Jeff's Dating Disasters: Episode 3

Yes, it's that time again! Time to demonstrate to the world my uncanny talent for botching girlfriend opportunties in unique, unfortunate, and downright comical ways. Sometimes, I chalk up my misfortune to committing unholy atrocities in my previous life (although the present atrocities that are my blog posts will surely land me a slot in the Class Insecta in the next cycle of birth/rebirth. So watch your step in 100 years or so..); other times, I just smile, nod, and chuckle at the sheer absurdity of the situation :-)

[ahem!]. So anyhoot, without further delay, here is episode 3 of my dating disaster segment, entitled:

"Agent Bookslave"

OK, so I frequent Borders Bookstore in East Brunswick (This was also the setting of episode 2, if you'll recall). About a couple of years ago or so, I noticed a cute, intelligent, well-dressed, and effervescent girl who worked there as a "bookslave" -- someone who was constantly shuffling with books and putting them back in their proper locations...ugghh.. what a frustrating job that must be. Additionally, I noticed that Borders' employees often worked on a rotating model of sorts, wherever extra help was necessary. So if there was only 1 person at the coffee bar, then a 2nd person would help out. If there was only 1 cashier, then a second person would help out, etc. As a result, Borders employees would be constantly moving around the store.

Now what was the problem this time, you ask?

-- Was it my seemingly perpetual lack of confidence in meeting women? Nope, not this time.
-- Was it my accidental simultaneous application of deoderant AND cologne, thus producing a hideous, hybrid mutant-funk? Actually no...I stopped that 2 years ago thank you!

--Was it my LACK of applying deoderant or cologne for social contact in public? No, that's ridiculous, and I am appalled!!....My natural odors don't seem to bother anyone here at work!

--Was it my disgusting, gross.........UGGHH...let's just move on, OK?

No, the problem this time was that this girl (I never got her name, BTW) was TOO FAST for me...What? Yep...I mean in terms of velocity and walking. It was crazy -- I've never seen anyone walk so quickly and haphazardly from Point A to Point B. Because of this, I just COULD NOT plan a premeditated 5 minute talk with her -- I lacked the physical ability to do so.

On one particular occasion, I was minding my own business walking towards the back of the store, and then ZOOM!---she blindsides me and walks directly in my path, about 10 feet ahead, into one of the aisles on my left. I figured, "OK!....Here it is finally! My opportunity to talk to this girl! I can finally find out what her name is, I'll tell some stupid joke, she'll hopefully laugh, I'll be Mr. Funnyman, and the ball will be rolling from there..."

..Now, I swear to you, there was only a 2-2.5 second differential between bookstore girl entering the aisle and Jeff entering the aisle. The aisle is about 25 feet long, with no exits or avenues of escape, except for the other end of the aisle. Now I will got into some mathematics to demonstrate a point:

Let's assume for the moment that I took the maximum amount of time to reach the opening of the aisle, which is 2.5 s. This will be denoted as dt/dy, or t, where t = t2 - t1, t2 = time I arrived at opening of aisle, and t1 = time I began my walk towards the opening of the aisle.

Let's define aisle distance as d, which we know is equal to 25.0 ft., assuming 3 significant digits.

Therefore, for bookstore girl to traverse this aisle completely would imply that she would have to be moving at (d / t) = 10.0ft/s.

However, we must account for 2 additional variables. Traveling at the speed above would only tell us that she reached the end of the aisle. But if she wanted to escape detection completely, she would need to travel approixmately 3-4 more feet in either the positive x or negative x direction beyond the end of the aisle. We'll denote this distance as d' (pronounced "d prime"). Let's take the average of d' and make this equal to 3.5 ft. Also, she would have to travel quickly enough such that I didn't see any part of her body. Since I would have had a lateral view of her, this distance is equal to her lateral width. (this is denoted as w). We'll say this is about 7 inches..(I base this on the fact that Lynn just measured me laterally to have a width of 8.5 inches...She then started laughing uncontrollably at this fact..)

OK, so within this same 2.5 second interval, in order to escape detection, she traveled (10.0ft/s + d' + w) = 25.0ft + 3.5ft + 8.5 inches = 29 feet, 2 inches.

**NOTE: This is the simplified version of the calculation, which does not include wind resistance, gravity, or the normal force.............my blog is officially dead.

And this is what bookstore girl did...Within 2.5 seconds, she traveled 29 feet, 2 inches, and I did not see her, as impossible as that may sound. Standing there shocked, the first thing I thought was, "This girl's CIA....geez..." ...Hence the name, "Agent Bookslave".

There's more to this story, including my surprise, unsuccessful conversations with this girl. But I'll enlighten you about those tomorrow, as the evil spectres of work are knocking down the door to my cubicle....no wait, that's just Lynn crashing into my cubicle wall, never mind :-)