so I crank up something whimsical.

9:05 a.m.: I arrive at my desk at work....Half the time, Brooke and Lynn are talking about something humorous, and occasionally, are chaotically flagellating around the office. (One day, I will dedicate an entire post to the random blurbs I hear flying out of the Classified Dept.)

9:55 a.m.: Lynn gives me evil look because I did not mention her in my blog entry about my secret meeting with the Illuminati.

10:35 a.m.: Brooke adorns her new hair with a blondish, fuzzy garment. I tell her that she has "hay hair". Her hair looks like it would fit perfectly in a Kentucky-based high school rendition of "The Princess Bride" or "Heidi" . Brooke then proceeds to flip up her hay hair in preparation for her Ralph Lauren: 18 and up series of commercials.

11:00 a.m.: Lynn threatens me again for no reason whatsoever.

11:03 a.m.: Lynn compliments my awesome new hair for the 7th time in 2 days

11:05 a.m.: Lynn threatens me again for no particular reason.

11:06 a.m.: Lynn crashes into a wall. Lynn is slightly hurt.

11:07 a.m.: I make fun of Lynn for crashing into a wall yet again. Lynn threatens me with various forms of torture, including unnecessary spleen removal, searing gas pain, and a trip to the "Mariah Carie" room...(in which the victim is forced to watch 'Glitter' indefinitely, with eyes propped open in a Clockwork Orange-like manner)

11:15 a.m. - 1:00 p.m.: I regress into computer nerd mode and attempt to write a novel method to ensure form persistence on one of the Event Calendar forms on the Web site. The problem is that the Web site space does not support any meaningful scripting language like PHP or Perl, so I have to pass all form information in the verification script (located in my own personal Web space) via the URL. I write some JavaScript to parse the parameters and place them into the form in the correct order.

1:05 p.m: I write my blog, which at first was going to be about how doctors suck, but it eventually turns into Whatever 2005. I make up a 3rd grade poem about margarine and write about how I always whip whiffle balls that strike my older brother's jewels, which result in loud wails and a treatment involving a salty-scrotum paste.

1:10 p.m - 5:00 p.m: Lynn threatens me 14 times, I talk to Brooke about random subjects like hamburgers and the strangest books we've ever read. All 3 of us trash MarieMonster (the new sales rep with that 80's attitude!) at appropriate moments on IM, email, and hand signals.

5:20 p.m.: I drive home in traffic on snow covered roads. I listen to happy music.

6:00 p.m.: I eat dinner, while my Dad lectures me on obscure economic subjects like the utter necessity of the Alternative Minimum Tax (AMT). I'm hungry and just don't care. At the same time, I'm watching Jeopardy and answering questions about Hungary.

6:45 p.m.: I check my email: Dave, my ultra-academic brother from Harvard, writes me a 15 page email detailing his latest theory tying the golden ratio to Stock Market Behavior. He refers me to a book written in the 40's by Elliott....something...I don't know the last name. The scary part is that I actually understand most of what he is saying.

7:45 p.m: My parents tell me that my oldest brother, Chris, who is surrounded by pure craziness at all times, was caught in the middle of a heroin bust that his roommate was directly invovled in (It appears Chris did not know this until he moved in with that roommate). He was handcuffed, and no has heard anything since. (this is true)

7:50 p.m: I decided that I have had enough of the insane drama surrounding my life. I block out the phone by logging onto Internet, in preparation for 'Lost'

8:00 p.m.: 'Lost' begins. I am mesmerized.

9:00 p.m: 'Lost' ends. I am pleased to have watched another installment of gripping TV.

9:30 p.m - 11:00 p.m.: I begin by burning CD's of my 35 Gigabyte MP3 collection for transfer to my new 120 GB hard Drive, but I get caught up reading "The Book of the Subgenius", perhaps the most creative/humorous/crazy/ridiculous book ever written. I laugh continuously until 11PM.

11:00PM: I eat my daily Peanut-Butter and Jelly Sandwich, take some Canola Oil, some more voodoo supplements, and go to sleep.

11:05PM: While sleeping, I think of some new acronyms for B.E.R.T. (Brooke and I theorize that Bert may be a robotic prototype created by our own government, and so we are devising acronyms in attempt to identify his true purpose)

The end.

Doctors: The Modern Day Voodoo Shaman....wait...I don't feel like being serious today, I wanna be SIWWY WIWWY!!!!SLDFJDOIFJWO;FOIJ: Five Bucks? Sheesh

2005-01-19T11:33:00.000-08:00

Hola!
Once again, due to "The Mid-2o's Mind Fog" and my relentless, irrational obsession with margarine (One of my ongoing fantasies that reoccurs every few days or so is that I drown in a gigantic vat of margarine, but I continue to breathe!. -- my lungs miraculously evolve to breathe margarine -- while scarfing down tons of delicious...mmmmmmm....margarine.........)
...That's the foundation of a quintessential 3rd grade poem!:

_________________________________________
Margarine

by Jeffrey Partyka

I like margarine
it tastes so good!
I wish I could eat a lot of margarine.
But I'm wearing a hood.

I wish I could drown in margarine
But I could still breathe!
All around me is margarine
And I could still breathe!

Air has no taste I don't like air
because it's not margarine.

_________________________________

Anyway, my original intent on writing this blog was to trash the doctors that misdiagnosed me regarding my digestive disorder, thus leading to nearly a year of unnecessary and excrutiating abdominal episodes. However, I've suddenly become more whimsical today and silly and will just write "Whatever" comes to mind, hence "WhateverFest '05'!! (This is a festival that happens...Whenever...)

OK, let me talk about what may be a key moment in my life that has made me more edgy, far less conservative in a behavioral sense, and....dare I say??....more hip?!.....Yes! I actually feel hip today, and contrary to what my stylistically cynical self has repeatedly claimed for my entire life: My IQ has not been reduced to the Josh Hartnett/George W. Bush range of 79 -
86.5....Besides, even if that did happen, I would still be WELL above the Southern Baptist biblical genius range of -256 up to 7.

And what was this key moment, you ask? ....[loud snoring can be heard from all around]...Hey! Wake up!......OK, that's it! You SHALL BE deprived of your daily choco taco that you normally receive for reading my blog!.....[the loud snoring continues]...........[whimper]....OK, fine........:

I got a new hairstyle! I've added colored highlights to my hair!!

I must say that I noticed the changes immediately, in more ways than one. I noticed a marked increase in my hairstylist's attraction towards me: In the past, she would give me this look of "failed potential", as in: Yeah, you're almost my type....but not quite......Now I was quite happy with this arrangement, as I tend not to be turned on by skimpy clothed 'dancer'/hairstylists whose souls are defined by 'Supercuts techno' and whose makeup habits are responsible for the
extinction of over 50 Whale species in the Atlantic Ocean alone!...(Who knows about the Pacific, Indian and Arctic Oceans!)

I noticed, though, that AFTER the addition of my hair highlights, my appearance now took on a theme of the "reformed punk rocker who is struggling to carve out a normal livin'!"...And apparently, I now was the perfect type for the Supercuts techno hair-stylist. I now wanted a haircut to blend in the colors, but I noticed that as she continued to look at my hair, the
amount of hair that was ACTUALLY being cut off was decreasing, while the amount of contact her hands made with my hair and face started to increase. She then started complaining about her boyfriend, that he's always getting bombed, and that she doesn't like it......She then started asking me all sorts of "Do you like to..." questions....

But she is not my target -- bookstore girl is. So I politely looked away and, borrowing from my experiences of listening to masterfully trite sports interviews, I answered in the most boring, inconspicuous way possible, as in: "Well, no, I do not drink often. However, it is not my place to judge the likes and dislikes of others. People are individuals, and if that's
what someone decides....then.....it's OK with me."

When I left, my hairstylist (whose name eludes me at the moment) looked at me as if I was going to be sent away to a Pakistani slave labor camp.........

