My Irrepressibly antisocial weekend: part 2 - Sunday

OK, I planned on blogging earlier tonight, as I described in detail how drastically short of expectations my weekend fell...However, good ol' Saxotech (the company that I depend on to do deliver much of the work that I do to customers) SCREWED UP YET AGAIN (I can write several blogs detailing their astonishing incompetence -- actually, not incompetence, but sheer laziness...and of course, I get blamed for anything they do wrong -- Oh well, the eternally unjust, yet surprisingly humorous life of a paranoid mid-20's computer guy goes on: if you watch the movie "Office Space", you'll understand :-))

I had to call Saxotech several times before I could get through, and once I did, I was given this barely repressed attitude -- I must have been disrupting their dope party (Come to think of it, I DID hear a lot of laughing in the background...hmmm...)

So I have little time to write my blog before I say nighty-night. But I will detail this past Sunday, both the ridiculously happy and exaggerated version I had planned in my mind, and the COLD, BLUNT, UNIMAGINATIVE, LANGUID, COMATOSE...yet HIGHLY ENJOYABLE Sunday that I actually experienced...

What I thought I would do on Sunday

was travel with my parents to see my brother Dave in Boston via our new van (after a solid 8 hours of beauty rest, of course). The drive would be speedy and filled with father/son quips, mother/son silliness, mutually beneficial conversations about faster routes, a hot, delicious breakfast at Denny's...served in a reasonable amount of time...[cough]... (OK...now it's OBVIOUS that I expected WAY TOO MUCH on this trip), listening to beautiful CD's by classic composers like Mozart and Beethoven (classical music is probably the ONLY music that both my parents and I can listen to in harmonious enjoyment) and most importantly, perfect, uninterrupted camaraderie...Ahhh...Then we would see my brother, and more of the same would take place -- only then, it would be EVEN MORE ENJOYABLE, since Dave's evenhanded fraternal wisdom and special personality would be added to the mix....

What I actually did was the following:

After 1 hour of beauty rest, my brother Chris, who came back from NYC after the show, knocked on my window so that he could get into the house. Now, I know he needed to do this, but nonetheless, he SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME!...I was having a beautiful, peaceful dream about these undersized robotic spiders that I created in a lush, dewy meadow for the benefit of my giant yellow friend (who I suspected was a squash, but I didn't want to be rude...no, I'm not kidding.)...the banging startled me from my elysium, my paradise. Furthermore, because of the vast amounts of extremely salty chicken soup I ate from the can without any water just a couple of hours earlier, I realized how nauseated I was...

So when he knocked on the window, I was startled, then nearly threw up. I then let Chris in and gave him a hug...

I felt bad about not attending his show, he said it was OK, but I think he may have been a bit disappointed...We talked for a few minutes, I then drank several glasses of water to relieve my nausea, and I subsequently attempted to salvage some rest...

I was able to get maybe 1 hour of sleep -- the hour before the alarm clock would blare in my ear of course..I woke up at 6:30AM, thinking I had maybe an hour to get ready. But no, my Dad was all set to go already, scampering madly across the house...(he tries to offset this by saying, "TAKE YOUR TIME!!!! TAKE YOUR TIME!!!! NO RUSH!! But he continues to scamper madly and look at his watch every 3 seconds..My Dad is funny :-))...

I then looked at where I was supposed to be sleeping in the van: on the floor, surrounded by nameless boxes and bewildering arrangements of blankets, plastic-ware, and cereal boxes. I then realized that on the way up to Boston, no, I wouldn't be listening to classical music, but instead, to my Dad's VERY FAVORITE mix CD: classic 80's hit like "Man Eater", "Roxanna", "You Can Do Magic", etc.....Now, I've heard this CD at least 100 times already, and [Jeff is crying in a distrubed manner] I just can't...take...it.....anymore!![/jeff crying disturbed]...

