My groggy early morning phone conversation

Because I'm extremely bored today (which is well deserved, since I was so horrendously busy for about a month straight), I will do a 2nd blog!! Woohoo! I love earning a living while wasting time :-)

Anyway, Lynn talked about her phone conversation with Brooke early yesterday morning, when Brooke talked about her pains...Lynn mentioned to me how incredibly groggy she was upon answering the phone, so it took her a few minutes to "get with it".....

This reminded me of a comical, humorous, HILARIOUS, groggy phone conversation I had last year....OK, first off a little background -- my Mom's name is Maria, and she used to live in Brazil for several years before coming to the US. As a result, she speaks Portuguese, and she still has many friends and relatives in Brazil that she stays in touch with....

So one Saturday morning some years ago, around 6:30AM, I'm the only one home (my parents went out somewhere really early, and weren't going to be back till the next day), and my Friday night snorefest is disrupted by a never-ending ringing -- it's the phone!...ahhh!! (In a later blog, I will talk about why I HATE talking on the phone. I like being social and talking to people, but me no like phone) So I think to myself, "Screw it, let the machine get it", and I tried going back to sleep...A minute later...it rings again...."UGGGHHHHH!!!" I think to myself...But I REALLY wanted my sleep, so again, I let the machine get it......the phone rings for a third time, and I let the profanity fly ("fu@% this sht!!")....I finally get out of bed, groggy and pissed off, and answer the phone...

I answer with a half-scream, half phlegmy yell, "What!?" (C stands for the caller, J is for Jeff)

C : "...ehh...Mar-ia?"

J: "Ummm.....what?"

C : "Maria??"

J: "...! Oh!...You want to talk to Mom...Maria?...Umm..Si! Maria, si?"

C: "Si Si! Maria!"

--At this point, I tried to remember all the Spanish I could in my groggy state...Yeah, I know she speaks Portuguese, but I figured that Spanish was close enough....I wanted to say that Maria wasn't in the house, but that she would be back tomorrow...

Instead, I said the following:

J: "OK...OK....Maria....es........eeehh....! Maria es...no esta.si!........Maria no esta!"

--Basically, I said by accident something like "Maria is no more." And then, in an extremely high-pitched, hysterical voice that only a distressed Hispanic woman can generate, I got the following response:

C:"MARIA NO ESTA??!!"

--There was this 5 second period of incredibly tense silence, as I tried to gather my thoughts and remember how to say that Maria wasn't in the house...In retrospect, it was easy, all I had to say was something like, "Maria no esta en este casa.."Done. No problem....But I was still extremely tired and pissed off about my sleep being disturbed, and now, I started to panic after I realized that I accidentally told this woman that Maria is no longer of this world. My emotions got the best of me, and I just said..."sorry!", hung up the phone, and took it off the hook.

I got my sleep, and when I woke up, I remembered what happened earlier, and I started to realize what I had done....Luckily, when my parents came back the next day, this woman called again, and this time, my Mom answered the phone. I'm just glad this woman didn't fly to the US immediately...based on her voice, anything was possible....

And that is my story...now be entertained, and laugh! Hahaha!!!

My Nov.2 deluxe pizza post

Hola! I want to talk about a bunch of unrelated things all at once, so I'm calling this entry my deluxe pizza post, since I'm obsessing about scarfing down LOTS of pizza...the toppings include mushrooms, pepperoni, sausage, and extra cheese...mmmm.....

First of all, I'm sorry I had to leave early from the Halloween party -- but again, Mr. Ulcer continues to do an extremely good job of disrupting my social life...My health is returning, but every so slowly; this will be ensured by my continued usage of Mr. Prilosec, which will bring about the appearance of Mr. Acid-Reduction......Anyway, I had fun while I was there, and I loved everyone's costume; I was particularly impressed with the level of detail involved. It's hardcore maan!!

