The Pit of Incoherent Thoughts and Bizarro Ideas

3 of the Stupidest Jokes Ever -- If you answer them, you get a prize!!

2005-11-22T09:26:00.000-08:00

Hiya!...To counteract my excessive, painfully drawn-out blog posts from the past few umm...months...[clears throat]...Here's a short and fun one! Truthfully, there is nothing remotely interesting happening in my life, so I thought I would stage a contest:

Answer these 3 incredibly cheesy/silly/funny jokes, and you will get a prize:
(Note: These aren't my original jokes, although I kinda wish they were -- My brother came up with 2 of them, and a cherry Popsicle Stick gave me the other...)

(1: Where does a 3,000 pound gorilla sleep?

(2: What is a sniper's favorite toothpaste?

(3: What is the name of the high ranking military officer that is DIRECTLY mentioned in the Preamble to the Constitution??

Good luck :-)

Central Pennsylvania -- The Scariest Place In the World

2005-11-14T16:32:00.000-08:00

Hiya! It's been a while....First off, completely unrelated to the blog, here is a link to a free mp3 download from one of my favorite bands, Silverchair:

Silverchair - Across the Night

OK, now I must recount various vignettes collectively describing the horror and sheer isolation that is Central Pennsylvania.

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(1: Usually, a good indicator of the general activity of a certain area is the amount of variety on the local radio stations. So on my way back from Ohio (I visited my brother in Cleveland, a city that tries hard to be metro, but ends up being more like a slightly more rural/boring version of Central Jersey..I relate to experience to But the squirrels have brown tails and appeared slightly more playful, which was a lot of fun!!!) , there was an accident on I-80, a 2 lane road that cuts through the Central Pa. Mountains. Everything literally came to a dead stop with seemingly no explanation whatsoever.

Was their a horrific automobile accident? Was there a landslide from one of the several cliffs lining the roadside?

Perhaps the long-anticipated Yokel's Rebellion centered in the town of Hog's Feet FINALLY erupted, after years of false alarms!! (the newfound presence of 3-5 teenagers in Hog's Feet apparently enough to drive the townsfolk over the edge, especially after the 97th Annual Hog's Feet Jug Dancing Contest was disrupted by one of these wretched teenagers -- he allegedly held hands with a girl in public!! "The demon and Jezebel shall rot in Hell!" became a popular town rhyme during the tumult. The only casualty during the rebellion was a drunken chicken.)

Anyway, so we're stuck for about 30 minutes, and we didn't even move one inch on the road...So naturally, we figured that perhaps one of the local radio stations might give us some more information. So we flip it on and we turn the dial, and what we subsequently heard was unquestionably the most BORING radio program EVER!!! It appeared to be some sort of news station for the area, and at the time, the man was giving a weather forecast, first for that day, followed by a long range forecast for the week.

For 10 minutes, we listened to this very old sounding man (he must have been 100 years old.......there's no way he couldn't be......there's just.....no....way.....) ...and for all 10 minutes, he prattled on...and on....and on.....-- about just that day's forecast! It was like this:

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"And now......[5 second pause -- nothing but radio silence].......to.......day's..................fore........cast.............................[10 seconds of radio silence]...........to.....day's.................wea.......the........rrrr..........fore.......cast..............calls.......for........
...high...........temp................era..............tures...................ssssss.................[10 seconds of radio silence].......the..........hii......gghhhh.............temp..............era.............tur......[cough]....................[5 seconds of radio silence]...................[cough!]...................[cough!]..................tod...........ay's.............hi.... (a merciful etc...)
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And the scary part is that I'm barely exaggerating......And I'm telling the truth about the fact that for 10 minutes, our antediluvian radio DJ literally was still talking about that day's weather! Both my Dad and I just laughed in a disgusted way and punched the radio dial off.

After about 2 hours, we did start moving again....It turns out that the cause of traffic was that construction workers simply decided to block the road while doing repairs on a parallel road........of course, they worked........very................vvveeerrrrryyy...............sllowwwwwwwllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllyyyy.....

(2: OK, so what about the music on these local radio stations? I mean, I'm sure they didn't have a very wide selection like the good ol' tri-state area does, but at least they have the bare minimum, like classic rock standards, or some good folk music..........I'll even take John Denver for God's sake!! (and I say that while grinding my teeth in the most painful way imaginable) As long as it's something that represents a form of organized noise, functioning to keep my brain in the conscious state while passing through No Man's Land..

What I did hear, was not classic rock, was not folk....it wasn't even the horrors of John Denver......What I heard was POLKA! And you'll never, EVER believe the song I heard......

It was called "Who Stole the Kishka?" . There's no way I could make this up, it's just too stupid to be anything but the truth.

In fact, today, while at work, I remembered the song and looked up the lyrics on Google...and I found them!....So without further delay, here are the lyrics to "Who Stole the Kishka?"

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Someone stole the kishka
Someone stole the kishka
Who stole the kishka,
from the butcher's shop?
Who stole the kishka?
Who stole the kishka?
Who stole the kishka?
Someone call the cops!

Fat and round and firmly packed
It was hanging on the rack
Someone stole the kishka
When I turned my back
Who stole the kishka?
Who stole the kishka?
Who stole the kishka?
Someone bring it back!

Someone stole the kishka
Someone stole the kishka
Who stole the kishka,
from the butcher shop?
Who stole the kishka?
Who stole the kishka?
Who stole the kishka?
Someone call the cops!

Yusef found the kishka
Yusef found the kishka
Yusef found the kishka
And he hung it on the rack.
He found the kishka
He found the kishka
He found the kishka
Yusef brought it back
Heeeeeyyyyyyyy
Hey!
huh-huh-huh-huh

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(3: My last vignette is a short one -- it's about the diners in that area......So my parents and I were getting hungry, since the drive through Pennsylvania takes between 7-8 hours by car.....When going through Central Pennsylvania, there are gaps of between 40-70 miles between exits of off I-80. So when you come upon an exit with a potential main drag, you really tend to savor it.

So we were starving and we decided, "OK, the next exit we see, we'll go to a diner -- that is, if there is one".......So we reach an exit, and lo and behold! -- We see a sign indicating a diner...This was called "The Twilight Cafe".....We were all very happy, as we savored the mouth-watering delights of a country diner, chock full of scrambled eggs, endless pieces of toast, and a vast resorvoir of maple syrup...mmmmmmm..............I love breakfast food................

We get off on the exit, and get on the main drag.....we don't see a sign for the Twilight Cafe coming down the exit ramp, so we wondered, "Which way do we turn, right or left?...Does anyone see a cafe? Is there ANYTHING around here???"...

We searched up and down the "main drag" for five minutes......Nothing.....Absolutely nothing. Well...there was one possibility, but I always thought that to minimally qualify as a cafe meant boasting a shelter with a reasonably stable architecture, space for parking (not necessarily parking spaces), and an understanding of our present-day monetary system.

Now, it was possible that the scattered propane tanks I saw was indeed the Twilight Cafe, but it was more likely a 3-bedroom apartment for the area.

We were all discouraged.....So we continued driving, hoping that the next exit would provide us with our much needed sustenance. After another 60 miles or so, we finally approached the sign for the next exit, and yes! there was another cafe.....So in the distance, we couldn't quite see the name of the cafe.....we squinted, as we did our collective best to flex our lenses and irises....and when we got close enough at last to read the name of the diner, we saw this:

___________
Food - Exit 68
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Pitstop Cafe
___________

Even though each of us were starving, we continued past the exit without even a sliver of hestitation.

We did manage to catch a glimpse of the Pitstop Cafe as we passed by the exit ramp....It DID exist, so it's one-up on the Twilight Cafe....But from what we could see, it was basically someone's small trailer with the words "Pitstop Cafe" printed on it.......Again, I'm not kidding.

And that, my friends, was JUST A FEW highlights from my scary trip into the frightening Central Pennsylvania wilderness. My advice is to avoid it entirely and watch it from the comfort of your homes in the form of Survivor 10, coming soon to CBS.

I might as well be blunt: Shopping for Women's Panties At Walmart

2005-10-31T10:14:00.000-08:00

I consider myself an avid learner, an intrepid personality, someone not afraid to try something new or mingle with others who I know nothing about.....And in the case of last Wednesday night at Walmart, I'm also not afraid to delve headlong into a world of satin stretch panties, tiny pink thongs, and frighteningly gargantuan push-up bras -- even if that means getting some first hand experience along the way.....

No, I SWEAR this isn't a joke....So here's the story: the Beyfuss/Powells had their annual Halloween party, and this year, there was a theme -- Be naughty, and be creative!

So for two weeks, I tossed around various ideas:

(1: The naked/lustful Omar (from the South Plainfield Cafe)
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(2: The Bubble-gum mummy (not necessarily in keeping with the naughty theme, but just a wacky idea -- I was even thinking of buying some sort of cheap sarcophagus and paying 2 people to wheel me into the party, where I would rise in grandiose fashion from my coffin and start doing the watusi, for no apparent reason)
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(3: Jeff -- 100% pure (where I would just show up nude......lol)

So as you can tell, I wasn't quite satisfied with anything that I conjured up.......

But there's something that you should know about ol' Jeff: I think up my craziest/strangest/most creative ideas when (a: I'm in in the shower (b: I'm trying to go to sleep (c: I'm eating dinner with my parents.

Naturally, while eating dinner with my parents at Lone Star, I came to a stunning realization: instead of trying to take on another identity, why not work with my very own identity and alter it in a naughty way??...And that's when I thought of my naughty costume for Brooke's party:

I would be "The best of both worlds"

I started laughing uncontrollably at the table, and my parents asked me, "What's so funny Jeff?"...They wanted to join in the laughing....But I honestly didn't know how they would react to my dangerously lurid costume idea, so I answered, "Oh....just something that my brother told me the other day.............hahahaha!!!!!"...It worked; we all started laughing :-)

So last week, I set out to obtain all my parts of my transexual prostitute outfit. After I purchased some clip-on earrings, fishnet pantyhose, and a sexy wig at the Halloween store, I decided to get a crash-course in women's undergarments (AKA: Trekkie Kryptonite)

(SIDE STORY: While there, I met a girl I dubbed as "Halloween Girl"....she was very pretty and seemed somewhat vivacious AND down-to-earth, a fantastic combination -- but the fundamental problem was that she was a cashier at a seasonal store that would disappear in a week.....umm yeah....I kept buying more stuff during the week so that I could increase the number of 2 minute speaking opportunities I had with her...I talked to her 3 times, and we got along well, but alas, it was not to be....Just as statistics indicate, bars have the lowest percentage of succesful relationship opportunities, Halloween store checkout counters have the 2nd lowest)

So anyway, I went to Walmart...When I entered the store, I felt a bit like Indiana Jones, exploring untamed and dangerous lands...So I first asked myself, "OK....where could I find women's panties in a store this enormous??".....And then, a sign from above revealed itself to me!!!....

What, you mean from God? No, no, not THAT kind of sign!....I saw a big sign in front of me that read, "Women's Intimates"....My destination lay clearly before me...Initially, I had some hesitation about entering that section, but then I realized, "This may be the only time I do this, so I might as well do it with glee!"...and so I did...lol

As I began to search in a semi-confused/half-baked state for panties, bras, and thongs from one rack to the next, I noticed multiple people giving me different kinds of looks....For example, older ladies were looking at me slightly confused with a knitted brow, younger guys/girls were basically laughing at me, and a couple of tough guys with tatoos looked at me with slightly threatening looks....and for a while I enjoyed the attention. I took to my new quest with fervor, as I learned to make fine distinctions between 36D and 38D bra sizes, satin stretch panties and uhhhh...other panties, and more!....Slowly, and without my knowledge, I began to really enjoy panty shopping! I began whispering to myself, "Hey..this one's meshed...and look at that sleek black material!....Wow, my bf..I mean gf would love....that...............ummm..hey! what's that?!!!"

Eventually, I decided on a 38D white push-up bra, a tiny pink thong (which proved to be too tiny -- trying it out was equivalent to some sort of self-applied reverse transexual wedgie.....if ya know what I mean.......(cough)), XL black satin panties, and a black ummm...nighty? Well, it was something that prostitutes wear, I don't know what the hell it was....Hey! From this experience, I realized that perhaps the BEST part about being a guy is our simplified underwear. All we need to worry about is boxers or briefs, and THAT'S IT! (though some guys like to wear only pants, and THAT'S IT!)...I mean, sure, there's white T-shirts, but they're optional and are sometimes used as regular shirts, so I don't even view them as part of the men's undergarment canon.....all of this can be seen in my op/ed column in the Wall Street Journal, of course.

OK, so end of the story -- As more and more people started looking at me and responding in some extreme way, I began to get a little paranoid. So when I was finished, I anxiously started walking out of the Women's Intimates section and towards the checkout line...As I made my frantic journey, I simultaneously looked all around me and thought to myself, "Look, let's just buy this crap and get the hell out, OK?! In and out. Quick and easy."