I will have more to say about my hair in the near future....
***************************************************************************

Years ago, me and my brother Dave would always play this violent game of what we called "Caaaaatch!!". Basically, we would play using either a whiffle ball or a yellow Nerf blast-a-ball (in both cases, we used these balls for their ability to do crazy curves in the air).......We would throw REALLY, REALLY hard, such that we often needed goggles to protect our eyes and
heavy sweatshirts to protect against whiffle-bruises. However, the games would often end prematurely, and it was usually because I had the unfortunate ability to throw an incredibly fast/twisty curve ball that would scream its way into my brother's balls.

I remember one particular occasion: we were playing at Midnight, and my parents were already sleeping upstairs. We were FIRING the whiffle ball at EXTREMELY CLOSE RANGE!....At one point, we were both laughing because we were doing our own version of "Caaatch trash talk", where we would mix Gentlemanly English conduct with Americanized ghetto hot-dogging...Dave came up with a really funny dis, so we both started laughing.....I then fired the whiffle ball
unexpectedly and it did a violently sharp downward turn DIRECTLY into my brother's balls.
Now Dave is one of the toughest people I have ever seen in regards to pain. But after absorbing this blow, he started screaming in bestial agony. My parents woke up believing that Dave had perished in a stabbing induced homicide......

The next day, my brother applied a salt-based paste to his balls.

...Every so often, I'll have ridiculous posts like this one, just to release the violent random energy within my brain that is often stultified by my line of work.

Jeff's Top Secret Black Government Project: Episode 1

2005-01-18T09:45:00.000-08:00

"The Meeting of the Chosen Emissaries..."

SCENE 1:

[It's January 18, 2005, and Brooke has arrived back from her surgery last week. Every few minutes or so, she is describing the procedures and strict dietary regimen that she had to endure before and after the operation to another New Jersey Lawyer co-worker....Jeff enters the scene]..

Jeff: Hey stranger! How are you feeling today??

Brooke: Pretty good, thanks! I still get headaches and the occasional nosebleed, but compared to last week, I really feel that I'm starting to make progress!

Jeff: Good! Good....soon enough, you'll be able to breathe normally again....That's fantastic!

Brooke: Yes...It certainly feels good to be re-inducted into the human race again!

Jeff: And let me say, just for the record: You are way ahead in the ER contest of death!...That cherry wood walking stick and golden casket will most....certainly.....[ahem].. be yours!! [

Brooke: ha ha! The way things stand right now, it'll take a miracle for you to rightfully claim the walking stick!...LOL..

Jeff: [aside].....[with a nervous laugh]...I suppose it will......Yes.....that is a certain.....reality........I'll be back....in.....one......sec-.......ond.......[Jeff displays a vexed, distressed countenance]....[Mysterious orchestral music plays in background -- yet another movie/blog theme ripped from Gustav Holst's "The Planets"]

*************************************************************************
Fun factoid, unrelated to blog: This is true. Gustav Holst's 1928 album entitled, "The Planets", may be the most copied music in history. Almost every movie theme you hear, whether it's a war theme, or a foreboding, worrisome theme, or a theme of jollity and discovery, is ripped from this piece of classical music....John Williams, the composer who wrote all of the music for Star Wars, shamelessly ripped "The Planets".
*************************************************************************

SCENE 2:

[Jeff composes an email in Microsoft Outlook]

_____________________________________________________________
From: Jeffrey Partyka

To: Staff

Subject: Unexpected emergency
_____________________________________________________________

Hello,

Due to an unforeseen life-threatning emergency, I will not be in the office for an undisclosed period of time. In the event that I return safely, please direct all Facts-on-Call order queries to John Grieder. If you have any questions about the Web site, please talk to Robert Coakley. If there are any technical problems with the Web site, please contact Saxotech Support at 1-877-729-6832.

In the event that I do not return, assume that I no longer alive. In this scenario, please inform my parents, Maria and Carl, at 732-721-6607, and my brother Dave at 617-495-1809.

Thank you all for filling my life with indelible bliss and happiness -- in this life and the next!
~Jeffrey L. Partyka

_____________________________________________________________

Scene 3:

[Jeff arrives at the Great Pyramid in Egypt. He is disguised as a Bedouin gypsy, with a black hooded robe..He approaches the entrance of the partially unexplored and controversial subterranean chamber -- but 2 armed guards in camoflauge and sub-machine guns halt me and block the entrance.]

Guard: Stop right there! Where do you think YOU'RE going??

Jeff: ...I have an arrangement with some colleagues of mine...and now, if you'll excuse me...

Guard: May I remind you that encroachment into private property and sacred ground, by the regulations imposed by the Egyptian government and the Holy Foundation of Conservative Islamic Law, results in a penalty of beheading?

[Jeff casually puts down his hood, thus revealing my new haircut -- a messy look with brown highlights intermixed in tar-black hair....Suddenly, the guards begin to alternate genuflections]

Guards: Excuse me...sir....we are truly -- deeply! sorry for the trouble we have caused you....My subordinate here did not know [nervous laugh]...did not realize, that you were one of "the chosen".....May I ask how your genetically-enhanced Peruvian llama is doing at the moment??

Jeff: It's doing very well thank you...I'll overlook this unfortunate bout of negligence....but don't let this happen again!

Guards: Oh thank you! Thank you!! We shall not forget this!
_______________________________________________________________

Scene 4:

[Jeff enters a grandiose, gaudy chamber, adorned with torches, gold-plated designs of various sorts, and beautiful Spanish mystic......Jeff is adorned in a ceremonial robe, with pictures of the Sun, Moon, and Orion constellation demonstrated on the front. He sits at the front of an elongated table into a throne, with 4 others sitting on the sides of the table. Jeff is holding a opal scepter in his right hand and recites a series of metaphysical/celestial incantations]

Jeff: "Ou-la!...Oug- ramad ul saliiiidd!! Ou-la!......Cam-pah! Aroe-alah!"

Others: "Ou-la!...Aroe-alah!"

Jeff: By the power vested in the Ascended Masters of the Illuminati and its Grandmaster of Pestilences and Dark Magick, I hereby induct this convention of the Chosen Emissaries into the Asharic Record.

Others: "Ou-la!"

[all sit down...]

Jeff: The participants must identify themselves, for the purposes of the Asharic Record.
*******************************************************************************

- I am Clay Aiken, ascended master of the Illuminati; I am known in the real world as an up and coming singer who got his start from "American Idol"...I am respected amongst the members of the Illuminati for inventing the electric car.

I am George W. Bush, ascended master of the Illuminati; I am known in the real world as the current president of the United States....I am respected amongst the members of the Illuminati for traveling into the future.....It's true! I did it on the flight here! Did you know that in the future, people drive on the wrong side of the road? Dang nabbit!

misltach! pequeno mas guttenbachers!!Mas!!!! mach!!!!! mach guttenbachrinos de los deportach!! TACH!!...Brach! Brandinoacchen!!

.....and I am the key!
********************************************************************************

What is the purpose of the meeting?
What are the Illuminati up to?
And who is the mystery member of the meeting?

We'll find out in Episode 2........

Beware of the mid-20's mind fog?

2005-01-14T10:43:00.000-08:00

Based on the title, it should be fairly obvious that I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel in terms of blog subjects....(Actually, it could have been much, much worse: Other blog candidates were:

(1: The intricacies of my right outer ear
(2: My outstanding hospital bill (50 dollars my A$$, buckaroo!)
(3: Work Can Be a Very Constructive Activity
(4: Johnny Tremain: A Fine Book

Anyway, I'm currently entrenched in the Friday afternoon daze, and thus, I won't be providing my usual epic of zany emotions and spectacularly pseudo-ludicrous ....ummm......jive!!..??.........erm...???......

And herein lies part of the reason why I named this entry, "Beware of the mid-20's mind fog"......I remember just a few years ago, when I just got out of college, although I didn't know as much as I do now, my mind just felt more hungry, more knife-edged, more vibrant, more.........umm...MORE.............!!only 3 synonyms!!!! O my God!!!