Second, based on this, my inevitable transformation into the oldest 25-year old guy in the history of the world continues. I'm starting to use vinegar for a variety of purposes every day, I have started to keep a glass of water beside my bed at night, and now I'm become disgustingly sensitive to even the slightest change in my environment, and it affects me in some kind of negative, disasterous way.

[75-year old, stodgy and crabby Jeff makes an appearance]
For example, I've surmised the reasons why I felt so highly debilitated during the party. It had NOTHING to do with alcohol, little to do with eating dinner, or any variety of pathogen (I .....It was the highly disagreeable temperature caused by (a: the oven being on in the house (b: the facial hair I donned..I now require my environment to have a mean temperature of between 66.6-67.4 degrees...However, I noted that the temperature rose to an unacceptable 68.1 degrees. I cannot tolerate such conditions that would be more suitable for a sauna or the innards of a furnace. Hmph! In fact, my comportment was so frazzled that I needed to take an extra Fiber-Con, in addition to my usual Aspirin. My 9:00PM vitamin and supplement routine was disrupted beyond repair, and it became necessary for me to consume an extra 4 ounces of mineral water. I'm fortunate to have waken up at my usual 5:15AM Saturday morning time, and I shall not be forced to repeat this most unpleasant experience again! [snore...]
[75-year old stodgy, crabby Jeff has nodded off]


ELECTION DAY
Hey! It's Election Day....Even though I am obsessed with following this election, I didn't want to talk about the childish bickering each campaign is throwing at the other.....Apparently, in the real world, this is the IMPORTANT stuff, you see, because they're wearing suits and ties, and talking about important topics like national security, the economy, health care, and marriage, while calling each other names. (The lesson?: Name calling and petty insults are respectable and important if you own hundreds of millions of dollars and wear expensive suits and ties) But luckily for us, we're not in the real world, but in MY idea pit, so I can say whatever I like. However, I will say a couple things about the election:

"Neither candidate will get much of anything done concerning the issues they are talking about: if Kerry wins, the Republican controlled congress will defeat every bill he attempts to pass into law. If Bush wins, he will be forced to economize and save money, since the country is now hundreds of billions of dollars in deficit, and counting (We'll hit a trillion pretty soon, with the costs of the Iraq war). Oh! And both candidates will RAISE TAXES, because of the enormous deficit Bush created. "

"However, in regards to social issues, this IS an important election, since it's likely that 2 members of the Supreme Court, Reinquist, and O'Connor (I think) are likely to retire. This means that the president, the winner of the election, will choose the 2 replacements for these judges...Right now, we have 4 liberal judges, and 3 conservative judges. But if Bush is elected, and Reinquist and O'Connor, who are both liberal, step down, Bush will appoint 2 conservative judges in their place, thus making the Supreme Court conservative...What does this mean? Roe v. Wade will be overturned, many of our civil liberties will probably be reduced, and right-wing wackos will institute their unique brand of ignorance for decades to come.....and most imporant of all, flag-burning will be outlawed! mwaahahahahaha!!!!!!!"

This is my opinion, though, so feel free to vote for whoever you like, or not at all, if you wish.

If you're obsessed with this election, like I am, then I found an online tool that will enable you to track what's happening at the moment:

Electoral Vote Predictor 2004 : This is a page that has taken into account literally hundreds of polls around the country, and based on the results of all of them, has come up with a projection of who will win. However, even on this page, which is filled with oodles of statistics, percentages, decimals, standard deviations, etc., in answering the question, "Who will win?, it contradicts itself on page 1! Last time I checked, it had a nice graphic stating that Kerry would win with 298 electoral votes...But later on in the page, it states that Bush has a 262-238 electoral vote lead......Yeah, I don't get it either...

And one more tool: If you want to vote, but don't know where to go, click the link below:
MyPollingPlace.com

It will be quite difficult to get on this site, since there is such huge traffic hitting their servers...But if you can, then this site will tell you where to vote, based on where you live.

I will blog later about a groggy phone conversation I had this morning. Ta Ta!