As soon as I thought this, THE nightmare scenario happened:

I knocked over an entire rack of gray panties, and they ALL fell to the ground. A loud, destructive sound resounded throughout Walmart -- meaning that this could be heard for 2 miles all around me.

At this point, I literally looked like the typical 5 year old kid who's hand was in the cookie jar, and who accidentally knocked over the jar, causing it to crash on the ground, while both of his parents were staring at him. Replace both with 20, and replace parents with conventionally deformed Walmart customers, and there you go. There was no way out of this one -- I had to pick up each panty that I knocked over and put it back on the rack, one at a time.

I did this for 10 minutes, with my enormous bra slung over my right shoulder. I felt like a kinky contractor in a 70's porn flick, it was really, really strange.

I checked out without a problem -- until I dropped all of my credit cards, health insurance cards, frequent drink cards, etc... on the ground....but this lasted only 3 minutes.....Then I nearly ran out of the store...

And that, my bloggites, is my fantastic story. Lots of good came out of this experience: For one thing, I won a prize at Brooke's Halloween costume party, and was thus awarded a naked voodoo doll with an oversized penis. Woohoo! Thanks! Second, I'm now pretty damn good at strapping on/off a bra. And last but not least, these undergarments turned me into a hottie for a night! Maybe the best comment of the night for me was before I left for the party, when I first showed my parents what I looked like. My dad, who is a fairly conservative person, really surprised and delighted me by saying, "You know something Jeff? You're a pretty sexy gal. And you look better than lots of girls that I've seen, trust me!" ROTFL!....Awesome!

Check out pictures of my sexy costume on MySpace!

Jeff's hot costume!

A post that Inspires and Astounds!

2005-10-18T09:40:00.000-07:00

Yes! I'm in a exhuberant, almost violently whimsical mood, and being the altruistic individual that I am, I seek to share my joy with others with an amazing story I heard this weekend...OK, it involves baseball, but not to worry -- I'll explain all of the baseball stuff...Besides, it'll be worth hearing all 'dat baseball to get to the part that will Inspire and Astound!

OK, so this weekend, I was watching a baseball playoff game between the Houston Astros and the St. Louis Cardinals. There's a player on the Houston Astros named Roger Clemens, he's one of the greatest pitchers who ever played the game, literally. Now, earlier this year (July/August, not sure), his mother died. This happened about 3 hours before the game for that day, and it just so happened that for this particular game, Roger Clemens was pitching. (He pitches once every 5 days)

Some of her last words were the following: "You guys are going to win today by a score of 10-2...." She said something else after that, but I'll save that for later :-) Stay tuned!

Now for a little background: the Houston Astros at this point were the worst run scoring team in the league. In fact, they averaged not even 3 runs a game during the games in which Clemens pitched. So for Houston to score 10 runs this game seemed EXTREMELY unlikely.

So Clemens called his team up and told them what had happened. He mentioned, "now my mom said that we're going to win 10-2, and you guys haven't scored 10 runs total for me the entire season!"

During the game, a series of unlikely events occurred, such as Clemens getting a hit and driving in 2 of the runs for the Astros (up to that point, he had something like 3 hits and 1 run driven in the whole season), along with a couple of other flukey plays that helped the Astros get some runs.

In the 9th inning, Houston has a 10-1 lead.....with only one out left....the ball is hit, a ball that should easily be handled....but it's botched, and guess what??? A second run scores for the other team...

The final score ended up being 10-2....

OK, now here's what Clemens' mom said after 10-2: "Shoeless Joe Jackson....Shoeless Joe Jackson....Shoeless Joe Jackson..."

Who the hell is Shoeless Joe Jackson, you ask? He was a famous old time baseball player who played before, after and during 1917, and he played for the Chicago White Sox. He is the most famous player who ever played for the White Sox.

Here's the thing -- the Chicago White Sox just a couple of days ago advanced to the World Series and have a chance to win their 1st championship since 1917. And there's even signficance to the fact that the name was said 3 times -- there are 3 playoff series that must be won in order to win a championship. The White Sox have won 2 of the series, and have only one more to go.

And I've watched the 2 series that the White Sox have played....Particularly in the last series, an extraordinary number of freak calls and events have gone IN FAVOR OF the White Sox and in one case, was directly responsible for them winning a game in the series.

Now, sure, this could all be hogwash that a gullible fool such as myself would believe.....Besides, it probably has more to do with the fact that I WANT to believe, right?? Perhaps....But I have a feeling that I know the White Sox are going to win the world series....In fact, if I was a betting man, I would put down 10000 dollars right now on the White Sox, no questions asked. I think this is real, I don't know what it means, or what the ramifications are......But it's something that I find EXTREMELY INSPIRING and capable of restoring faith in things like higher powers and the afterlife....So I REALLY hope that the White Sox win now..lol...my faith might very well be on the line..

And that is my oddly wonderful story :-)

Classic Conversations With my Brothers, Part 1: Starring Dave and Jeff Partyka! (insert 80's sitcom programmed audience HERE)

2005-09-25T18:10:00.000-07:00

Hola!

As you may know, my brothers Dave and Chris have been sojourning at my house for the month of September..Today's blog focuses on Dave, while the next will focus on Chris...As Dave celebrated 6 of the most mentally grueling and emotional arduous years of life by watching WAY too many movies and eating WAY too much pizza in suburban central NJ, I had slowly come to realize something extremely enlightening...

What I had forgotten about during those 6 years when he was at school was just HOW COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS AND FRIGHTENINGLY ZANY most of our conversations truly are. In fact, this is the percentage breakdown of the content of our conversations:

(1: Zany out of control humor that expends a tremendous amount of cognitive energy, causes minimal destruction and loss of life around us, and serves absolutely ZERO practical value: 73.5%

(2: Serious, academic topics like sociology (macro AND micro), particle physics, long term trends in technology and business, and the occasional abstract math idea thrown into the mix: 13.1%

(3: Emotional Consolation and Personal Recovery Time Required After Engaging in #2 above (sometimes accompanied by Dianetics-approved Therapeutic Trust Spheres Sessions): 13.1%

(4: Bitching about what commercials we HATE: 0.3%

(For the record, Dave hates the CapitalOne Commercials with the Viking warriors trying to work regular jobs, while I currently loathe the Chrysler commercial with the little girl that tells her grandfather, Lee Iacocca, in her best grandpappy voice, "if you can find a better car, buy it!"...For me, I have come to despise this commercial based on (1: overplay (2: Jeff TV watching rule #2395678: "I HATE WHEN LITTLE KIDS, ESPECIALLY LITTLE GIRLS UNDER THE AGE OF 10, TRY TO ACT LIKE SOPHISTICATED GROWN-UPS"....I can't stand it....I just can't take it....uggghhh.. (the most horrific example of this since human recordkeeping began several thousands of years ago was the 4-year old Welch's grape juice girl who tried to act like a 30 year old woman..That just freaked me out.)

.......So.........................HERE WE ARE!.......Anyway, here is one of our funny trademark conversations we had during this month....In fact, this one happened yesterday, while we were watching Hurricane Rita coverage on the Weather Channel:

(the on-site hurricane reporter in Galveston, Texas, is wrapping up his report, decked out in heavy-duty raingear)

Dave: I wonder what exactly the job qualifications are for "the hurricane guy" on any news station...I guess they would have to be fearless and be willing to brave almost any situation.

Jeff: Yeah, they're probably required to be daredevil types, and I bet that during the job interview, they have to list on their resume all of the places they skydived and bungee jumped from -- and maybe even the distances too, so for example, if it came down to 2 equally qualified candidates, the person with the highest average bungee-jump distance would get the job.

Dave: Yeah, definitely......Also, an overlooked aspect of the hurricane guy is how he has to demonstratively "brave the elements", almost play it up in front of the camera, like when he gives his report, he has to yell while noticeably struggling against the wind. And the whole time, he has to emit an authoritative, newsworthy, but decidedly solemn facial expression, especially when he's signing off...

Jeff: Yeah! lol..And the way the sign off is handled between the newsroom and the hurricane guy is always the same, after the guy says his name, the newsroom shows a combination of macho respect, genuine concern for their colleague, and gloom when reflecting on the destruction of the storm.....the newsroom always says something like, "Keep the good work", or, "Hope you stay safe", or something..

Dave: Yeah!.... lol...it's always the same.....

Jeff: I also notice two more things...First, I would just like to point out that in the midst of this serious discussion, we have forgotten the obvious -- why aren't there any hurricane women? Why hasn't this been a hot button issue as of yet? Also, I'm surprised that news networks haven't sensationalized their hurricane coverage to maximize their ratings. I mean, they can't now because of the very real destruction and loss of life that happened with Katrina, but if Katrina DIDN'T happen, I think the goal of the hurricane reporter would be drastically different..

Dave: Right -- it would shift from reporting the damage caused by the hurricane to entertaining the viewers with a series of completely overblown stunts designed to convince us that the hurricane is UNBELIEABLY strong. For example...(lol)....yeah, it would be funny if the reporter was acting as if the wind was so ridiculously strong that in one moment, the camera would be knocked out of focus, and then when it came back on focus, the reporter was being blown into the distance in a similar manner to Samuel L. Jackson in Star Wars Episode III when Anakin light-sabers him through the window! LOL..

Jeff: Yeah!...LOL....(laughter for 10 seconds)......I was thinking that the newsroom would actually try to convince us that the hurricane reporter was killed or was missing in action....for me, instead of the Samuel L. Jackson blow away, I was just thinking that the camera would be knocked to the ground, then when it was picked back up, it would show what appeared to be the hurricane guy being blown away log-roll position on the ground at a high speed....but it might be his clothes too...The newsroom would play along and call out the guy's name like, "John...no!! John!!!!! ahhhhh!!!!!"........then they would proceed with a sensationalized 10 minute piece on how their colleague, "may be missing....but it's hard to tell from this particular vantage point whether that was him, or just some stray clothes that appeared similar to his outfit"......It would be like this show where you would want to watch just to see if he would be found, and of course, he always is found and does reporting the next day....

(Both Dave and Jeff laugh)......

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Yes, we have strange, but highly imaginative, senses of humor....Part 2, a conversation with Chris, will follow this blog sometime....

SWIMFAN!!

2005-09-21T09:30:00.000-07:00

OK, this one's a short post....Yesterday, I watched a movie -- but not just ANY ordinary movie.

No, this one is a bonafide cinematic CLASSIC....

The 60's had 2001: A Space Odyssey
The 70's had The Godfather
The 80's had Pee Wee's Big Adventure
The 90's had Pulp Fiction

and now...this decade has:

SWIMFAN

OK, here's a new little factoid about Jeff: I love teen movies involving psychotic girls chasing after guys, no matter how many people are killed in the process.

But what makes these movies even more fun is that you can ALWAYS immediately tell who the crazy girl is, just by looking at her face. She doesn't even have to say or do anything at all. Furthermore, you can always tell who the sweet, harmless girlfriend of the guy is, and you can always tell who the freaky person with all of the answers concerning the psycho girl's demonic past is.

To demonstrate, we will play a game! :-)

Below are 6 pictures....1 is a picture of the psychotic girl in the movie, another is a picture of the perfect, sweet girlfriend. However, INTERMIXED with these pictures are 3 others that do not belong!..

WHOEVER correctly identifies the psycho girl and the sweet harmless girlfriend will win a FREE SODA,courtesy of me!

Good luck! :-)

First Post In a Long, Long While....

2005-09-12T09:34:00.000-07:00

...but that doesn't mean that there's nothing happening in my life -- Actually, I would prefer that very little actually happens in my social life, as that has become my equilibrium, dictated, of course, by my lifestyle as a computer geek/general geek.

But NO, my life has been completely insane over the last few weeks, dotted with entertaining and occasionally life-threatening weekends, light-hearted family tumult (the good kind), and extreme amounts of pizza (In fact, we are approaching the lethal dosage amount of pizza for humans, which is something like: L.D. 97 -- I am currently at L.D. 91, but there are signs of slow down, which is good, since this means I shall extend my life span)

OK...where in blazes do I start?......All righty, I'll start with a rundown of the life-changing events that have occurred in the last 2 weeks:

(1: My brother Dave has graduated from Harvard and acquired his PhD in chemistry, after 6 grueling years...congrats to Dave!

(2: My Mom's friend from Brazil, Idessi (sp?), visited for 1 month during most of August.....It was her visit to this country in many years, and she enjoyed it very much..

(3: I flew on a plane to North Carolina to attend a Jazz festival during Labor Day Weekend...Why is this life-changing? Because it was the very first time I ever flew on a plane.....I have a great story about that first take-off too :-)

(4: Last but certainly not least, out of nowhere, my brother Chris, who coincidentally came home from Vermont the same time as Dave, has announced that he is going to settle down with a girl named Elise in Seattle....Does this mean marriage for Chris??? Possibly, I'll find out as soon as I get some details -- such as Elise's last name, basic identity (which will enable me to identify her on the street, which is sorta important), and other essential contact information.