Jeff has taken his own life........and was rebuilt by the eternal Tabernacle....and now Jeff is back to talk once again about the mid-20's mind fog!

......unless you watched the movie Zardoz, you will NEVER understand what the hell I just talked about...LOL....anyway, enough noodlin'....Here's the crux of my problem which I am growing more keenly aware of:

My mind is growing bored, in general, of many things that I once derived a lot of pleasure from. Video games just don't excite me the way they used to, especially in regards to the current trend of increased commercialization. (Most video games are merely part of a movie's or sports hero's marketing campaign..It's so corporate and devoid of imagination...yech!...Bring back the good ol' days of video games in the late 80's/early 90's, when designers had to continually come up with original ideas, and arcade games were this unique kind of hyperspeed/surrealistic violence.....Absolutely brilliant art..) I used to really thirst at the prospect of a new academic endeavor, like learning a new computer programming language, or reading a cyberpunk novel, or doing some computer art....However, these days, I find each of those activities kinda shallow and boring.......

It's not that I haven't found new activities to take their place: I have...The problem is that I just don't the mental passion, the fire that I used to have.

Maybe it's not a problem at all, maybe it's natural individual evolution. Maybe its simply that I am more satisfied in my life, and don't really have this desperate need to learn stuff as a remedy for a lack of self-confidence.....I dunno....

Wait, but there's more: I remember when I used to go to parties where everyone was older than me and would just chill and smoke pot (Well, being intensely straightedge, I never did, but everyone else did). We would watch some really weird movie and everyone would just vegetate.....There used to be a thrill there for me, because of its novelty....I mean, yeah, that CAN be a good time every so often now (and it's absolutely necessary at times, I'll be the first to agree with that). But I've grown very tired of these kind of parties......I, personally, would LOVE TO do different stuff at a party, like dress up in costumes and script/act out a play in 1 hour or less, or discuss gothic poetry, or whatever...I don't want to just watch people get bombed and pass a bong around anymore while watching 'Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow".... It's just so fu*king boring to me... more than that, it's depressing, and I'd rather read a Russian novel....Then again, few understand the horrible power of 'Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow' until they've actually watched it! mwahahaha!!!!

The movie "Garden State" perfectly illustrates the kind of party that I've grown tired of....BTW, that movie is the PERFECT snapshot of what it's like to live in NJ as a mid-20's person in 2004. Great movie.

I don't want this post to seem like an exercise in self-pity or attention grabbing, because that's not the intention...I'm very happy in my life now....but it just seems like the more I advance into my 20's, the more hazy and confusing the world and life is becoming to me -- especially as I understand the world and life more clearly...??? Now that's an interesting sentence....

Hopefully, I'll feature less introspection next week! Ciao!

Feedback, followed by a modern-day Hollywood Video Miracle

2005-01-13T10:35:00.000-08:00

First off, thank you so very much for the fantastic feedback I received concerning my last blog entry! What really struck me about both suggestions were how starkly different yet individually sensible they were.

Brooke's idea, I think, is nothing short of brilliant -- especially from a subconcious standpoint. I was thinking about it, and although it will require some preemptive planning and 15 minutes of a friend's time (or 15 minutes of a hobo's time, along with a bottle of whiskey...which might work out even better...hmmmm..) , the end result could not only get me a date with Agent Bookslave, but provide a subliminal foundation of confidence and integrity within her mind whenever she looks at me...It's like a form of mind control!

OK, this is how I see the situation playing out: I get a friend to play the role of an extremely talkative, annoying, disheveled, and ultra-bookish customer that just WON'T stop talking to her about inaccessible subjects like the early days of the Pony Express (...Come to think of it....This guy's stealing my role in real life!...j/k.). After a few minutes of this, I'll come in and rescue her from this horrible situation by asking her whether the store carries a certain book. If all goes well, then the "annoying customer" will leave, we can deride him for a few seconds, and wallah! We're on our way. Also, due to this event, when she sees me, she might subconciously think: "Hey It's Jeff!....Good...Jeff is Good."

On the other hand, Butterscotch's approach is much more direct and concise: take your shot, and whatever shall be shall be, which I think a lot of people can appreciate. It also is the quickest method for relieving the exhausting, meandering tendencies of my imagination. The only problem with this approach is that I can't drink coffee due to my Irritable Bowel Syndrome (I could imagine the situation:

"Hey, wouldyouliketogooutforcoffee?? WellnotcoffeeexactlybecauseIhaveIrritableBowelSyndromeandbecauseofthatitmakesmeviolently
ill!!!..................I'm Jeff!"

....ahh, screw it, I'll drink Sanka instead.....Perhaps I can combine the 2 approaches into 1 grand super-approach!

Anyway, thanks for the feedback, it is much appreciated....Lately, I've been talking a LOT about my hilariously convoluted dating life, and while it's fun, it is also very draining for me to recount every last detail of every last ridiculous situation.

So now, I am going to talk about something extremely insignficant and materialistic that is making me very HAPPY at the moment..

OK, so I rent movies at Hollywood Video, and I love this one offer they feature called MVP. This stands for Free Movie Pass, and the deal goes as follows: If you pay $10.99/month, you can get 3 movies from the "Film Library" every 5 days, and it costs you NOTHING!....I signed on to this offer in November of last year, and every 5 days, I went back on got 3 more movies for free. November eventually ended, and with that, my MVP membership ended..or so I thought.

However, around Christmas time, I rented 7 movies. As I was preparing to pay, I was told that the cost of the 7 movies (3 DVD) was $4.29.....I looked confused: How could 7 movies cost $4.29??? I assumed that the guy made a mistake, and I asked him how 7 movies could possibly cost less than 5 dollars...He assured me that $4.29 was all that I had to pay, and so I stopped arguing with him....I got out of there with a lucky discount....or so I thought.

I went back last week, picked up 3 movies, and as I was preparing to pay for my movies, I hear the cashier say, "OK, you're all set to go!".....Muddled I was, so I flat out told the guy, "Look....Am I still on MVP? I shouldn't be, I thought it expired last month". Once again, I got into an argument with the cashier where I argued that I SHOULD pay for my movies, and that he was making a mistake....

After a 3 minute struggle, I thought to myself, "OK Jeff, if they don't want you to pay for your movies, then fine, make them happy!" So I pretended like I was confused about the whole bit and said, "Sorry about that...It's the end of the week, I guess I'm tired".....(it was 12 noon)

I went again to the store, and ONCE AGAIN got movies for free, even though I know for a fact that my MVP has expired a while ago....I am absolutely positive...

So I'm left with one possible explanation: there must have been some computer glitch or data entry error that affected my MVP status, and somehow, this resulted in me having -- PERMANENT MVP!!!!

That's right: I strongly believe that I can rent pretty much any movie I want in the store for free, permanently!..

Life is goooood! LOL!!

Whose line should I use anyway?

2005-01-12T11:22:00.000-08:00

Per yesterday's blog, I need your help:

If Agent Bookslave regularly arrives at Borders on Sunday nights, then I have a shot -- in theory, at least.. It's quite possible that she is either married or has a writer/19th Century English Literature expert/missle defense shield commander/boyfriend......but what IS working in my favor is that I've never heard her say the words "darling", "dahling", "daaahling" (or any of its variants), "honey", "sweetie", or "handcuffs", so yaaay!!...Besides, ignorance is bliss, and so as far as my denial-ridden brain concerned, I still have a shot.

Now the problem is as follows: She's incredibly quick, and moves like a piece of paper in a tornado. This means of course that my window for talking to her is incredibly small -- maybe 3 seconds at the most......Furthermore, she is always surrounded by drooling hairy guys with enormous beards who try to impress her with their knowledge of obscure sci-fi literature. Thus, talking to her when she's (A: by herself (B: In a single physical point on the surface of the Earth (c: Obeying the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- is quite a task!

What this means, of course, is that I need a line!

