My fabulous but stinky toes

OK, so today, I spent about 20 minutes thinking about a blog topic...Many intriguing, phantasmagorical, and mundane topics came to mind and were suggested to me by others:

- My last meal on death row (Hmmmm.....should I try something new, or stick to an old standby?)
- Another Dating disaster classic (trust me: I have MANY, MANY more.......MANY more........)
- My aversion to being/acting 'cool', which I was reminded of after reading a "Dating For Dummies" book for 5 minutes....
- The list of New Year's Resolutions I fail miserably in meeting every year...
- My obsession with Ken Jennings (BTW, he's gonna be back next year in Feb/March, in a Jeopardy Hall of Fame tournament! I'm not kidding!!)

- Different ways to stack up butter in a pizza restaurant (You too can make your own creamy Stonehenge from rectangular-cuboid butter packets! Woohoo!)

But upon thinking about each of these exhilarating subjects, I found that I simply wasn't in the mood....Until at work, I bumped my toes into the wall by accident....It was at this moment that I discovered my blog topic for today: The fact that despite my various flaws, including chicken-wing shoulder blades, my unibrow tendency, the nearly-invisible blonde freak hair that grows on my right outer ear, and .....many more......[cough] :

MY TOES ARE AMAZING,!!!
...but they are stinky.....

OK, so the perfect demonstration of this statement was on Monday night, when I was cutting my toenails...Now, first off, I must say that for me, personally, the act of cutting one's toenails is one of the very few activities that I MUST set aside time for without disturbance from ANY other element of my life: When cutting my toe nails: I can't carry on a conversation, I can't watch TV, I can't drive, I can't cook (well, I can't cook regardless), I can't shower (well, I don't shower, regar --- never mind!), I can't mow the lawn, I can't write my blog, I can't theorize about the meaning of life, I can't read, I can't play shuffleboard, I can't play ping-pong, I can't bake cookies, I can't breakdance, I can't eat finger food, I can't arm wrestle, I can't hang up pictures, I can't paint I can't knit, and I can't takedown burglars using my insufficient repertoire of quasi-taekwondo maneuvers.........and the reason for this aforementioned load of crap is because I must be STARING at my toes alertly as I cut my toe nails.

Anyway, I take off my left sock, and after being temporarily mesmerized by an "Ocean's 12" trailer (There's just SO MANY stars! And all in one movie! hee hee!), I looked at the toes of my left foot, and I was seriously blown away! I realized an inescapable fact -- my toes are sexy as hell! The reasons are as follows:

(1: Each toe is evenly curved on the left of the nail and on the right.
(2: My toes currently do not possess any warts or dry, crinkled skin, or mysterious discolorations.
(3: The nail size is just right for each toe -- and I don't possess that dreaded, hideous, left-pinky knife toe that my father's side is cursed with. However, if my toe nails grow long enough, my left pinky may still be used as a fairly effective stabbing tool. (I once accidentally stabbed my brother in the leg using my left pinky toenail -- he exacted a measure of revenge by accidentally cutting that VERY SAME TOE with his left incisor tooth.)

(4: Neither toe is too fat nor too thin: they are consistent in width.


So after making these observations, I commenced with my toe nail cutting routine -- I shut all blinds, disconnected the phone, logged off the Internet, and sealed myself in "The Box".

Now I was cutting my toe nails....and I relapsed into a fairly disgusting habit, after several months of abstinence: I once again began sniffing my toenails......

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A Brief Jeff Confessional (I am in a dank room with concrete walls, a bright overhead lamp, and a single chair in the middle of the room)

-- "I don't know why I do it....I guess in some sick way it makes me feel good about myself...As I cut away the nail, I symbolically feel that I cut away another part of the poison -- WITHIN MY SOUL!.......Well, actually, I crave Limburger cheese, and the smell of my toe nails are about as close as I can get to the real thing.........Can I go now?"
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Anyway, upon sniffing my toe nails, I once again understood just how smelly my toes/toe nails really are.......

How ironic: my toes are beautiful from close-up, and so putrid from even closer-up..

FIN