OK, I also had a full-weekend, which included violently intense mini-golf, a 7-mile Kayak run in the Pine Barrens (along with 2 extremely sore forearms), and a trip to the Met for some fine art yesterday, and 2 near-death incidents in a 5 minute time span, thanks to my friend Dan, the WORLD'S WORST DRIVER.

Yep.....I have LOTS to discuss......

OK, I think I'll start with my first flight in an airplane:

So I flew on an American Eagle jet from Newark Int'l....Being ridiculously prepared as usual (which is an essential part of the "Way of the Jeff"....yeah, I fully understand that getting to a place 1 hour in advance is quite possibly the LEAST sexiest thing a guy can do, but oh well, my ways are fixed, for better of for worse), I arrive 2 and a half hours before boarding time, and I am waiting in the terminal gate almost 2 hours before my plane actually arrived....I decided to purchase some Altoids, the curiously strong mints. I continue my daze/first flight anxiety for the remaining 90 minutes....All the while, I imagine that the plane will at least be somewhat spacious, with enough room for me to maneuver around if I so choose, with a food cart rolled up and down the aisle by a flight attendant....Then I imagine that if we crashed, we could become a real life cast of "Lost"....I then started looking around, trying to match each passenger with a character on the show..Amazingly, I was able to match many of the major characters (I nailed down "Kate", "Sahid", "Hurley", and "Sawyer" for sure....there was even an Oriental couple that didn't speak English!....Or, I should say, it APPEARED that they couldn't speak English...)

So basically, during this waiting period, I oscillated from thinking positively and confidently, and thinking negatively and about which character from Lost I would end up being (I concluded I would be a blonde-haired Charlie -- but with an altoid addiction, rather than a heroin addiction :-)) -- but there REALLY should be someone like me on Lost, it would make the show much more interesting, but realistically, I would be swallowed up by the invisible security system during my 2nd episode, or something like that....WHAT DO YOU THINK MY FATE WOULD BE READERS?

OK, so the plane arrives, and as I approach the plane, I am terrified to learn how tiny it is....no coach and 1st class sections, just 20 seats in what looks like the inside of a crammed schoolbus....I start to develop claustrophobic tendencies, but I try to stave that off by noticing where this potential real-life cast of "Lost" will sit on the plane....I sit next to Kate on my right and Sahid to my left. Sahid noticed that I have never flown before, as he observed my slight fidgeting and sweating. He says, "Do not worry -- I have flown many times before, you won't feel a thing"....his voice was very smooth and reassuring, so I managed to calm down considerably....he then started babbilng about a French woman, but I stopped paying attention by then :-)

So as our plane is preparing to take its position on the runway by backing up, an unknown object SUDDENLY CRASHES against somewhere on the right side of the plane!...The plane shook violently, and everyone yelled out, "What the hell was that??!!" ......Sahid then chuckled and said to me, "Heh heh......In all my years of flying, THAT'S NEVER happened to me before.".....

I responded by putting my hands against my face, and quietly eeping out:

"Oh my God, I'm going to die."

I then began to pray - to God, to Allah, to Yahweh, to Vishnu, to the Great Spirit, to the Trees, to the Mountains, to the Animal Spirits, to America, to Canada, to Mexico, to Homer Simpson, to WHOEVER!!!! for the next 5 minutes.....

...As it turned out, it was a very nice and comfortable flight....Of course, every time there was even a slight movement in the air, I clutched my hands against the seat...But my flight was made much more pleasant by the slightly flirtactious Kate, who turned out to be very cute as well (that's why she was "Kate" :-)) ....we had a nice little talk, and when we both realized we had different return flights to Newark, she even let out a cute little feminine "Aww...that's too bad"....Once again, I proved that I am the Don Juan of zero-probability romantic situations....Doh!

..Anyway, so I landed, which was SOO COOOL!!...and I went on my merry way to grab my luggage....End of story..

I have far more to tell on my blog over the next few days, STAY TUNED!

And Now: My Impression of a Supa-Sized and Diva-ized NJL Sneeze

2005-08-11T15:36:00.000-07:00

Click the link for a video clip of my impression of a KF sneeze (his name shall not be mentioned within the inner confines of this holy blog):

My Best Fake Sneeze Causing Very Real Destruction Around Me

(PS: You need QuickTime to view this video)

The top 10 things that I would LOVE to do

2005-08-09T10:16:00.000-07:00

OK, Lynn inspired me with a "Top 10 things that I would like to do before I expire" blog, and now, I shall do a list of my own!:

TOP 10 THINGS JEFF PARTYKA MUST DO BEFORE EXPIRATION (in no particular order)

(1: Get a master's degree in computer science (BORING!!!)

(2: Complete 3 world-wide trips:

The first would be a trip to Europe that would include, in addition to the usual places (Italy, France, Britain, etc.) , a trip to Malta to check out the home of the mysterious "The Knights of Malta", and a trip to Ireland, where I would just calmly stroll in the fields and rolling hills during the sunset.

The second would be a trip to Antarctica, which I would arrive at via a cruise.

The third would be a trip across Canada, starting from New Foundland and ending on the border between Yukon and Alaska.

(3: Go hang-gliding!

(4: Build a robot that is mobile, has censors that tell it when it is about to encounter an obstacle of some kind, and be able to move around it accordingly. I may add some kind of voice command ability, I haven't decided yet.(Besides, what if I accidentally give the robot Gilbert Gottfried's voice?? I might end up destroying the freaking thing with a baseball bat within 10 seconds..LOL)

(5: Publish a novel and a few fairly long short stories...In particular, I want to publish this crazy sci-fi story that I am writing right now (but may not finish for years, it is very complicated), and I want to write a quirky and comical novel about my everyday life (especially the last 4-5 years) and the wonderfully bizarre/interesting people I've met in it.

(6: I want to finish this computer program that simulates the evolution of music over a period of 50-100 years...This is another unfinished project of mine...

(7: I want to learn 3-4 languages (Arabic, Chinese, and I'll throw in Spanish if there's time...if I have 2-3 weeks, that'll be enough..LOL..)

(8: I want to work for the U.S. Government to help in the fight against terrorism.

(9: I just want to have a loving/sometimes torrid relationship with a girl that I can connect with on a personal and emotional level....if possible, I would like to get married and even have a kid or two..

(10: I would love to have just one At-bat against Mariano Rivera in Yankee Stadium, at capacity crowd. That would be SOOOOO cool....

A peppery, passive, partially prepossessing potpourri of a post....pardon?

2005-07-14T19:44:00.000-07:00

....OK, I'll admit it, the entire reason why I'm even posting is because I felt like having fun with the letter 'p' in the title...That's it....There is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENING in my life at the moment..Well, that's not entirely true, but at 10:45 PM EST, I am sleepy, dull and can envision only blank blackness in my mind.....IOW, there's nothing even happening in my head...Oh wait...For no particular reason, I just thought of riding a missle like a surfboard through our office....but it's MY missle, and I put it under my desk for safekeeping........The missle has an alternating blue/pink swill pattern........???

In any event, I've accumulated some random thoughts and ideas over the past few days:

(1: I've wondered if there is a correlation between one's popularity and their given "God Bless You" speed by other people after a sneeze session. This past weekend, I was at a jazz-rock festival in Pennsylvania and was chatting with some people I made contact with on a music message board....Ya know, getting to match the username with the face...everyone was so nice......until, that is, I sneezed....

Now, my sneeze was pretty freakin' audible....I was one of 5 talking within a circular clique, and after the sneeze, I only got one affirmative, authoritative "God Bless You!"......I received 2 half-hearted "God Blesss....", with the "You" being silent. I DID notice this, but I remained silent, giving people in the clique a benefit of the doubt....I figured that like fingerprints or one's genetic code, everyone has a unique way of delivering a "God Bless You" after a sneeze: Some prefer an extroverted, almost demonstrative "GOD BLESS YOU!"...as if not delivering it in time would be legitimate grounds for being penalized via flogging with a cat o' nine tails -- perhaps even executed on the spot a la Stalinist Russia. Others, I believe, have a more introverted, passive manner in their "God Bless You".....now, this could be for several reasons -- some are just quiet, others are atheist or non-religious, and still others are in la la land half the time anyway, so it doesn't matter what you say to them. ...

But there is a tangible segment of the populace that USES the occasion of the "God Bless You" response for subtle social communication. I sometimes think that people who are popular receive a higher number of total "God Bless You" responses, with a faster average response time versus people who are not nearly as popular....And if one doesn't like another person very much, they might give either disingenuous GBU's, or none at all, thereby creating a GBU snub! To get back to MY sneeze, 1 guy gave a sincere confirmation of a GBU, 2 gave a weak, potentially insincere GBU, and 2 others gave none at all, but they were deep in conversation about motorcycle helmets...or something...I dunno.......

However, what bothered me wasn't so much that I didn't receive 3 solid GBU's in the post-sneeze period, but a minute later, another guy in the group sneezed, and he received 4...count 'em....4! affirmative high-speed GBU's! I thought this was unfair, because it just so happened that everyone happened to be paying attention when this other guy sneezed......One of the affirmative GBU's came from me too...and I was sincere about it!.....See? I'm a team player! I believe in being unselfish and sacrificing for the sake of the unit....I get no respect, I tells ya...

Well, at first I was annoyed at the unlucky and unjust turn of events...but I realized that they might have known each other for a long time, and being the newcomer, I needed to prove myself to them somehow...?? maybe if I could jump really high, or built a robot from scratch, I would have received more GBU's??? But another way to look at it would be to welcome the guest into your social circle as if it was your own home -- therefore, give him/her first rate, high speed GBU's......That's what I would have done anyway..

But when all is said and done, this entire post was really about me being bored and needing to kill time....The truth is, I don't care whether I receive GBU's or not.....I DON'T NEED CRED FROM ANYONE DUDE......j/k...LOL.....Yeah, I always have fun dissecting social customs and potential meaning(s) behind them. In my next post -- I shall discuss average walking speed, and how this could be used as a tool to exclude people from a clique (this actually happened to me in college..I didn't walk fast enough for these 3 people, and EVERYTHING WENT DOWN THE TUBES from there) ....stay tuned for THAT thrilling post...LOL

(2: Oh yeah, I was supposed to have other thoughts.......ummm.......SAN DEMUS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!!

(If anyone can name the movie that quote came from "SAN DEMUS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!!"...I'll give you a honey nut kashi granola bar.)

OK, it's bedtime for Jejja...[snore].....

Arguably The Most Tense Moment of My Life: A Dinner at Charlie Brown's on 4th of July Weekend??? Huh??

2005-07-06T16:43:00.000-07:00

....OK, what the hell could THIS title possibly suggest?? And worse yet, what horrors have I yet to write about, that will leave you -- and me -- shaking your head, covering your face, while exhibiting an unhealthy, strange fascination??

Be warned, this blog entry is a novel, so it will take a long time to read....But I won't blog after this until next week, so you got time :-)

All right, well, this past weekend, I decided to fill my "good son" quota by taking my parents out to Charlie Brown's, a relaxing family restaurant with diverse, delicious cuisine, minus the stuffiness.

[The following is a ridiculous and weird tangent...to continue with the normal part of the post, scroll down and read below the red line....Thank you.]

(Coincidentally, right after typing my Charlie Brown's plug above, Charlie Brown's is considering hiring me as their next "young and hip" spokesperson....Subway may have Jared, but Charlie Brown's has J.P....I personally think Jared is full of himself, but that's just me...I saw a recent Subway commercial involving him peddling the over-roasted chicken breast sub, some might even say "Engaging in sandwich hucksterism", and he looked so goshdarn smug...grrr.....but I digress!...OK, nuff' useless typing)

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So everything started off normally -- we arrive at the front counter, we tell the guy "3 people, non-smoking", he sits us down at some seemingly random table, no big deal...To this point, I had no expectations at all about this dinner other than it would be a nice, peaceful, serene, relaxing, and loving dinner with Mommy and Daddy....

It was at this point that my Mom uttered a sentence that instantly turned this beautiful experience into a terrifying one.....but before I get to the sentence, let me dredge up a horrific specter from the past, since it allows my story to make sense...

A Rare Glimpse Into Jeff's Scary High School Daze (This is long):

When I was in high school, I knew this guy named Chris Canarelli. Now, a lot of people didn't like him very much, almost entirely because he was very overweight, so as you might expect, he bore the usual crass "fat jokes" from people....Being an outsider myself (because I was small, had a cheesy haircut, and was much smarter than the stupid, but much bigger jocks), I didn't like that very much, so I befriended him. But in truth, my friendship with him, from my perspective, was shallow -- I didn't have very much in common with him at all, other than the fact that we were both outsiders. Once high school was finished, I figured that I probably wouldn't talk to him again.

I couldn't have been more wrong....