Here's the deal with that: I'm NOT a bar guy, I'm not comfortable in the bar meat market, and I'm not the type of guy who dreams of that ultimate line/fake scenario that lands any gal. However, in this special situation, I NEED the magical power of the barfly to get the attention of Agent Bookslave. It's the only way!

So I'm asking for everyone's help out there. I'm utterly confused about my approach, even at the most basic level. Should I be incredibly aggressive and rely on primoridial male bluntness? Or should I use a wittier, more clever approach -- perhaps cite Lord Byron with a slight English accent? S.O.S!

Now, on and off, I thought of a few ideas of my own, but each one is wrought with horrible possibilities:

(1: Maybe I should see what she's reading, and then comment on it!

Pros

- It's believable
- The subject of my opening conversation is given to me
- If it's something I am interested in, then we have a common bond!

Cons

- What if the book is about something that I know nothing about, like: "The Complete Encyclopedia of Essential Oils"? What will my line be? Something like, "Essential Oils, eh??Ummm.......that's......good!....yeah...umm....goood....it sure......issszz.....ermm.."

- What if the book is about something that I know a lot about but I also LOATHE, like "Saturday Night Live: A Retrospective of the Stars"...If I don't control my angry cynicism, I might say, "That is such a stupid, stupid, STUPID show..It NEVER MAKES ME LAUGH, EVER!!..I'd rather watch the Andy Griffith Show than this piece of crap! And if you're reading this book, then you must like this shitty show! And that means you're stupid!! [Jeff makes demonic growl, is restrained by her unofficial bodyguards, the drooling hairy Russian guys]...Oh, I'm Jeff! :-)

(2: Maybe I should sing to her, just like in old movies!

Pros:

- Some girls like a throwback approach
- It's very bold and illustrates confidence
- If you're a good singer, then you're golden! Think of Bobby Darin! If he won over Sandra Dee by singing, then I can win over some non-Hollywood girl by singing! Woohoo!

Cons

- Some girls do NOT like a throwback approach, and consequently start throwing large, solid objects at the guy immediately.
- I may get thrashed by a homophobic musclehead dragged to Borders by his ultra-dainty girlfriend.
- If you're not a good singer, then laughing will commence from all directions
- Even if you are a good singer, it may not be the best idea to imitate Bobby Darin to woo a girl: "Splish Splash! I was taking a bath!"......
**********************************************************************************

.....Well anyway, my situation has been laid out....And now I ask you: help me help....myself....??......Thank you!

Agent Bookslave -- The Return!

2005-01-11T10:46:00.000-08:00

Hola!

Before this weekend, I intended on giving everyone a DOUBLE dose of my dating disaster stories, with the second one detailing my freakishly coincidental meeting with Agent Bookslave. (I still don't know her name, though)...However, certain events this weekend have changed my blogging plans, perhaps for the better. Who knows? This may end up being one of THE all-time classic dating disaster stories, but for now, the unique and mysterious lore and lure of this girl continues to be written into the annals of my incredibly strange dating history. So this post will detail what has happened in recent days....

OK, so pretty soon after my first dating disaster story with Agent Bookslave, she mysteriously disappeared. Even more to my dismay, she was replaced by a couple of tall, disheveled, full-bearded 45 year old guys (probably named Gustov or Nikoli -- or Gustov Nikoli -- I betcha they were former citizens of the USSR who escaped oppression and personal repression by dreaming about all things American (roads paved with gold, Statue of Liberty, Alpha Bits, yada yada) and by reading 1 whole Russian novel.) I remember I tried to commence a conversation with one of those guys once with a regular statement, something like, "Hey, so Sunday nights look insanely slow around here....uggghh..."....Nikoli then ranted for 5 minutes about Isaac Asimov, followed by Slaughterhouse 5, followed by upcoming Canadian new age/celtic music greats...I walked out of the store with an intriguing, confusing silence.

Obviously, I didn't like this turn of events in Borders of East Brunswick, so a couple of weeks ago, I set out on a new quest - to frequent a NEW bookstore! Specifically, Barnes and Noble, at the Menlo Park Mall..

Now, here's where things get really weird...I've been to this mall before at least 10 times, and I would get there via Route 1. But on this Sunday night, for whatever reason, I just could NOT find the turn-off....In fact, I traveled this stretch of road TWICE!...and both times, I just didn't see a turn off to the mall. I was muddled beyond belief; it's possible that some pesky vandals damaged the turn-off sign on that particular night, and the sign was replaced the following day...It's also possible that I just had some timed brain fart that caused me to miss this turn-off. I'm usually very good with following directions (although I was lucky to get out of Chrome alive...LOL..That's when I learned the skill of driving while ducking below the windshield) ..

So I got frustrated and said, "Fine! I'll go to Borders......Maybe it's my fate to end up at Borders amongst incredibly hairy Russian guys who know everything about Isaac Asimov and experimental robotics....[10 minute tear episode followed]" At this point, though, I started to wonder if maybe this was happening for a reason beyond my understanding...

I get to Borders, I'm expecting nothing, just flipping through various magazines. And then, from out of nowhere -- Agent Bookslave is directly in front of me! Even more amazingly, at this very moment, on the Borders store sound system, I hear some romantic/sexy 80's saxophone music!!

It was at this very moment that I became Mike Hammer, private investigator (anyone remember that show? In every episode, he always saw this beautiful, mysterious woman who would give him these lustful looks, while sexy saxophone music was playing in the background....[chuckle].I love the 80's :-) )

I had a chance to talk to her for a minute, but I couldn't think of anything to say....But no, that's not all.....She has this paralyzing effect on me.....I'm usually very relaxed around girls/women, but with her, she becomes Medusa and I get turned to stone. So instead I chose the cowardly path and pretended to read some random magazine while sneaking peeks at her. She then quickly disappeared from my site after about 30 seconds...I put down my 'Young Suburban Mothers' weekly (including a special 15 page feature on the pros and cons of breast feeding) , shuddered in horror when I looked at the magazine I pretended to read, and then shuddered in horror again as I saw Agent Bookslave buying something and preparing to leave..Damn she's fast!...

She left soon after, but I truly got the sense that as she was leaving, that she wanted to talk to me.....Then again I'm quite delusional, but I really believed that. I left the store once again in disappointment, wondering why I just can't muster the guts to talk to this girl...I thought I blew my one last shot at her...

However, this Sunday, I'm buying a classy gift for Lynn's birthday (a DVD entitled 'Buttcrack'...it's an English movie about the specifics of method acting in the late 19th century...j/k...well, the English part could very well have been true....) and guess who I see, surrounded by hairy Russian guys? Agent Bookslave!!!! If she comes by regularly on Sundays, then guess what? She's in play for me once again! Woohoo! Jeff happy today's moon :-)

In my next post, which I'll make in a little bit, I'll need the help of the blogger community -- stay tuned..

Jeff's Dating Disasters: Episode 4 (part 2)

2005-01-07T09:25:00.000-08:00

Hola!

First off, I want to preface the conclusion of my latest recounted disaster with this statement:

I don't understand why these situations keep happening to me -- personally, I think that God has chosen me to be one of his court jesters/fools after I die. My entire life is merely a test to see if I can live up to this predetermined fate. It really won't matter what kind of life I lead, in regards to morality. I can imagine the conversation I will have with God on my personal Judgment Day:

***********************************************************************************
Jeff: God, I'm really sorry for all the terrible stuff I did in my life: the lies, the apathy, the lack of compassion for others, the stealing, my desire for money and other superficial material goods, that pen I stole from the Post Office - I swear, I had no idea that I took the pen until I took it out of my pocket at home! Please God, forgive me!...

