A present for you!

Since you were so thoroughly terrified by the drunken Christmas Eve picture that I posted on my blog, I thought it would be really funny, to post a worse one on yours.

I present to you: Ninja Action Brooke Drunk On Christmas Eve. With Tounge Out Option.



This is one of the grossest pictures that I have ever seen of myself. You should be honored.

I do have a New Year's Resolution!

Yes, I actually do!

Now, I had a fairly crazy New Year's weekend, complete with mysterious and slightly creepy pictures, wild revelry, drunken rampages, The Bong, and John Waters movies. Throw in some violent Irritable Bowel Syndrome related reactions on my part, and there you have a weekend that will never, ever be forgotten in the annals of my history.

And to give you a preview of tomorrow's blog -- I saw "Agent Bookslave" yesterday at Borders by an amazing twist of fate! It was something right out of a Mike Hammer episode (there was even the sexy, lascivious 80's saxophone music blaring in the store sound system! More on this tomorrow!)

But today, I want to briefly discuss my New Year's Resolution, and it came to me after reading my "Dating for Dummies" book my Mom gave me 5 years ago for Christmas....[INSERT DERISIVE AUDIENCE LAUGH HERE].....[Jeff sniffles]....There's some great advice in this book! DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME!..........On second thought.....yeah.......yeah you can....OK, whatever...

So the other day, I was bored and randomly flipping through old, useless books in our family's incredibly random mini-library in the basement. First, I glanced at a National Audubon Society book on North American Birds, and I learned more than I ever wanted to know about the Yellow Warbler. Next, I glanced at an Electronics Mathematics textbook.......Although its inherent boredom nearly sent me to an early expiration, I finally understood a trigonometry concept that bugged me for years: I UNDERSTAND THE USE AND PURPOSE OF TRIGONOMETRIC TABLES!! Thus, I actually know what sin, cos, and tan really are!...

But this excitement only lasted for about 10 seconds when I realized that not once have I ever actually applied the concept of trigonometry EVER!....So threw that book to the side and took out the King James version of the bible....I opened up a random page and found the Book of Numbers...I read one passage, and it was God saying something like the following (without the outdated English vernacular, of course):

"If ye do not follow me, then you will suffer, and your children will suffer, and your children's children will suffer, and your children's grandchildren will suffer, and your children's children's grandchildren will suffer...."

(You don't hear that passage too often at Church, do ya? You only hear Jesus' parables and the most well-known stories.......)

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Curious Bible Factoid: God has a completely different characterization between the Old and New Testaments...In the Old Testament, he is often angry, vengeful and wrathful...In the New Testament, he is a sweet old guy, with almost no hint of anger at all....Hmmm....
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After reading that passage, I nearly died of cardiac arrest, so I put that down and took out the infamous "Dating for Dummies" book.....I opened up a random page and saw:

Q: "What Happens If I Cut The Cheese During a Date?"

A: "Well, this is a situation that everyone hopes this doesn't happen to them. But inevitably, it will happen to someone, so for that unlucky man/woman, don't make too big a deal of it, open a nearby window, and say, 'Excuse me.'..."

Obviously, I became more interested after reading this passage, so I continued....I flipped to another random page and saw the following tip on preparing for a date at a restaurant:

"If you really want to be slick, go to a restaurant the day before, and explain to the manager that you are going to eat with a date the following day. Then arrange to have the credit card payment of the check done right then and there...The next day, when it's time for the check, all you need to do is nod in the direction of the waiter/waitress, and everything's taken care of!"

OK, now on one hand, I understand the value of this advice....But on the other hand, there's an underlying assumption here: If you look cool or slick, then you'll have a successful date and be on your way to a potentially successful relationship.

My problem with this advice is that I don't strive to look "cool" anymore. (I tried this for 25 years, and not only did the group I was trying to impress get nothing out of it, but I got nothing out of it...At least when I do what I want, I get something out of it, so it's 1-0) Now, based on my dating disaster stories, it's apparent that I've learned surprising little based on my experiences (although I've provided a tremendous amount of entertainment), but if there's one thing I have clearly learned over the last few years, it's that I don't want to play a role, or be part of a sham to impress someone, or be ultra-hip at all times in front of anyone. I want to be myself, whether it's cool or horrendously uncool. I don't have the time or energy to prepare a "witty retort notebook" or know everything about Oriental cuisine in Manhattan, etc...

If this means I look foolish or stupid every so often, then so be it. Besides, I don't think I would be attracted to anyone who was floored by a trick like the one described above.

And so this is my New year's Resolution: "To be myself even more than I am today, and to simply enjoy all of life's moments, even the embarrassing or self-denigrating ones"

Now go out and spread your deficiencies to the world! It's fun! :-)