Once college started (we attended different schools), Chris started calling me on the phone (dum dum dum!!!!!)...OK, that's fine, no big deal, right? Well, not so fast.....First off, these calls were like 2 hours long apiece, and in them, Chris would COMPLETELY dominate the conversation, as in Chris talks 98.5% of the time, and Jeff talks 0.6% of the time...(what happened to the other 0.9%, you ask? Oh, that's just wasted phone time from me acting out my veritably insane anger at the beginning of each conversation by banging my fist ferociously into a pillow or ripping a telephone book in half....of course, I couldn't make a peep with my voice while performing excessive violence, which presented quite a challenge)...

But it was SOOO much worse than just that...It was painfully obvious in these conversations that no matter WHAT I said, it just went into one of Chris's ears and out the other...I quickly realized that my role in the conversation could be substituted using a water bucket or any other stationary cleaning object. And these calls were FREQUENT maaan!!...I mean, I was FREAKIN' busy in college, I was ALWAYS studying, and for me to waste 2 hours on each of these calls was very, very deflating, to say the least..

But it was EVEN WORSE than just that.....I mean, these calls were genetically engineered to be as boring and irrelevant to my life and experiences as possible....Literally, every call ended up being about Chris's college friends that I never saw (well, that's my fault -- I never visited, big freakin' surprise) , the complex Web making up Chris's friendship network and its many, many individual links (and yes, there were many, because I was treated to a lengthy description of ALL of them), or about him learning how to be a better Republican, (which sometimes included reasons why liberals are destroying America).....Of course, if I told him that I was a liberal, then that might have been a quick and easy way of ending our friendship...But there was also the possibility that he would take that as a challenge and attempt to convert (AKA: save) me from liberalism (AKA: satanism, according to staunch conversatives like Chris) to conservative beliefs (almost like a religious conversion), which of course meant that he would INCREASE the number of calls he made to me....and I couldn't have that......no sir.......

So at this point, he was becoming my "annoying friend"...Everyone has one at some point in their life.....But amazingly, no one has EVER come up with a solution to cutting off the annoying friend with little to no drama....My plan was to stay distant and selectively ignore him...

No dice.

He eventually started inviting me to movies along with some of my other friends...so yes, he began to invade some of my other social spheres!! ahh!!!!....of course, I couldn't completely ignore him yet, and I thought, "Well, I AM going to see a movie, and he's not such bad company in person....Just give him a chance, c'mon! You can deal with a little Chris you baby!"...

The problem was, whenever we made plans, Chris would ALWAYS insist on driving, and with this, he felt he had the power to choose the movie to watch as well.....and as you might guess, we watched movies that were just NOT worth the ticket prices........I still remember the Jurassic Park III nightmare, although the Brokedown Palace viewing was perhaps the most egregious of these outings (The final still shot of the movie, which showed Claire Daines sporting an extremely stupid smile on her face as she looks to the side, is imprinted into my nightmares)......We would have to pay $10 per ticket for THOSE movies, because we could only go AT NIGHT, after the matinee, when the tickets were half price......And let me say that even if I saw Brokedown Palace for free, it would still have been a rip-off...

OK, despite all that I mentioned above, the core issue was that Chris and I were living COMPLETELY different lives, and I just felt like we had ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in common.
So basically it got to the point where I just wasn't enjoying myself talking to Chris on the phone OR in person. The calls kept on coming, and I didn't know what to do......So I decided to enact: "Project DidntSeeYa" -- I decided to just not return any of his calls or emails...EVER....I wanted to avoid confrontation at all costs, and I hoped he would get the message that our friendship was over.

But guess what?? The calls STILL didn't stop!!! In fact, it started getting kinda scary...Chris kept calling and leaving messages on my answering machine, month after month after month...And with each message, the tone of his voice turned from disappointment, then to anger, then finally to a kind of sadistic taunting....I remember one particular message, where he said something like:

"Hey Jeff!!! I'M STILL WAITING for you to return MY CALLS NOW!!!!! I just wanted to see what you've BEEN DOING FOR ALL THESE WEEKS!!"

He was getting pretty close to harassment, so I had to make a tough decision -- I had to DIRECTLY tell him off (Using modern political lingo, I might call this: The Nuclear Option)
...So I took the quick and cowardly way out -- an email.

This worked..and I have yet to hear from him since then.....but his parents still live in my hometown, and because of this, there's ALWAYS the possibility of bumping into him around here..and this my readers, I DREAD!

BACK TO THE STORY

OK, so what did my Mom whisper to me in Charlie Browns' restaurant that turned my face into a pallid shade of gray???:

"Ummm...Jeff........I don't want to alarm you or anything, but sitting right behind us is Chris Cana--"

She didn't even have to finish the last name, I let out a gasp of intense fear......I felt my muscles tense up terribly, and suddenly, my once-serene dinner with my parents on a holiday weekend was now a severe trial. I DID not want any kind of showdown or incident, especially NOT NOW....I then remembered the harassing phone messages and realized that my fear was actually justified.

Apparently, Chris didn't see me or my parents either, so as long as I stayed extremely quiet and didn't make myself visible in their field of view, I would be fine....But this required some precautions on my part:

(1: My hopes for a salad bar extravaganza were OUT...I couldn't risk being in Chris's field of vision.

(2: When I talked with my parents, I HAD to keep my voice down..

Additionally, Chris would be able to recognize my Mom, so I urged her with every fiber in my being to get soup instead of salad...My mom steadfastly refused to take part in my childish game, and she proceeded to the salad bar..

Now, when the waitress came to take our order, I gave her an unusual order of Hibachi Chicken.....When she said, "And what will you being having sir?", I first whispered, hibachi chicken....She volubly asked me to repeat....I then pointed at the menu...she volubly asked, "Hibachi chicken sir!?"....I quickly nodded my head, as she gave me a perplexed look....I could have said that I had a sore throat and lost my voice, but at the time, I couldn't think up an excuse very quickly, so I just gave her this extremely sheepish and timid look....I believe she thought that I was socially inept, or worse yet, a tech guy.....Hmmm...

During the course of the meal, Chris ended up going to the salad bar 2 times, and each time, I had to move to the other side of the booth and pretend to study the ketchup and sugar.....At one point, when we reached the 45 minute mark in this madness, we saw Chris go up to the salad bar yet again, and frustration boiled over amongst us....My Dad exclaimed under his breath, "Again?! How many times has that guy went up to the salad bar already?!"...So ever so slowly, our serene holiday dinner was turning into an episode of "Rescue Me".

When all was said and done, our hideout lasted about an hour and a combined 6 salad bar trips among Chris and his family. All things considered, however, I was quite lucky -- the bathroom happened to be located closer to them than to us, meaning that they didn't have to pass by us to use the restroom. Also, we realized that they must have arrived only a couple of minutes before we did, so there was a very real possibility of bumping into Chris right in front of the restaurant.

But in the end, they left -- very, very slowly -- and I was able to finally take my first liberated bite in the whole meal...And I did, as I wolfed down my parsley....

And that, my fellow readers, is my story.....yes, I know that blog was WAYYY too long, but I needed to tell this story, for its comedic pettiness was a thing to behold.

Thank you, and good night!

How bout' a dating-disaster mini?

2005-06-15T16:58:00.000-07:00

It's about time for one, isnt' it? :-)

But first off, there's some big news:

I've been named VICE PRESIDENT of the Central New Jersey Hypoglycemic Local Piano Tuners Union 412! Woohoo!!

So while all of you are shaking your heads out of shame and pity for me (Pity is VERY UNDERRATED..I'll take it any day of the week! LOL), read the REALLY big news by clicking the link below:

the REALLY BIG NEWS!

(The first part of this blog is actually part of an elaborate trap set up by yours truly to test YOUR LOYALTY....If the last thing you read was the contents pointed to by the above link, then there WILL BE CONSEQUENCES!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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The tithe you must pay towards my blog will be increased dramatically! Now you must donate a box of Jujjifruits IN ADDITION TO a box of raisinets, once per DECADE!
)

...!!! Hey!..there you are!!!...OK, so I was discussing.....nothing...and I figured, what the hey, how bout' a dating disaster mini?? Sounds like fun, no? (Actually, I just answered my own question: Q: "Sounds like fun?" A: "No.")

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OK, so I was in my favorite setting for dating disaster stories -- BORDERS BOOKSTORE, of course. And as usual, I go there ostensibly to read about scholarly subjects, such as the new shape of the universe (the last I heard, the latest theory is that it has the shape of JLo's Ass -- and this is consistent with the fact that the universe is EXPANDING at an accelerating rate........this also goes to show you that despite centuries of advances in mathematics and quantum theory, scientists continue to base their theories mostly on pop culture's hottest babes)

yes, so I go there to read on the surface, but half of my brain is in cro-magnon mode, as I seek a sexy mate. But the same sequence of events always transpires: I see several hot girls, but they're always with these muscle-head guys that just DO NOT want to be there, so I give up and go talk to the girl behind the register at the coffee bar.

Now, the turnover rate at this place is very high, so I'm bound to meet a couple new girls a month behind the counter. Last week's girl was very cute: she's petite and full of energy and exceedingly happy. She laughed a lot too, and it was a feminine, bubbly laugh, so I liked the initial prospects. I started talking about something silly, and we hit it off -- for the first 10 minutes, that is....

OK, so how did I screw this one up????

Let me say that this time, I had nothing to do with it, I swear....My theory is that the same demon that possessed me while talking to agent bookslave years ago (when I talked unbelievably fast about the 70's grossout horror film "The Baby") returned to take control of my body and ruin this conversation for me....

But how was it done???

OK, so due to the fact that I continue to be in the throes of extended puberty, my voice tends to crack unexpectedly every once in a while. However, it can crack in one of 2 oblique directions -- either VERY HIGH or VERY LOW......

Keeping this in mind: so we're talking about our favorite foods to cook (anyone who knows me has already figured out that I was totally acting, since they also know that I can't cook a lick....LOL) , and the girl says, "You know what food I really like to make?".....And she says it with that glint in her eye, the glint that says, "Wow...I like this guy....hee hee!"

So I wanted to respond to her with an animated, "What's that?", with a cute smile on my face.......However, something else transpired.....something horrible...

My voice cracked in the VERY LOW direction, and I responded in a voice that sounded like a bad Satanic overdub....

(**Click HERE to hear Jeff's voice temporarily controlled by Satan for 1.12 seconds, for the sole purpose of ruining his chances with yet another girl)

As soon as this was uttered, the girl immediately assumed that I was angry or annoyed at her, or the line of conversation, so she responded with, "Well, you don't HAVE TO HEAR IT if you don't want to...but...." etc.....The glint in her eye disappeared, and now, I had merely become a talkative Borders customer taking up too much of her time -- while blocking the customer line....If memory serves me correctly, I think less than 10 seconds passed between me uttering my satanic phrase, and me returning to my table to read about science......yep...the dark side is very powerful indeed, stay away if you know what's good for ya!

And that is it.....whew, what a blog, now it's time for me to practice my Arabic lessons...."Arabic lessons you say? You're just being silly, right???"......Well....you'll have to read my next blog to find out, won't you? :-)

INTRODUCING THE SECOND WAVE OF THE PIT

2005-06-11T09:45:00.000-07:00

Hola!

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!..LOL...Yes, it's been almost 2 months since my previous exasperated post...Damn, did I need that break, but lots of stuff has happened over the past 2 months, and my cognitive/imaginative wackiness is beginning to return (or relapse, you decide:-))..

OK, first off, I hope you like the new template...Unfortunately, last night, I was planning to blog, and in the middle of the post, which, of course, was chock full of whimsical and slightly crazy jokes, a MASSIVE power failure hit!...At first, I thought it was just our house, but when I saw packs of flashlight gangs (along with their ravenous dobermans and family crowbar/metal pipe sacks...j/k.) hit the streets outside of my house, I knew that something in our area happened...

Now, whenever a power failure hits, my dad descends into survivalist mode. My mom and I had no doubt that the residents in our neighborhood most likely just used WAY too much power -- it was mid 80's and ridiculously humid, mind you. So we were just laying around in our living room lackadaisically, waiting for the TV to provide some color to our vacuous Friday night (and ONLY color: in watching a Stephen Segal movie, one does not expect anything remotely close to cognitive inspiration -- but what else were we to do? Read?? Spend some quality family time?? Improve our lives in any number of meaningful, ethical, spiritual ways??? HA! HA!!..and..HA!!!)

Sometimes, it is absolutely necessary and quite healthy to be as stupid as possible.

So anyway, my Dad started scrambling all over the house, assuming that Al Qaeda hit NYC, and quickly provided us with flashlights. He was ready to traverse the neighborhood to survey other people's power situation.

I got bored and went to Borders bookstore -- TO READ! (dum-dum-dum! ahhhh!!) Worse yet, I read about science -- specifically, how the photons that make up light have the bizarre and seemingly impossible (but confirmed) property of being in multiple places at the EXACT same time! Weird!

However, even after coming back, no power was restored to anyone in our neighborhood, so I spent last night listening to CD's in my car. When I woke up this morning, we had power again, and all was well once again with this particular universe (as for the universe where my lesbian pony that lives in the house continuously fails at her potty training -- that's another story.....??)