God: Jeff, Jeff Jeff......Relax!...Sure you did all that bad stuff, I know that!....and you'll pay accordingly!...But let me clue you in on something: I created you to be one of my right hand funny men!...And you're scheduled to go on in 5! Now get going Jeff! We'll get to this final ultimate judgment of yours some other time, when you have an opening in your schedule....Chop chop!
********************************************************************************

..........and with that being said, it's time to get to Part 2 of my dating disaster story!...If you'll recall from yesterday's post, I had lunch with Melissa (AKA: Lolita), and I ran off after she unknowingly reminded me several times of the fact that she physically looked like a minor, even though she was my age....and that night, I went to a Sonic Youth concert in Philadelphia, as I was eager to shake off my sexually mind-boggling lunch with some atmospheric guitar feedback and indie-rock culture geeks -- the exact opposite of the dating world.

So I'm there, just kinda hanging out, when I see this pretty girl all by herself wandering aimlessly just like I am. Now for a single guy on the prowl, the real test for an opportunity isn't the very first sighting of a girl, but 5 minutes after the first sighting. Usually in situations like these, the girl's 6'6 boyfriend/protector/deadlift world-record holder/Desert Storm War Hero is in the bathroom or parking the car. And a couple of minutes later, he's clutching her as they demonstratively showcase their love....But in this case, I saw this girl about 10 minutes later walking around, and she was still by herself! So Jeffy had an opportunity....and this girl actually looked my age!
________________________________________________
Jeff's Brain Says:

% Likelihood that girl is > 18 years of age: 65.1%
_______________________________________________________________

So I introduced myself and we started talking...Her name was Diane, and immediately, she passed the first test of mine -- she was intelligent..In fact, she was extraordinarily intelligent, as she routinely discussed fairly complicated and obscure subject matter with me, from Sonic Youth-like music to sociology to whatever else came to mind. Needless to say, I was impressed!

_______________________________________________________________
Jeff's Brain Says:

% Likelihood that girl is > 19 years of age: 88.7%_______________________________________________________________

As we listened to the bands, we talked a bit about music and such.... Although I don't remember exactly what she said, I remember a few of the sentences she spoke -- stuff like:

"I tend to prefer older bands from the early 80's as opposed to 90's and beyond....."

I thought, "Old is good!...Old is good.....Yes indeed!!...Where was this sentence during my lunch with Melissa??Argggh!!!"

She also said something like, "I love Hemingway!....Especially his older works, such as The Sun Also Rises. I just love the classics, don't you?"

Now I couldn't care less about classic literature at the time...But it didn't matter -- she continued to project herself to be my age -- or even beyond! So I responded with something like, "Yes, I just can't get enough of the classics...Man, those writers from years ago are the ones for me, let me tell ya!"....
_______________________________________________________________

Jeff's Brain Says:

% Likelihood that girl is > 20 years of age: 96.5%
_______________________________________________________________

So when the show was nearly over, it really seemed that we had some chemistry. There was a real possibility, and we both felt it. It was alluring! I must admit that although I would NEVER ever go on a one-night stand with a girl (I'm far too conservative for that), I thought about it a little. Everything just worked too well.........

And just when we were both walking out of the venue to the parking lot, just when I was on the verge of breaking out of my moral/conservative sexual shell, she uttered some words that I will never, ever forget...words that did so much more than merely slice through me....they gave me a story I was meant to pass down to future generations:

"...Oh man, it's late, and I still have A.P. history homework that I have to do.....Oh! Hey Dad!"

.........Let me tell you something: NOTHING deflates a sex drive quite like the sentence above. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Jeff's brain was DEAD WRONG!...

I stood there in absolute amazement; in the previous second, I was a stallion on the verge of exploring life and the world with my soulmate, and in the next second, I was a disgusting pedophile being glared at angrily and suspiciously by Diane's hard-nosed Dad. To this day, I have never, ever experienced such a radical change in fortune in such an amazingly short period of time.

She said, "Bye Jeff!". I waved my hand...and then I waved my arms up in the air, as I walked back to my car. I then started laughing, more out of insanity than anything else...

Later I found out that she was only 16 at the time of the show (we exchanged email addresses during the show, and she wrote to me once) .....

So what's the lesson from this latest episode of my dating disasters?:

"When talking to a dateable girl, distract her long enough so that you could rummage through her purse in an attempt to find out her actual age".

Jeff's Dating Disasters: Episode 4 (part 1 -- it's a long story)

2005-01-06T09:11:00.000-08:00

Hola mis amigos y amigas!!

After the vote, it appears that I should just do the sensible thing and tell BOTH stories...But I will start with the story that won the vote:

The 16-21 girls!!
*******************************************************************************

Let's meet the players

During my last semester of college, I happened to meet 2 different girls at roughly the same time:

(1: The first was named Melissa, an extremely cute, artsy, and the smallest girl I have ever seen...You'll get an idea of just how small this girl was, it was INSANE!........Anyway, due to her extreme petite-ness, she really looked a 16 year old girl, but in reality, she was 21 -- my age!

(2: And the second girl was named Diane, an extremely cute and normal sized girl whom I met at a Sonic Youth concert in Philadelphia. She was petite, but not nearly to the degree that Melissa was petite...Also, she seemed much more intelligent than Melissa (not that Melissa was stupid, but Diane was very smart, almost precocious) and regularly talked about fairly advanced and obscure subject matter with ease, including sociology, post-rock bands of the 90's like Sonic Youth, etc...

But there was one little problem -- Though she looked and acted 21, she was actually 16! (I didn't know this until much later, however)

(3: And then there's Me, the perpetually confused and sexually bamboozled Web geek that is continually caught within increasingly complex and convoluted dating situations, thus providing unlimited laughs for the world around me, and unlimited awkwardness -- just for me!
*******************************************************************************

OK, so my perception with Melissa was as follows: She was really cute, and she was very attracted to me, which are both huge pluses. However, I needed some way minimize/block out the fact that she looked 16. So I figured, "If I can just direct the conversation away from the legal age for sexual activity and focus on the fact that she's MY AGE, I will be fine!..Or I can get her to take up smoking and drinking....either way..."Sounds easy, right?

Now, let me discuss the day I had lunch with Melissa, which happened to be the same day I met Diane at the Sonic Youth concert.....

So at noon, I was in a computer lab (I worked as a computer consultant in college) and Melissa's class came into the lab (I met her this way)...we had already talked and flirted a couple times before that, so lunch/dinner was a possibility......And remember, I kept saying to myself, "She's 21.....She's 21..." At one point, she asked me to hold on to her coat as she had to make a phone call outside of the lab...I take the coat...a minute later I look at the coat -- it's REALLY small...not just petite, but literally 7-year old girl size.....I say to myself panicking, "Omigod! She's lying about her age! She's 17! No, 16! No, even younger than that! She's a child prodigy who enrolled at age 11! I betcha she speaks a dozen languages and has memorized Mozart's operas and played them on violin at age 6!! She then attended Juliard at age 8!!, and....."........I then slapped myself a few times and remembered, "She's 21!!!!GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF MAAAN!!...DON'T LET THIS LITTLE OBSTACLE HAMPER YOU!!!! SAY IT AGAIN!....SHE'S 21!...SHE'S 21! BREATH DAMMIT!........much better.....she's 21.......there.....[exhale]"

She then came back and asked me to lunch...she said "Hey Jeff, the day's still young, wanna grab some lunch?".....I gulped, regained my composure and said, "Sure!.....That sounds like a...grand..old...idea!"....

So at lunch, I maintained a similar attitude: "She's 21, she's 21".......So we're talking, and Melissa starts talking about a family gathering she went to.....She mentioned how she was sitting at a table with her cousins from Colorado, or something, and they kept talking about Melissa, saying things like, "Look at her! She's so cute! She looks like a little rag doll you can just toss around! You said you're 21?! No, I don't believe it! You're maybe....15...16 at the most!".....

I responded, "umm.....yeah....You're not.....six[cough]teen!.....No way....[nervous laugh]....that's completely ridiculous, that's what I say!!....Sixteen....hump!"

I tried to change the subject, but every time I did so, she kept bringing up another conversation topic that just reminded me of her physically illegal appearance....She then talked about "how video games in their infancy were much more fun and interesting than games these days"

I responded, "ummm....[cough][cough]......well I think it all depends on how you look at it...those video games are... older and so we naturally value those games that are from the older generations, as they are wiser and more mature and more seasoned..[cough]"...

