Caught on camera! The real Jeff Partyka! (Part 1 of 2)

Greetings, readers of Jeff Partyka's blog, entitled "The Pit of Incoherent Thoughts and Bizarro Ideas".

This is intended especially for those who THINK they know Jeff Partyka. Says an anonymous New Jersey Lawyer co-worker, "Jeff Partyka? Oh, he's just a silly boy! But he does makes me laugh ALL THE TIME!..you could tell he's harmless. Just look at his haircut, I mean, puleeze, like he could ever impress anyone with that mop! [snicker]....But he seems really happy with himself. I don't understand the kind of work he does, but as long as he enjoys it, that's all that matters. So all things considered, Jeff seems like a really nice and pleasant guy!...:-)"

However, this opinion has since been radically altered after we filmed Jeff leaving work at NJL walking to his car using a secret video camera situated nearby. Audio was also obtained for this shocking footage, which runs about 20 minutes in length and includes 2 other mysterious characters.

The following is a transcript of the highlights and most shocking portions of the footage. Viewer discretion is advised.

[Jeff, Lynn and Brooke walk out the door of Edison Square West. They seem to be chatting in a light-hearted manner about silly matters]

Jeff: ...and so I told him to 'buzz off', because I thought that he was being excessively rude. Too rude, of course, for an educated man. [slight British accent detected -- Manchester tinged]

[all laugh]

Lynn: Yeah, so I'm parked over there...happy Thanksgiving everyone! :-)

Brooke: Yes, I also wish a pleasant Thanksgiving to all as well. The cathartic good-will of the world community as a whole is my primary concern. :-) Isn't that right pitsy?

Lynn: Grrrrr....!!!!!!!....But since it's Thanksgiving, a time of hope, a time of forgiveness, I will let pitsy comment #4567546 slide by. Have a safe and fantastic holiday!

Jeff: Yes, I wish the same!...See you next week! Have a blast!! :-)

[the three split up as they approach their separate cars...Jeff keeps a close eye on the two, while looking as if he's minding his own business. As the two girls arrive at their cars, Jeff's face turns increasingly bitter with a boiling hot insanity...The look turns from one formerly of amiability into one of inconsolable anguish and desperate pain....suddenly, Jeff hears a nearby voice. Brooke's car happens to be near mine! Jeff quickly assumes his previous posture.]

Brooke: Jeff, are you OK?

Jeff: Oh!....I..um..didn't realize yo..you...were...ummm...right there!.....OK...[clears his throat]...yes!..Of..of course...Of course! I'm OK!...Yes, that darn stomach ailment....that darn little bugger.....as much as I respect all life, including microscopic life that gives humans a little bit of pain, I really wish this darn little bugger were out of my system.....Well, perhaps if scientists can come up with a way to inhibit the continued growth and reproduction of gastrointestinal parasites, then I can rightfully claim the ethical authority to feel better. Otherwise, who's to say that my life is more imporant than even that of a single eukaryotic life form? [deep inhale]

Brooke: Umm. See you later.

Jeff: See you Brooke! Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

[As Brooke's car finally drives away, Jeff has his hand in the air, waving at the departing vehicle. As the vehicle gets farther away, the hand trembles at an exponentially violent rate. When the car completely disappears from view, Jeff clutches his stomach and crashes to the asphalt!

He begins heaving...at first it's a dry heave....After a few more seconds....]

Jeff:.....I....can't.....DO......this.....any...moRRREEE!!!....AAAAHHHH!!!!!!

BLEEEEHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.........................

....I can't do this.....shiiittt....anymore.....No more f*n shit!! NO MORE F*N SHIT!!!!!!..I can't act like this anymore!!!......I can't do it!...pleeeeaaaaseeee!!!!! [effusive tears follow on the parking lot]......I CAN'T!!!!!!..

[suddenly, a random stranger approaches...a man in a suit and tie...in a soft, consoling voice]

Man: Excuse me sir, you look like you need some help.

Jeff: I need...some help....do I?........So I need some help........You hear that? This guy right here says that I!....Jeff Lazarus Partyka, needs some help!! SO I NEED SOME F*N HELP!!??

Man: Who are you talking t-

Jeff: [knocks the guy unconscious using the brass knuckles he always keeps in his pocket]. I [bleep] don't [bleep] need any [bleep].[bleep]......[bleep]....pisant! [bleep]..[bleep]...[bleep]....................................[bleep][BLEEP][BLEEEEEP][BLEEEEEEEEP]........................[bleep[bleep]bleep].....[bleep + bleep = 2bleep]...[bleep*bleep*bleep[bleep+bleep]].......CHEESE!!!!!..............[sigh].........[sigh]..........

I need......to be stable........I neeed.....to......bee.......stab...le...........Yeah, like this guy's gonna have dolphin dung..

Catch the exciting conclusion to this blog tomorrow!