Advanced scientific methods for bolstering my blog comment total...

OK, I'm writing this blog as a method of protest...against all of you! Why? Because almost no one ever...and I mean EVER...ever comments about my fascinating, enrapturing, enthralling, and intricately ingenious posts! Yes, it appears I'm about as popular as Pyong Yang right now, and about as respected as Ben Affleck....

However, will I cry about this problem? Well, I just did......[cough].....but will I cry EVEN MORE about this problem? No! Of course not, because of my limitless integrity..Will I merely give up trying to be popular? No! Of course not, because Jeff Partyka never, ever gives up, especially when it comes to incredibly futile goals...Of course I realize that being a webmaster with a large circle of friends who AREN'T webmasters is virtually impossible, but this will not deter or foil me!

(Jeff dons his black cape and mask, and retreats to his secret underground lab, which also happens to be the US government's secret nuclear shelter which houses only the 500 most rich, powerful, and popular people on the planet...this includes Congress, the President, his administration, and Reese Witherspoon....this shelter is located in South River, NJ, under the VFW building on the corner..)

I've decided to take a highly advanced analytical approach to tackle this problem..It involves the most advanced mathematics of our time, including markov chains, countless Poisson distribution curves, experimental number theory concerning Merseinne primes, and countless data mining simulations. Based on the data I 've received, the following 4 ideas are the best ways I can acheive instant blog popularity!:

(1: Add some 'keywords' to the end of my blog:
This is clearly the simplest and quickest solution for me to implement...at the end of each post, I would need to insert the following disclaimer text, like in the following snippet:

The following section is for business purposes only!

Reese Witherspoon, Julia Roberts, Ben Affleck, Anna Kournikova, Meg Ryan,
Jennifer Lopez, Fabio, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Alf, Homer Simpson, Bert
........

(2: Co-write my blog with Fabio, and offer some "special deals":
Since a vast majority of my audience is women (something like 100%), I can appeal to their demographic most effectively by playing on their cravings for chisled masculine physiques and man-boobs by employing none other than Fabio!

Furthermore, by commenting on my blogs, a rewards program will be initiated...So what can you expect to receive? Let's just say that there will be plenty of "buddaa!" to spread around....

(3: Create a massive international network of false IP Addresses that work together as one enormous computer cluster, consisting of over 3 Terabytes of processing power!

........I could do that but I don't want to.........[burp]...

(4: Whine like a baby -- even more than I am right now!
Hmmmm....simple.......effective.....cheap......and I'm already so good at it!....I like it! I choose #4!

PLEAAAAASEEEEEEE!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!! I NEED TO BE POPULAR!!!! IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE!!! IT'S WHAT I LIVE FOR!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!I WAS NEVER POPULAR IN HIGH SCHOOL!!! BUT I DESERVED IT!!!!!! PLEASE!! LOVE ME!!!!! LOVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!

....Now we play the waiting game....heh heh.....