I then made the decision not to go to Boston...My parents and brother Dave were very disappointed in me...I didn't give a shit and I got the beauty rest to prove it :-)

I spent the day watching 3 movies with Chris: (1: A very disturbing suburban black comedy called "Happiness" (2: Saving Silverman (3: Hard Rock Zombies (a 2nd viewing, first for my brother Chris

But before I watched any of those, I was -- you guessed it -- eating a Rome Apple while watching "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom"...yet AGAIN!...on the same channel (Sci-Fi channel) -- at the same time!....and it was the EXACT same part ("No Indy, don't drink the blood, it's baad!")....

I hate that kid..

And that was Sunday...I'm tired, and must ingest my nighty-night raisin bread, along with my 2 tablespoons of olive oil -- Ta Ta!!

My Incomprehensibly Weird, Irrepressibly Anti-Social Holiday Weekend (part 1: Saturday)

I learned a valuable lesson this past weekend:

Never set the bar too high when it comes to weekend fun -- at best, you can only fulfill the weekend as expected (an attitude that is largely absent of joy to begin with), and at worst, you will be horribly disappointed (an attitude that is wholly abundant in anguish and superficial despair).

OK, I will describe my weekend in the following manner: First, I will recount my intended plans, along with some imaginative, baroque-style supplementary dialogue that would further describe a distorted, exaggerated amount of joy that the event was supposed to bring. Right below it, I will bluntly mention what I ACTUALLY did..in all of its uninspired and listless glory.

(1: Saturday, February 19, 2005

I was supposed to:

start by taking care of some pesky errands, like depositing my check in the bank and purchasing the ER contest of death walking stick. As I mentioned in my frustration-laced blog on Saturday night, I purchased the walking stick at Walmart for around 8 dollars, incredibly. (I must say that I had NO clue how much something like that would have cost beforehand)...And for the record, while at Walmart, I also purchased a Dean Koontz novel and a battery for my Nikon digital camera....Ahhh....Walmart - I love you, despite years of exploiting high school kids and illegal immigrants...Ahhhh....

And then that night, I was to see my brother's band, the Ghosts of Pasha, at a packed Mercury Lounge!....The place would be rockin'! I would be flailing up and down with my friends Brian and Rita to the song "Power Bitch"....and then at the end, the band would invite ME on stage. Of course, it would be a total act where I would pretend to be surprised: I would point to myself in an grossly exaggerated way, saying: "Who???...Me?????? you want ME??? to go on stage with YOOOUUUUU????"

Then I would experience Linda Blair contortions while on stage while dancing and singing the lyrics to "Power Bitch"....I would become a hit with the crowd, and I would even have a brief blurb written about me in Spin magazine, something like:

"...but the surprise of the night was the sudden emergence of an psychotic GOP fan known only as 'Jeff'...His supernatural shifting of his body weight at impossible angles, fueled by his immeasurable fervor for the music of GOP has made him a cult act overnight!

'Jeff' will be performing in the Hoobastank Stanky Spectacular at the Roseland Ballroom on May 18-20 at 8:30p.m."

What I actually did was:

first sit at home and eat a large Rome apple while watching Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (specifically, the part where Indy is being forced to drink the evil blood, but he spits it out after that kid says, "Don't drink Indy, it's baaad!!")

Also, I had a cold, because my Mom has had bronchitis for 2 weeks, and after a heroic effort on the part of my immune system, it finally collapsed and let Mr. Coldy into my cells. I ate lots of zinc tablets...they helped a bit.

Brian and Rita, the people I was supposed to go with, then bailed on me because they were tired.

I tried going to the show anyway, but I missed the train that would have got me to the show right on time by about 5 seconds (recounted on my Saturday blog), and I had to stand in the freezing cold for a long time before a friendly yuppie convinced me not to go, because it would be a waste of money, and I would probably miss my brother's set altogether.

I went home, ate lots of salty chicken soup (while not drinking any water) wrote a disgruntled blog entry, and went to sleep, in hopes of seeing my other brother, Dave, in Boston. Little did I know that the craziness was just beginning..

(2: Sunday, February 20, 2005

will do later tonight....