She said, "...wiser and more mature and seasoned?...What are you talking about??"...

eventually, the subject was changed..yeah that was a stupid point on my part, but I needed to create my own distraction so that I could maintain at least a semblance of sexual harmony.....and then she talked about one of her friends, a political science major, and how she was constantly trumpeting the fact that the voting age should either stay at 18 or be increased to 21......Melissa disagreed however: "I personally think the voting age should be DECREASED from 18 to 16!...C'mon, I would think by the time people are 16, they could make their own decisions about whom they should choose!"

That was the capper for me....Sexually, I was totally out of whack: I realized at that moment that lunch needed to end immediately, so I had to come up with some kind of excuse, no matter how lame, right then and there....So I said:

"I've got to go teach...umm...yeah.this class.....see ya!"...And I darted out of there....

All I heard in the distance as I was running away was, "Teach? Wait, Jeff!"

....I talked to her a couple more times after that, but the attraction wasn't there after the lunch debacle.....and I didn't really mind either...

Next post: I will talk about what happened later that night at the Sonic Youth concert, where I met Diane...

Check out my Flash photo shuffler!! (right below the title)

2005-01-04T16:44:00.000-08:00

Woohoo! It works!....I'll mix up the pics every once in a while -- a little bit from parties, a little bit from the weirder parts of Sayreville, still a touch more from my French wine tasting-on-stilts club, and a final iota from the gay pride exobiology conference in which I participated -- from deep in the heart of Texas...Yeeeehaaaawww!!!!!

The Pit is back!

2005-01-04T16:42:00.000-08:00

Yes, after a brief hiatus into the wonderfully weird world of male porn, at exactly 7:40 PM EST, the blog is once again incoherent and bizarro.

And regarding my odd jobs below -- let us never speak of them again.....

Odd jobs of mine (old and new)

2005-01-04T16:00:00.000-08:00

This is my secret weekend job in the City (check out my build maan!):

...And this was my old job before I got into New Jersey Lawyer...As you can see, I lost my build in order to better appease my the Bohemian Internet crowd I was surrounded by:

Oh yeah?

2005-01-04T11:00:00.000-08:00

Lynn you are evil. Post whatever mean pics you want, at least my boobs are real.

Me, with Lynn, who is dressed as me (note the fake boobs)

Surprise Surprise

2005-01-04T10:51:00.000-08:00

Look who has entered as a guest poster on The PiT! Yours truly, ME!

I just stopped in to show you two pictures that capture the true spirit of...BROOKE!

Enjoy

Jeff's Dating Disasters: Episode 4

2005-01-04T10:00:00.000-08:00

Hello Hello!

Welcome to yet another edition of my dating disaster stories, which showcases, in all its glory, my nightmarishly hilarious track record in the dating scene..But through it all, I pick out an inspiring educational lesson to be learned while entertaining you all in the process with my unique penchant for unintentional romantic destruction.

Now, I have a choice: I've been tossing about 2 separate episodes in my head. One episode happened about 4 years ago, and it involves 2 girls I was sorta seeing at roughly the same time: one who was 21 but looked 16, and another who was 16 but looked 21.......The other episode just happened this Sunday night -- it was the return of "Agent Bookslave", via an amazing, almost supernatural twist of fate!...and with the EXACT same end result(This incident made me realize that fate is real, but that it can be very, very cruel.....and from dark humor standpoint, hilarious!)

Hmmm.....what should I do......OK, I am in a dictatorial mood, so I'll decide, and me alone! Mwahaha!!!!.......No, but it would actually be a lot more fun if I let the readers decide! OK, let's do that!!

Please vote for the dating disaster story you want to hear...

(1: The 16-21 girls
(2: Agent Bookslave - The Return!

A present for you!

2005-01-03T18:54:00.000-08:00

Since you were so thoroughly terrified by the drunken Christmas Eve picture that I posted on my blog, I thought it would be really funny, to post a worse one on yours.

I present to you: Ninja Action Brooke Drunk On Christmas Eve. With Tounge Out Option.

This is one of the grossest pictures that I have ever seen of myself. You should be honored.

I do have a New Year's Resolution!

2005-01-03T10:46:00.000-08:00

Yes, I actually do!

Now, I had a fairly crazy New Year's weekend, complete with mysterious and slightly creepy pictures, wild revelry, drunken rampages, The Bong, and John Waters movies. Throw in some violent Irritable Bowel Syndrome related reactions on my part, and there you have a weekend that will never, ever be forgotten in the annals of my history.

And to give you a preview of tomorrow's blog -- I saw "Agent Bookslave" yesterday at Borders by an amazing twist of fate! It was something right out of a Mike Hammer episode (there was even the sexy, lascivious 80's saxophone music blaring in the store sound system! More on this tomorrow!)

But today, I want to briefly discuss my New Year's Resolution, and it came to me after reading my "Dating for Dummies" book my Mom gave me 5 years ago for Christmas....[INSERT DERISIVE AUDIENCE LAUGH HERE].....[Jeff sniffles]....There's some great advice in this book! DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME!..........On second thought.....yeah.......yeah you can....OK, whatever...

So the other day, I was bored and randomly flipping through old, useless books in our family's incredibly random mini-library in the basement. First, I glanced at a National Audubon Society book on North American Birds, and I learned more than I ever wanted to know about the Yellow Warbler. Next, I glanced at an Electronics Mathematics textbook.......Although its inherent boredom nearly sent me to an early expiration, I finally understood a trigonometry concept that bugged me for years: I UNDERSTAND THE USE AND PURPOSE OF TRIGONOMETRIC TABLES!! Thus, I actually know what sin, cos, and tan really are!...

But this excitement only lasted for about 10 seconds when I realized that not once have I ever actually applied the concept of trigonometry EVER!....So threw that book to the side and took out the King James version of the bible....I opened up a random page and found the Book of Numbers...I read one passage, and it was God saying something like the following (without the outdated English vernacular, of course):

"If ye do not follow me, then you will suffer, and your children will suffer, and your children's children will suffer, and your children's grandchildren will suffer, and your children's children's grandchildren will suffer...."

(You don't hear that passage too often at Church, do ya? You only hear Jesus' parables and the most well-known stories.......)

*******************************************************************************
Curious Bible Factoid: God has a completely different characterization between the Old and New Testaments...In the Old Testament, he is often angry, vengeful and wrathful...In the New Testament, he is a sweet old guy, with almost no hint of anger at all....Hmmm....
*******************************************************************************

After reading that passage, I nearly died of cardiac arrest, so I put that down and took out the infamous "Dating for Dummies" book.....I opened up a random page and saw:

Q: "What Happens If I Cut The Cheese During a Date?"

A: "Well, this is a situation that everyone hopes this doesn't happen to them. But inevitably, it will happen to someone, so for that unlucky man/woman, don't make too big a deal of it, open a nearby window, and say, 'Excuse me.'..."

Obviously, I became more interested after reading this passage, so I continued....I flipped to another random page and saw the following tip on preparing for a date at a restaurant:

"If you really want to be slick, go to a restaurant the day before, and explain to the manager that you are going to eat with a date the following day. Then arrange to have the credit card payment of the check done right then and there...The next day, when it's time for the check, all you need to do is nod in the direction of the waiter/waitress, and everything's taken care of!"

OK, now on one hand, I understand the value of this advice....But on the other hand, there's an underlying assumption here: If you look cool or slick, then you'll have a successful date and be on your way to a potentially successful relationship.

My problem with this advice is that I don't strive to look "cool" anymore. (I tried this for 25 years, and not only did the group I was trying to impress get nothing out of it, but I got nothing out of it...At least when I do what I want, I get something out of it, so it's 1-0) Now, based on my dating disaster stories, it's apparent that I've learned surprising little based on my experiences (although I've provided a tremendous amount of entertainment), but if there's one thing I have clearly learned over the last few years, it's that I don't want to play a role, or be part of a sham to impress someone, or be ultra-hip at all times in front of anyone. I want to be myself, whether it's cool or horrendously uncool. I don't have the time or energy to prepare a "witty retort notebook" or know everything about Oriental cuisine in Manhattan, etc...