OK, and that's what happened last night....So much has happened the last 2 months, including a couple of BRAND SPANKIN' NEW dating disaster stories! These aren't quite as intricate as some past incidents, but nonetheless, they are guaranteed to spawn countless parties and good timez!!

For now, enjoy the template -- and I'm not finished with my decorative renovations...I may do something very funky with the background, if I can figure it out......

Ta Ta!

I need a blogger vacation!

2005-04-18T16:16:00.000-07:00

Hiya!

As you most likely have noticed -- or perhaps not..LOL -- I have not blogged in a week, which is highly unusual for an ostensible blog zealot like myself...

Well, lemme tell you the truth: I am temporarlily ALL BLOGGED OUT!!...You think it's easy writing a lengthly blog every day, especially entries that are loaded with jokes, content, witty jabs, irony, hidden sarcasm, an occasional secret message encoded in the text, whimsical unpredictability, AND multi-vitamin prizes?? Huh??? ..........I said HUH?????!!!!!

The fact is, although part of me loves writing these blogs, another part of me HATES IT, because I end up having no time for the rest of my life! Right now, there are several other of Jejjy boy that need to be tackled, such as the adult literacy program (which is basically a mini-teaching position, since I have to do things like write lesson plans, gather helpful materials and articles, study and plan in advance, etc.), my sci-fi/avant-garde/abstract/ultra-violent literature epic, taking on additonal responsibilities at my job (I received my first training in doing the layout of our newspaper, something in which I have no previous experience), continue my Jeopardy! training (yesterday, I learned about Art Noveau, Art Deco and Japanese wood block prints), prepare for the GRE (which I will take at some point in the next 25 years, I PROMISE!! LOL), and plan a plethora of summer activites, including hiking, letterboxing, kayaking, and a music festival in Pennsylvania called NEARFest, which I have been trying to get tickets to for the last 2 weeks...but that's a story unto itself..LOL..

And then I have to get back to Butterscotch with a new snail-mail!....Lots to do, so little time...

So until things settle down a bit, I ABSOLUTELY have to do cut down on blog time....As a result, my blogger vacation starts.............NOW!

One of Those Stubborn Xenophobic Stints...

2005-04-11T17:29:00.000-07:00

Howdy!

It's been a few days since I've blogged; in fact, I've been largely derelict in my blogging routine of late...Why? Am I losing my passion to blog? Am I losing my passion to write in general? Is my newfound social life (where Jeff's Friends >= 2, still a dizzying, rarified concept for me) interfering with my introverted paradise of uncorrupted, pristine nerdiness?

Well...not really...Actually, the explanation for my absence is rather simple: I just didn't feel like writing yet another 1000 word blog entry about yet another one my hopelessly weird, inaccessible and inscrutable tales involving angels composed of soy margarine, or Danny Glover's brother forcing a box cutter fight with Harvey, the invisible rabbit.

Speaking of which -- I must know: has anyone besides me heard of Harvey the Invisible rabbit? I thought that in the very least, Harvey was minimally known in underground pop culture circles as some type of silly underground 50's character. But during this past Saturday's adult literacy class, I made a joke about Harvey the Invisible Rabbit, thinking that my classmates, average age of 45 or so, would be suffocating from a giant LAUGH-BOMB!...........but no......in fact, the EXACT opposite occurred: utter, sublime, pure silence.....If there was EVER a time in which silence could be crystallized from life solution at 100% purity and yield, this would have been the time (a little joke for my chemistry cohorts....so Dave, if you're reading.....oh well [tear]...j/k) ...

I MEAN NOTHING! It was astounding, I've never heard such a dearth of noise for about 5 seconds!...The collective quizzical countenance on the faces of the rest of the class was nearly enough to psychically levitate me out the door, into the hallway, and onto the floor, face first -- no, make that teeth first...LOL....

But I won the hearts of the class shortly afterwards by making a sex change joke about myself....

No, I'm not kidding......You see, I am the only guy in the class -- It's all women, teachers included -- and then little ol' Jejji! (Disclaimer: NEVER CALL ME JEJJI....ever............ever....lol)

So anyway, as long as I make light of the fact that I'm the only guy through such self-denigrating jokes translating to: "I need a sex change", or "I'm a girly man", then I'll get along just dandy!......no pun intended...[cough]..

BTW, I've always found that whenever I've had the highest degree of success with women, it always somehow involved any or all of the following:
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(1: Jeff making fun of his chicken wing shoulder blades

(2: Jeff embarrassing himself by showing his massive collection of Norwegian Gods and Goddesses card and sticker collections.

(3: Jeff detailing the various times in which I've scampered away quickly from a physical confrontation...
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You would think that women would just LOVE to hear about their riveting eyes, or their perfectly chiseled features of pristine beauty, or whatever pretensious impromptu crap I could come up with....

But no, I've found that they prefer me just making fun of the myriad of inadequacies my body possesses..LOL

.......So, as you might have guessed, this blog was about why I've been so xenophobic over the past few days....LOL...I dunno...I think its a remnant from my antisocial Nintendo/ultra-competitive academic childhood. I was like the Diana DeGarmo of High School -- meaning that I was a giggly 16 year old high school girl, who subsequently got a sex change after getting my ass beat by --

Jeff blog reader says "Let me guess: Fantasia, right?"

Jeff says, "Wrong! It was her bigger, meaner, nastier cousin, Peachez! She got ghetto on me, and I realized that if I was ever to defend myself against the aggression of Peachez, I would need a sex change....Naturally, I became computer geek Jeff...Yah!...Real smart move....

Wow, I'm so sardonic today! Sorry!...OK, why I've been xenophobic the last few days:...Let's try it again....LOL.....all right, so every so often, whether it's unresolved depression, or intensely introverted feelings, or just prolonged weariness, I just don't want to do anything, talk to anyone, go out, or even move from the couch..It's not really intertwined with IBS, but it crops up now and again.....To be honest, I don't really know why I get like that sometimes..

I'm sorta still in the throes of it, but am showing some signs of digging myself out of it....I think a key turning point was this afternoon, when I overheard Lynn talking on the phone with a prospective salesperson at New Jersey Lawyer. Initially, the conversation was typical, Lynn talking about the job, what it requires, the kind of atmosphere in NJL on a day by day basis, etc...But after about 10 minutes, I noticed that the conversation became more informal, more friendly, more fluid, and less mechanical.

It was at this moment that I came up with a comical but nonetheless HORRIBLE idea for a new TV show. OK, here's the premise:

Our main character, whom we would never see and rarely hear, each episode, responds to a help wanted ad at a different company. One episode could be a response to a classified ad for a sales job, another could be a response to a help wanted ad for a computer programmer, etc...

Each episode would basically start off the same: a conversation about the job. And the viewer would only see it from the perspective of the person already working in the company. However, as the episode would go on, the call would get increasingly personal, until it got to the point where deeply emotional issues associated with past wrongs and childhood memories were discussed....A regular feature of the show (much like the "Angel Scene" in 'Touched By An Angel') would be the "Personal Revelation' scene, where the employer would have one of his/her most deeply traumatic issues resolved by this prospective employee. At the end, once the issue was resolved, the mystery caller would turn down the job, saying, "I don't need the job...My work there is already done."..

The show would be called:

Help Wanted

Notice the double meaning? Eh?.....Eh?!

OK, whatever..

So I'm showing signs......And now, I must eat my nighty-night peanut butter and jelly sandwich with multi-vitamin.....G'night!

I can't blog about the Ghosts of Pasha because.....

2005-04-07T19:02:00.000-07:00

I HAVE HOMEWORK!..I'm not kidding!.....It's for my adult literacy class, I have to read chapters 1-4 in one book, chapters 1 and 2 in another, and complete a ditto...omigod, I think I'm gonna throw up.....[Jeff vomits violently, as this turn of events reminds him of the dark, dark days of high school geometry....uggggghhh..]'

So just as back then, homework prevented me from doing anything with my friends (well, actually, back then, Nintendo prevented me from having a social life -- but man, NO ONE was better than me at Super Mario Brothers 3, or Castlevania...or Metal Gear....or....oh, never mind[tear]) , homework is now preventing me from SAYING anything to my small but loyal audience of witty shadowlings.

After I'm done with my homework, THEN, and only then, can I talk about the Ghosts of Pasha....awwww geeeeeee...

Jeff Steps Into Uncharted Territory: His VERY OWN Social Life

2005-04-06T18:48:00.000-07:00

Hello howdy hola wazzup!!

I'm baaack! Yeeeeeaaaaahhhh!!!!! YEEEEEEEEHAAAAAWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW YA DOIN'!!!!![my fans respond: alrightIguessss....]

[Jeff is fazed, but quickly summons his excitment for a second try]

I SAIIIIDDDD!!!!!!!

HOW YA DOIN'!!!!!!

[fans respond with annoyed, somewhat menacing glares in my direction]

Oh wait! [Jeff has an idea ]

OK, let's try this one more time.........

HOW YA DOIN!!!!

[Jeff quickly pulls out blown up picture and shows it to the crowd]:

Crowd responds: WOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There we are!!!!! That's what I THOUGHT I would hear....I'm so glad to see all of you too!! Haha..I SURE AM!! Yes indeed!! [Jeff mutters under his breath: I've got a little text message for you, you bunch o' lousy, ungrateful --] ! Oh...I didn't notice you there...[nervous laugh]....

Anyway, Yes!!!.....Believe it or not, I have been busy of late, and this time, I've been using BOTH hands!.........ahem.....so for the first time in a very long while, I can honestly say that I am on my way to creating for moi, my very own, genuine, authentic, veritable, tangible, palpable, perceptible, conceivable -- actually, I have been rubbing the top of my back for the last 5 minutes or so, and I've noticed that I am peeling off A LOT of dead skin. I believe that this is the result of standing with my back to the showerhead during many a hot shower in the morning. Does anyone else have this problem? What would happen if you took a shower that lasted 8 hours? Or 16? or 24? Would it be possible to make your entire skin coelom dead skin through an illimitable shower, in which case, you can peel yourself like string chese, thus revealing an inner core of raspberry preserves with a side of gourmet sausage? What's the longest shower on record? I think, if it were up to me, and given an unlimited amount of hot water -- I would live in the shower, 'cause I love it mutants and mutanttes, 'caus I love it!!!! -- actual, social life!!.........[Let's pause for 15 seconds to reflect on the mysteries and baffling behavior of Jeff...after 2 seconds, it is realized that the remaining seconds will serve no purpose, as it has been decided that Jeff was probably created in an experimental genetic laboratory that attempted to cross various kinds of marsupials, INCLUDING THE OPPOSSUM (which is often overlooked as a marsupial, but nonetheless, it IS ONE! DO NOT DISCRIMINATE AGAINST THE MARSUPIAL!!!) with a gila monster.]

......Really, what can I possibly say after that blurb?? Hey, cut me some slack, I'm still dealing with the exciting aftermath of the latest dramatic episode of 'Lost'....Oh well, what I do want to talk about was an extremely weird conversation I had with a semi-famous actress from the 70's: she was actually more famous for the role she played in one famous movie than for her anything else she did in her life, childbirth included. So with my co-worker "R", I attended a comic book convention this past Sunday, and I arrive there at 2:00PM. While waiting to meet up with "R", I was basically killing time, wandering aimlessly from exhibit to exhibit, looking at uninteresting comics and DVD cult movies that I've watched like 6 times already, thus confirming my hopelessly exclusive and snobbish movie tastes, when I look up for a moment. The first thing I see is:
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Take a Guess

(a: Carson Daly as a stylish robotic spider from the 23rd century.
(b: A Halloween costume of a multi-vitamin, with a cylindrical shape and granular exterior

(c: Over-extensive 45-year-old cleavage
(d: Over-extensive footage of Charles-in-Charge footage ("Hey it's me!!.......Buddy!!!"....Buddy Lembeck was the ORIGINAL Kramer, I don't care what anyone says...)
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And the answer is:

C: Over-extensive 45-year old clevage

Now look....I REALLY didn't want to see these breasts, OK (and I'll be the first one to admit -- being a guy, I love breasts...but when it comes to aging, sagging, or scientifically-grown-and-fertilized breasts, THAT'S an entirely different story)....I immediately looked away, looked down, to the right, to the left, any which direction I could just to get my eyes away -- and then I looked behind this woman, and I saw several blown up pictures from the movie "Saturday Night Fever" -- including pictures of John Travolta, of Olivia Newton John, and then many of John Travolta's dance partner -- then I looked at the woman in front of me..DING DING DING!! We have a winner!

So I was looking at Karen Lynn Gorney, but her real name is John Travolta's Dance Partner (initialed: JTDP) Now, the weird thing was that I had a pounding headache, even before I saw the sacriligeous protrusions, so I was not nearly in top social improv form. Besides, I don't know THAT MUCH about Saturday Night Fever, so when I started talking to her, I sounded like a gushing fan that was in awe of her...I was like, "Hey!..Umm...yeah...so....see, the thing is....umm...ya know...wait! yea....yes...........OK, so Yeah! I like..ummm..that movie...THIS!....um..movie...with you...YOU WERE GREAT!! REALLY!...REALLY...REALLY....GREAT....."

