My Semi-Wacky Adventures in Same Day Surgery (With Pigeons as My Audience) pt. 1

Hola!

So this past Monday, I paid yet another visit to my favorite hospital, Raritan Valley Medical Center, for an endoscopy in an attempt to diagnose my mysterious digestive ailment....[Jeff looks out towards the audience, and it is empty.......except for pigeons inspecting the audience area for bits of popcorn]...Oh! I see how it works with you people! I always need to be funny, if I'm not a zany, hyperactive, bizarro comic, then I'm nuthin' to ya, right?! Nuthin at all, I tells ya!!!....Well, at least the pigeons seem to like me, so they'll be the unwitting beneficiaries of an entertaining story!

Anyway, so I had this endoscopy on Monday..[I hear from the audience area: "coo?...coo?"]Oh, I'm sorry, I should explain to my new friends what an endoscopy is: Basically, doctors knock you out for 20 minutes and inspect your the inside of your stomach using a long, flexible tube. One can check for ulcers and other physical stomach ailments using this method...Do you understand now?? ["coo!!"..."coo!"]...OK good...

So I couldn't eat or drink ANYTHING after midnight of the day I had the procedure...I thought to myself, "How in blazes am I going to get through that? I'll be begging for even a single drop of water after 10 hours!"...Well, let me tell you how I made it: I thought of ridiculous and horrible new ideas for prime-time NBC shows...While I fasted, these 3 ideas, which I deemed the absolute worst, popped into my head and made me laugh out loud:

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JEFF'S PROPOSED NBC LINEUP FOR SPRING 2005:

(1: Freedom Gondola: Starring David Caruso as "Captain Hadley", Michael Clark Duncan as "the Magical Gondola Keeper", Joe Pesci as "Slate", a street informant that gets his hands dirty to nab the weekly criminal and Anne Hathaway as "Park Safety officer Michele St. Paul". The show is a mix of CSI: Miami, Law and Order, and a children's version of the show "Lost". The freedom gondola is established as a Republican-propaganda fueled international anti-terrorist crime lab -- but due to insufficient local funding from the mayor (played by Gary Sinise), there isn't enough taxpayer money to erect a separate building for the crime lab. So David Caruso and his team rent out a gondola in Seabreeze Park for their purporses, which would be dubbed "the Freedom Gondola"...But what they don't know is that Seabreeze Park is a world all its own, and with the help of the mysterious and supernatural employees of the park (Michael Clark Duncan and Anne Hathaway), the crime unit won't just bring freedom to the citizens of the USA, but also personal freedom from the pain and anguish that has inhabited their hearts for years....and this can only be done in: The Freedom Gondola.

(2: Mrs. Bufon, I presume?: (Bufon is pronounced with a Cajun accent, like "Boo-fawn")...This show has a much simpler premise: It is simply about a Cajun spinster and master seamstress, Mrs. Bufon (played by Ellen Burstyn), and her unique way of solving other people's problems -- and her Cajun accent and proverbs. She has a wit and charm all her own, along with a Dixie-style elegance and beauty and most importantly -- her lovely fitted straw hat. She owns a charming little clothing store, and while customers enter with intention of buying a single item or two, they leave with so much more...[audience sighs in unison, "awwwwww"]...[nope, my Dad is watching "Saved By The Bell" on DVD...oh, the cruel jokes that target me incessantly! Ack!]

(3: Butt Doctor: After sagging ratings from mock medical drama, "Scrubs", NBC decides to go back to the drawing board and reevaulate their demographic studies...They needed a show that appealed to a new generation of stupid-humor lovers...It was discovered that this new generation referred to Dumb and Dumber as being "for dem college kids", and they needed humor that was far more base...Since NBC had past success spoofing ER with Scrubs, it decided to do it again! (Why not? Forget originality, it worked last time)The end result: Butt Doctor...Ashton Kutcher stars as "Dr. A. Butt"...So what does the 'A' stand for? Well, that's revealed in the season finale, ha!
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OK, I had so much fun getting wrapped up in my forced NBC disaster fantasies that I forgot that I was telling a story...I'll finish it tomorrow...fear not, my pigeon friends! Although you are swimming in disease, you are invited tomorrow as well!!