If this means I look foolish or stupid every so often, then so be it. Besides, I don't think I would be attracted to anyone who was floored by a trick like the one described above.

And so this is my New year's Resolution: "To be myself even more than I am today, and to simply enjoy all of life's moments, even the embarrassing or self-denigrating ones"

Now go out and spread your deficiencies to the world! It's fun! :-)

My fabulous but stinky toes

2004-12-30T07:05:00.000-08:00

OK, so today, I spent about 20 minutes thinking about a blog topic...Many intriguing, phantasmagorical, and mundane topics came to mind and were suggested to me by others:

- My last meal on death row (Hmmmm.....should I try something new, or stick to an old standby?)
- Another Dating disaster classic (trust me: I have MANY, MANY more.......MANY more........)
- My aversion to being/acting 'cool', which I was reminded of after reading a "Dating For Dummies" book for 5 minutes....
- The list of New Year's Resolutions I fail miserably in meeting every year...
- My obsession with Ken Jennings (BTW, he's gonna be back next year in Feb/March, in a Jeopardy Hall of Fame tournament! I'm not kidding!!)

- Different ways to stack up butter in a pizza restaurant (You too can make your own creamy Stonehenge from rectangular-cuboid butter packets! Woohoo!)

But upon thinking about each of these exhilarating subjects, I found that I simply wasn't in the mood....Until at work, I bumped my toes into the wall by accident....It was at this moment that I discovered my blog topic for today: The fact that despite my various flaws, including chicken-wing shoulder blades, my unibrow tendency, the nearly-invisible blonde freak hair that grows on my right outer ear, and .....many more......[cough] :

MY TOES ARE AMAZING,!!!
...but they are stinky.....

OK, so the perfect demonstration of this statement was on Monday night, when I was cutting my toenails...Now, first off, I must say that for me, personally, the act of cutting one's toenails is one of the very few activities that I MUST set aside time for without disturbance from ANY other element of my life: When cutting my toe nails: I can't carry on a conversation, I can't watch TV, I can't drive, I can't cook (well, I can't cook regardless), I can't shower (well, I don't shower, regar --- never mind!), I can't mow the lawn, I can't write my blog, I can't theorize about the meaning of life, I can't read, I can't play shuffleboard, I can't play ping-pong, I can't bake cookies, I can't breakdance, I can't eat finger food, I can't arm wrestle, I can't hang up pictures, I can't paint I can't knit, and I can't takedown burglars using my insufficient repertoire of quasi-taekwondo maneuvers.........and the reason for this aforementioned load of crap is because I must be STARING at my toes alertly as I cut my toe nails.

Anyway, I take off my left sock, and after being temporarily mesmerized by an "Ocean's 12" trailer (There's just SO MANY stars! And all in one movie! hee hee!), I looked at the toes of my left foot, and I was seriously blown away! I realized an inescapable fact -- my toes are sexy as hell! The reasons are as follows:

(1: Each toe is evenly curved on the left of the nail and on the right.
(2: My toes currently do not possess any warts or dry, crinkled skin, or mysterious discolorations.
(3: The nail size is just right for each toe -- and I don't possess that dreaded, hideous, left-pinky knife toe that my father's side is cursed with. However, if my toe nails grow long enough, my left pinky may still be used as a fairly effective stabbing tool. (I once accidentally stabbed my brother in the leg using my left pinky toenail -- he exacted a measure of revenge by accidentally cutting that VERY SAME TOE with his left incisor tooth.)

(4: Neither toe is too fat nor too thin: they are consistent in width.

So after making these observations, I commenced with my toe nail cutting routine -- I shut all blinds, disconnected the phone, logged off the Internet, and sealed myself in "The Box".

Now I was cutting my toe nails....and I relapsed into a fairly disgusting habit, after several months of abstinence: I once again began sniffing my toenails......

*****************************************************************************
A Brief Jeff Confessional (I am in a dank room with concrete walls, a bright overhead lamp, and a single chair in the middle of the room)

-- "I don't know why I do it....I guess in some sick way it makes me feel good about myself...As I cut away the nail, I symbolically feel that I cut away another part of the poison -- WITHIN MY SOUL!.......Well, actually, I crave Limburger cheese, and the smell of my toe nails are about as close as I can get to the real thing.........Can I go now?"
*****************************************************************************

Anyway, upon sniffing my toe nails, I once again understood just how smelly my toes/toe nails really are.......

How ironic: my toes are beautiful from close-up, and so putrid from even closer-up..

FIN

Crazy Christmas Conversation with my Family

2004-12-28T10:03:00.000-08:00

Hola!

So yesterday, I talked about my family and their various idiosynchracies. I mentioned how when we all come together to form a group discussion, uncontrollable chaos inevitably occurs.

I was planning on doing a sample conversation that our family got into after coming back from Baja Fresh the other day....But after thinking about it, I realized that it was absolutely impossible to recreate with any kind of accuracy....So instead, below is a sample of a somewhat exagerrated (but not too much so) conversation that we very well could have had after coming back from Baja Fresh. The conversation usually starts out innocently enough, but as our individual behaviors work their way into the mix, disjointed madness ensues...

**********************************************************************************

Dave(to all): HEY, SO BAJA FRESH REALLY HAS SOME GREAT FOOD!!

Chris:(to all): Well.....yeah!....the food is really great there.

Mom: (to all): And it doesn't fill you up, like other...."fast food"

Dad: (to all, but mostly Dave): Yeah, they give you big portions, and they DO IT FAST! You see those Mexican guys in the kitchen? They work hard, boy...They work bloody hard! And the food is GREAT!

[All nod in agreement ]

Dad: (to all, but mostly Dave): Yeah, and guess who owns Baja Fresh? That's right! Wendy's! Jeff told me that they were closing down some stores in the Midwest, and only after 1 year!! ONE YEAR! HOW RIDICULOUS IS THAT?! THEY DON'T EVEN GIVE THEM A BLOODY CHANCE!..I didn't see any commercials on TV! What the hell are they doing?!

Jeff: (to all): [imitating ignorant country folk]: Its all 'dem illegals, I tells ya! Dey stinkin' up the whole damn country! Dey should call 'dat place "Johnny's Stinkhole"

Mom (to me): I hear they make some great pizza pies!

Dave: (to Dad): YEAH, I REALLY WANTED TO INVEST IN WENDY'S, BUT THE STOCK IS JUST TOO ERRATIC AND THE DIVIDEND IS LOWER THAN 2% PER SHARE! THAT'S F*N RIDICULOUS!

Chris: (to all): .......What?.....Did you say, "To perchance four chairs?" Rated R.

Dad: (to Dave): That's why you want to hold on to Pharmaceutical stocks, if you have any! You see right now, they're taking a big hit because of public mistrust, when in fact, many of these drugs ONLY INDUCED HEART ATTACKS because during the clinical trials, SOMETHING LIKE 5 TIMES THE NORMAL DOSAGE WAS GIVEN TO THE PATIENTS! SO OF COURSE IF ANY ONE OF THOSE PATIENTS IS ALREADY EXPERIENCING HEART TROUBLE, ALL THAT BLOODY VIOXX IS GOING TO KILL EM!

Jeff: (to Chris): What Chris, did you say something about Parcheese?

Mom: (to herself): [she sees a airplane really high in the sky and starts singing a song]...Thin Thin aero-plane! Thin Thin aero-plane!...wooo!!!

[Everyone starts laughing]

Dave: Mom! You're so silly!

Mom: And silly I shall be....until I reach my END!!??