Needless to say, Karen Lynn Gorney was quite confused, so she relieved the tension by showcasing --- her CD's, of course!...heh heh.....What did you think I was going to say??..heh heh...--So, she peddled this CD she created in the late 70's, a CD of original songs, a CD of various types of songs -- dare I say, a prog CD? Wait! It gets better...The CD was dedicated to her dead cat, named El Gato, who lived from 1980-1998...She then autographed it with a little heart for me and asked if I wanted to buy it...I said yes....Why??? I honestly don't know....

But I will say this -- this CD has amazing comic potential. For instance, look at the front cover:

And now here's a fairly crappy picture of the back cover (I wanted to scan it into my computer, but my scanner broke! Doh! So I found this small, fairly inadequate picture from Yahoo! image search..You can't read the song titles, but you CAN see a gigantic white cat):

And there you have it.....Honestly, I can't possibly imagine what lies ahead of me in that CD..Who knows? Maybe it's really good, I wouldn't know right now.....

But maybe it's not really good......and that would be fine too, of course, from a Simon-Cowell mordant-musical-cynic perspective :-)

And yeah...the other 4 hours at the convention were fun...me and "R" looked at several ridiculous crossover comics, including "Spiderboy" (Spiderman and Superboy) and "Lobo The Duck" (Lobo and Howard the Duck)...we had fun, we talked, yada yada yada....whatever...

But yeah!!.....Karen Lynn Gorney will forever live in my mind for her surprisingly and mysteriously daring physical showing, as well as this bizarre artifact of a CD that will undoubtedly become a cult item amongst musical antique collectors in the near future, I'm sure....

What a weird conversation...

Tomorrow: More with the Ghosts of Pasha News Network!

Upcoming Blogs! Why am I yelling?!

2005-04-03T20:46:00.000-07:00

Hola!

I'm leaving tomorrow for a technology conference in Hershey, Pennsylvania called America East!..So I won't be able to blog until Wednesday...

But have no fear: I've got some utterly weird and random tales for YOU!...Some possible blogs you'll see in the near future include:

(1: A Dating Disaster story: Turning down a near perfect girl for one superficial reason...

(2: More Ghosts of Pasha news, including some astonishing injustices the band is suffering at the hands of some deadbeat club owners who won't shell out the cash they promised! -- AND I'M TAKING NAMES!!

(3: A Sunday evening at the comic book convention with my co-worker "R"....I had a good time, actually, but nonetheless, I experienced one of the stranger moments/conversations in my recent life (years from 2000-present), when I chatted with a 70's movie celebrity dame..Guess who? (If you guess right, I will give you -- not one...NOT TWO...BUT THREEE! multi-vitamins, containing RDA prescribed values of over 30 crucial vitamins and minerals -- including "badass" niacin and "bitchin" copper.

(4: A NEW dance, complete and replete with homemade costumes and imagination, depleted of personal pride :-)

OK, till then, happy..umm..whatever...I'm out of the office for a couple of days! Woohoo!...and I'm off to Hershey, the land of chocolate, to go to wonderfully geeky/enjoyable sessions about Web design/strategy/marketing, and to get a chocolate mud bath! (No, I'm not kidding -- add that to the list of blogs comin' up!)

Uh oh...

2005-03-31T17:15:00.000-08:00

In the last few days, my blog entries have been WAY TOO LONG...

So tonight, I just want to talk about how I'm going to be "The Bad Guy" tomorrow...

OK, here's the story: So at work, there's this guy, who I will refer to as "R". Now, he's a nice guy and very intelligent, but like anyone else, he's not without his faults -- his is that he's very, very uptight.

So we have a few things in common, such as semi-obscure movies and other geeky hobbies like comic books. Last month, he invited me to go to a comic book convention in NYC, right across from Penn Station. Because I am the type of person that is accessible to all (Jeff smiles, as several pictures are taken of me wearing a brown hooded robe, in a pose where I am handing out a fish to a starving man wearing tattered clothing -- that's my pompous hubris of the week) I figured that it might be fun to do something in the city with R, who shared some of my more underappreciated interests..

Remember, this was about a month ago...So in the next few weeks, it was very clear that R was excited about me going with him -- every day at work, he would approach my cubicle and add a detail or ask a question about the trip: "Hey Jeff, I thought we might meet at...", "Jeff, how about meeting at 2 p.m.?....", "Hey Jeff, what restaurants do you want to eat at, because if we.."...etc.....Now it did get fairly annoying after a while, especially in regards to setting up a meeting place. One day, R announced to me that he was going to NYC, and while there, he would scout for possible meeting locations in Penn Station. I thought this was a bit ridiculous and even a little comical, since we discussed the meeting place at least 7 different times previously.

Nonetheless, despite R's uptight and unnecessarily maddening preparations, I looked forward to going to this comic convention with him.....What was made MOST clear to me was the intense joy my arrival seemed to engender within him, which is flattering to me...

However, this is where the "Bad Guy" idea comes into play -- I found out today, while at work, that my literacy tutor training starts this Saturday -- THE VERY SAME DAY THAT I'M GOING INTO NYC WITH R. --....but still, I figured that if the class, which starts at 10am, was a couple of hours, then I could make it into NYC and meet R and the convention, allowing for a lengthy day of fun....

But I figured WRONG.....the class runs for 5 HOURS!!, and ends at 3PM!.....By the time I get to the city (at best, 5PM, since the train ride is about an hour to Penn Station from where I am), the convention will be over, and R will be very, very sad.....

I have no choice but to break the news to him tomorrow.....and the worst part is that it really SEEMS like a cop out on my part, even though it isn't..I mean, from R's perspective, I suddenly come up with an "excuse" that will just prevent me from getting to the convention on time....and of course, my training class issue just sprang up yesterday....to a social cynic, what I tell R tomorrow will seem like a very weak excuse, or a boldface lie...

OK, I'm no stranger to weak excuses or boldface lies, but this time, I'm telling the truth! I have nothing to feel guilty about, yet, I feel as if I did something wrong.....

This is one of those situations that will be a lot funnier to other people looking on than to the partipants......I mean, will R revert back to his antisocial cocoon and never look at me again? Will he break out of his impassive, somewhat aloof, extremely conservative shell?

I can imagine the following Monday morning:

********************************************************************************
Jeff: Hey...how are...umm...things?
R: [muttering something silently, looking away from me]
Jeff:....umm...well.....uhhh......how was your...uhhh..Sunda-
R: NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU #@$%#@!! You've crossed me Partyka, and anyone who crosses me finds out who I REALLY am in a hurry! I won't tell you HOW......I won't tell you WHEN, but you'll KNOW ALL TOO WELL when I have enacted my revenge on you:

You'll see your name sprawled upon the walls of New Jersey Lawyer:

IN A SEA OF BLOOD!!!!!RRROOOOAAARRRRR!!!!!!

I guess you're IBS will get a bit worse after that, eh buddy??!!

[R storms away angrily .....Jeff starts weeping like a baby, with Brooke and Lynn looking on]..

Jeff: [notices Lynn and Brooke staring at Jeff] -- Well!! You've got ads to sell people!! You've got ads to sell!! Get back to work!!! NOW!!!!
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.....most likely, I'm exaggerating horribly, and R will understand just fine....[cough]......[insert Jeff smiley]

I'll keep you posted......

Beseiged by Inspiration

2005-03-30T18:31:00.000-08:00

The virtually freaky amounts of creative and professional inspiration I've received in the past few days have nearly made up for the last few weeks of mentally destructive IT work I've had to deal with in the office -- in particular, dealing with a horrible company named Saxotech that makes it ABSOLUTELY clear to me that me and my company just aren't worth much to them -- well, at least not while the bong is being passed around amongst their tech support team...

But I won't use this blog to mouth off about Saxotech and the innumerable pains that clownish operation has caused me, for heavens sake no...Instead, I will focus on the many optimistic and positive occurrences that have uplifted my spirits and galvanized my after-work life with activities not related to Survivor and 3-hour ciestas (while wearing an authentic sombrero) ending at 10:00 PM -- "Well, I guess I better eat something, then it's off to bed for me at 11PM! [Jeff performs jug dance, then hits his head with a wooden spatula exactly 28 times].... uhhh...huhhuhuhuh.....huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh................huhuhu!!"

.....errrggguguugugugug

OK, what REALLY lifted my spirits and boosted my creative confidence was an unexpected windfall of very high praise that I received at Don Hills, where the Ghosts of Pasha, a soon-to-be juggernaut in the world of Post-Indie rock, performed to a clamoring and rowdy audience. Honestly, the last thing I expected when coming to the show was praise for my VERY OWN musical talents....lol

But that's what happened, and here's why: file this under the "Things You Never Knew About Jeff Partyka, and Probably Wish You Never Asked In The First Place", or as I like to call it for short, TYNKAJPAPWYNAITFP.....that acronym just ROLLS off the tongue, doesn't it?

Anyway, here it is:
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Jeff Factoid #2353353212-344-435b

About a year and a half ago, I finished creating an electronic music CD, the result of sporadic work completed over a period of about 2 years.

********************************************************************************

Yes, it's true! If you don't believe me, I'll order you a copy :-)

But to give a little background: it's an electronic music CD where I edited sound samples from my 7500 mp3s (about 30 GB worth) and pieced them together to form a song-like structure. Often times, great detail went into the planning of the songs, as I would draw "layer diagrams" that would dictate when certain sounds would start and others would stop, and all of the combinations of these sounds at any given time. The CD was basically intended to be a snapshot of my uncontrollably random brain at the age of 22 -- I saw my brain as a heaping, overflowing box of crap, and I spilled it onto my CD, in audio and visual forms. I'm proud to say that I did not just the songs, but the production for each song, and the artwork of the front and back covers.

Anyway, so here's the story behind the praise of my musical creation talent at Don Hills: I gave out a few of my CD's to people, and I found that I generally received 2 kinds of feedback: (1: Glowing, rave reviews attesting to the complexity of my songs, as well as their careful structuring. (2: Negative feedback, which always came in the form of silence........as in crickets silence......as in Montana 12:00 AM silence (or Montana 12:00 PM silence for that matter)....as in SNL punchline silence..........now THAT'S silence....LOL...(I always thought that SNL wasn't actually a sketch comedy show, but a sociology experiment cleverly designed to gauge discomfort and boredom amongs large groups of random people)

So one year ago, I ordered a copy of my CD for a guy named Aaron (part of the Sayreville contigent that attends GOP shows). Upon seeing the artwork, he was impressed and clearly showed some interest in listening to the songs. I was excited! I thought, "OK, now I'm going to get the opinion of someone who has been involved with music for his entire life"...These kinds of opinions I value the most, when it comes to reviewing my CD, because they are advanced enough to make keen observations regarding the production of the songs, their general design, and the layers of ambience in each track. My brother Chris really liked my CD, so I was 1/1 amongst the experts...Could I make it 2/2 with Aaron?

So for a few weeks, I eagerly checked my email, and.....no messages. Eventually, I lost hope in ever getting an email, and I wondered if possibly my CD got lost in the mail. After 6 months of hearing nothing, I figured that Aaron probably didn't like my CD -- not that my spirit was crushed or anything, or even that I was slighty disappointed -- I just figured that my CD wasn't for everyone (that much is definitely true; my CD, consisting of songs about intergalactic funerals for emperors and excerpts from extraterrestrial movies about bile extraction factories, is not what you would call top 40 material...LOL)

Fast forward one year to Don Hills, the site of last Saturday's GOP show. I'm chilling with my brothers, and suddenly, Aaron appears!...We shake hands, we exchange the usual greetings, but then he blurts out immediately:

"Jeff! I LOVED your CD! It was great! The way you melded together the songs...it was brilliant!"

Well, I don't know about you, but after weeks upon weeks of horrible winter weather, bullshit at work, and IBS-related problems, this was probably the best news I've received in a very, very long time. It really made me smile. And to call my CD brilliant??!! Wow!....That blows me away!...I was proud of my acheivement, but I thought that I could do a lot better. (and I will after I'm done with my sophomore effort, an exasperatingly detailed work at this point)

Again, that made me feel good; this has inspired me to work HARDER THAN EVER to create my unique brand of homemade electronic jaded-office-worker ambience, with a touch of sci-fi madness and sprinkles of wacky comedy throughout.

There is other stuff that has inspired me, like the 60 degree temperatures and driving golf balls over a hundred yards during my lunch hour....but that will be a story for another day!

