Jeff's Dating Disasters: Episode 4 (part 2)

Hola!

First off, I want to preface the conclusion of my latest recounted disaster with this statement:

I don't understand why these situations keep happening to me -- personally, I think that God has chosen me to be one of his court jesters/fools after I die. My entire life is merely a test to see if I can live up to this predetermined fate. It really won't matter what kind of life I lead, in regards to morality. I can imagine the conversation I will have with God on my personal Judgment Day:

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Jeff: God, I'm really sorry for all the terrible stuff I did in my life: the lies, the apathy, the lack of compassion for others, the stealing, my desire for money and other superficial material goods, that pen I stole from the Post Office - I swear, I had no idea that I took the pen until I took it out of my pocket at home! Please God, forgive me!...

God: Jeff, Jeff Jeff......Relax!...Sure you did all that bad stuff, I know that!....and you'll pay accordingly!...But let me clue you in on something: I created you to be one of my right hand funny men!...And you're scheduled to go on in 5! Now get going Jeff! We'll get to this final ultimate judgment of yours some other time, when you have an opening in your schedule....Chop chop!
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..........and with that being said, it's time to get to Part 2 of my dating disaster story!...If you'll recall from yesterday's post, I had lunch with Melissa (AKA: Lolita), and I ran off after she unknowingly reminded me several times of the fact that she physically looked like a minor, even though she was my age....and that night, I went to a Sonic Youth concert in Philadelphia, as I was eager to shake off my sexually mind-boggling lunch with some atmospheric guitar feedback and indie-rock culture geeks -- the exact opposite of the dating world.

So I'm there, just kinda hanging out, when I see this pretty girl all by herself wandering aimlessly just like I am. Now for a single guy on the prowl, the real test for an opportunity isn't the very first sighting of a girl, but 5 minutes after the first sighting. Usually in situations like these, the girl's 6'6 boyfriend/protector/deadlift world-record holder/Desert Storm War Hero is in the bathroom or parking the car. And a couple of minutes later, he's clutching her as they demonstratively showcase their love....But in this case, I saw this girl about 10 minutes later walking around, and she was still by herself! So Jeffy had an opportunity....and this girl actually looked my age!
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Jeff's Brain Says:

% Likelihood that girl is > 18 years of age: 65.1%
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So I introduced myself and we started talking...Her name was Diane, and immediately, she passed the first test of mine -- she was intelligent..In fact, she was extraordinarily intelligent, as she routinely discussed fairly complicated and obscure subject matter with me, from Sonic Youth-like music to sociology to whatever else came to mind. Needless to say, I was impressed!

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Jeff's Brain Says:

% Likelihood that girl is > 19 years of age: 88.7%_______________________________________________________________

As we listened to the bands, we talked a bit about music and such.... Although I don't remember exactly what she said, I remember a few of the sentences she spoke -- stuff like:

"I tend to prefer older bands from the early 80's as opposed to 90's and beyond....."

I thought, "Old is good!...Old is good.....Yes indeed!!...Where was this sentence during my lunch with Melissa??Argggh!!!"

She also said something like, "I love Hemingway!....Especially his older works, such as The Sun Also Rises. I just love the classics, don't you?"

Now I couldn't care less about classic literature at the time...But it didn't matter -- she continued to project herself to be my age -- or even beyond! So I responded with something like, "Yes, I just can't get enough of the classics...Man, those writers from years ago are the ones for me, let me tell ya!"....
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Jeff's Brain Says:

% Likelihood that girl is > 20 years of age: 96.5%
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So when the show was nearly over, it really seemed that we had some chemistry. There was a real possibility, and we both felt it. It was alluring! I must admit that although I would NEVER ever go on a one-night stand with a girl (I'm far too conservative for that), I thought about it a little. Everything just worked too well.........

And just when we were both walking out of the venue to the parking lot, just when I was on the verge of breaking out of my moral/conservative sexual shell, she uttered some words that I will never, ever forget...words that did so much more than merely slice through me....they gave me a story I was meant to pass down to future generations:

"...Oh man, it's late, and I still have A.P. history homework that I have to do.....Oh! Hey Dad!"

.........Let me tell you something: NOTHING deflates a sex drive quite like the sentence above. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Jeff's brain was DEAD WRONG!...

I stood there in absolute amazement; in the previous second, I was a stallion on the verge of exploring life and the world with my soulmate, and in the next second, I was a disgusting pedophile being glared at angrily and suspiciously by Diane's hard-nosed Dad. To this day, I have never, ever experienced such a radical change in fortune in such an amazingly short period of time.

She said, "Bye Jeff!". I waved my hand...and then I waved my arms up in the air, as I walked back to my car. I then started laughing, more out of insanity than anything else...

Later I found out that she was only 16 at the time of the show (we exchanged email addresses during the show, and she wrote to me once) .....

So what's the lesson from this latest episode of my dating disasters?:

"When talking to a dateable girl, distract her long enough so that you could rummage through her purse in an attempt to find out her actual age".