[Everyone starts laughing again]

Dad (to Dave): .....You see, Dave, now is a great opportunity to buy some stock in Pfizer and Merck! Merck's problem was that they should HAVE NEVER PULLED VIOXX OFF THE SHELVES! THAT'S THE WHOLE REASON WHY THEIR STOCK WENT DOWN SO MUCH IN THE FIRST PLACE!! Did you know that Pfizer's CEO actually told Gilmartin...umm..Merck's CEO...that THEY SHOULD JUST SLAP A WARNING LABEL ON VIOXX! PFIZER DID THAT, AND THEIR STOCK HASN'T GONE DOWN AT ALL, EVEN WITH CELEBREX HAVING SUCH BAD NEWS!!

Chris: [to Jeff]: Ha ha!.....No...wait...."Jason Parcheese", rated PG-13.

Jeff: [Chris]: Yeah!..No wait!..."Berating Bart Cheesy", rated R...AND it's this critically acclaimed film that won the Cannes Film Festival in 2001, and it was revered for its uniquely wry criticism of the American family and its comically liberal attitudes about sexual behavior....and a fascinating aspect of the film is the presence of a imaginary squirrel named "Hidalgo" that only exists in the protagonist's mind....Hidalog represents the man's jealous motivations towards his estranged wife.

[silence for 3 seconds.....and then]:

Mom: Today is a good day to die!

[everyone starts laughing]

Mom: I like doing stuff like that...breaking up silence....Ha ha ha!!!

Dad:....umm...well, I sure liked Baja Fresh a lot better than that Bella Napoli....Ugghh..that pizza pie was nothing to brag about, that's for sure...

Dave: [telling a story he's mentioned at least 25 times in the past..he loves to do that..]YEAH, I DIDN'T THINK THAT PIZZA WAS VERY GOOD EITHER. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN RESTAURANTS START CUTTING CORNERS! REMEMBER WHEN WE STARTED EATING PIZZA AT PIZZA HEAVEN!? REMEMBER HOW IT WAS THE BEST PIZZA WE EVER HAD, AND THEN AFTER LIKE A YEAR OR SO, ONE DAY THE PIZZA WAS TERRIBLE! AND WE REALIZED THAT IT WAS BECAUSE THEY STARTED MINIMIZING COSTS! ALL PIZZA PLACES DO THAT AFTER ABOUT A YEAR OR SO, SO THAT THEY COULD MAXIMIZE THEIR PROFITS AND FATTEN THEIR BOTTOM LINE.

Jeff(to all): That's why I like the pizza pie at Johnny Stinkhole!

Dad (to Jeff): What? you like Bella Napoli's pie?

Jeff (to Dad): No, Johnny Stinkhole's pie!

Dad: (to Jeff): Oh!...ha ha!...[he starts singing in his Frank Sinatra voice]...."Johnny Stinkhole's.....oh ho!.......oh ho ho ho!.....Johnny Stinkhole's....."

....[our car pulls up on the driveway]

Chris: Hey, we're already back..wow, that was fast...

Mom: Yep....We've reached...THE END OF THE LINE!!??

****************************************************************************

.......I swear to you, this is typical of a conversation we might have in the car....So now you understand why I lost my mind years ago...It's in my genes...

The Pit of Incoherent Thoughts and Bizarro Ideas

3 of the Stupidest Jokes Ever -- If you answer them, you get a prize!!

Central Pennsylvania -- The Scariest Place In the World

I might as well be blunt: Shopping for Women's Panties At Walmart

A post that Inspires and Astounds!

Classic Conversations With my Brothers, Part 1: Starring Dave and Jeff Partyka! (insert 80's sitcom programmed audience HERE)

SWIMFAN!!

First Post In a Long, Long While....

And Now: My Impression of a Supa-Sized and Diva-ized NJL Sneeze

The top 10 things that I would LOVE to do

A peppery, passive, partially prepossessing potpourri of a post....pardon?

Arguably The Most Tense Moment of My Life: A Dinner at Charlie Brown's on 4th of July Weekend??? Huh??

How bout' a dating-disaster mini?

INTRODUCING THE SECOND WAVE OF THE PIT

I need a blogger vacation!

One of Those Stubborn Xenophobic Stints...

I can't blog about the Ghosts of Pasha because.....

Jeff Steps Into Uncharted Territory: His VERY OWN Social Life

[Jeff is fazed, but quickly summons his excitment for a second try]

HOW YA DOIN'!!!!!!

HOW YA DOIN!!!!

Take a Guess

C: Over-extensive 45-year old clevage

Tomorrow: More with the Ghosts of Pasha News Network!

Upcoming Blogs! Why am I yelling?!

Uh oh...

IN A SEA OF BLOOD!!!!!RRROOOOAAARRRRR!!!!!!

Beseiged by Inspiration

Jeff Factoid #2353353212-344-435bAbout a year and a half ago, I finished creating an electronic music CD, the result of sporadic work completed over a period of about 2 years.

The Ghosts of Pasha News Network: Monday and Tuesday, March 28-29, 2005

The Ghosts of Pasha!

The Ghosts of Pasha NYC concert at Don Hills, in front of a Showtime Camera Crew!!

Jeff's Friday Night Dance Party!

A Blog JAM PACKED with lots of stuff!!

Jeff Factoid #2456543

For Butterscotch...

My Mysterious Newfound Obsession With Pat Zajac

CREAM -- OF-- MUSH-ROOM --- SOUP!!! WOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because I Am So Boring Today, I Need to Write Some Stream of Consciousness Poetry

A Chris Weekend Described -- With ZERO Hyperbole

(1:Impossible Occurrences Being Made Possible In The Most Casual Way Imaginable (often between heaping spoonfuls of canned ravioli)(2: Hours Upon Hours of Watching Absolutely Horrendous/Cheeseball Television -- and loving it!

If Only I Could Meet Women During Microsoft Access Training Classes.....shame shame shame

OK, what in God's name are you talking about Jeff? I believe it's time for your 10:00PM subcutaneous injection...

My Brother Dave

My Brother Dave is Awesome!!!

Corporate Computer Craziness Creates Caustic Commotion -- FOR MOI!

OK, what the hell am I talking about?

What the hell is going on?

What the hell is going on?

Updates, Factoids, Assorted Nonsense -- Tomorrow, I will discuss why I no longer attend church!

(1:

(2:

And now...THE GRAND FINALE of Horrible Jeff Pictures Week

Horrible Jeff Pictures Week Continues!

WELL THINK AGAIN!!!

Horrible Jeff Pictures Week: Wednesday

Onward With Horrible Jeff Pictures Week!: Day 2

Horrible Jeff Pictures Week, Day 2!!

Celebrate Horrible Jeff Pictures Week!

Ghosts of Pasha Article

Dingy Trouble

The Post-Piss Leg Trickle

(1: A Complete and Thorough Unzipping or Unbuttoning of the Pants

(2: Coarse and Fine Adjustment Dingy Targeting

(3: Preparations For Unloading the Cargo

(4: Unloading the Cargo

(5: The Final Packages

(6: A Complete and Thorough Zipping Or Buttoning Back Up of the Pants

My Bullshit In The Workplace

COMPLETE INJUSTICE

I GOT YELLED AT BECAUSE I COULDN'T READ SOMEONE'S MIND!

Getting Screamed At During Work As A Neglected Rite of Passage

I got yelled at for a very stupid and almost entirely unjustifiable reason at work today!

The 1st Annual Bizarr-oscars Awards

THE SAME 5 MOVIES APPEARING OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN NEARLY EVERY CATEGORY

Best Supporting Lemur

Sideways:

Million Dollar Baby:

The Aviator:

Best Adapted Subliminal Vin Diesel Appearance

Jeff Factoid #2353353212-344-435b

About a year and a half ago, I finished creating an electronic music CD, the result of sporadic work completed over a period of about 2 years.

(1:Impossible Occurrences Being Made Possible In The Most Casual Way Imaginable (often between heaping spoonfuls of canned ravioli)

(2: Hours Upon Hours of Watching Absolutely Horrendous/Cheeseball Television -- and loving it!