The Ghosts of Pasha News Network: Monday and Tuesday, March 28-29, 2005

2005-03-29T16:15:00.001-08:00

Here is your host: from Washington -- Tim Russert....oh wait....he's interviewing that guy from the "other" GOP, the evil kind.......which one? (audience erupts in laughter, massive applause follows)

...Oh wait!....the REAL host of the Ghosts of Pasha News Network is Jeff Partyka!..
[Jeff stands up and applauds]...Wooo!!! Yeah!!!!!! [but all he hears is a slient, cavernous echo, followed by a howling wolf in the night]......[Jeff grumbles silently to himself, thinks up several plots to assassinate key hecklers in the audience]

Hello. My name is Jeff Partyka, and starting today, I am beginning an effort to spread the gospel to the world!...You mean, the Gospel of Christ??? Nope....Then, you mean the Gospel of the Holy Ghost?....Well....sorta........

What I mean is the Gospel of A Holy Ghost...or Holy Ghosts.......:

The Ghosts of Pasha!

And what better way for me to begin than by relaying my top story:

The Ghosts of Pasha NYC concert at Don Hills, in front of a Showtime Camera Crew!!

This will be from my very own unique personal perspective, the perspective of one who hadn't seen this band play live since the very early days, the perspective of one who is not exactly an indie rocker, the perspective of one who is becoming increasingly surfeited with monotonous enterntainment bombarding my consciousness at all times (thus producing a depressing effect that leads to massive doses of mint-chocolate chip ice cream...Hmmm...I wonder if that's really a bad thing..), the perspective of one who expects nothing less than top-notch, professional, original, and good ol' fashioned fun music..

I should note that this blog is very, very long...It's really 2-days worth of long blogs, so break out the Pepsi bottles and the Peanut Butter and Banana sandwiches, you'll be sitting on your ass for a long, long, LONG, time.....OK, after reading that sentence, half of you just left to watch American Idol....Fine......be that way.....hmph!....LOL/jk..

BUT FIRST!! -- I will steal an idea from that OTHER GOP news network...but it's for a beneficial, non-evil (or Non-Falwellian, either one is acceptable) cause. Now, I avoid that news channel like the plague, but I DO rather like their scrolling news ticker at the bottom of the screen that quickly reveals all the latest goings-on around the world in a fair and balanced way, such as:

"According to the latest study from the American Conservative Union, 87% of all Democrats are gay, and 95% will eventually cheat on their spouses, since they are aligned with Satan. "

You know, typical Fox News stories....

So without further ado, I will unveil my Ghosts of Pasha scrolling news ticker!:

Ghosts of Pasha concerts typically feature scores of several beautiful and hip 21 year-old-girls, none of whom are power bitches. So come on down you bored Central Jerseyans, take off those Iron Maiden and Overkill T-shirts and believe in the supernatural! Believe in the Ghosts of Pasha!

As my news campaign continues to burgeon into new lands and foreign territories -- we plan on penetrating Northeast Luxembourg by Mid-June, and have just launched a multi-pronged "Hum of the Grand Union" brainwashing front in patches of Bedouin Uzbekistan -- I will continue to use the ticker to provide valuable insight and factoids concerning the GOP scene, its geisty followers, and of course, the retinue of early 20's hotties that constantly surround the band and attend to their every whim: We will refer to them as the "Pasha Princess Procession"

Anyway, let me talk about the show this past Saturday night...So I drive with my brother Dave from Central Jersey, up the NJ Turnpike, through the Holland Tunnel, and into city. I don't often venture into the city nearly as much as I should, since I am usually immersed in a suburban cocoon consisting of a fluid-based matrix of 3rd rate realityTV and way too many grilled chicken subway sandwiches. Therefore, when I do go to the city, I am lambasted by the almost scary amount of energy and swirling activity happening all around me -- oh wait, those are just NYC taxi drivers....never mind...

Continuing with my story, we get to Don Hills, in anticipation of seeing our brother Chris....Let me say that the venue was actually very cool and very chill -- it was the type of place where you can freely mingle with anyone, regardless of age, initial social xenophobia, music tastes, what have you. And I can't forget the ubiquitous neon lighting that provide the place with an easy going, loungey, glo-flow vibe..

Of course, the main attraction was the Ghosts of Pasha -- as soon as Dave and I entered the venue, we see them on stage doing a sound check. After one of the songs, I motion to Chris, and he just lit up with excitement upon seeing us...

We all knew that it was going to be a fantastic show after this moment.

So in the next half-hour or so, everyone just kinda mingled, in accordance with the Don Hills genetic vibe -- we bantered with Nick, the lead singer of the GOP, then Ezra, the drummer, then Brad, the bassist -- then with their friends, then with random people associated with the band.
And then the family members of the band, including parents, showed up.

Now, at this point, Dave and I were at the height of our razor-edged sarcasm and cleverly raucous sense of humor, and we noticed that many parents of not just people in the band, but of many of the GOP's friend-network showed up...We were both disappointed that my parents didn't go, as they cited the age of the people in the audience as a major concern. So Dave and I both remarked that there are "lots of older people here at Don Hills"!....

This proves only one thing -- that the GOP is a young hip band loved by all audiences with a wide variety of tastes, from Sinatra to Slayer to Sunny Day Real Estate (BTW, I would pay $100 to see if Sinatra and Slayer could play on stage together and actually compliment one another musically....LOL)....Well, if you told a Sinatra fan that the GOP also has a song called "New York, New York", he/she might be interested.......But getting back to the audience of all ages theme -- one day, you may read how the GOP is stealing the audience once possessed by the Brian Setzer Orchestra....lol

Anyway, the show FINALLY starts -- and Jeff FINALLY gets to the freaking point!....Now, from my musical perspective, I sorta knew what to expect..I mean, I knew it would be indie-based rock of some kind....I know some of the songs, but as I would find out, the Ghosts are an innovative, hard-working and downright creative bunch that continually churn out new groove addictions and hypnotic hooks that will make you want to quit your dreadfully boring and stressful job.

It turned out that not only did the band do LOTS of new material, but that they remade some of their classics from the EP -- at one point, I noticed a song I deemed "progressive" and containing oodles of wacky guitar and quirky, dissonant, yet listener-friendly guitar and keyboard. I asked Chris what the hell was going on there, and he told me that it was a re-working of Paper Doll...I was impressed and delighted all at once -- impressed because it easily met the complex musical standards of jazz and 70's prog-rock that I find so endearing, and delighted because it sounded so whimsical and pasha-tudinally cool!....

Let's see, other notes from the show: I thought the Ghosts of Pasha as a whole have made enormous strides in their musicianship and stage presence. OK, let me say this -- with 95% of bands out there, you hear the music, you pay the cover, you have a drink, but it's clear that the band is just punching a clock. There's no true "feeling", there's not that much to get you excited, there's usually nothing original happening, and then when the band's done playing, they leave the stage, the lights dim, the audience half-heartedly chants the band's name, and then WALLAH!! they're back!!!! NO WAY, I didn't think THAT would happen!

Seen way too many shows like that? So have I.......

The GOP don't play that game maaan!! Unlike 98% of America, they're fun guys who love to perform on stage and have a freaking ball while doing it! Chris jumps around like a Mexican Jumping Bean crossed with a basketball mascot while playing his extraterrestrial-pop tinged guitar, Nick sings and flails in a hypnotic, undefined, neo-dadaistic manner that hacks into your brain and takes complete control, Ezra pounds out pulsating rhythms that bring out the groovin' monster in all of us, and Brad not only keeps it all together but actually drives this behemoth with his signature ear-candy bass lines...

Overall, I loved the show -- I recommend the Ghosts of Pasha for not just indie exclusionists, not just condescending jazz enthusiasts, not just youngins, not just jaded early thirty-somethings, not just scrawny and mellow underdogs, not just muscular and intense beefcakes, not just extroverted cards, not just introverted brooders, not just you, not just me -- but EVERYONE -- especially those beautiful 21 year old girls, who WE'RE NOT PAYING to be there, by the way -- they come cause they want to be part of the Pasha Princess Procession..

OK, more happened, including some unexpected praise in my direction for an electronic music CD I created (I'm absolutely serious -- I'll blog about that later this week), some travails the band experienced in regards to NOT GETTING PAID for their fantastic gigs, and of course, that trivial, insignificant detail concerning the SHOWTIME CAMERA CREW that came to film the Ghosts of Pasha's set.

This is Jeff Partyka, GOP correspondent, signing off....until tomorrow, have a good night..[jeff shuffles papers, pretends to talk in animated fashion with weatherman, performs staged laughter].....

Jeff's Friday Night Dance Party!

2005-03-25T17:00:00.000-08:00

So I didn't tell ya, did I?

I can dance maaan!!!

In fact, I won the 2004 New Jersey Hopeless Webguy Singles Dance Tournament (NJHWDT)...As far as the couples tournament, Baby and I finished in 2nd, unfortunately...

Anyway, I'm very kind...So kind!, in fact, that I have decided to reveal to the world some of my ummm..."unique" twists and contortions -- ABSOLUTLEY FREE!!

Click the links below to see videos of me dancing! I've come up with 2, so you come up with the names of the jigs if you like! It's fun!

Dance #1

Dance #2

A Blog JAM PACKED with lots of stuff!!

2005-03-23T18:37:00.000-08:00

WAZZZUPPP!!!

In keeping with this week's personal theme of Jumbles and 'Disconnected Occurrences Being Lumped Together For No Apparent Reason', I have decided to blog in the same manner...Now yesterday, I mentioned how I would talk about my mysterious newfound obsession with Pat Zajac..But in addition, as a Mind Pit Reader bonus (and no, this is ENTIRELY DIFFERENT from being a mere Mind Reader -- I showed quite clearly a few weeks ago that I am not a Mind Reader, although it appears that this is part of my job description at times :-) What I SHOULD do is watch as many tapes of Sylvia Browne as possible, and just mimic her entire act: the grossly excessive blue eyeshadow, the supernatural fingernail length, her dyed blonde hair, and of course, a list of tastefully exotic names for peoples' spirit guides. This way, I may actually escape my next meeting without being yelled at, mocked, or merely regarded as an alumnus of Georgia University (AKA: a stupidhead)............) , -- Oh c'mon, how could I continue this sentence after such a prolonged and schitzophrenic tangent? That's it, end of thought, I CHOOSE TO DEFY grammar, and in the process, am slightly more badass!

And guess what?? While I write this blog, I am wearing a black eyepatch, and a permanent tattoo of the band Poison!! Arrr!!...and Arrggggghhh!!!

???????

Jeff Factoid #2456543

My spirit guide's name is Yolonda :-) Yolonda was an 18th century hurohaota, or "Friend to the Ghost Shaman" amongst the Hopi Indian Tribes of the southwest. He was also an avid proponent of hallucinogenic mushrooms and peyote...........................[blinkblink]

For Butterscotch...

OK Butterscotch, this one's ESPECIALLY FOR YOU!..HEH HEH...

In remindng me multiple times about getting MSN Messenger and me taking too long to act on it (after I promised a weekend download, which I couldn't keep...doh), you say "Promises, Promises"...Do ya??? Do ya???? (BTW, you must be a stickler for tardiness....LOL...but you can't be nearly as bad as my High School English teacher, Mr. Vanderbeek, who actually used a stopwatch to time students as they entered class.....one time, this kid named Koffa was late to class by .07 seconds....Literally, we're talking the length between 1st and 2nd place in Track and Field World Championships here.....And if Koffa got one more late, he would have a week's worth of detention assigned to him....

So did Mr. Vanderbeek let up on him, being that the margin was so thin and tenuous???

Nope.....despite 5 minutes of Koffa pleading, even begging to Mr. Vanderbeek while on his knees, my teacher just WOULD NOT go easy on him...Come to think of it, that must have felt extremely unfair to Koffa, but at the time, I thought it was one of the funniest things I had ever seen, so I couldn't stop laughing.....In fact, now that I look back on that......HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!)

Well, I got MSN Messenger.....And when I add your email address to my contact list, what, pratell, do I see???

"Butterscotch is NOT online"

Again, let us repeat this crucial, all-important, pivotal moment in my social life, in MY PERSONAL HISTORY, in the history of HUMAN CIVILIZATION!!:

"Butterscotch is NOT online"

.........It's simply 4 words....yet it speaks volumes.....about the nature of friendship.....THE NATURE of human relations.....THE NATURE of fundamental, good old fashioned, intrinsic, genetically coded -- Ooh! We have a new bag of Tostitos tortilla chips...yummy!! -- Oh....ummm....yeah....don't worry about it, TTYL Ciao!

My Mysterious Newfound Obsession With Pat Zajac

All right, what's this about?? Well, I watch Jeopardy every day, and right after Jeopardy is Wheel of Fortune....I CAN'T WATCH THIS SHOW, and even if my life depended on it, I still don't believe I could force myself to watch this show.....

It's just TOO STUPID.....That's not to say that I hate all stupid television, because I watch some realityTV, and some of my all time favorite movies (like Dumb and Dumber) are legendary for their brilliant stupidity.....that's not a mistake....stupidity really can be brilliant, if arranged properly.......

Anyway, the transition between the intelligence levels in these 2 shows is beyond staggering. In fact, there have been times that my mind just cannot handle it without a minor seizure or a related cardiovascular incident. What always gets me, in particular, is the difference between Final Jeopardy and the first puzzle in Wheel of Fortune.

