A Snapshot of My Typical Day

Hello!

I promise, this post will be a structured one with a real point and tangible direction. However, this may actually turn out to be one of the most unusual posts I have ever written, because of the trite old adage: Truth is stranger than fiction. Yes, this post is dedicated to my daily life, the life of Jeff Partyka and his new haircut. I will focus on the events of yesterday:

7:25 a.m.: Jeff is waking up, feeling violently ill as a result of my Irritable Bowel Syndrome. However, I remain calm, knowing that my physical condition often changes radically within minutes. In fact, I remember a joke on Late Night with Conan O' Brien that almost makes me laugh and throw up at the same time....a very strange sensation....

7:28 a.m.: Jeff drinks some water, takes various vitamin supplements with Witch-Cauldron like names like Aloe Vera, Acidopholis and Flax Seed Extract.....I pick up the bottle labeled 'Oil of Millipede', but decide to take that the following day....Like magic, I feel better and am suddenly ready to tackle the world!

8:20 a.m.: After breakfast, I must now work with -- "The Hair" . This is a delicate an arduous procedure that requires critically high levels of finesse. During the gel and hair drying process, I have begun a ritual in which I start imitating a Barry White voice and saying, "Bring out the love babay...Bring out the love"....but I only sing this if I arrange my hair in the direction that I intend. My hair is quite unruly, so like 2 identical snowflakes being an impossibility, 2 identical rad Jeff hairstyles are also an impossibility. When I'm finished, I complete the ritual by saying, "Ohhhh......yeeeeaaaaahhhhhh"...in my Barry White tone of voice...

8:25 - 9:00 p.m. I drive to work...In the morning, I tend to listen to hard rock/metal CD's, and as of now it all depends upon the day of the week and the level of my morning sourness: These days I stick to hard rock because I generally like my job. However, when I was working in my old job at Merck (which I loathed), I often listened to violent death metal as a form of anger management (which works beautifully, by the way -- metal is very much misunderstood). My favorite bands at the time were: Suffocation, Dark Throne, and Napalm Death. (I can't even describe to you how strange it was to transition between death metal and supreme corporate boredom within a minute or two.)

In the afternoons, I always listen to happy music, so I crank up something whimsical.

9:05 a.m.: I arrive at my desk at work....Half the time, Brooke and Lynn are talking about something humorous, and occasionally, are chaotically flagellating around the office. (One day, I will dedicate an entire post to the random blurbs I hear flying out of the Classified Dept.)

9:55 a.m.: Lynn gives me evil look because I did not mention her in my blog entry about my secret meeting with the Illuminati.

10:35 a.m.: Brooke adorns her new hair with a blondish, fuzzy garment. I tell her that she has "hay hair". Her hair looks like it would fit perfectly in a Kentucky-based high school rendition of "The Princess Bride" or "Heidi" . Brooke then proceeds to flip up her hay hair in preparation for her Ralph Lauren: 18 and up series of commercials.

11:00 a.m.: Lynn threatens me again for no reason whatsoever.

11:03 a.m.: Lynn compliments my awesome new hair for the 7th time in 2 days

11:05 a.m.: Lynn threatens me again for no particular reason.

11:06 a.m.: Lynn crashes into a wall. Lynn is slightly hurt.

11:07 a.m.: I make fun of Lynn for crashing into a wall yet again. Lynn threatens me with various forms of torture, including unnecessary spleen removal, searing gas pain, and a trip to the "Mariah Carie" room...(in which the victim is forced to watch 'Glitter' indefinitely, with eyes propped open in a Clockwork Orange-like manner)

11:15 a.m. - 1:00 p.m.: I regress into computer nerd mode and attempt to write a novel method to ensure form persistence on one of the Event Calendar forms on the Web site. The problem is that the Web site space does not support any meaningful scripting language like PHP or Perl, so I have to pass all form information in the verification script (located in my own personal Web space) via the URL. I write some JavaScript to parse the parameters and place them into the form in the correct order.

1:05 p.m: I write my blog, which at first was going to be about how doctors suck, but it eventually turns into Whatever 2005. I make up a 3rd grade poem about margarine and write about how I always whip whiffle balls that strike my older brother's jewels, which result in loud wails and a treatment involving a salty-scrotum paste.

1:10 p.m - 5:00 p.m: Lynn threatens me 14 times, I talk to Brooke about random subjects like hamburgers and the strangest books we've ever read. All 3 of us trash MarieMonster (the new sales rep with that 80's attitude!) at appropriate moments on IM, email, and hand signals.

5:20 p.m.: I drive home in traffic on snow covered roads. I listen to happy music.

6:00 p.m.: I eat dinner, while my Dad lectures me on obscure economic subjects like the utter necessity of the Alternative Minimum Tax (AMT). I'm hungry and just don't care. At the same time, I'm watching Jeopardy and answering questions about Hungary.

6:45 p.m.: I check my email: Dave, my ultra-academic brother from Harvard, writes me a 15 page email detailing his latest theory tying the golden ratio to Stock Market Behavior. He refers me to a book written in the 40's by Elliott....something...I don't know the last name. The scary part is that I actually understand most of what he is saying.

7:45 p.m: My parents tell me that my oldest brother, Chris, who is surrounded by pure craziness at all times, was caught in the middle of a heroin bust that his roommate was directly invovled in (It appears Chris did not know this until he moved in with that roommate). He was handcuffed, and no has heard anything since. (this is true)

7:50 p.m: I decided that I have had enough of the insane drama surrounding my life. I block out the phone by logging onto Internet, in preparation for 'Lost'

8:00 p.m.: 'Lost' begins. I am mesmerized.

9:00 p.m: 'Lost' ends. I am pleased to have watched another installment of gripping TV.

9:30 p.m - 11:00 p.m.: I begin by burning CD's of my 35 Gigabyte MP3 collection for transfer to my new 120 GB hard Drive, but I get caught up reading "The Book of the Subgenius", perhaps the most creative/humorous/crazy/ridiculous book ever written. I laugh continuously until 11PM.

11:00PM: I eat my daily Peanut-Butter and Jelly Sandwich, take some Canola Oil, some more voodoo supplements, and go to sleep.

11:05PM: While sleeping, I think of some new acronyms for B.E.R.T. (Brooke and I theorize that Bert may be a robotic prototype created by our own government, and so we are devising acronyms in attempt to identify his true purpose)

The end.