Perhaps the sharpest intelligence drop ever recorded took place about 2 months ago, when the Final Jeopardy answer concerned an obscure French folk tale about Gargantua and Pantagruel, which of course all3 contestants knew just as easily as their own names....After being impressed/intimidated by the immense breadth of knowledge these people had, I then went off to get a drink....I come back to my favorite rocking chair, and the first thing I hear/see is a woman saying:

"Pat, I would like to solve the puzzle:

CREAM -- OF-- MUSH-ROOM --- SOUP!!! WOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And related to this is why I am obsessed with Pat Zajac...it's quite simple actually -- I am amazed by how robotic and charmless this man is. He is devoid of any element of charisma....To even suggest that he is capable of individual thought is laughable.......EVERY SHOW, what he does and says is nearly identical -- and as far as banter with the contestants -- there's virtually none!..Even Alex Trebek, who is as uptight as most people are, at least TRIES in his own way to chat with people for about a minute or so....I mean, that's SOMETHING.....But as soon as Pat Zajac gets to the wheel podium, he IMMEDIATELY says, "Let's get right to it! blah blah blah"...

One day, I will dedicate an entire post to mapping out the EXACT physical movements and waveforms of his speech during this critical first minute of the show. Perhaps scientists can use the knowledge accrued from this experiment to advance the field of robotics and corporate sociology (AKA: how to seem engaging at work to others while living as a vapid drone)

And finally...CONFIRMATION THAT MY BROTHER'S BAND, THE GHOSTS OF PASHA, WILL BE PLAYING THIS SATURDAY, THE 26TH OF MARCH, IN NYC, WITH A SHOWTIME FILM CREW:..Here is an email from Nick Caporaso, AKA Milo Finch, the lead singer:
**************************************************************************

GHOSTS OF PASHA TISWAS SHOWCASE 9:30 http://www.tiswasnyc.com/ Don Hill's 511 Greenwich St. at Spring St. NYC Directions : http://www.donhills.com/pages/frameset.htm * Besides the HOT ROCK there will be a film crew filming the show for a new TV program on SHOWTIME based on the hit NPR radio show THIS AMERICAN LIFE!!! Thanks For Supporting Ghosts of Pasha in the last few months!!! Things have been going great. We have been playing shows and recording. We should have a new EP out soon and are planning some new recording sessions in NYC, NC, and VT... Come check us out at our other shows March 26th TISWAS NYC April 1st MONKEY HOUSE , Burlington April 6th METRONOME, Burlington April 8th KENNY'S CASTAWAYS , NYC April 21st THE LONG TRAIL , JOHNSON VT THANKS MILO FINCH www.ghostsofpasha.com

Because I Am So Boring Today, I Need to Write Some Stream of Consciousness Poetry

2005-03-22T17:20:00.001-08:00

Hola!

OK, I'll admit it right up front -- I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT TODAY!

Today is my turn to officially don the cloak of "The Most Boring Person In North America" (Or, as I learned in Jeopardy today, I might be the most boring person in the Continental United States, otherwise known as Conus.......Now there's one factoid for my next 1920's comic strip collectors party.........cough....). People in my life can attest to just how frigteningly boring I was today -- I exhibited all of the signs, ranging from a robotic and monotonous voice to long and awkward gaps of quietude in conversation. Here's an example conversational snippet from today:
*******************************************************************************

Brooke and Lynn: So Jeff, we're going out to lunch right now, and we're not supposed to tell anyone where we're going! (expecting a playful answer)

Jeff:..............................Yes...................................................................wait...........
.......................wait.................one......................moment............................!........ah....
let us resume......................................[Brooke and Lynn have disappeared from view]..........................................................................
..........Yes.......................Well...................................food...................yes.........is..and CAN!......................................make...........one's.........................................................
day...............................................................food........................................................bye
..................byeeeeeee..........................................................................

[Muddled and Mentally Murky Montana Mike says, "Gol...leey!..........Jeff is Duh!"]

And the weird thing is that there's really nothing wrong with my mood or anything..I'm not angry at anyone, I just possess this incredibly overpowering feeling of numbness. While I was driving, there were times when I was so relaxed that I almost consciously decided to veer off into someone's lawn and screech donuts into the grass with my tires. No angst would be attached to my actions; I would literally feel as if I was playing a text-based computer game, like
Oregon Trail, in the most detached way possible......The events in my life would play out as follows:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Jeff is driving car
-Jeff has eaten bologna sandwich
-Jeff feels good.
.....waiting for command.................waiting for command....................
-Jeff acquires hang glider.
-Jeff drives car off cliff.
-Jeff flies using hang glider.
-Jeff is flying.....Jeff is flying.........Jeff is flying.............Jeff is flying.........Jeff is flying.............Jeff is. -- Jeff has landed in river.
-Jeff jumps out of car.
-Jeff swims to shore.
-Jeff hangs out with Def Leppard hobos.
-Jeff dances for nickles.
-Jeff acquires ravioli smeared sleeping sack.
-Jeff falls asleep to Pour Some Sugar On Me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyway, in order to cure myself of my newfound intense boredom, I must write some totally random poetry, consisting of exactly 11 lines:

Bilious Yet Smaltzy: The Joan Kwaz-Bugs-Tudinaaal Storie...zzzzz.?!

Grape penguin fire talks in whittling Canterbury flint dust,
For it negates Amon Amarth's wunderkind, AKA: The Jejji Eskimos
And doth it not create dragons, or demons, or werewolves or Knife-Boy McFadden?
Ho! Christmas calligraphy shan't be worthwhile, if Eric Slimebutt (along with 3 or 4 close, personal friends and their respective digitally signed tofu tridents) eats cake!!
HE EATS CAKE!!! EAST of Morpheus Town, West of Moonshine Land,
But always North of your best friend's dog -- al-vays!

In devouring as many chickens as possible, remember that vile chorals
cordon the temporal mindcatz diagonal Jeffer cream -- sour Stevie hasn't
yet quite ain't not stated the pro bono medication alleging soulvaki assitude,
Thereby harboring horned rabbits, dartboards of all ages and sizes (bricks and organs!)!
**************************************************************************

I promise I won't be this weird tomorrow, but I need to satisfy my ultra-random urges every so often :-) I'll be back tomorrow to talk about my new obsession with Pat Zajac!

A Chris Weekend Described -- With ZERO Hyperbole

2005-03-21T16:57:00.000-08:00

Hola!

OK, so this past weekend, my brother Chris, of Ghosts of Pasha fame, made a surprise visit...

This means only 2 things:

(1:Impossible Occurrences Being Made Possible In The Most Casual Way Imaginable (often between heaping spoonfuls of canned ravioli)

(2: Hours Upon Hours of Watching Absolutely Horrendous/Cheeseball Television -- and loving it!

So you may be thinking, "Oh geez, now I have to listen to Jeff ramble on for page after page while he aggrandizes a relatively normal suburban weekend by comparing the experience to the discovery of the Ark of the Covenant"....Doh! You ruined my blog!....Grrrr...........

But I'm exhausted anyway from "soap.........POISONING!"....(I just read an article about the movie "A Christmas Story".....this quote has no bearing on anything, it is totally random...you may resume your life starting.............NOW!)...But I figure that now would be the perfect time to prove once and for all that Chris's presence causes spontaneous and routine insanity, whether I want it to happen or not..

Therefore, what I'll do is relay the events that occurred this weekend in a THIRD PERSON PASSIVE voice. This is the voice adopted by scientists in keeping logs that make for such thrilling reading, such as Manganese-based inorganic chemistry journals and Markov Chain Application scrapbooks.

Now, if this blog remains exciting, despite my most mentally sterile efforts, then I have PROVED, BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT, that Chris's mere presence causes universal imbalance and grossly tilts the laws of natural probability.

*************************************************************************************

On Friday night, I sleep in bed. After thinking how the peace of the night, Jeff hears a loud and disruptive banging on his bedroom window.
Jeff nearly has fatal heart attack, but survives.
Jeff lifts up blinds to see Chris at the front door, paying surprise visit. Jeff also sees blinding headlights from a car (Nick's car -- he's Chris's friend and bandmate)
Jeff instinctively shouts out name and rank: Jeff Partyka!!, Webmaster, New Jersey Lawyer!! before realizing that he is only experiencing chronic hallucinations from his 27-day detainment at Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay after purchasing AND consuming a Bean Burrito at Taco Bell...
Jeff fights off hallucinations, cardiac arrest, blindness, and drowsiness to open the front door. Jeff and Chris hug each other, retire to separate rooms, fall asleep for 10 hours.
On Saturday morning, while Chris is devouring a prodigious ham and cheese sandwich, he manages to squeeze in a few words about his band appearing on Showtime. Yes, Showtime as in the cable channel known as Showtime. Yep...THAT Showtime....THAT'S RIGHT!!! Show --- Time.......!!!!!!!!...............SHOWTIME!!!!!

(OK, lab journal break -- It's true!!! -- The Ghosts of Pasha are going to be on Showtime!!! What the hell is going on??!!!! Who the hell cares???!!!! The Ghosts of Pasha, my brother Chris -- and...umm...the other guys that stand next to him while he plays...ahem!-- ARE GOING TO BE ON CABLE F%&$&# TV!! HOLY SHIPPEROOO MAAAN!!!!!!

OK, what I know is this: The Ghosts of Pasha are playing in NYC this weekend, at a place called Don Hills. From what I know, the show will be taped, and I believe it will be shown on Showtime!...

Now, how in God's name did this happen? Let's resume the lab journal voice and find out!)

Chris discussed meeting intelligent, connected film crew associated with Showtime.
These people had heard about what happened to the Ghosts of Pasha at the Mercury Lounge several months ago, when Improv Group staged the "Best Gig Ever", in which comedy team pretended to be crazed audience supporting band.
Newspapers picked up on story and made out GOP to be a struggling, pathetic band.
More newspapers picked up on story, and interviewed band members -- but same article was always used.
Showtime people heard about this, got upset, wanted to give GOP a chance to show the world their talents.
Interviewed band members, were moved to tears.
GOP will now get last laugh :-)
On the other hand, Improv Everywhere will go nowhere.
Chris finished breakfast. Jeff drank glass of water.
Jeff thought about eating a single pancake, but decided that a scramble egg, perhaps with a touch of cheddar cheese, would hit the spot. It did -- but Jeff did not use cheese.
At 11am, Jeff tries to buy ticket for a show in Pennsylvania called NEARFest.
The show, which boasts a capacity of 1000, is sold out -- in 3 minutes.
Jeff did not procure ticket. Jeff got pissed and whipped a chocolate chip cookie against the wall. The cookie was smashed.
Jeff drowns himself in misery by watching movie called "Far From Heaven", about gay people living in the 50's who pretended to be straight.
Julianne Moore is a great actress. Her fake smile was spot on. Never trust Julianne Moore.
Dad hated the movie, because men were giving open mouth kisses to each other.
Jeff went off to Borders to read. Jeff gets bored after seeing 0 hot girls. Jeff leaves.
In the meantime, Chris takes nap while listening to Norwegian death metal. The music soothes him.
At night, we consumed food, drink, and supplements.
We watched another movie called "Repulsion", a horror movie made in 1965 by Roman Polanski.
The movie was about a beautiful French girl who loses her mind after being left alone for the weekend. She murders 2 people using household tools. The movie was extremely quiet and quite creepy.
We fell asleep.
Sunday morning, we waited for Chris's friend and bandmate, Nick, to call.
I do laundry -- I use Dynamo with Brillo fabric softener. Sunday morning laundry is very relaxing. When I think of Sunday morning, I think of a large, happy Sun that wants to be my friend.
While waiting for Nick to call, Chris watches a Rocky marathon (Rocky 2 and 3) while Jeff reads Watership Down, a novel about verbally eloquent rabbits, using the British vernacular, escaping the destruction of their warren and attempting to find a new home, and a new way of life.
I get sucked into the Rocky marathon -- I watch most of Rocky 2 and all of Rocky 3. I was amazed to see how similar those two movies are.
Nick continues not to call. Me and Chris get bored and listen to our favorite tunes together.
Nick calls, says he won't stop by until early Monday morning.
Chris and Jeff have one final music party, Jeff eats a 2 pound bowl of spinach, then goes to sleep.
Jeff struggles to sleep, because of discomfort caused by IBS reacting to huge bowl of spinach.
Nick arrives, rings doorbell, just as I started to get a little sleep. Chris and Nick leave for Vermont.
I get up 30 minutes later, totally exhausted, with a full day ahead of me at the office. Uh oh.

And that was my weekend, with no hyperbole........I know what you're thinking, "Why did I even read this blog?"...OK, here's the deal -- forget my attempts to be funny, forget almost everything else, but remember one thing, and one thing only -- THE GHOSTS OF PASHA ARE PLAYING AT DON HILLS, IN NYC, THIS SATURDAY, AND IT WILL BE TAPED, AND ON SHOWTIME!

Any questions??